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Author Topic: The way they move on so fast is soul shattering  (Read 12570 times)
crushed-not-broken
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« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2011, 12:42:05 PM »

Commiserating with your plight, snuckers.  By far the hardest thing to accept is being deemed persona non grata with these folks---through no fault of our own.   It is a hallmark of a disorded heart to have this unnatural trait; the ability to inflict their worst fear, abandonment, unto those they claim to love and made vows to.  A pretty serious fear reaction, wouldn't you say?

I think Cameron put it right, here:

"I believe BPD has no sense of emotional context. The disorder is reactionary and its catalyst is fear."

The catalyst is FEAR... .and this has nothing to do with who we are but what they fear.

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snucker25
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« Reply #31 on: March 28, 2011, 12:51:55 PM »

CNB - you are so right. 

I only discovered BPD last week; AFTER he had already broken off contact with me, for no real good reason.  Once I read Walking On Eggshells it all made so much more sense to me. 

But still, he consciously chose to stop communicating with me, because we got into a little argument?  Because he asked me what I was feeling so I told him?  Because I went out for a few hours with his (female) cousin without asking him first and he supposedly had plans for us (which he hadn't told me about)?

No - because his FEAR is so heightened, and his need to avoid conflict is so severe, and his ABANDONMENT issues are so deep-rooted. 

That's what I am trying to convince myself of, although it doesn't make it hurt any less.  Right now I feel like I am never going to get over this.  It feels like betrayal.
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crushed-not-broken
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« Reply #32 on: March 28, 2011, 01:01:24 PM »

Normally, we would consider this a betrayal but in BPD land it's their self preservation kicking in.   Your love did exactly the same thing my uBPDXH did to me, just because I spoke straight to him as one would an adult so, he now has to run and hide; cutting off all communication.  Its like punishment for proximity. We got too close and we know too much and the fear grips the heart of our disordered PD love.  Fight or flight response on overdrive.

Are you thinking of letting him go?  Or are you thinking of ways to re-engage him?
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AlexDP
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« Reply #33 on: March 28, 2011, 01:04:41 PM »

I don't think you really can re-engage them TBH.
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samedeepwaterasu
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« Reply #34 on: March 28, 2011, 01:15:33 PM »

I don't think you really can re-engage them TBH.

No effing way... .you are painted black.  Anything you do will just irritate the situation.  You can speak the sweetest Shakespeare and all they'll hear is criticism and engulfment.  They are emotional babies, everything has to be on their terms, their way, even if they're the biggest babies if you go NC for 30 mins when they're trying to engage... even after a stupid argument.  Hypocrites.  Just let them come back to you, if they are, but don't wait up for them, they keep grudges.

Again, they are triggering and in emotional pain, even if the way they handle it is destructive to you.  I really wish we could follow Alex's lead and fight fire with fire, but you have to try to feel sorry for them.  They feel that they're in emotional danger, and the things that they would do in similar situations, they fear you will do them... stalking, obsessive calling... .sleeping around... etc... etc.  They need distance from the fallout until they feel safe.  You all are so right with self pres.
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crushed-not-broken
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« Reply #35 on: March 28, 2011, 01:18:52 PM »

You can try to re-engage but it is an exersize in futility, unless they see themselves as culpable for their behaviors.  I have read your posts Snucker, welcome here btw, and I see the BPD trait of the all-or-nothing, black or white thinking you are having to deal with.   Coupled with his determined pushing away, resulting in your abandonment, I'd say you got off---somewhat fortunate. You don't have too much time invested in the r/s and your heart seems to be detaching as you see that, for your own sanity, you cannot want to re-engage him.  Good on you. Please keep posting, it helps.  And, best wishes to you as you disengage and move forward. You deserve to be loved---remember that... .and I will too!   Peace.

CNB
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snucker25
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« Reply #36 on: March 28, 2011, 01:21:21 PM »

Are you thinking of letting him go?  Or are you thinking of ways to re-engage him?

It doesn't look like I have a choice in the matter.  I know for my own mental health I have to let him go.  My heart doesn't give up that easily though.  

On one hand I want to go to his house and yell and scream about how much he has hurt me.  On the other I want to write him an email assuring him that we can get through this and that our relationship is worth the effort and the time (although his actions tell me he doesn't feel the same way).  I know that neither will do any good right now.

I've transitioned in his mind from "all good" to "all bad", that I am pretty sure of.  Its just very hard to accept.
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ItsAboutTime
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« Reply #37 on: March 28, 2011, 05:37:58 PM »

Excerpt
I've transitioned in his mind from "all good" to "all bad", that I am pretty sure of.  Its just very hard to accept.

I honestly think it helps when we do the same, transition them to something other than what they used to be... .'all good', to what they really were and drop the past illusions.
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2015, 01:06:04 AM »

seriously doubt my exgf thinks of me... .no remorse... no regret... no apology... no empathy... lies,cheating,sexting,verbal and emotional abuse... 4 years and i was discarded and replaced witbin the week... worst still she is 45 so youd think she couldve been an adult and breakup like one without all th bs

she always said when shes done shes done no going back... been nc 12months

she changed contact details after rec hate mail over cheating good for me that way no temptation to break nc

sad these peeps ... .you love em with all you got and its never truely reciprocated or worth anything other than supply
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SGraham
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« Reply #39 on: August 04, 2015, 07:37:31 PM »

Quote from: snucker25 link=topic=142144.msg1387713#msg1387713 date Its the thinking that he has completely erased me from his life and his mind that hurts me the most; like I never existed.  [/quote

I feel the same way completely. My ex broke up with me on reasonably good terms. There wasn't any "i hate you" or "its your fault" it was more like it was just too triggering for her to be with me anymore. All i hope is that one day she can look back and think of me fondly and respect the patience and love i had for her. It probably wont be the case but i can hope.
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zundertowz
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« Reply #40 on: August 04, 2015, 08:19:48 PM »

I think it boils down to them getting there needs meet... If there needs are getting meet by the replacement your forgotten... .3 years down the road maybe she has a void in her life and your one of the many exes she tries to reconnect with... .
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2015, 06:54:32 PM »

I think it boils down to them getting there needs meet... If there needs are getting meet by the replacement your forgotten... .3 years down the road maybe she has a void in her life and your one of the many exes she tries to reconnect with... .

My replacement has no needs other than sex and ex is a pro ( no pun intended :-)  ) ... he doesnt need a housewife can afford a maid if he bothers to maintain a tidy home and apparently not cause ex says not all homes are like mine he is just as untidy as her... he doesnt need financial assistnace has loads $$$ so paying bills is effortless and plenty to spare to shower the ex with adoration which he has done from day one ... so ill be forgotten for eternity.
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rotiroti
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« Reply #42 on: August 05, 2015, 06:56:26 PM »

I think it boils down to them getting there needs meet... If there needs are getting meet by the replacement your forgotten... .3 years down the road maybe she has a void in her life and your one of the many exes she tries to reconnect with... .

My replacement has no needs other than sex and ex is a pro ( no pun intended :-)  ) ... he doesnt need a housewife can afford a maid if he bothers to maintain a tidy home and apparently not cause ex says not all homes are like mine he is just as untidy as her... he doesnt need financial assistnace has loads $$$ so paying bills is effortless and plenty to spare to shower the ex with adoration which he has done from day one ... so ill be forgotten for eternity.

sounds like freedom to me
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Lostone1314
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« Reply #43 on: August 05, 2015, 07:16:39 PM »

I think it boils down to them getting there needs meet... If there needs are getting meet by the replacement your forgotten... .3 years down the road maybe she has a void in her life and your one of the many exes she tries to reconnect with... .

My replacement has no needs other than sex and ex is a pro ( no pun intended :-)  ) ... he doesnt need a housewife can afford a maid if he bothers to maintain a tidy home and apparently not cause ex says not all homes are like mine he is just as untidy as her... he doesnt need financial assistnace has loads $$$ so paying bills is effortless and plenty to spare to shower the ex with adoration which he has done from day one ... so ill be forgotten for eternity.

sounds like freedom to me

Freedom of porn style sex 24/7 in exchange for adoration what could go wrong
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