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Author Topic: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?  (Read 7008 times)
sixspeed
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« on: March 30, 2011, 03:11:06 PM »

Being able to laugh about some of the irony in my relationship with my ex really helps me through. The first movie we watched together the first time we spent a night at her place was "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".

It's one of her favorites, you know what though I wouldn't erase her, I've learned a lot and probably would end up just like J.Carey and Kate at the end.

How about you any irony you can laugh at?
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TexasAggie

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« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2011, 03:16:29 PM »

Ha! That's funny, the exact same movie was one of our first to watch together too.  I completely agree though, I wouldn't want to erase anything.

That being said, I have just recently committed to leaving and still haven't done it yet.
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AlexDP
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« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2011, 03:37:11 PM »

I met my ex as a tour guide in Italy. She had been giving a girl the silent treatment for an entire week, until the girl broke down and started crying. My ex didn't understand why.

I tried to explain to her why this hurt. And I would do so for the next six months.
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just_think
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« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2011, 03:48:43 PM »

a few things.  I don't know if they were ironic exactly, but very sychronistic:

early in the relationship, we both made jokes cutting to the core fears we both held: when I asked where she came from she answered with "your mom is actually paying me". After the first time we had sex and were outside smoking a cigarette, I said "I'll call you sometime" and acted like I was going to walk off. (I didn't know about her abandonment issues until afterward)

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Another unfortunate chain of events: I'd been working night shift for a couple of months and we had only been seeing each other a couple of days a week.  It looked like there was no end in sight for that shift either (couldn't get a transfer no matter what I did). Though I didn't know at the time, this set off her abandonment fear.  She started triangulating (read definition) with this other guy I didn't know and she crossed the line one day  and cheated (I found out later).  2 days later I got back on a normal shift and we actually had more time than ever together.

Thank god so much of the relationship was over text and I could go back and analyze stuff like that.


many other weird instances like that.
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Evan
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« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2011, 08:16:45 PM »

This is very minor. She did all the bad stuff during the rship. But among other things she gave me grief once for littering. Littering is bad. But our differing perspectives and the rest. Different postal codes.
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AlexDP
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« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2011, 04:19:49 AM »

Also one of the first compliments she gave me:

What I like so much about you is that you don't need someone to be someone. You can be single and still know who you are.

Hm. I don't cry easily, but whenever I think of that compliment I do.
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TheSomberlain
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« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2011, 08:44:47 AM »

We watched Groundhog Day. I think that's fitting too, no?
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sixspeed
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« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2011, 10:12:34 AM »

We watched Groundhog Day. I think that's fitting too, no?

Yes it certainly is, It's funny her and I had a really big discussion on Solaris, all the different versions of the story from the original book to the Russian movie to the Clooney version. The story sort of held both our fascinations 

The Clooney version of Solaris is really on part with so many of the themes of what I went through in my relationship from suicide to the don't leave me themes and the feelings of obligation and co-dependence in me.
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Simpleone
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2011, 11:59:36 AM »

Yes. When I was getting to know him, I told him I liked him because he was "normal"... .little did I know... .
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just_think
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« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2011, 12:12:52 PM »

Yes. When I was getting to know him, I told him I liked him because he was "normal"... .little did I know... .

This reminds me of the conversation we had that was similar. She jokingly called me crazy (which no doubt, I'm dancing to my own drum) and I said "Yeah but you are too, in a really healthy way" to which she replied "yeah, it's really refreshing"

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), little did i know... .
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gWocky00
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« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2011, 12:32:47 PM »

Ironic... .Hmmmm... .like me having custody of the child she came home pregnant with from an affair and we raised as mine, and who basically hates her mother at age 13 and could care less if she sees her which she basically doesnt except when her mom comes around every few months...  Of course Im accused of stealing the child, even though my ex never fought for her when she just up and left cause she knew the child didnt want to go with her... .and she will lament that she should have never given me the right to be the childs father... .basically cause she could have blackmailed the bio dad, and also gotten welfare and a place to live if she had a kid... .good god... .

It may be ironic,,but really it was just in the best interest for the child as she would have been abused and dragged all over from place to place with no stability.  ... .what prob is ironic,,is that she thought she was locked in a prison with me as I would babysit her activities,,to try and keep her out of trouble,,(I know that was wrong, but she was her own worst enemy)  but she told someone else the new guy shes with is aparently even worse... .wont let her go anywhere alone and says hes shoved up her *ss ... .Aw... .guess he heard of her reputation ,,Got news for him,,its like trying to hold fire in your hands... .aint gonna work,,lol
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TheSomberlain
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« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2011, 03:56:28 PM »

Another thing that kinda made me laugh that is hugely ironic; my exbpggf and I would travel on that same trainline (the NY-CT line) Joel and Clementine did in Eternal Sunshine. Even more scary is that I'm the introverted artistic type like Joel. I can never watch that move again   .
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AlexDP
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« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2011, 04:00:00 PM »

Also ironic:

the first three months I didn't care all that much about her. She loved me. Then I started loving her. Big mistake.
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« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2011, 04:02:40 PM »

man, i really dont like to think of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that does feel a lot like the nature of a breakup with a pwBPD and it seems so distant and so tragic, and like there's something remaining in your brain or heart that you can't place but is there and haunts.

one of the saddest things i saw in that movie, was the image of the old lady who came into erase the memory of her dog. i think buster was his name? but there was a picture of the dog and a dog bowl. i saw that right around the time i was grieving over my dog. regardless, it's one of the saddest things/thoughts i've ever seen in my life.

to blazes with that movie, i say.
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« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2011, 04:07:30 PM »

  The ironic part of my r/s with xbph was I loved him because he made me feel good about me and I felt safe. He seemed so caring and honest.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Well 3 years later, being painted black and a machete and 3 butcher knifes later... .not that safe or confident!
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TheSomberlain
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« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2011, 04:16:10 PM »

man, i really dont like to think of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. that does feel a lot like the nature of a breakup with a pwBPD and it seems so distant and so tragic, and like there's something remaining in your brain or heart that you can't place but is there and haunts.

one of the saddest things i saw in that movie, was the image of the old lady who came into erase the memory of her dog. i think buster was his name? but there was a picture of the dog and a dog bowl. i saw that right around the time i was grieving over my dog. regardless, it's one of the saddest things/thoughts i've ever seen in my life.

to blazes with that movie, i say.

That ENTIRE movie is supposed to be a BPD relationship IMO. The whole "mind erase" thing that people parse out from reality is just supposed to be symbolic of getting rid of pictures and moving on as if they don't exist (let's face it, that's what NC and the like is essentially doing). We do the mind erase things ourselves. The company just added a twist to the movie to make it interesting. Joel had a structured life but was obviously a hopeless romantic. Some woman starts sinking her hooks in and he lets her because no one has ever done that. He hopped on the rollercoaster, much like we all did. I went back and watched it halfway and had to turn it off. I'm sure even the title of the movie has some symbolic meaning.
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The Ride
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« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2011, 04:27:25 PM »

Yes, my ex would always ridicule the people that he worked with for having office affairs and then he turns around and has one himself, jeez.  Moral of the story, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!
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Serena_S
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2011, 06:33:50 PM »

She said to me, very early on...

"I have intimacy issues"

That was the understatement of the century.
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officer1618
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« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2011, 03:41:13 AM »

Yes, my ex would always ridicule the people that he worked with for having office affairs and then he turns around and has one himself, jeez.  Moral of the story, when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

same thing here. My stbx had two with coworkers. That after years of saying all cheaters are terrible people.
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Hazelnut
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« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2011, 01:01:32 PM »

"I'm sensitive, don't hurt my feelings... .don't reject me... .you're important to me... .you're so sweet... I like that we can talk things out like adults... .GOT THAT? HAHAHA, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!"

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« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2011, 01:11:34 PM »

the most ironic thing about mine is that she loved to clean  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
sixspeed
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« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2011, 07:16:24 PM »

A more personal irony, the last time we spent a weekend together before the breakup I said to her in a joking tone as she was being distancing with intimacy:

"Sometimes I feel like an addict coming here to get my fix."

Hey, I was!
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Hyacinth
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« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2011, 07:27:44 PM »

My husband was always telling me he loved me with all his heart.  I found out that was true - he didn't have one.
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desertbuck
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« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2011, 07:48:10 PM »

My ex told me I would "push-pull" in the relationship.  If that isn't ironic, I don't know what is!
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« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2011, 07:57:46 PM »

My uBPDxbf told me about all terrible things that happened to him as a child.  I would say, "How did you turn out so good having to deal with all that abuse?"  I would praise him for working through it all and being able to come out on top.  On the outside, he acts 'normal' and successful.  Now I know the truth.
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« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2011, 07:59:30 PM »

desertbuck,

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
sixspeed
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« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2011, 12:15:11 PM »

My uBPDxbf told me about all terrible things that happened to him as a child.  I would say, "How did you turn out so good having to deal with all that abuse?"  I would praise him for working through it all and being able to come out on top.  On the outside, he acts 'normal' and successful.  Now I know the truth.

Crystal, mine did the same, explained a period where for over a year how she had cut all contact from her father and then worked through it in therapy and had a great relationship with him now... .but whenever stress was bearing down and we hit a withdrawal she'd say "I have a history of abuse"  Idea Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) , she was great at selling herself as a recovered person and making me feel like someone who lacked empathy. A projection I would combat by trying harder to show my empathy, impossible.
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geek64

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« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2011, 01:05:58 PM »

I was quite ill and she was nursing me and I was going on and on about how selfless and sweet she was and she was sleeping with several guys the whole time. 'You couldn't give me what I needed.' Yes. Evidently.

All true, but maybe next time, just leave. But the money was pretty good. Ah, yes. She became my Power of Attorney because of my illness to ensure the funds were properly spent. She ended up spending about $25K on clothes and shoes and other random crap. Hilarious. I'm not competent to manage my $$, but she is. Bought a $7K watch one night and then didn't even remember the next day. Etc.
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« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2011, 05:46:53 PM »

A projection I would combat by trying harder to show my empathy, impossible.

thats a pretty insightful connection you've made about yourself, though.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2011, 08:53:11 AM »

My husband was always telling me he loved me with all his heart.  I found out that was true - he didn't have one.

Amen Sister! Ditto! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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