Triangulate ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Did I read this word here somewhere?

What does it refer to?

Ripples

[Ripples]

Did I read this word here somewhere?

What does it refer to?

Ripples

[clairedair]

Hi Ripples

triangulation (read definition) usually refers to a 'three-person relationship'.  For example, if husband and wife are experiencing conflict, husband may go to his mother and complain instead of communicating directly with his partner.  The mother sides with the husband, leaving the wife as the 'odd one out'.  Later, husband and wife may be back on track and it's the mother who's out in the cold despite being the shoulder to cry on earlier. It's not healthy for the marriage if the couple can't communicate but it becomes very unhealthy if a third person is repeated pulled into the conflict.



               Click on diagram for more information

In relationships where a pwBPD is involved, you might see triangulation (read definition) in a situation where the pwBPD has left one parter, quickly started a relationship with another and then goes back and forth between the two.  Can even happen in marriage counselling if counsellor 'sides' with one partner (or is perceived to side with one partner).

Tends to be a dsyfunctional relationship type.   Whoever happens to be on the outside then tries to get back in and so the merry go round continues - the original conflicted couple are behaving in an unhealthy way but so too is the third party as they keep getting emotionally involved rather than setting boundaries.   In the end the 'triangle' can be more of an issue than the conflict that first created it.  Triangulation (read definition) means that the couple avoid dealing with the original conflict.

A third person can provide empathy and love but needs to be careful not to step into the triangle!

The chances of triangulation (read definition) occurring are less where there's trust and intimacy in the relationship.

[FindingMe2011]

It refers to Karpmans triangle, ( he must be the one whom figured this out). It shows me how dysfunctional relationships are.  You have the 3 types of players. 1- the rescuer, 2- the victim, 3- the persecuter,  Use your imagination with your past r/s with BPD, in the begining, I was the rescuer, her the victim, and her last SO was the persecuter. Now that we are separated, she is still the victim, new b/f the rescuer, and me the persecuter. It can be related to all types of relationships and situations, but still dysfunctional, and exhausting. She constantly attempts to get me involved, in some form. Confusing and exhausting. Another reason to stay N/C.

[Ripples]

Thank you both very much, that makes things a lot clearer.

When I first met my ex she was recently out of a relationship but kept close contact with him when I was on the scene. It got to the point one evening when she invited him to meet us without telling me! I found the whole thing very odd.

Throughout this time she would text him a lot too. One evening when she was not communicating I flipped and she left and went and stayed at his place.

I can see how my role has shifted throughout this experience. Saviour to persecutor and now I think she is testing the waters to see if I can be a saviour again.

[FindingMe2011]

Yes, run while you have liitle vested. Those whom play only validate those with BPD, and pushes them to continue. my wife is now trying to reengage with me.I have layed the boundary of no contact unless the well being of children is in jeopardy. So what does she do. Email about kids cell phone plan. Call about allstar uniforms. Call about how she doesnt agree with whatever. Or some other insugnificant issue. And yes these all seem like normal questions people ask, but she isnt normal. She is just feeling me out to see if i will be the back up plan. Its a serious illness, one only she can fix. But there are plenty of takers, to fill her hole riddled emotional bucket.

[Ripples]

What I have also noticed in the past, before I realised what was happening is that when she contacted me after a spell of absence she would be ever so sweet and nice. But if I contacted her after a period of absence I really pissed her off.

So triangulation (read definition) is on their terms only it would appear... .

[OTH]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=148090.msg1436249#msg1436249

The Karpman drama triangle is tool used to describe a dysfunctional relationship. It is not specific to BPD. People on the staying board are encouraged to stay off the triangle. It is the common pattern of significant relationships for untreated BPDs or BPDs who lack self awareness. The triangle needs players though. Nons get sucked into and fuel the drama. Read the article carefully. See your role on it.

[FindingMe2011]

Yes regardless of what the SAY, they are the center of the universe, and yes everything is on their terms. Lying, cheating, manipulating, projecting, selfishness, are all the nature of the beast.

[Zena321]

I have a question on triangulation (read definition) if someone can answer . I too am sep. from my udx BPDH he left over 5 years back has a gf almost 3 years now. We have very low contact. As he puts it his business is his private business so I know very little of her. If I call to talk to him she will be very nice and take a message and say she'll have him call me back. When we talk its nothing personal so to speak.Hardly ever see one another maybe 3-5 times a year.

Would this be considered triangulation (read definition)? I ask only because he does stand firm of no divorce,no reconcileing,nor does he want to get married again either ? If it is triangulation (read definition) what are the roles in my case ? He doesn't make "moves on me"? Of course not sure how she is treated (better her than me honestly) I am sure she must have some vulnerability he won't divorce me at least .I haven't been painted Black yet...

[FindingMe2011]

I have a question on triangulation (read definition) if someone can answer . I too am sep. from my udx BPDH he left over 5 years back has a gf almost 3 years now. We have very low contact. As he puts it his business is his private business so I know very little of her. If I call to talk to him she will be very nice and take a message and say she'll have him call me back. When we talk its nothing personal so to speak.Hardly ever see one another maybe 3-5 times a year.

Would this be considered triangulation (read definition)? I ask only because he does stand firm of no divorce,no reconcileing,nor does he want to get married again either ? If it is triangulation (read definition) what are the roles in my case ? He doesn't make "moves on me"? Of course not sure how she is treated (better her than me honestly) I am sure she must have some vulnerability he won't divorce me at least .I haven't been painted Black yet...

[Zena321]

Finding Me you quoted me ? but added nothing ?

[borderdude]

I think triangulation in the BPD setting means, when your BPD SO is in a r/s, and need to ease the tension or fear, he/she need some other 3ed person to focus on , thereby increase the overall security of abandonment. The new rescuer is now ready a form of lifeboat.

[tired-of-it-all]

I find that some people try to triangulate even if they are not BPD.  It happens a lot with teenagers.  They tattle on each other and try to make me fix the issue.  I have learned the hard way to pull them all in the same room and make them face one another.  The story changes significantly when everyone has to face everyone else.  They not leave me out of most of their conflict which is what I want.

[goldylamont]

hi everyone, i wanted to bring up that the board moderators and seniors here like to try and keep to the correct definitions of things here. it has been brought up before that the word "triangulation" is used incorrectly. i believe the majority of participants here are using it incorrectly so i'm hoping to shed some light. please spread the word. this is my understanding, and once i understood things this way it was much clearer--don't feel bad it's tough to tell the difference... .here goes:

what most of you are talking about is not true 'triangulation', what you are actually referring to when your ex or SO uses another person/replacement to play you off of is actually a "love-triangle". although a love-triangle can sometimes also be 'triangulation' i'd say most of the time it isn't.

so then, what makes triangulation distinct from a love-triangle? the difference with true triangulation is that all 3 parties know each other and communicate with each other separate from the pwBPD. a classic example of true triangulation where all 3 parties know each other and talk to each other individually would be say a child that plays his/her parents off of each other. the child would say to mom "dad didn't want me to mention this but he thinks you nag him a lot" even though the father said nothing of the sort about his wife. then the child would go to the dad and say "i didn't want to mention this but mom says sometimes you make her feel depressed but she doesn't want to bring it up. don't tell her i was supposed to keep it a secret"--this is also a lie. so now you have two parents who talk to each other often thinking the other has these negative thoughts about each other, drama is created and the child is squarely in the middle orchestrating it all.

so, triangulation means that all 3 parties know each other well and the person orchestrating it is in the middle of the drama. a love-triangle on the other hand happens often with two disparate parties who may never meet--it's still playing mind games just in a different way.

hope this sheds some light (and also that i am correct!  )

[bruised]

so, triangulation means that all 3 parties know each other well and the person orchestrating it is in the middle of the drama. a love-triangle on the other hand happens often with two disparate parties who may never meet--it's still playing mind games just in a different way.

So what is it when the pwBPD has a partner and confides personal details about her partner to a third person (opp sex) who is well known to both of them? I don't believe it was done to cause drama, so does that make it triangulation? Or an emotional affair?   

[goldylamont]

so, triangulation means that all 3 parties know each other well and the person orchestrating it is in the middle of the drama. a love-triangle on the other hand happens often with two disparate parties who may never meet--it's still playing mind games just in a different way.

So what is it when the pwBPD has a partner and confides personal details about her partner to a third person (opp sex) who is well known to both of them? I don't believe it was done to cause drama, so does that make it triangulation? Or an emotional affair?   

I would think this situation likely has elements of all three depending on the situation. Triangulation because everyone knows each other with one person deceiving two others. Love triangle if it's more than platonic on both ends. And I don't think you can escape the drama

in my situation I didn't know my ex's other bfs so I think it was just love triangle. She still skiewed and devalued us but since I never spoke to him or had conflict directly with him about it it wouldn't be a classic 'triangle'. I dunno maybe it would be easier to redefine the terms

[bruised]

Thanks for the reply!