When a BPD leaves...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In my case what happened was i got devalued at some stage.  Truth is I don't know why it happened but I can pinpoint the rough time. Anyway she stopped wanting to see me for a while and I was patient for a while but her flakiness had risen to new levels and even the text and phonecalls we were having had gotten cold. I also knew Baggins was hovering around at this time.

Anyway I didn't know she was BPD and thought well I'm not going to keep putting this effort in, if she's acting like this I'll cool on her and she might decide to actually start putting in some effort again.

Pretty much I cooled down and she pretty much stalked me for like 2 weeks but would not have a serious conversation with me about "us" it went from "I love you" to "I still want you in my life"

After a few days of this she got pissed after I had been distant on the phone and decided to reveal she was now with my replacement.

She tried putting me in backup for a while,  I misinterpreted this as I'd ___ed up and she still wanted me so I tried using game on her which doesn't work on BPD and I got painted black.

She reestablished contact after only 2 weeks and we have regular contact now. But no talk of "us"

I'm trying to get myself to the point where I can just leave I think. I want to move town and jobs and just ghost on her because I can't handle it anymore and I am too weak to NC at the moment especially seeing how she knows where I live and work I don't want her coming in and going nuts like she used to.

I just want to leave quietly and be done with this ___ty chapter of my life.

[Infern0]

In my case what happened was i got devalued at some stage.  Truth is I don't know why it happened but I can pinpoint the rough time. Anyway she stopped wanting to see me for a while and I was patient for a while but her flakiness had risen to new levels and even the text and phonecalls we were having had gotten cold. I also knew Baggins was hovering around at this time.

Anyway I didn't know she was BPD and thought well I'm not going to keep putting this effort in, if she's acting like this I'll cool on her and she might decide to actually start putting in some effort again.

Pretty much I cooled down and she pretty much stalked me for like 2 weeks but would not have a serious conversation with me about "us" it went from "I love you" to "I still want you in my life"

After a few days of this she got pissed after I had been distant on the phone and decided to reveal she was now with my replacement.

She tried putting me in backup for a while,  I misinterpreted this as I'd ___ed up and she still wanted me so I tried using game on her which doesn't work on BPD and I got painted black.

She reestablished contact after only 2 weeks and we have regular contact now. But no talk of "us"

I'm trying to get myself to the point where I can just leave I think. I want to move town and jobs and just ghost on her because I can't handle it anymore and I am too weak to NC at the moment especially seeing how she knows where I live and work I don't want her coming in and going nuts like she used to.

I just want to leave quietly and be done with this ___ty chapter of my life.

[myself]

I don't know why it happened but I can pinpoint the rough time.

Same as when and why it happened for so many of us here.

It's because they got too close. Because they're always running. The pull is there, but the push is too, even stronger. The whole time was rough because what could have been just couldn't be. When you latch on for the wrong reasons, you might also leave or be left for them. I hope we all find freedom.

[hurting300]

In my case what happened was i got devalued at some stage.  Truth is I don't know why it happened but I can pinpoint the rough time. Anyway she stopped wanting to see me for a while and I was patient for a while but her flakiness had risen to new levels and even the text and phonecalls we were having had gotten cold. I also knew Baggins was hovering around at this time.

Anyway I didn't know she was BPD and thought well I'm not going to keep putting this effort in, if she's acting like this I'll cool on her and she might decide to actually start putting in some effort again.

Pretty much I cooled down and she pretty much stalked me for like 2 weeks but would not have a serious conversation with me about "us" it went from "I love you" to "I still want you in my life"

After a few days of this she got pissed after I had been distant on the phone and decided to reveal she was now with my replacement.

She tried putting me in backup for a while,  I misinterpreted this as I'd ___ed up and she still wanted me so I tried using game on her which doesn't work on BPD and I got painted black.

She reestablished contact after only 2 weeks and we have regular contact now. But no talk of "us"

I'm trying to get myself to the point where I can just leave I think. I want to move town and jobs and just ghost on her because I can't handle it anymore and I am too weak to NC at the moment especially seeing how she knows where I live and work I don't want her coming in and going nuts like she used to.

I just want to leave quietly and be done with this ___ty chapter of my life.

I wouldn't go ghost... at least tell her. Mine did that to me it's killed me...

[Infern0]

I don't know why it happened but I can pinpoint the rough time.

Same as when and why it happened for so many of us here.

It's because they got too close. Because they're always running. The pull is there, but the push is too, even stronger. The whole time was rough because what could have been just couldn't be. When you latch on for the wrong reasons, you might also leave or be left for them. I hope we all find freedom.

Yeah I think that's the thing. She told me after that she had started to have really strong feelings for me.  But this seemed to be just before I got devalued.

I'm a persistent son of a gun and she at times showed remarkable self awareness. 

One of the cryptic things I got was " I could see myself being truly happy with you and that scares me"

Yeah... .how do you swallow that

[Lostone1314]

Here is an old post - one of my favorites. Not off topic I think.

They start by showering us with attention and promises of the ultimate relationship (like we've never experienced before). We think we just won the lottery. If you're like me, you probably give up far too much of yourself and your world revolves around (him). They slowly create more & more drama, at the same time degrade and abuse you slowly squashing your self-esteem. Slowly they are choking the life, identity and personality from you. You never really prepare yourself for the sudden break up because YOU are too busy fighting for the relationship. WHAM! Ya never saw it coming did you? Then the break up itself is not normal - they cut you out of their life completely - no closure, no more communication... .so then there you are: no self-esteem, no friends or social life, no babe.

-NH

Good heavens what a completely comprehensive, identical description.  Feels like the author was looking in my windows. 

And apparently it's textbook. 

My windows too    Lies,sexting,cheating,gaslighting,verbal insults and then wham cutoff and in new relationship within the week ?&$@!

[Lostone1314]

They know exactly what they are doing and no one will persuade me differently.

Yes they know exactly what they are doing. They don't care if they hurt you. When my exBPD fiancée brutally left me I couldn't see any tiny sign of empathy or remorse. pwBPD are mentally ill but also the most emotionally dangerous people you can find. Because the illness is hidden, they mirror you and they treat you like trash at the end and even after the end. But they know what they are doing. They just don't care about you any more when they have painted you black.

Here is another favorite post:

     Its our compassion, empathy and love that makes us a target for someone with BPD.  Sad to say it but our humanity is our Achilles Heel.  It sux, but it was too good to be true.  The intensity, the sex, the fake intimacy left me wanting more everyday.  My male ego has never felt anything in life like the idealization my gf gave me.  It was a drug beyond compare, and I miss it, but the pain from the cold turkey has made the thought of seeing her again revolting.  I hope she is so happy that she will never come around me again.  I hope "mr perfect" is truly perfect, and will not end up eviscerated like me, but I know better.  He will fall behind me on the list of victims. 

     We give them 110% and out of the blue its done.  No answers.  Nothing.  Just gone.  Getting a call that they are dead would probably have been easier.  So we obsess over the fact that they are doing all the things we the new mr perfect that they did with us, saying the same things, kissing the same way. 

     They are so out of touch with reality we cant even explain their behavior without comparing it to an infant.  Once again I will pray to God how lucky I am that we never got married or had any children.  I missed a bullet.

God how accurate this is exactly what happened to me after 4years living together... new guy in a week... I'm still busted after 15months out   I've never been so busted and broken in all my life nor have I ever had to seek therapy for anything... I've tried to fix myself up without therapy but it hasn't worked so next week I start therapy... I feel shame for putting up with the bs for so long,guilt for not trying hard enough to entertain her,humiliation cause new guy is someone I knew and is older,unhealthier and wealthier than me... my self esteem is shot and I can't stop obsessing if she will do the same to him or was it me that made her abuse me... .my biggest regret is ignoring red flags and getting involved knowing my instincts were telling me there is something wrong with her... sadly she is 45 so you would have thought a women of that age would be mature enough to just breakup without all the bs... she behaved like a child... I hate her and love her all at once... so who's the crazy one now ?

[soar]

My experience of my BPD ex leaving for complete cut off. It was f*cking awful.

She treated me like ___ then broke up with me and then started to ignore me. I missed her and wanted to know what the f*ck was going on so I went over to her house. Her flatmate threatened to ring the police. Next she said we can't have any contact because you came to my house and I felt harassed. For a while I emailed her begging for her not to do this, she eventually went to the police and I haven't heard or seen her since.

The betrayal is excruciatingly painful. You have to take all the responsibility on your shoulders because they deflect all blame.

That was nearly 3 years ago.

[Infared]

Mine abruptly ran out of our home to be with my replacement, completely lying that there was any relationship. The few times that I "tried" to have an honest connected conversation with her about the situation she would do 3 things:

1. Outright lie about many/all of her actions

2. Knowingly lie by avoidance or omission (i.e. Leave out major events or pertinent actions on her part that greatly impacted the complete truth of a situation).

3. Simply just change known facts and history to fit her retelling of events to benefit her.

It can be dumbfounding to have one of these conversations with an exBPD.  If you have someone sitting there changing facts and history with a straight face... .someone that you lived with and loved for years it is just a little bit more than unsettling and painful. Nothing of any value can come from these bizarre conversations. It's upsetting to say the least. It's like all of a sudden I met someone else... .this immature, magical-thinking, liar that I have no connection with whatsoever.

I just decided to go absolute NC after a few of these conversations, which I am guessIng was the desired outcome that she was seeking by behaving in that manner. I truly believe she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.  ... .yeah... .yeah... .dumb, like a fox.

The cool thing is... .I know I am helping her out. She can tell everyone that I hate her and she can play victim and illicit everyone's sympathy... .even though she completely mistreated me and our relationship. Great stuff!  

I have no choice but to just completely stay away from "it". 

[Dutched]

Great rediscovery that old post from NHBeachBum , Iceman! THANKS!

It really sums it up

Exw a High Functioning and the more High Functioning (IMO) the more they are ‘people cutters’.

A People cutter. First time already with her parents at age 18. Contact after a 9 yrs. re established only because of a family member, otherwise I think it would have been 4ever.

Second time, in a blink of a eye a 30+ yrs was over. Although initially contact because of my son, ex went into NC, cut off.

But… it seems to made her feel so intense good to mail me that a soother was found, a grandpa.

Despite knowing about BPD several yrs. before the end of that r/s, applying techniques as learned, etc., I kept in mind one saying from a Psychiatrist guiding our local group

‘what they once did, they will do it again! Be aware of that!’

   Or their past behaviour predicts their future behaviour.

From Understanding the Borderline mother by Christine Ann Lawson

'the husband of the wife with Borderline disorder can be very principled. She is attracted to his strength of character because it offers her stability and security and predictability in otherwise emotionally chaotic world. His self worth is invested in living up to his principles and he represses and disavows his own happiness. He is a good example of the joke supposedly told by Socrates that if a man marry well, he will be happy. If not, he will become a philosopher.'

No shortcoming for the ladies, replace he with she.  

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.

By leaving you first... .pwBPD are controlling the demolition.

Control trumps their fear.

Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

[Dutched]

Sorry, the quote of the book was meant for another topic