So why can they have object constancy when they are expecting the love r/s and not when they actually living it ?
It's the "longing" for something that fuels their need to "become." It is the reward. In object constancy problems, the object that's rewarding (that's you) withdraws- often because of a missed phone call or some other triggering event unknown to you.
Because the object (that's you) is never constant, it triggers fears that it is leaving. This causes the Borderline to feel badly and creates a problem with object constancy, moving back and forth as it does, causing the worry that the deficient self is becoming enmeshed with your needs and wants and you dont care (they are waiting around like a slave- and you are unappreciative) This causes panic (anxiety) when you are not available.
The movement of the pendulum (thought process) creates clinging and then distancing and the relationship (if you can call it that- it's more like a disordered objectified interaction) is doomed to play out in the Borderline distorted beliefs about you, namely persecution.
Once the object (that's you) is split black, the Borderline part time object (the deficient self= her) that was fused with you is now also split black and distancing is required to permit the search for newer, good rewarding objects to fuse with. That's the only way the Borderline will feel better about herself, outside of returning to you as a rewarding object.
