Hitting the bottom

[Yat4]

Well, it's been three months since my daughter attempted suicide. Since she got out of the hospital, she has not gone back to any counseling.

She blew through $9000 of her tax return (on what? and now has no money left. She lost a good job because she called in sick all the time.

Now she has a go-fund-me set up, telling everyone she is homeless and needs to move back to Reno to be with her ex-family so they can take care of her. I feel so bad for the kids, but helpless to do anything.

We put up a strict boundry that she cannot live here. Our finances and out marriage would not survive it. I still feel like a complete ass, even though it is best for us. Someone please tell me I am doing the right thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Yat4

As parents we are so often in a position of re-inforcing unhealthy behaviour through Fear Obligation and Guilt.  So well done to you for standing strong despite how difficult this feels for you.  I too am in the phase of boundary setting with my DD27 in order to change patterns of behaviour.  It's a slow process but I've turned my guilt into feeling proud of small steps.

Making space for yourself and your husband is really important and allows you to engage with your daughter in more healthy ways without sabotaging your own sanctuary.

It is hard to watch our children falter and fall, get up and falter again but we can always let them know we are there, and love them and gently guide them.  

Have you read Shari Manning's "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder"?  There is some wonderful information in there about boundary/limit setting and guilt.  It really has helped reshape my thinking.

Merlot

[bluek9]

Hi Yat4, let me echo Merlot  well done keeping your boundaries! I know it can be soo very had to do that. Darn it all, us parents, we want so badly for our children to do well, have what they need. But, we have to finds that fine line of caring and not enabling, our boundaries are what give us that line.
    Yes I think you're doing the right thing! And no I don't think you should feel like an ahole. I found with my daughter that if I let her pull me down in the mud of her poor choices, then we were both in the wrong place and there was no one on the outside to help either of us. I'm so happy that you have a spouse to be by your side, you can lean on each other, enjoy the company of each other.
     One thing I said to myself as my kids were growing up was; if they don't make mistakes they won't learn. And yes I know very well that some of those mistakes BPD's make can be horrendous. I love her any way no matter what, as I'm sure you do your child. Take care 

[Mutt]

Hi Yat4,

 

Your title  caught my eye I just wanted to say that you’re not all me. I didn’t by haves child with BPD traits that have an ex wife. Similar to what bluek9 said about not getting dragged in the muck, through a conversation with my social worker about my struggles with setting boundaries with the kids she said that boundaries gives a child a sense of safety. Someone has to take lead, your choice us certainly not an easy one but right choices are not always the easy ones. Hang in there.

[wendydarling]

Hi there Yat4  

It's so good to see you back here with us, I'm sorry things are not moving on, yet.  Mutt's comment resonated with me right choices are not easy when dealing with our loved ones.

It's hard the place you are in, I held firm and pushed through gently, slowly with love and care and yes my DD felt the safety Mutt speaks of, helps her move forwards.

Parents here helped me move forwards, hold the line, see the light and learning  

You are not on your own Yat4, how are you feeling today? Posting or joining others in their threads really did it for me, reaching out.

WDx

[Yat4]

Thank you all for your kind words. Everyday feels like a new low. I'm afraid to ask what else can happen, because something does! I am just so heartbroken about the grandkids. They have no idea from day to day what is going to happen, who to believe or even where they are going to live. I offered to let them live here until she can get settled where ever she wants, then she accused me of trying to steal her children.  There is nothing more I can do but watch the train wreck. Thank you for letting me have a voice here. I don't feel that I have one anywhere else.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I so feel for you, Yat4. It's hard enough worrying about your child, I can't imagine what it's like worrying about your grandkids too. I'm so sorry this is happening. It really does feel like a slow motion trainwreck!

You are doing an awesome job and the only thing you can do is set boundaries to take care of yourself. We also will not allow our daughter to live with us, our marriage/sanity/finances would not survive. Hang in there, you're doing a good job 

[wendydarling]

Hi Yat4

Big hugs to you  we are here with you all the way. Are you getting to see, spend time with the grandchildren, do they visit? You did the right thing offering to take in the children while she set herself up, I'm sorry your kind offer was turned down. As others say hang in there, you are doing right, it's how your DD'll learn what her options are and are not.  Will the ex-family in Reno care for her and the kids as she's expecting them to?

WDx

[mybabygirl23]

Thank you for posting - my 21 daughter just attempted suicide for the 2nd time (1st was 6 months ago). In addition to BPD she is in a codependent abusive live-in relationship that she was supposedly about to end. She is still in the hospital and wants him by her side, when i told her that i would sit by an pretend that they are a healthy relationship so she told me to leave. And is now saying they will work all of this out. I'm so frustrated and hurt that she continues down such destructive paths and then I think she's coming around and try to help her find solutions only to be blamed again. Maybe its time I cease contact... .i really don't know what to do anymore.

[Yat4]

Hi Yat4

Big hugs to you  we are here with you all the way. Are you getting to see, spend time with the grandchildren, do they visit? You did the right thing offering to take in the children while she set herself up, I'm sorry your kind offer was turned down. As others say hang in there, you are doing right, it's how your DD'll learn what her options are and are not.  Will the ex-family in Reno care for her and the kids as she's expecting them to?

WDx

She is not talking to me at all right now and not letting us see the kids. I think the ex-family in Reno will take care of her for awhile, but it will end up just like every other time that she has moved to have someone take care of her. She just takes until there is nothing left and they tire of her. I'm just sitting patiently back right now and working on myself. That's all I can do for now.

[wendydarling]

She is not talking to me at all right now and not letting us see the kids. I think the ex-family in Reno will take care of her for awhile, but it will end up just like every other time that she has moved to have someone take care of her. She just takes until there is nothing left and they tire of her. I'm just sitting patiently back right now and working on myself. That's all I can do for now.

I agree with you, it is all you can do now Yat4, you are doing your very best, you understand your DD as best you can right now, it's wait and see like jones54, and many parents here.

What do you think the best outcome is for your DD and how will she get there?

WDx 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yat4]

I really think that the only thing that will help her now is to go into therapy. Unfortunately at this point, she doesn't want to. Since her suicide attempt in December and 2 week hospitalization, she hasn't been back to a therapist since and has quit all her medications. There is a very good clinic here for BPD (but expensive!). I told her I would find a way to pay for it if she chooses to go, but she doesn't want it. There is nothing more I can do.

[Yat4]

Well, she showed up today with the kids and asked me to watch them while she went to pawn things at the pawn store. I had a good afternoon with the kids, playing and finger painting outside in the beautiful weather. Meanwhile, she posted this to her facebook:

"My kids will always have a home with me, and if I don't, I'll be right next to them on street. I will never let my kids feel alone, scared with no place to go. To me being a parent is making sure your kids are ok no matter the age. I refuse to live better than them."

I had just explained to her that we do not have the means to pay her rent, wished the best for her and the kids and seemed to be okay. How do I deal with this? I'm not responding or even acknowledging that I saw this, but it breaks my heart!

[Merlot]

Hi Yat4

I so understand the taking all and then cutting you off.  It is so hard to feel used and abused (publicly) and tossed around; and of course it breaks your heart. The reality of someone with BPD is so distorted to us but so real to them.  As parents, sometimes the question is how do we bridge the gap in a version of events that keeps us so polarised? 

It's not easy and everyday is a challenge.  In particular when our children are not readily able to accept that they may have a mental health issue that requires some intervention.

I so understand the taking all and then cutting you off.  It is so hard to feel used and abused and tossed around.

The options for us are about how we help them help themselves rather than rescue, and of course make sure we look after ourselves in the process.  No easy task. There is so much wonderful literature on the board and from other parents.  Do you find it useful? AS WD said you are doing the very best that you can and coming here to share really shows you care.

Hope you are doing ok.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hi Yat4

I am so happy for you that you had such a great time with your grand kids and so sorry that it all turned sour when you read your daughters Facebook post. Maybe she wrote it to hurt you, expecting you to find out about it one way or another. It was her choice to write that but it is your choice how you react to it.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you are working on yourself now, good for you, you have recognised that you need to put yourself first, I know it can be hard at first especially when we are used to taking care of others, but you and your own wellbeing do matter x

[wendydarling]

Hi Yat4

The FB is heartbreaking and hard not to take personally where the expectation and pattern is others fixing, rescuing and we now know that's not the solution. Merlot describes it well sometimes the question is how do we bridge the gap in a version of events that keeps us so polarised? 

How are you feeling today?

WDx

[Yat4]

I don't hear anything from her for a week. We take a sigh of relief, then it hits again. Like a thunderstorm on a sunny day.  I think that I may be learning how to respond better. Would you give me some feedback? Boundries are hard!
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This ended with her asking if she could come over to use my computer to apply for jobs. I'm taking that as a good sign?

[jones54]

Hi Yat4,
Boundaries are so difficult. You can read my story under "I am done". It is quite prolonged. My 32 yo BPD daughter has never intentional tried to commit suicide but has I am sure 5 times OD's from heroin. She is a very bad addict. She is very manipulative and lies when she is using. Her mother and I (we are divorced) had to put up a boundary with zero contact about 3 months ago. Hardest thing we ever did but it was necessary due to her ongoing addiction and her BPD. She had been harassing me for close to 8 months. She was using and we had been supporting her financially (her rent had been paid in advance by her mother). When she dropped out of Grad School (yes she was in grad school to be a social worker to work with addicts) we completely pulled back. She has no children which is a blessing to me. I am sure it is so difficult with grandchildren. I am hopeful that she will go into rehab... .she was supposed to go today but is now resisting. She is homeless. There is nothing harder than cutting your child off, seeing her homeless, using drugs because she is not happy in life. But we tried for so many years to support her but nothing ever changed. She was always a "taker". Don't get me wrong, she can be very grateful. That is what is so hard for all of us. There are moments with our BPD children and they seem "normal" and we can seem to be having a good relationship with them. But it never lasts. I have decided that they only way (and I pray for this constantly) is that my daughter decides first to get sober. Once she has done this, she will need intense therapy for her mental illness. We are all enablers. We do this out of love but we should never do anything that someone should be able to do for themselves. It is such a fine line with BPD. It is hard not to think they are not disabled with their mental illness. But a therapist has told me that even though they have a mental illness, they can still seek help if they want to get better. I am hopeful my daughter will do this both for her addiction and her mental health. So hard for her parents because she has always blamed us for her life and never has been able to look in the mirror and see how all her poor choices (mostly the drugs) has gotten her where she is today.

[Yat4]

Thank you Jones54. I know what we are doing is right even though it feels horrible sometimes. Thank you for reminding me why we need to have boundaries. I'm so sorry for your situation. I hope that your daughter will come around and seek the help that she needs.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

I don't hear anything from her for a week. We take a sigh of relief, then it hits again. Like a thunderstorm on a sunny day.  I think that I may be learning how to respond better. Would you give me some feedback? Boundries are hard!
www.photobucket.com/gallery/user/Lawyatt/media/cGF0aDovQ2FwdHVyZTMyMC0xX3pwc2g4YXFsbG54LmpwZw==/?ref=1
www.photobucket.com/gallery/user/Lawyatt/media/cGF0aDovQ2FwdHVyZTMyMC0xX3pwc2g4YXFsbG54LmpwZw==/?ref=1


This ended with her asking if she could come over to use my computer to apply for jobs. I'm taking that as a good sign?

Definitely a good sign! And the things she said literally could be quotes from my own daughter. Verbatim. Your responses were great! I've found texting so much easier than phone calls. And yes, the short reprieves with no contact can feel like such a relief.

You are doing amazing, you should be proud of yourself