Losing my children because of BPD husband

[Needhelp69]

Hi! I have a husband of 30 years with BPD. For years I was guilted into thinking I just didnt know how to submit! 11 years ago our eldest left our home. I had no idea why, we grieved for years cause she never admitted why. Then 4 years ago, one of my sons got married (cause he could hardly wait to leave), 2 years ago our other son left... .he was totally depressed at home though he didnt like to admit it. Now he is successful and happy. I have another older daughter at home still who comes and goes cause of a busy schedule... .in the last several months my last 4 children have been suffering. They are 10,13,15,17. My 17 yr old used to stable and mature.  She started getting sick just over a year ago... .took her to Dr's, no diagnosis. They say nothing is wrong.

After she had a basic melt down, we figured out her emotions are affecting her physical health.  All the children are affected. The thing is even though my husband and I dont really "fight " anymore, as I have learned that relying to explain my thoughts or defend his misunderstands only makes things worse... .wish I had known that 30 yrs ago!

Anyway, the way he attacks me or the children when he misunderstands has my 17 yr old totally emotionally burned out. She hides in the her room when he is home... .only coming out when she has to for meals. You have to understand she used to be his favorite... .but she is emotionally done. I've thought for years he might have bi-polar... .but it didnt quite match up.  Ow that I've found BPD it matches exactly. 

My eldest daughter, whom he basically kicked out (gave an ultimatum to when she was 19, found out my 17 yr old was struggling and that was it! She got upset and told me to deal with it now... that being controlled is NOT submission... .its weakness. And that if I didnt deal with it soon she would. She does not want her siblings to go through what she did growing up. And my husband wonders why she left home, met a guy online at 29 yrs of age, and is now cohabiting with him. They just got engaged... .she asked my husband to walk her down the isle... .he says he wont even COME to the wedding. She wants all the children to be involved in the wedding but my husband wont let us go... .not without tremendous guilt!

It's my 17 yr old and the younger ones I'm worried about. I did sit him down last weekend and told him there was a problem and presented it to him. He flipped out for about 5 minutes with all kinds of verbal abuse saying our problem is we just dont know how to submit, and if we don't have any use for him we should just leave,  or maybe he should just leave and then we can find out how life is without a husband/father, etc.

Once settled down we went through the material I had printed off on BPD and he said it perfectly matched his symptoms... .we final had a diagnosis. Now for a solution before pur 17 yr old goes totally bonkers... .

Qe find two places in the usa (we are from Manitoba, Canada), and with fuel, lodging and food would cost us $6000 and the second $3000. Neither of which we can afford right now. Both seemed solid and would work with heart issues and not use drugs... .but they seem less and less like an option. If we dont get help soon we will lose our 17 yr old too as well as one by one... .I love my children, even when they make choices i wouldn't make... .they are precious and we have to let them grow up and make their own choices and let them go like butterflies.

My husband starts to distance himself from then around 16 years of age... .when they really start to think for themselves.  So he pushes them away when they need him most... .they get disillusioned and depressed. Once they leave home they become happy and thrive.

How do I get help for my husband. My girls say its  ot like he physically, or sexually abused anyone. He isnt a mean wolf, he doesn't even mean to hurt them or even always realize he does it... .he honestly can't figure out why they avoid him and what he is done that affects them so drastically. And I have a hard time explaining it. I know I'm a basket case from putting up with it for years and years . I canr even read my children stories and I bawl... .and there is nothing happy for sad in them... .

I want to be respectful to my husband, but make him see the seriousness of the situation asap... .before I lose my beautiful 17 yr old daughter to dispair and  nothingness.

If anyone has advice... .I'd like help... .desperately.

When I posted on a site 11 yrs ago when my eldest left to join a religious group... almost everyone said happy homes dont have children just take off... something must have been  wrong... .I honestly didnt know at the time what it was... .now I see clearly!

Waiting for advice... .wish I could sit in a group with people physically present... .and Interact... .but then agai , I'd probably cry!

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[pearlsw]

Hi Needhelp69,



I am glad you found us here and have started posting. There is a lot going on here, and a lot to talk about. I think in time, if you stick with us, you'll find a lot of support and advice here if you so desire. It can become a much needed part of your overall support system.

While I don't have kids, I did want to at least step up and offer some support to you as best I can until others with more personal experience or insights with regards to your particular situation arrive. I can offer support and sympathy though! It sounds very hard to feel you might be "losing your kids" or seeing them mistreated in any way.

I think it is important to remember that you can't control him, not what he thinks or what he does. There is freedom in accepting this, that all you have control over is yourself, your own actions and thoughts, not his. All that to say, he may or may not "see the seriousness of the situation" and "act accordingly".  I know that hurts because as humans we want to feel understood and it is reasonable to have expectations of others, but it is important to set realistic expectations of our partners given their oftentimes distorted views, etc.

There is a lot on this site to help you totally relearn how you communicate. It is not automatic, often NOT intuitive, and does take time to learn. But you can read up on various methods and start trying them right away. You will make mistakes, you won't see instant results, things can even get worse before they get better (your partner may get upset that you aren't acting the way he is used to for example) but if you turn it into a practice it may bring you some peace of mind that you are doing all you can under a difficult set of circumstances for anyone to face. Keep in mind therapists need therapy to support them when they have such patients, and you are dealing with this 24/7!

Validation
SET

Let us know what you think once you read those! Are those things you'd like to try?

Also, all hope is not lost. I know it must hurt very much, but relationships are two way streets with adult children and I think you have a lot of room to make things better with them, or you can at least do your best and try!

wishing you peace, pearl.