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Author Topic: Is it wrong to want to see BPD-ex hurt or want to seek revenge?  (Read 1410 times)
mattyr

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« on: June 27, 2011, 09:58:02 PM »

I feel... .a lot of us here are pretty reasonable and sane people... .at least we were until we met the BPD in our lives'.

Is it normal for me to want to see my ex's new relationship fail and fail miserably? Or is it wrong to want my ex to come back just so I can finally tell her NO... .regardless of how much it hurts her?

I think a lot of our egos are hurt. Personally... .I am educated... .have a college degree, have a law degree, have a very successful business. My UBPD ex has none of that... .she has no ambition, works dead end jobs (that is... .when she actually can keep a job for a couple months), etc. I never would have thought I would have allowed someone like that to manipulate me and run the circles around me she has... .and I never would have thought I would have let her when I get plenty of better girls out there. I do love her... .but I feel bitter.

She has been rotating between me and this loser for 8 months she met at a bar and started dating after 2 days. He is 29, no job, no license... .lived with parents before he started staying by her all the time... .cokehead... .just a loser who won't ever get it together. He has physically abused her... .she had him arrested... .they've had 2 abortions (which she had because she said she wanted to stay with me)... .and part of me kind of laughs at the fact that... .that's a situation she is going into. Don't seem too ideal to me. Not your fairytale "I met this guy and everything was great from day 1." It's just another dysfunctional relationship... .maybe even more so than her and I's relationship.

Whereas... .I can meet a normal nice girl... .and basically not have any of that baggage she has with him. She's gone back to me several times over last 8 months... .had those abortions for me (I didn't ask her to... .she chose to do it both times... .I never gave her my opinion on what she should do... .not my place).

Some of this just makes me smile because I know my situation will be better in the end than her's.

Is this normal to feel this way or am I being vindictive? Part of me wants her to come back so I can tell her to F off (that being said... .I've said this before and she's come back and I did anything but tell her to F off)
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harlemgurl
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2011, 10:41:33 PM »

What you're feeling is anger. And you're entitled to it.  

Mattyr. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process and it will stay with you for a while. Allow your feelings to rise to the surface and more importantly allow yourself to FEEL and OWN your bad feelings. Honoring your bad feelings allows you to heal properly. It's normal to want revenge and even more normal to want to see our BPD ex's suffer. Their sense of entitlement and their lack of empathy is enough to turn the sweetest person into the Incredible Hulk!

If it makes you feel any better I have my Master's Degree; my BPDex... .not even his GED. I fell for his "victim of circumstance" manipulation and his conniving intelligence hook line and sinker. The experience with my ex felt like a teenage dream: mindblowing sex, silly movies and sillier laughs. Meeting him was like coming home. It felt good to rescue someone who wanted to be rescued. After all the years of chasing success I was repressed; meeting my BPDexbf unleashed me.

It's quite difficult comprehending the hurtful and diabolical actions of those who suffer from this disorder. Often times it feels as if they are getting away with murder! Their Academy Award level of lies, their cheating, the lies, the lies, the lies... .yes... .it makes you want to take justice into your own hands.

But this is where truly understanding BPD works its magic.  Idea

People with BPD on the outside look like adults but they're emotionally stunted. They're hollow, superficial, emotionally shallow, and pretty much have no sense of themselves. Do you really believe that your ex will make someone else happier? Let me answer that for you. She won't. No matter who she's screwing she's still the same person who has no emotional room for no one else but herself.

As for revenge. I believe in Karma and if you do you won't have to lift a finger or wish a thought on your ex. The hurt and anguish they spread is most certainly a boomerang. Once you come to understand the complexities of this emotional disorder you will come to see that they are their own walking Karma. Our BPD ex's are actors who feign happiness. They live with intense abandonment shame, guilt, and repressed anger. And they're incapable of mature reciprocal love. Let her other buddy have her. Until she gets help her happiness will forever elude her. She will chase it until she hits her own personal rock bottom. Until then she'll continue to run head on into brick walls.

Mattyr. You have to believe that you deserve better. Just ask yourself. How much money would you it take for you to be in your ex's shoes? I ask you this cause this is Karmic Justice in of itself. You couldn't pay me Oprah's money to be in my ex's shoes. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Focus on Y.O.U. Honor your feelings and work THROUGH THEM. You will get better and remember... .you're not alone.  



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GP44
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2011, 10:50:04 PM »

At this point, I just wish she had the empathy to know how much she hurt me. If I could fashion any "punishment" for her, it's to know what I felt - how much I loved her, how much I cared for her, how much I was looking forward to our future, and how much I hurt over her blindsiding me.
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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2011, 12:46:48 AM »

Wrong?  Somehow it is serving you now.

When will it end?  When you are ready to let it go.

Will you be much happier when it passes?  Almost certainly.

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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2011, 12:50:30 AM »

 Living well with a much better woman is the right revenge. Take your time preparing yourself and looking for her.  Show your ex what she lost. She knows what she is doing to you, but it is this disease It was done to her many moons ago without closure. Show her with your actions that your love for a better woman is better than her crap.
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« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2011, 01:16:04 AM »

Dude, reread your post.  I hear you about her wanting to come back for your ego... .but seriously, it sounds like youve ALREADY had your revenge.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #6 on: June 28, 2011, 01:58:08 AM »

Forgiveness and moving on is the best and sometimes only revenge you will ever have... .to actively seek out hurt or revenge will serve no good, they are damaged enough, leave them to their own devices... .
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« Reply #7 on: June 28, 2011, 02:12:01 AM »

In fact, to seek out hurt and revenge on any one (let alone someone who is mentally Ill) will only serve to bring you down. Is that really what you want?

Focus on why you can't tell her to F@#$ Off when she comes back, thats the real issue here, focusing your bitterness, hurt, revenge etc. only keeps you focused on what she did to you, not what you can do to help yourself.

What was it that attracted to her in the first place?

It's not our place to decide for someone else whats best for them, even if their behavior makes no sense to us. She is probably more comfortable around him, to me on the surface he sounds more like her than you do. People repeat whats fimilar, even when they know it's bad for them.

Good Luck.
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« Reply #8 on: June 28, 2011, 10:16:27 AM »

Excerpt
Is it normal for me to want to see my ex's new relationship fail and fail miserably? Or is it wrong to want my ex to come back just so I can finally tell her NO... .regardless of how much it hurts her?

Normal, but pointless.  They can only perceive they have been hurt.  She will never get that she hurt you.  New dude finally gets fed up, or she wants to punish him, it is back to you.  Wants to punish you, she goes back to new b/f.  Win/win for her. 

Excerpt
Whereas... .I can meet a normal nice girl... .and basically not have any of that baggage she has with him. She's gone back to me several times over last 8 months... .had those abortions for me (I didn't ask her to... .she chose to do it both times... .I never gave her my opinion on what she should do... .not my place).

They are very accomplished liars.  Do you have proof she had abortions?  Or is this something she is making up to come back to you when she feels like it?  One abortion maybe, but TWO?  You feel sorry for her, and overlook a lot because of "what she did for you." She is pushing your guilt button. . .I have to take her back for what she supposedly did for our r/s.

When you can stand back and take a very detached view of all the crap she told you, start making a list.  How much stuff did you simply take her word for? 

When the FOG has lifted, it is startling how much you have given up to be with someone who would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat.




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seeking balance
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« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2011, 10:22:54 AM »

She has been rotating between me and this loser for 8 months she met at a bar and started dating after 2 days.

Mattyr - anger is normal; getting stuck in it is destructive.

I pulled this part of your post for a reason - are you mad at her or are you mad at yourself?
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mattyr

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« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2011, 01:24:11 PM »

Excerpt
They are very accomplished liars.  :)o you have proof she had abortions?  Or is this something she is making up to come back to you when she feels like it?  One abortion maybe, but TWO?  You feel sorry for her, and overlook a lot because of "what she did for you." She is pushing your guilt button. . .I have to take her back for what she supposedly did for our r/s.

Yeah... .I have proof. As much as I am ashamed to admit it, I went with her both times. I went to support her because no one else would go with her. I went because she told me she wanted to be with me and would do anything in the world for me if I took her back (meaning, counseling, etc... .even though I didn't know anything about BPD at time but I knew she had issues). Yeah... .two of them she had... .in 4 months.

The sad part is... .she hasn't done anything for me in our relationship. The abortions aren't at all why I stayed with her. Honestly... .the whole last 8 months seems like a dream... .we've always fought. However, she really went over the line the last 8 months like I never thought she could. I guess I'm just confused as to why she even had the abortions then. I can't believe she was even pregnant... .this was after a scare she had when she first met the guy where she ended up not being pregnant and gave me the whole "I don't want to lose you thing." I don't understand how she ended up making the mistake 2 more times. It wasn't a mistake, I guess... .I think that's obvious.

All she has ever really done is use me, take advantage of me... .nothing positive. I guess I was intoxicated by the idealizations. Trust me, I know I have some self-esteem issues to work through, too. It's a major reason I stayed around this mess... .even before the last 8 months happened.
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« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2011, 03:06:58 PM »

Excerpt
All she has ever really done is use me, take advantage of me... .nothing positive. I guess I was intoxicated by the idealizations. Trust me, I know I have some self-esteem issues to work through, too. It's a major reason I stayed around this mess... .even before the last 8 months happened.

Don't beat yourself up about it.  When my son told me some of the things that went on I was appalled that he didn't break up.  Once I found out about BPD, I started understanding.  With a child involved (they had infant daughter) it really makes it more difficult. 

He did get to the point where he could look at it in a detached analytic matter, but it took awhile.  One of the final straws for him, was after losing all of his friends, she started trying to isolate him from family. 

Once totally out of her influence, he is regaining himself, colors are brighter, he walks with his shoulders back and he feels he can actually breathe again.  He also looks forward to therapy to find out what made him vulnerable to a BPD and to work on his issues so it doesn't happen again.

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« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2011, 03:10:52 PM »

The sad part is... .she hasn't done anything for me in our relationship... .

All she has ever really done is use me, take advantage of me... .nothing positive. I guess I was intoxicated by the idealizations. Trust me, I know I have some self-esteem issues to work through, too. It's a major reason I stayed around this mess... .even before the last 8 months happened.

Self esteem issues you can work through. First you have to remove the distractions in your life. It is time to let go so you can focus on number 1 (That's you btw). The drama can be addicting. Put down your addiction so you can heal and seek growth. Your story is a nightmare. Find the strength to wake yourself up.  Idea

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« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2011, 03:32:12 PM »

At this point, I just wish she had the empathy to know how much she hurt me. If I could fashion any "punishment" for her, it's to know what I felt - how much I loved her, how much I cared for her, how much I was looking forward to our future, and how much I hurt over her blindsiding me.

Exactly my feelings.

Today, I got confirmation that my uBPDxw, who tried to get the court to grant her permanent alimony when she has two graduate degrees and an earnings history of 6 figures every year of our marriage (except the year we separated, when she was out of work), is gainfully employed and making the highest salary she has ever earned. Granted, she had to move 2.5 hours away from her family's home here, to a city she used to loathe, but she's working and getting back out there in the world.

I was partly glad to hear it - her claims of destitution are not credible, she is getting back on her feet, she can't pretend that her life is ruined, and I still love her enough to want to see her thrive instead of self-destruct. But deep inside, I have a gaping hole where that part of my soul used to be that guided me though life with a trusting and innocent heart, and it is hard for me to think that she is just moving on, going about her business and thumbing her nose at me and the legal system, with no empathy whatsoever for the person standing here who loved - and loves - her unconditionally. The person who looked for jobs for her on the internet during our maelstrom of a divorce, who begged her to get DBT and work on her anger management so she would not nail the door on the coffin of this marriage with this unbridled BPD rage.

She did a so-so job of feigning sadness to the court and to therapists and to everyone who would listen when she wanted sympathy and the court's favor... .and when it was clear to EVERYONE except her tiny cadre of enablers and users that I was the dignified, vindicated, good guy, and when the court brought the hammer down on her, she disappeared and moved on without a thought for the destruction she left in her wake.

I wish I could walk one day in her shoes just to know what she thinks and feels and how she rationalizes her behavior to herself. It would be illuminating and would probably increase my empathy even more.

Then I would get the F out of her shoes, put on mine and run, Forrest, run as far and as fast as possible back to normalcy.

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« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2011, 03:44:17 PM »

To answer the question in the topic... .NOPE... not at all, it's quite normal.  BUT, when it becomes intrusive and prolonged it's a problem.  If you don't fade out on keeping up on her and coke-head then it's a problem.  If it's your primary focus and you think when it happens you'll feel better you're wrong and it's a problem.  And if you don't strive to understand why someone with your accomplishments has wrestled with this relationship then you might be doomed to repeat it again.  The 'great gal' we all wish to move on with depends on our healing and learning through these crazy relationships... .I promise they do.  People who get sucked into BPD relationships often have similiar traits and behaviors themselves that they need to deal with.  

I was in the same boat my friend and I was floating in it for a loong time.  Just waiting for the day when the goofball my wife left me for was going to get his just reward... .and I mean the apparent to everyone dog and pony show.  Then I realized I made it 15 years of the worst hell internally before the marriage fractured and failed.  But in the 15 years I hated almost every moment yet OUTWARDLY I faked it and kept up appearances.  THEN I realized what I lost in the mix and from my marriage... .FREEDOM.  THEN I started to reflect and work on myself to recover from the crazy.  That's where the real healing came... .not the from the HOPE of satisfaction but from the real and honest dealings with my own shortcomings.

And honestly... .once I stopped caring about the up-and-comings I hoped they would have... .they started happening.

Goofball and xwBPD are stalking each other, punching each other, cutting each other's tires, harrassing each other, and still living together.  Hell on earth for both of them... .and me with a bright future to move on; healed and peaceful again... .and that my friend is the revenge that isn't revenge but really is revenge (?).  

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deedee116
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« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2011, 05:06:18 PM »

What you're feeling is anger. And you're entitled to it.  

Mattyr. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process and it will stay with you for a while. Allow your feelings to rise to the surface and more importantly allow yourself to FEEL and OWN your bad feelings. Honoring your bad feelings allows you to heal properly. It's normal to want revenge and even more normal to want to see our BPD ex's suffer. Their sense of entitlement and their lack of empathy is enough to turn the sweetest person into the Incredible Hulk!

If it makes you feel any better I have my Master's Degree; my BPDex... .not even his GED. I fell for his "victim of circumstance" manipulation and his conniving intelligence hook line and sinker. The experience with my ex felt like a teenage dream: mindblowing sex, silly movies and sillier laughs. Meeting him was like coming home. It felt good to rescue someone who wanted to be rescued. After all the years of chasing success I was repressed; meeting my BPDexbf unleashed me.

It's quite difficult comprehending the hurtful and diabolical actions of those who suffer from this disorder. Often times it feels as if they are getting away with murder! Their Academy Award level of lies, their cheating, the lies, the lies, the lies... .yes... .it makes you want to take justice into your own hands.

But this is where truly understanding BPD works its magic.  Idea

People with BPD on the outside look like adults but they're emotionally stunted. They're hollow, superficial, emotionally shallow, and pretty much have no sense of themselves. Do you really believe that your ex will make someone else happier? Let me answer that for you. She won't. No matter who she's screwing she's still the same person who has no emotional room for no one else but herself.

As for revenge. I believe in Karma and if you do you won't have to lift a finger or wish a thought on your ex. The hurt and anguish they spread is most certainly a boomerang. Once you come to understand the complexities of this emotional disorder you will come to see that they are their own walking Karma. Our BPD ex's are actors who feign happiness. They live with intense abandonment shame, guilt, and repressed anger. And they're incapable of mature reciprocal love. Let her other buddy have her. Until she gets help her happiness will forever elude her. She will chase it until she hits her own personal rock bottom. Until then she'll continue to run head on into brick walls.

Mattyr. You have to believe that you deserve better. Just ask yourself. How much money would you it take for you to be in your ex's shoes? I ask you this cause this is Karmic Justice in of itself. You couldn't pay me Oprah's money to be in my ex's shoes. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Focus on Y.O.U. Honor your feelings and work THROUGH THEM. You will get better and remember... .you're not alone.  


Harlem Gurl, thank you so much for this! I just ended a 7-month relationship with my BPD ex-boyfriend and I'm having a lot of mixed emotions right now.  Anger, however is right at the top of the list and the emotion that I feel most of the time.  I would love nothing more than to see my ex suffer and to experience the same pain, anxiety and confusion he made me feel when I was with him (especially in the latter months of our relationship).  The thought of him going on about his business and moving on to his next victim with no qualms about what he did to me is beyond infuriating.  But you hit the nail right on the head - he is his own walking Karma.  He will never be anything more than he is right now: a college drop-out who is emotionally abusive and has never carried through with anything in his miserable life.  No matter who this new girl will be, she will eventually experience the same pain that I did, and he will eventually make her miserable as he does with everyone he is close with. 

And you're right, you couldn't pay me to walk in his shoes.  As much as I hate him, it doesn't come close to how much he hates himself. 
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Worndowndad
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« Reply #16 on: July 28, 2011, 07:23:57 PM »

I think to a borderline the worst punishment you can do is to move on and show them that nothing they do or say matters. My exBPD went through the roof when she found out I was dating.  They really have no remorse or empathy or they wouldn't do the things they do to people who love them.
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« Reply #17 on: July 28, 2011, 08:18:21 PM »

mattyr, I think the anger you feel will be, in the long run, to your benefit. You seem to understand that she is someone who doesn't deserve you in her life. But don't let the anger consume you. Let it out. Let it all out! And then, when you have emptied that "anger" tank, take a deep breathe and realize how lucky you are not to have her in your life anymore.

I think we all go through the "anger" stage, and then we realize that, nothing we could do, would ever help them with the pain they live with 24/7. For me, I'm approaching the 1 year mark of being without the "Monster". I can't believe how much better my life has become. Don't get wrong, I still struggle to survive on my own.

But I am so glad to be free from that "life". I've learned so much about myself. It's a trip! But stay positive. Believe in yourself. And I wish you all the best.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2011, 12:03:16 AM »

Ya I have been there, I still visit revengeville and anger city every few days. I had to not only deal with the break up, I had to deal with my ex hooking up with the neighbor who feigned my friendship and then pounced right in as soon as we split. Then I had to put up with my ex lying about the affair, then calling the cops and tried to have me arrested, then a nasty smear campaign, then vindictive returning of gifts that I had given her after she had moved out, then finding out she was engaged to her new"soul mate" 6 weeks after we split. Needless to say, if I did not fear prison, somebody would have died a long time ago. Seriously though, I secretly hope her new relationship dies a slow and nasty death. I am not going to lie. But on my clearer, less sad and pathetic days, I realize that chances are that relationship is going to fail anyways because of who she is and how she chooses to conduct herself in relationships. I just hope that when it does implode, I want to hear about it and maybe do a little dance of joy. Sorry. I can't help it. 
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« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2012, 05:21:01 PM »

Does having a baby make them Happy or does that make them worse being as they are underdevoloped emotionally?. My ex seemed to get extreme pleasure out of telling me shes due a baby any day and yes like yourself, i understand the feelings of wanting revenge... I never reacted, just wished her well
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« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2012, 05:51:50 AM »

The sad part is... .she hasn't done anything for me in our relationship. The abortions aren't at all why I stayed with her.


Look at what you wrote. That she needed and got the abortions are why u should run like hell. I have done some pretty sad stuff myself but c'mon man this way beyond my tolerance level. She had the abortions for u and u didn't tell her to do it. I were gonna stay with her carrying some other guys child. U need to wake the f#*^ up. If u said this anyplace else u couldn't get halfway thru story before people would have asked u if u are serious. We here do understand. But u need to run like hell and am a lil surprised anyone here even said anything other than that. C'mon man!
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« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2016, 09:20:26 AM »

I've actually gone ahead and done something to cause my BPD extreme pain and distress. I'm sorry to say that I feel no regret or guilt for having done this.
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« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2016, 09:49:56 AM »

While I don't wish anything bad to arbitrarily happen to my ex, I do wish he felt the consequences of his actions.  A fair amount of bad things *have* happened to him, including losing our entire group of friends and ending up single for going on a year now.  I have compared him before to the Black Knight from Monty Python; he says, "It's just a flesh wound!" and goes looking for his next supply.  He accepts no responsibility, is perpetually a victim, and moves through life with the attitude that the world should just deliver him what he wants.  I wish something he did would come back and smack him hard enough to make him realize that he is indeed the problem.  I did get a rather delicious moment the other day when one of our friends posted online, where he could see it, that we are all going to see his favorite movie without him.  But things like that are as close as I get to revenge.  As I said in another post, I prefer karma 
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« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2016, 05:17:36 PM »

Hi Mattyr. Success will be your revenge. We all go through the resentment and anger of what the BPD did to us. Any type of words or action against your ex will only feed them, inflate them. Getting your life back, living happy and productive is the best revenge. Negative thoughts and resentments will hold you back. The BPD lives for your inner turmoil,  they stole enough. Say a prayer for them, it's not easy believe me, but it works. Forgive them and you will grow spiritually and mentally, the forgiving is to help you let go, it's not to let them off the hook, the BPD doesn't have to know you forgave them, you don't have to walk up and say I forgive you, it's a private thing you do to free yourself. The BPD wouldn't understand anyway. I told my ex wife one time " we don't have to like everyone but have to love everyone" and it went right over her head. They don't get it, unconditional love or humanity is beyond there grasp.
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