Did your BPD parent euthanize or give away your pet?

[epiphany54]

Recently, I was flipping through the book, "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and read one of the actions that borderline parents may do, which is to euthanize or give away a child's pet.  Has this ever happened to anyone here?

[mint-cc]

I went through a lot of pets. 

During the summer between 4th and 5th grade, I went to church camp for a week.  We didn't have a fence nor did anyone else in my town but if you called for him, he would come and it was very unusual for him to be gone for long.  Anyways my mom said she would watch him but when I came back he was nowhere to be seen- she just shrugged when I would ask about him and it seemed that she never even fed him.  It was no big deal to her.  Whether she did something like euthanize him or give him away, I don't know.  I did put posters up EVERYWHERE so I would hope that if she did give it away someone would have seen the signs and spoke up.

I had 2 more dogs after that one and she was just as uncaring with those two as she was with the one above but I don't remember many details with these two. 

[Loveisfree]

My uBPDex killed out shared pet when I would not come back to him.

My stepfather's dog turned up dead one day and he then buried him him the backyard and proceeded to plant a vegetable garden on top of the burial site.

*wondering why I am still sane  ?

[epiphany54]

My uBPDex killed out shared pet when I would not come back to him.

Just plain mean! 

The first indication I had as a child, that something wasn't right with mother was what she did to my pet, when I was 11 yrs. old.  I had a beloved black and white, pet rat... .  I loved that rat.  It may sound weird but I made houses for him out of shoe boxes, made little hats for him, would set him up in the tree where I'd watch him.   Anyway, I came home from school one day and she sat me down and TOLD me that he had cancer, so she had put him out of his misery by putting him in a mayonnaise jar and suffocating him.  She showed me my rat, dead, in the jar.  I cried for weeks.  But I was only 11 and I trusted that she was right.

[Loveisfree]

My uBPDex killed out shared pet when I would not come back to him.

Just plain mean! 

The first indication I had as a child, that something wasn't right with mother was what she did to my pet, when I was 11 yrs. old.  I had a beloved black and white, pet rat... .  I loved that rat.  It may sound weird but I made houses for him out of shoe boxes, made little hats for him, would set him up in the tree where I'd watch him.   Anyway, I came home from school one day and she sat me down and TOLD me that he had cancer, so she had put him out of his misery by putting him in a mayonnaise jar and suffocating him.  She showed me my rat, dead, in the jar.  I cried for weeks.  But I was only 11 and I trusted that she was right.

        :'(  That is beyond cruel!   WTH!  Your mom must be a touch AS along with BPD.  I am so sorry you had to go through that     

[Poupoune1]

I don't post anymore (I just read), but I have to share on this one. There will be some graphic details so please don't read this if animal cruelty upsets you too much.

Yup, she did (my mom). It always seemed to bother her that I had a big affinity with animals and desperatly wanted a pet for as long as I could remember. I wanted a pet because I was starved of love and affection and I felt the only way I could get/give any was to a four-legged furry creature, dog or cat, I had no preference. I still love animals with the same intensity now and I'm 42. I'm horrified that my own mother did this to me and to my poor babies, who didn't ask for anything other than kindness from us.

The first time it happened I was around 7, and we found this beautiful, obviously abandonned, black female cat. I begged and begged and begged and my mom finally relented and let me keep her. I had to make sure the cat was practically invisible to her. I tried to keep the cat out of harm's way, but it turns out the cat was pregnant and my mom used her babies as an excuse to get rid of her and them. She first got rid of the babies by having them drowned in a bucket when they were a few weeks old. One of our neighbours offered to do it. She waited a couple of weeks after that to get rid of the mom cat, while I was at school. She claimed she gave her away to a family that really wanted her (obviously, the fact that I really wanted her didn't count). I chose to believe that she didn't lie to me and "dispose" of the mom cat too. I was heartbroken but there was nothing I could do.

We then had a dog (I was 9), but he was forbidden to enter the house. The only time he could do it was when the winter weather would get too rough (when it reached about -20 celsius). He was then allowed to sleep in the entrance and if he set a paw anywhere else in the house he would be banished back outside. She was disgusted and "couldn't sleep" because his smell was too much for her. He smelled just like all the other dogs I've ever encountered, no more, no less. We had a carport, but still, my heart would ache when I thought of him outside all alone. I loved that dog the same way I loved my previous cat. All I wanted to do was pet him and hang out with him and share my little girl sorrows with him as I wasn't allowed to do it in the context of my own family. He disappeared after about 2 years with us. One of the neighbours caught him chasing his hens and that was it, gun shot to the head. We learned what happened much later. This one wasn't her fault, but her relief that he was gone was palpable.

Shortly after that, I got a hamster. Once again, had to make sure the pet didn't smell, didn't make any noise, etc. I kept it in my bedroom but she would comment on the "smell" all the freakin' time. She took me on a trip for one week when I was 13 and when we came back, the hamster was gone. I'm sure she told my dad to get rid of it while we were gone, it was just too big of a coincidence.

Finally, I got another cat when I was 15. She had reluctantly agreed since I pretended to be missing my brothers, who had both left the house around the same time. I couldn't care less about my brothers (we all hated each other), I just wanted a pet. She agreed, and the same thing happened. At 18 I left the house to go to college and a few weeks later she told me the cat had "disappeared". He was an outdoor cat and would get into terrible fights so it could have been killed. It was plausible. About 5 years later, out of nowhere, she recounted how she had to get rid of him because he was "missing me too much". She was actually laughing about it, as she explained that she had to put him in a box, seal it, make a hole in it and plug it to the exhaust of the car. He was a big cat, and he was only 3 years old, in his prime. I can only imagine how much of a fight he put, and how hard she had to work to get him in that box and seal it.

This last incident made me realize that she was mental. And she had the nerve to get mad at me when I expressed my indignation to her about what she had done. I became cold to her and could never look at her the same way after this incident came to light. That's when I started to do the "Medium Chill" with her, not knowing it even existed.

My mom was raised on a farm where animals had to work and "earn their keep" or be raised for their meat. Cats were kept to chase mice, dogs were kept to pull the sleighs in winter, etc. The moment they became too old or couldn't be useful anymore, they were disposed of. It was the normal thing to do, everyone did it. But she never got out of this mindset. We lived in a town, I grew up in the 70's, so animals were no longer viewed that way, but she never stepped out of the specific mindset of her youth. She couldn't comprehend the love of a human for an animal, it was stupid and wasted in her eyes.

After I moved out I adopted a 2 month-old cat and she was with me for 19 years. She passed away last year and she was the apple of my eyes. I couldn't imagine hurting her or treating her like a mere object that was there for my benefit only. I took care of her for as long as I could, happily, and only made the decision to have her euthanized when it was clear she could not continue living.

I hope my childhood pets forgive me, wherever they are, for bringing them into this horrible household that was ours.

[Waiting to Exhale]

Mom gave away one of my cats when I was 8.  He was licking me and waking me up in the middle of the night and I think around that time I had heard about how cats can make you sick so I went into my moms room crying that he licked me.  Next day I came back from school he was gone.  

She gave away the kitten I wanted and kept the two "unique" ones that she wanted... .didn't think that maybe I'd want one of the kittens I helped save.

She won't give me my cat.  Well technically my brothers cat but he's so neglectful and doesn't clean up after the cats or feed them regularly . 

[Cassy]

Yes, only mine though. She has dozens of street cats, and always had a house filled with animals. My SB and I had budgies. His died. She gave him mine, LOL. I had a cat, she left it with the people renting our house when we moved (they ended up killing it, I believe), although she dragged her own two cats and dog with us.

They don't like us to get attached to anything: family; friends; pets; even my artwork was too much for her to have to "compete" with.

[epiphany54]

She was actually laughing about it, as she explained that she had to put him in a box, seal it, make a hole in it and plug it to the exhaust of the car. He was a big cat, and he was only 3 years old, in his prime. I can only imagine how much of a fight he put, and how hard she had to work to get him in that box and seal it.

Your post literally made my jaw drop, and it takes a lot to do that, for me.  Yes, these people are "mental" as you stated.  And she was laughing about murdering your cat, which makes her actions even more disturbing.

Thank you for posting what happened to you in the past, Poupoune1... .  it really helps to know that I am not the only one who went through something like this.

[epiphany54]

They don't like us to get attached to anything: family; friends; pets; even my artwork was too much for her to have to "compete" with.

Is that why they do it?  Because they feel that they are competing for our love and affection, and they feel threatened if we show love for something or someone else?  ("aha" moment)   The pieces are slowly falling into place after 4 decades of being subjected to her insanity. 

[Silver08]

Yes, twice.  The first time, it was a kitten.  We were having trouble getting her to use the litter box.  We finally found a litter that she liked and she was using the box.  When the litter needed to be replaced, my mom bought a different brand and the cat stopped using the box.  I told her she liked the other litter, but she didn't care.  I came home from school the next day and the cat was gone.

A few years later, we got a puppy.  After a few days, she decided that the puppy was too young to be taken from his mother.  Again, I came home from school and the puppy was gone.

[Jenk]

I consider myself lucky that my parents (uBPm and en-dad) didn't euthanize or give away our family pets. But when it came time to euthanize our dogs due to failing health, no one gave me the head's up so that I had time to assimilate and grieve the situation. With both of our dogs, I was told the same day that they were being brought in to be PTS.

I lost my cockatiel due to my mom's negligence. I don't believe that she did it on purpose, but she twice forgot that he was perched on her shoulder. (That just goes to show how scatterbrained she is: the fact that she could actually forget that a living creature was on her body.)

The first time my lil' guy got away, some people a few blocks over found him two days' later. The second time, he wasn't so lucky. Apparently, he flew into the street and got hit by a car. The real kicker for me is that no one told me about my bird's death for three full weeks. (I was living apart from my parents when it happened.) And the only reason I found out about it is because I moved back into my parents' home and noticed how quiet it was--i.e., there were no bird-related sounds. When I asked my dad why my bird's cage was empty, I already felt a sinking feeling before he replied. In true enmeshed fashion, he made the whole situation about my mother. He explained what had happened, then told me to never mention it to my mother because she'd "already been through enough." Ummm... .Excuse me? What about my feelings about my loss? Hello! And how is it that I don't rate as important enough to even be informed of such a change in my life?

I hope my childhood pets forgive me, wherever they are, for bringing them into this horrible household that was ours.

I just want to say that I don't think you need to be forgiven; you're not the one who harmed them, and you didn't bring them into your parents' home with the intent that they would be harmed. You simply wanted to love and be loved. And I'm sure that they understand that fact very well. But since you hope for their forgiveness, I also have no doubt that they willingly give it.   

[PolkaDot]

Neither of my PD parents killed a pet, but I do remember once my BPD father beating a cat so hard that blood came out of its nose because he felt "disrespected" by the cat. Apparently the cat had peed or done something disagreeable in my father's room (my parents had separate bedrooms... .another thing I didn't know was abnormal until later, but I digress). My father viewed it as the cat targeting HIS territory, and thus was a personal insult intended to convey a powerful message which my dad then had to vigilantly counteract lest he cease to exist 


.

[bluecup11]

My parakeet apparently died when I went away one weekend and she made me take my cat to the pound - ok, about the cat - I'd adopted it without asking. Admittedly. But the completely cold tone with which she announced the parakeet was dead, and her telling me to stop being so dramatic when we took this older kitten to the pound and I cried, was really chilling.

Also, she drowned my sister's hamster because it was ill. I found that chilling as well.

Also, she killed her own rabbit with rat poison by leaving the poison out and letting the rabbit run around - I told her the rabbit would die, she said it would be fine.

When she had a dog, she would be given ear medicine/eye medicine for the dog and just not bother to give it to her a lot of the time.

Now she has another pet rabbit and I feel really sorry for it; it doesn't get enough exercise.

dBPD sister was very rough on animals as a child - she just manhandled them beyond the norm.  My nephew is unfortunately the same way, I'm told, with my mother's pet rabbit.

It's just a mess all around and I dread the day my mother gets another dog because I seriously cannot bear anything happening to animals. I would NEVER trust her with my dog.

[Gowest]

I hope my childhood pets forgive me, wherever they are, for bringing them into this horrible household that was ours.

NOT your fault, you were just a kid who needed to be loved.  

I had a cat that ate poison put out by "the neighbors", one that was given away when he started peeing in the house, and one that just disappeared... .ran away after 14 years. She lasted through a move and several vacations where she was left on a distant farm for a few weeks. (And once with crazy grandma, who I believe abused her because that cat remembered grandma and hated her forever after.) She had always waited for us to come get her, then that last time she just disappeared.

I wonder about that poison now. If she did it, she poisoned the wrong cat. We had two, and she didn't like the other one ("my" cat) as much.

[Jenk]

... .She killed her own rabbit with rat poison by leaving the poison out and letting the rabbit run around - I told her the rabbit would die, she said it would be fine.

Now she has another pet rabbit and I feel really sorry for it; it doesn't get enough exercise.

dBPD sister was very rough on animals as a child - she just manhandled them beyond the norm.  My nephew is unfortunately the same way, I'm told, with my mother's pet rabbit.

This info. makes me shudder; I currently have three pet rabbits and love them dearly. I can't imagine anyone poisoning any living being. :'(

[greenjay]

Wow! Has this post brought back some terrible memories of my sweet pets. We had oodles of pets growing up, but fortunately we always had help in the house that made sure they were taken care of. However, I too went away to camp one summer only to find out that my mother had gotten rid of my horse (we had several, she just picked the one that belonged to me, of course). We lived on a farm and raised a host of different kinds of animals. I took a liking to pigeons and built nesting boxes, etc. only to come home one weekend after a sleepover and she had had all the pigeons killed and made "pigeon pie" with them. I am sick to my stomach just thinking about her cruelty not only to animals but to me as well. She laughed as she was telling me about the pigeons.

Today she owns a dog and a cat and lives all alone. She travels WEEKS at a time and leaves the pets to fend for themselves by leaving a trough of food outside and a bowl of water (Strikingly familiar with how she would leave me at age 10 for a week at a time all alone to fend for myself while she went to our weekend home to get drunk! I had to feed myself, buy groceries, get to school, etc. in the middle of a big city all by myself!).

This last trip she took she locked the cat in the house accidentally before she left. The neighbor went by the house at about day 10 (just to check in on things) and the poor cat was almost dead. It's sickening.

[epiphany54]

I took a liking to pigeons and built nesting boxes, etc. only to come home one weekend after a sleepover and she had had all the pigeons killed and made "pigeon pie" with them. I am sick to my stomach just thinking about her cruelty not only to animals but to me as well. She laughed as she was telling me about the pigeons.

Sickening!   Are you still in touch with her?

[greenjay]

Epiphany, yes I am, unfortunately. She is 80, and I am the only surviving member of the family (long tragic dysfunctional story). I am in the process of helping her sell properties and moving her into an independent living situation... .within the next few weeks. Fortunately it is not in my home town. I can't stand even looking at the woman, but feel a deep sense of obligation and responsibility as there is no-one else to clean up after her mess.

[epiphany54]

I am in the process of helping her sell properties and moving her into an independent living situation... .I can't stand even looking at the woman... .

greenjay... .good luck to you in helping your mom.   My mom is 82 now.  I think we always hold out hope that we'll one day have a healthy relationship with them... .that some light-bulb will go off in their unstable heads and they'll finally "get it" and pick up the phone and say, "ya know, I was such a sick jerk for doing those things to you... .  I have mental problems and I'm really sorry for hurting you in the past... .  let's work on this relationship!"   But I know the reality of it all is that she will die without realizing any of this and I'll have a hole in my heart forever.

[oceaneyes]

We always had way too many cats when I was growing up and my uBPDmom never took care of them like she should have. They rarely got their shots and yet she let them be indoor/outdoor animals. At the most, she had three dogs, two cats, a red slider (freshwater turtle), and two freshwater fish tanks. None of her animals ever got spayed or neutered, so occasionally she would have litters of cats or puppies that she'd sell or otherwise rehome.

She overfeeds the dogs, one of them recently died from diabetes at age 9. I find it really frustrating because I love animals and it hurts me to see one die so unnecessarily. It's incredibly sad. One of her cats was actually my childhood pet and I came to visit one weekend and couldn't find her, so I asked uBPDmom where my cat was and she confessed that she had taken her to the pound knowing that no one would adopt her (she was very old, like 13-14) and that at least that way she would be euthanized. She acted like she did the cat a favor. The cat had health issues, but she never took her to the vet, she never asked me if I would take the cat in. It really hurt my feelings and she acted so cold about it, like it had no affect on her. I would have gladly taken my cat in and taken her to the vet, even if she did need to be euthanized because of her declining health. She was a loyal, loving pet that deserved to die with dignity with her owners by her side, not shipped off to some strange place to be put down like a stray. It still hurts me to think about it. That was when I started to really pay attention to my mom's behavior.

She only has one dog and one cat now (along with the turtle) and after her last rage episode at me she has now declared that the dog is her SON because he shows her love and respect and expects nothing in return. Sure, mom. 

[polly87]

Hi there,

I'm sorry for all the mistreated ones - people and pets - out there... .

My uBPD mother killed my rabbit the day after it had mated with the neighbours' rabbit. She brought my cat to the pet asylum because she claimed it gave her an eye infection, but the infection lasted months after the cat had been gone. She also killed the plants in my patch of the garden.

[MyLifeNow]

After reading that chapter I remembered the time that my dad "accidentally" ran over my cat in the driveway, and I'm pretty sure now that it was intentional. He had left the house like a thunderstorm out of nowhere, with the cold and dead eyes that he has whenever he needs to lash out at people. I have no idea where he was planning to go, but he put the car in reverse and floored it. He claimed that the cat "ran under" the car. We'd only adopted that cat 4 months previous, after the previous cat my mom had adopted finally died after a fairly long life.

Dad felt incredibly guilty right away, and wound up taking me out for cake immediately after. It was a surreal situation where I was still trying to get the smell of cat blood out of my nostrils while sitting in front of a chocolate torte. And then out of nowhere he tells me about how he stopped mom from committing suicide before I was born. Very detailed story, that she was standing on the railing of their balcony. Which floor it was etc. About 12 years later I'm visiting my mom and when we get talking about him she tells me the same exact story, down to the littlest detail... .but it was him on the balcony not her. Strange, disturbing event but 13 year old me believed him because hey, he's my dad.

We adopted a new cat right away, and specifically got a white one that would be "easy to see" on the pavement. As the years went by he never harmed her that I knew of, but seemed to get kind of fixated on how much I loved her. This was, I think, when his emotional state really started to careen out of control. He would frequently be brought to tears in emotional outbursts that came as suddenly and without warning as the rages. So with that cat all went well. Until I graduated from university and moved from the east coast to the west coast to find my first job and get a career started in my field of study. The fact that I was leaving caused a huge number of fights. It didn't matter to him that the entire region was economically moribund and my only option if I stayed would be to go on welfare. All that mattered was that he needed me. So the problem was that my cat did not do well around other animals, and I was going to be staying with my aunt who already had two cats (one of which was very violent) until I was settled and had my own place.

So, the cat had to stay home for a while. At this point I was starting to get a little independence finally, and was able to make it clear to him that if he followed through on his threat to give her away after I left that I would never speak to him again. So he didn't kill her or give her away, but when she started peeing in the laundry basket he didn't take her to the vet like I demanded. She only needed $15 worth of antibiotics, but he let the UTI fester until it migrated into her kidneys. Not long after this I finally got an apartment and got her shipped across the country. A month later I wound up having to skip a morning at work when I got out of bed and found my cat unable to stand. My aunt's vet stabilized her, and then I found out it would take $1400 worth of treatment to keep her alive (kitty dialysis) ... .at a time when I had a grand total of $1600 to my name. So I call dad to ask for help... .and he wouldn't give me a single dollar. He suggested I put her down.

In the end I didn't. The vet was willing to give me a short installment plan without any interest cost, so that I could pay it back over a few months without having to load up a credit card. I didn't figure out that dad was responsible until a few years later. The kidney infection was a stubbornly persistent ecoli thing, which another vet discovered after I brought in a sample of kidney tissue my cat had "peed out". Basically he didn't clean her litter box to the point where she wasn't able to bury her poop, some of it got on her and that was that. We put her on a very intense round of antibiotics that finally killed the infection and I got another 4 years with her.

[cleotokos]

epiphany, yes this happened to me. When I was 6 or 7 my mother gave away one of my two cats. She didn't tell me and acted like he just went missing. I was devastated, then she told me she'd seen him in a house and he was happy (this was supposed to make me feel better). I was outraged and confused as to why she didn't get him back if she saw him! Later (I think when I was a teenager) she admitted she had given him away because she thought he'd been peeing in the house (it was actually the other cat that I got to keep) and she had no idea I would have been so upset about it.

[caughtnreleased]

They don't like us to get attached to anything: family; friends; pets; even my artwork was too much for her to have to "compete" with.

Is that why they do it?  Because they feel that they are competing for our love and affection, and they feel threatened if we show love for something or someone else?  ("aha" moment)   The pieces are slowly falling into place after 4 decades of being subjected to her insanity. 

My mother also couldn't stand to see me be absorbed in artwork.  She would interrupt it always, with the excuse that I wasn't going to clean it up so it was time for her to clean.  Cleaning was an excuse to ruin everyone's day - funny how the house was always messy though.  As for pets, she left us alone on that one, even though she would frequently kick the cats, shoo them away, or throw them violently off "her" furniture.  She (and perhaps my sister) were the only ones who did not seem to need any affection, and refused it from cats.  She was an emotional terrorist, so the cats would actually flee her whenever she entered the room. My sister did torment my cat by holding him upside down by his hind legs. Her cat lost its mind. Mine didn't. I like to think it,s because I gave him all the affection I wasn't allowed to express with the rest of my family. He lived 20 years.

[Spruce927]

So this post stopped me in my tracks. 

I didn't know this was a "thing" amongst BPD parents. 

I remember having a love for animals for as long as I can remember.  I begged and begged for a dog.  In the meantime I had a couple of hamsters and maybe a fish.  Finally one day I came home from school (I think I was in about 7th grade) and there was a puppy in my room.  I almost died.  My sister and I named her snuggles. 

Now to be perfectly honest she had some behavior issues.  She would bark a ton (but often small dogs do) and one day she growled at a friend who came over when she went near the toy she was chewing on.  This sent my mother into a chaotic storm about us getting "sued" and "loosing everything we have" which she basically thought all the time about everything. 

Anyway, we loved snuggles and she was our first dog.  My sister is 3 years younger.  One day we come home from school and snuggles is just GONE.  There was absolutely no explanation beforehand.  Yes, we knew that my parents weren't exactly thrilled with her but who doesn't WARN children.  I remember this traumatized my sister deeply.  She was very young and wrote a letter to my mom about this. 

I'm cringing as I write this.  Such a cruel thing to do.  We didn't get to say goodbye. 

[bethanny]

Our beloved dog was elderly.  Apparently had become sick and was put down.  Sitting at the dinner table maybe one of us finally noticed and began asking after the dog.  My mother accused us of not even having noticed the dog was missing, which showed how heartless we were about the dog.  Somehow the message was both she and the dog had been grotesquely unappreciated and taken for granted by all of us.

We all sat there in shock and horribly, gratuitously-induced guilt. Had my mother been guilty about the decision and needed to prove we were not attentive enough or caretaking enough of the dog to ease her own guilt?  Maybe we were less than conscientious tending to the dog.  But we loved her.  To totally omit that reality at such an anguished moment was so very cruel of my mother.

My mother supplied no details of what happened, where had the dog gone and when.  We never even spoke to each other in any kind of processing the feelings comfort or mutual anger way.  My mother was in her God the Father judgmental type of role.  Maybe my brothers talked privately about the guilt-mongering.  The dog had been a source of unconditional love in a family that did not readily provide it. My younger brothers were gentle and kind but we were divided in a way by my mother, all us children, like spokes on a wheel having to report and be loyal to her as the center.

My mother was a genius at nuking singly or collectively family members with profound guilt.

[Only Child]

excellent topic: definitely one of the first signs of a BPD parent.  Yes, my mother euthanized my dog that had from age 9 when I went away to college and she wanted to move from our house into an apartment by herself.  She didn't even tell me about this.

[Lily77]

This is an interesting, and somewhat depressing topic. I never connected the dots until now, but my mother was very careless and uninterested with our pets growing up. I was given my first pet at the age of 4, a little kitten. She was given away because she apparently wasn't litter box trained and my mother didn't want to deal with the mess. I had another cat several years later who ran away when we moved to a new house. My mother blew it off as if it wasn't that big of a deal. We didn't even put up fliers or go around the neighborhood looking for him. My third cat developed feline leukemia and my mother put her out in a cardboard box on the porch the night before we were going to have her euthanized. I could hear her meowing but wasn't allowed to stay with her. Another cat was left behind when we moved away. My mother claimed our dog was stolen by our petsitter when we went on a trip, but now I'm starting to wonder if she actually gave her away... .

[Leaving]

I don't post anymore (I just read), but I have to share on this one. There will be some graphic details so please don't read this if animal cruelty upsets you too much.

Yup, she did (my mom). It always seemed to bother her that I had a big affinity with animals and desperatly wanted a pet for as long as I could remember. I wanted a pet because I was starved of love and affection and I felt the only way I could get/give any was to a four-legged furry creature, dog or cat, I had no preference. I still love animals with the same intensity now and I'm 42. I'm horrified that my own mother did this to me and to my poor babies, who didn't ask for anything other than kindness from us.

The first time it happened I was around 7, and we found this beautiful, obviously abandonned, black female cat. I begged and begged and begged and my mom finally relented and let me keep her. I had to make sure the cat was practically invisible to her. I tried to keep the cat out of harm's way, but it turns out the cat was pregnant and my mom used her babies as an excuse to get rid of her and them. She first got rid of the babies by having them drowned in a bucket when they were a few weeks old. One of our neighbours offered to do it. She waited a couple of weeks after that to get rid of the mom cat, while I was at school. She claimed she gave her away to a family that really wanted her (obviously, the fact that I really wanted her didn't count). I chose to believe that she didn't lie to me and "dispose" of the mom cat too. I was heartbroken but there was nothing I could do.

We then had a dog (I was 9), but he was forbidden to enter the house. The only time he could do it was when the winter weather would get too rough (when it reached about -20 celsius). He was then allowed to sleep in the entrance and if he set a paw anywhere else in the house he would be banished back outside. She was disgusted and "couldn't sleep" because his smell was too much for her. He smelled just like all the other dogs I've ever encountered, no more, no less. We had a carport, but still, my heart would ache when I thought of him outside all alone. I loved that dog the same way I loved my previous cat. All I wanted to do was pet him and hang out with him and share my little girl sorrows with him as I wasn't allowed to do it in the context of my own family. He disappeared after about 2 years with us. One of the neighbours caught him chasing his hens and that was it, gun shot to the head. We learned what happened much later. This one wasn't her fault, but her relief that he was gone was palpable.

Shortly after that, I got a hamster. Once again, had to make sure the pet didn't smell, didn't make any noise, etc. I kept it in my bedroom but she would comment on the "smell" all the freakin' time. She took me on a trip for one week when I was 13 and when we came back, the hamster was gone. I'm sure she told my dad to get rid of it while we were gone, it was just too big of a coincidence.

Finally, I got another cat when I was 15. She had reluctantly agreed since I pretended to be missing my brothers, who had both left the house around the same time. I couldn't care less about my brothers (we all hated each other), I just wanted a pet. She agreed, and the same thing happened. At 18 I left the house to go to college and a few weeks later she told me the cat had "disappeared". He was an outdoor cat and would get into terrible fights so it could have been killed. It was plausible. About 5 years later, out of nowhere, she recounted how she had to get rid of him because he was "missing me too much". She was actually laughing about it, as she explained that she had to put him in a box, seal it, make a hole in it and plug it to the exhaust of the car. He was a big cat, and he was only 3 years old, in his prime. I can only imagine how much of a fight he put, and how hard she had to work to get him in that box and seal it.

This last incident made me realize that she was mental. And she had the nerve to get mad at me when I expressed my indignation to her about what she had done. I became cold to her and could never look at her the same way after this incident came to light. That's when I started to do the "Medium Chill" with her, not knowing it even existed.

My mom was raised on a farm where animals had to work and "earn their keep" or be raised for their meat. Cats were kept to chase mice, dogs were kept to pull the sleighs in winter, etc. The moment they became too old or couldn't be useful anymore, they were disposed of. It was the normal thing to do, everyone did it. But she never got out of this mindset. We lived in a town, I grew up in the 70's, so animals were no longer viewed that way, but she never stepped out of the specific mindset of her youth. She couldn't comprehend the love of a human for an animal, it was stupid and wasted in her eyes.

After I moved out I adopted a 2 month-old cat and she was with me for 19 years. She passed away last year and she was the apple of my eyes. I couldn't imagine hurting her or treating her like a mere object that was there for my benefit only. I took care of her for as long as I could, happily, and only made the decision to have her euthanized when it was clear she could not continue living.

I hope my childhood pets forgive me, wherever they are, for bringing them into this horrible household that was ours.

Your pets do forgive you.  That may sound like a canned response but I sincerely mean that.

When I read your story, my heart broke because I felt so damn guilty for so many years for subjecting my animals to my NPD/BPD mother and husband.  I can't go into my own story about one of my dogs right now but I refuse to bring any pet into my house as long as I'm living with my husband.

My mother is one of those animal rescuers who treats her animals like crap if they don't provide enough narcissistic supply.  My husband never shows a micron of love or attention to an animal ( or me)  UNLESS someone is watching who will admire him for doing so and then he goes back to his usual negligent jealous self.  He was extremely jealous of the love that my animals and I shared.  When one of my dogs came to me in the middle of the night because she was dying, I held her and I whispered to my husband that it was time, that she had come to pass with us.  He jumped up, angry as hell and said, ' What the F do you want me to do!"  I think I could have killed him in that moment. Really.  I did physically jump on him and I pushed him out of the room and ran back to my dog who died in my arms. I'll never forgive him for that ... .EVER!  My gosh, he's such a hateful evil man that he can't even fake enough compassion to give me one last peaceful moment while I do the most painful thing I've ever done in my life!   5 minutes after she died, he ran to get the vacuum and clean up all her bedding and toys and said, ' We can go to the Bahamas now'.  Before that, he had never once vacuumed the floor or cleaned anything in our home.

My mother called me when I was in college and demanded I come home and euthanize my dog. There was no empathy.  She was complaining that she wanted more space in the house and to do it right away. She wasn't there when I had to pick up my dog.  She's never there.  I'm certain that she euthanized my grandmother as well- had the nurse do it when she wasn't there. The money was being wasted on caring for a 90 year old woman, you know?