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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?  (Read 7005 times)
Checkmate
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« Reply #60 on: May 19, 2011, 02:53:10 PM »

I was first interested in her when I found out she had a big job. I thought she was strong, responsible, and competent. Someone I could really rely on. Someone solid.

when I met my ex i had two basic rules/boundaries ... .1. do not yell at me 2. do not hit me ... .he only raised his voice twice in four years so i never felt he truly violated that one and he never hit me ... .

he was quiet and seemed so in control of himself, he seemed to have a sense of himself and his place in the world ... .

WOW ... .how i misread silence for self control and being self possessed ... .

today, i would take a yeller who actually was a good person, resolved issues, communicated, was self-possessed and in control of himself over what i had ... .

amazing how what we wanted in someone turned out to be one of the biggest issues in the relationship ... .

Same exact experience here! I was so proud of our never yell or demean each other policy... .at first.

But it was a no resolution situation, fetal position her locking up and unable to talk at all... .Hugs, tears, smiles, and   never resolutions just projection and emotionally impulsive all or nothing solutions like running away.

I'll take a yeller now if it means we can work out issues and move forward... .withdrawals and lockups ughh.

I have struggled for 18 months for someone to be able to see what what went through ... .You are the first person who has stated it in terms I 100% relate to ... .It's like trying to hold the ocean in your hands ... .It will just slip through you fingers because they are masters of giving you nothing to hold onto ... .

One of the worst parts is that it's a place of total control and safety for them and anything we do makes us look like the bad guys ... .I hated that part of it ... .
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sixspeed
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« Reply #61 on: May 19, 2011, 03:35:37 PM »

I have struggled for 18 months for someone to be able to see what what went through ... .You are the first person who has stated it in terms I 100% relate to ... .It's like trying to hold the ocean in your hands ... .It will just slip through you fingers because they are masters of giving you nothing to hold onto ... .

It was absolutely "crazy-making" behavior to me. I felt myself slipping from stability and reason to a shifting platform which I let her intense emotions tilt and pivot, me dancing to stay on top like I was keeping balance for the both of us over the abyss. Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

They look calm on the outside at times but their heart and mind is in constant pull, something like the storms of Jupiter, wild, intense, destructive beyond what we feel in our worlds. They give you nothing of themselves to hold onto because they have nothing that they can even grasp at, he borrowed your strength, center, and reason but he couldn't live it.

I asked her after a major collapse, what she wanted to do with herself, I had the money to support us without much sacrifice at all, we had the time and freedom to pursue a dream, and she had the full support of myself, my family, mutual friends... .She couldn't answer, all there was to do was run. Took me a while on here to learn why!

Damn do I know all about it!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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eldrinfein

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« Reply #62 on: May 19, 2011, 04:48:09 PM »

On our first date, she asked me to promise that we would never do anything to hurt each other. Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Probably her definition of "hurt" is very diferent from mine... .hahahah
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« Reply #63 on: May 20, 2011, 01:06:52 AM »

Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

nailed it
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #64 on: May 20, 2011, 01:34:51 AM »


It was absolutely "crazy-making" behavior to me. I felt myself slipping from stability and reason to a shifting platform which I let her intense emotions tilt and pivot, me dancing to stay on top like I was keeping balance for the both of us over the abyss. Every time you think you have a plan to address a core problem there will be something that arises whether it be an exaggeration from the normal course of life or an illusion spun out of false ideas and projected shame it serves to trap you in a cycle of devoting attention and seeking the high of the next calm, whereas at first the high was a euphoric communion. After each small trap you pick up back on the big for that first euphoric communion a little more damage, breaking, losing your center, maybe sometimes lashing out, behaving exactly like that shadow they carry in their core, from there there's no way to help them (there never was) and you now have fallen into your buried insecurities.

They look calm on the outside at times but their heart and mind is in constant pull, something like the storms of Jupiter, wild, intense, destructive beyond what we feel in our worlds. They give you nothing of themselves to hold onto because they have nothing that they can even grasp at, he borrowed your strength, center, and reason but he couldn't live it.

I asked her after a major collapse, what she wanted to do with herself, I had the money to support us without much sacrifice at all, we had the time and freedom to pursue a dream, and she had the full support of myself, my family, mutual friends... .She couldn't answer, all there was to do was run. Took me a while on here to learn why!

Damn do I know all about it!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) [/quote]
Amazing post! Nailed it, indeed!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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sb.kim87
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« Reply #65 on: May 20, 2011, 10:19:17 AM »

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"
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winandcover
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« Reply #66 on: May 20, 2011, 12:02:30 PM »

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"

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hurtandafraid

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« Reply #67 on: May 20, 2011, 01:37:40 PM »

He wold talk about how horrible his childhood was. His Mom hated him and his Dad seemed to have his own mental problems. I would praise him for being "normal" and being able to get through all that. Little did I know.
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sb.kim87
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« Reply #68 on: May 20, 2011, 03:17:40 PM »

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"


Well the thing is, my BPDexgf WAS loyal. Only problem? contacting her old boyfriends. And of course  cant forget the breaking up because she didn't need me anymore  
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winandcover
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« Reply #69 on: May 20, 2011, 07:03:28 PM »

Mine as well.  Of all the people she contacted, at least half were prior boyfriends/significant others.  One was the father of her child so I *had* to allow him to be around her all the time becuase "couldn't I see that she just wanted what's best for her kid?"  She constantly painted him black, yet made a concerted effort to travel to see him or have him travel to see her.  Apparently, he still wanted a relationship with her and to move back in.  She refused to allow this yet he was seeing her for extended periods of time at least once a month.  Mixed signals?  I think so.  Sad to say that he committed suicide this past November.  He didn't leave a note or say for certain why.  He had been drinking heavily during the time leading up to his taking his own life - I don't know for certain but I suspect that his relationship with her may have been a contributing factor.  I'm so glad that I'm taking steps (albeit small ones) towards healing myself and disengaging from her.  There but for the grace of God go I... .

Funny how in the beginning I constantly thought to myself "I'm so lucky to have a girl whose so faithful, honest, and pure."  Man, little did I know... .  She was pretty much the exact opposite of what she told me she was.

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"


Well the thing is, my BPDexgf WAS loyal. Only problem? contacting her old boyfriends. And of course  cant forget the breaking up because she didn't need me anymore  

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js friend
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« Reply #70 on: May 20, 2011, 07:12:17 PM »

My ex actually said "I dont do anger" I still cant believe that one... .

and another one "Ive never lied to you" I knew at the time that was a lie in itself!
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sb.kim87
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« Reply #71 on: May 21, 2011, 03:50:27 AM »

My ex actually said "I dont do anger" I still cant believe that one... .

and another one "Ive never lied to you" I knew at the time that was a lie in itself!

Maybe we should have a top 5 BPD irony list  Smiling (click to insert in post) Seems like they all say that they cant lie or are bad at lying.
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Lizzie
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« Reply #72 on: May 21, 2011, 07:32:12 AM »

#1.He claimed to adore women and that he got along with women better and had lots of women friends.

-Yet, I noticed that his favorite word of all was c$nt, followed by b$tch, p$ssy, and any other variations of female oriented curse words.  By fat c^nt was his most favorite and most repeated.  

-All, seriously, all of his stories about women were these sweeping negative, devalued, painted black stories.  Like that women ALWAYS get all the money in a divorce and leave the man in poverty.  He had tons of stories of women cheating and sneaking around.  He claimed all women would rather date a rich guy over a guy that they really loved, WTH, for real! After a while I swear I started to wonder if he was jealous of women or wanted to be one.  B/c he had this view that women are always taken care of and have nothing to worry about.  It started to click in my mind that he viewed women as holding all the power and as slut machines being paid b/c they control the sex in relationships.  He actually said things pretty close to that last line.  His stories left me the impression that women are constantly scheming and victimizing men.  Oh, my gosh, I remember the discussion we had about men getting in trouble for having sex with underage teen girls.  He claimed some teenage girls are seductive and seduce men.  He also claimed that men are getting 20 year prison sentences for statutory rape (sorry, but patently false!)


#2. He accused me of being controlling.  That is so far from the truth that it barely even annoyed me, it made me laugh b/c it was so insane to accuse me of that.  I don't like to be in charge and have trouble being assertive.  One of his examples was that I controlled sexual activity b/c in the first week we were dating I was trying to go slower at a pace i was comfortable with to let us see if we had real intimacy.  He could care less what I was comfortable with and brought up everything from toys, to three-somes, to you name it in a week! And I was controlling.  

#3 He never lies and isn't capable of it and hates liars.  

#4 He has never cheated and hates cheaters with a burning passion.  (I didn't stick around long enough to find out the truth on this one)

Jeez, he was looney! (apparently me too b/c I stuck around to listen to any of this garbage)

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LaoWho
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« Reply #73 on: May 21, 2011, 08:11:10 AM »

Re: Anything ironic during your relationship with your BPD you can reflect on now?

Yeah, the not so subtle reminder that to find your life you must first lose it. And the fact that there's no wrapping your head around sumthin so counter-intuitive, that sumthin more is needed for the realization--the marathon exercising of our whole self, there sumwhere but with all the "bits" of it seemingly at odds with each other while tryin to work together. Like one author has said, we are whispered to in our pleasures and shouted to in our pain.
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replicant_83

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« Reply #74 on: May 26, 2011, 01:33:59 PM »

My BPDexgf has her own share to,

"I'm such a bad liar"

"I couldn't stand breaking up with you"

(after a month NC)":)ont worry, feelings will grow back!"

I can relate... .

My ex broke NC to tell me after some emails that I will love again and I will be fine, it was all his fault.

No sht, he just basically admitted he knew he had a problem. Just never bothered to face it in 5 years. I think he just believed he could hold it together with me, and that's why he told me so many times "I never want to hurt you"...

How do I not go insane now?

I keep trying to get better but all of a sudden a memory will come rushing in, and I see us cooking together and laughing and I break down... .

I don't think I can be like that ever again with anyone. It feels like I am mourning my own death...

He just couldn't do it. He could not not ruin this. It's so sad. It's pure insanity...

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sixspeed
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« Reply #75 on: May 26, 2011, 01:48:56 PM »

I just saw this video and after hearing the lyrics and watching the imagery it just launched me into a complete flashback. I'm sure you've all had something snap you back into that place when you see or hear it. 

Complete with the tied up victim/waif who turns around and ties you up, then goes back to their place looking for the next one to pick him/her up out on the road. Even the element of being complicit is in here, cut right into my mind.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9i1MXHGB8g0

Cults - Abducted

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GP44
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« Reply #76 on: May 26, 2011, 02:18:33 PM »

What I find ironic is that for somebody with such a fear of abandonment, she had no problem abandoning me, and inflicting her worst fears on me with the way she unexpectedly fled the relationship.
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2idealistic
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« Reply #77 on: May 26, 2011, 04:49:39 PM »

How about this one, which I nominate to the Absurdists' Hall of Fame for the double irony:

Ironic nominee #1:  After accusations that I had read her texts (multiple texts with four different men, with whom she was having emotional and one physical affair),

                             she texts me the following message:  "I can't trust anybody."

Ironic nominee #2:  In the course of that same exchange--while failing to grasp that she had betrayed me in the first place--about her inability to trust, (can you say  

                             perverse abandonment fears) I phoned her to talk about this and other issues, but she wouldn't take the call.  Instead she texted me to say "I

                             don't want to talk to you right now."  I figured out later that the reason she didn't want to "talk to [me] right now" was because that very

                             moment the guy she'd had the physical affair with was at her house, so she couldn't talk to me about things like trust and betrayal or her cover

                              would get blown.  The other guy would then know about me . . . the man she'd been in a "committed" relationship with for almost three years

                              with whom she shopped for engagement rings two weekends before.

And the winner is . . .

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« Reply #78 on: May 26, 2011, 11:49:09 PM »

I'm not sure if this qualifies as flat out irony, as it's more of a puzzle wrapped in a riddle- but a Borderline relationship begins and ends on unrequited love.

Since these are people with holes in their bucket, the love contents keep draining out. You can try to love them, but until they love themselves, the love they feel they give you is unrequited. I think that's a huge conundrum to the disorder, because you can experience a broken heart (unrequited love) with a Borderline, but the Borderline also claims to have unrequited love concerning you disapproving of them. Since the disorder swings back and forth in splitting black with reunion fantasies, the BPD uses "unrequited love" to great audience response, not really understanding that the love was not in question, but the belief about it is.

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