How long did your honeymoon phase last?

[poprocks]

2 weeks?  2 months?  What was the changeover like once devaluation began?

[Mystic]

3 months.  First blow out was a rage at me during my finals week at nursing school.  (supportive, eh?) 

He was angry because I wasn't as attentive as usual.  We were LD at the time, so perhaps my calls/texts weren't frequent enough. 

Raged at me pretty good.  Called me selfish, uncaring, everything was all about me, etc.

I was completely stunned and in tears. 

He apologized the same evening. 

I was shaken, but kept on and graduated first in my class. 

That was the beginning of the devaluation process.  I had no idea what I was in for from there on in.  I never saw the wonderful love we shared (I thought) again after that. 

[poprocks]

Dang that sounds miserable.  No respect for your time studying during finals.  Have you left him yet?

[rstolk]

2 weeks?  2 months?  What was the changeover like once devaluation began?

Mine lasted about a year. I used to get followed around the house like I had a puppy dog. Sex, Sex, Sex, until I would say lets take a rest, then I would get the cold shoulder. My BPDw would give me baths until I said I'd rather take a shower, then I got the cold shoulder. I would get pedicures, my medications all organized, and much more. It wasn't until my debt from credit cards topped out to $1400.00 minimum monthly payment that the honeymoon was over. I couldn't sit down and have an adult talk about the finances because she thought eveything was OK. My BPDw said that if she helped pay the credit cards down too fast I would leave her (not true). She also wanted to spend more, but I put my foot down! She started to get back into her compulsive gambling because it relieved her stress she said. I wanted to do things with the family, but she didn't. She told me one time: could you imagine if I stopped gambling and impulsive spending how much money she would have, and I said: yea, then we could start doing things as a family! She replied: well, you can save for that. She also said that she works hard for her money and she can do whatever she wanted to do with it. I finally told her to leave. She cried and said she didn't want a divorce, so I spent 8 months of i love you/I hate you; come over/go home until I finally ended it for good. What a roller coaster ride. For 8 months I was still spending money on her even though she made considerably more money than me. The honeymoon was over as soon as I disagreed with her destructive lifestyle. I wanted a family not a full time babysitting job for her daughter. Now, her daughter shows signs of BPD. Life's a bit**, then you marry a BPD! lololololo

Bob

[Worndowndad]

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

[Mystic]

Dang that sounds miserable.  No respect for your time studying during finals.  Have you left him yet?

He left.  Moved out in a rage less than 2 months after we moved in together.  Gone 10 months and apparently is already married.  

[Mystic]

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 

[findingmyselfagain]

Until about 2 months before our wedding... .7 months honeymoon. Looking back that's when she started acting "extra pouty". When we were out for lunch I made a comment that we needed to cut back on expensive dates before the wedding. (Maybe not the best thing to say around a woman while you're on the date, but still... .I wasn't saying we were doing anything wrong). She kind of closed her eyes and clenched her teeth and said "But every time we hang out it's like a fun date." I believe the increasing intimacy was starting to trigger her.

It was the week of our wedding shower (about two weeks after the lunch) when she "hung out with a friend" so that's when the honeymoon officially ended. She seemed unusually pouty when he hung out a few nights before that. We seemed to resolve things the following weekend, but then she started having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. Then she started "yelling" at me by texts. That she was getting pissed off that everybody was saying how nice I was and how happy we looked as a couple. What? Is she supposed to want them to say they we were ___ty as a couple? The BPD was feeling attacked no matter what was said. The double-bind. I didn't realize she was likely BPD until a few months later, so I was just in shock at the sudden change and didn't know what to say. After a time things calmed down but after her first counseling session she broke up with me. I suspect there was triangulation (read definition) with her family, too. They needed her to stay home to help them pay their bills b/c her dad is/was unemployed. I'm glad I'm not in the drama any more. It seemed to be a good thing for the longest, but I suspect she was hiding a lot of her problems.

[Twilly]

Same for me.  The 2 1/2 years of dating were great but as soon as we got married it all changed.  The next 8 months she totally ignored me then moved out.  We tried to reconcile 2 other times but it wasn't long before "she was unhappy" and dumped me. Always my fault of course.

My son said she only reconciled because she was in a tough bind both times but as soon as she had an exit plan she was gone again.  We never got back to the idealization phase that made me want to marry her in the first place.  Now I've filed the divorce papers because I realize just how significant the impact on my emotional and physical health has been.

[harlemgurl]

We were together a total of ten months. But the red flags were there all throughout the relationship. I'd run out of fingers and toes to count on the amount of times we'd argue and he'd leave my apartment in a huff. The back and forth of it all was all new to me and quite fascinating because the love/hate felt like passion I've never experienced.

I could tell that he was quite comfortable with "storming out."  |>

Around the 8 month mark we became bonded and incredibly close with tons of I love you's and I need you's. Feeling needed and wanted felt really good on my part but the "nail in the coffin" oddly enough wasn't the physical fight we had; for me was his complete lack of reciprocity. His eyes were open but he couldn't see how much he took and how little he gave. The absurdity of it all made me FEEL crazy. His entitlement showed no bounds and when he did give he acted liked he moved a MOUNTAIN for me.

When I started to put him on blast that's when BPD reared its ugly head. The jig was up and his mirror dropped and cracked. I ended the relationship when he began to resort to rage and physical abuse.

HG.

[iceman10]

17 months

[kleen66]

Until I got sober.  When we met I was a practicing alcoholic.  He eventually figured this out.  We lived together for about 2 years, he proposed, we married a year after that.  About 1 year into the marraige I finally got and stayed sober.  I was "available" and ready to have a real marriage and intimate relationship.  That was when he began to pull away.  We stayed married 18+ years, and it never got better... .only worse.

BTW I stayed sober, so, if anything I guess I can say I am grateful for that.  I am alive today, ironically, because I married this man.  Now, it is time to start LIVING!

[Mand]

1 Year and 8 months.

I can truly say 'most' of it was good. OK no - fantastic and magical. I guess the longer the honeymoon phase the more one yearns for it to come back as soon as they 'turn'.

As HarlemGurl said - red flags were up all over the place though. But I was so in love and infatuated by this 'charismatic' sexy woman, that I turned a blind eye... .First clue was in month 3 though. Had this massive fight because I didn't show enough "worry" about her leaving. I defused that bomb by saying "I love you" for the first time.

A BIG red flag was in month 5 when she took me to another city to meet her best friends for her birthday party there. I was quite nervous meeting the friends as I'm not a social bunny. She was very cold towards me the WHOLE weekend, and even opted to get drunk instead of sleeping in our bed. First night there we had a fight about something dumb. AFTER the weekend as we flew home, she tore into me for not showing her enough love in front of her friends? I was stunned cos I DID show her love. Lots. She was so furious with me that we had our first mock-break-up over that.

After that the fights became more frequent, and BPD was there - I just did not see it... .

[kampuniform]

At the forth month the red flags started to unfurl.  I didn’t appreciate their significance until many, many months later when the fierce winds blew them completely open.

It was the strangest thing, because at month four, her demeanor changed from one of endless affection and love, to one of growing indifference and quiet enmity.   On the simplest pretext, she’d become extremely tetchy.  She wasn’t a yowling BPD, as has been horrifyingly described in some of the first-hand accounts here, but her transition was very unsettling nevertheless.

As others have noted, their point of departure is when they finally have to confront their mortal enemy: intimacy.  Looking back on my case, I know what triggered her retreat.

We’d gone for a picnic/hike down by a river, and the day that passed was one of the most memorably beautiful experiences of my life.

After our picnic, she vanished from the face of the Earth for three days.  She didn’t answer my calls, or respond to my emails.  By day three, I was utterly gripped fearing the worst.  When she emerged from her silence, her response was far from consoling: she had been too busy to call.  Her tone had changed, her personality changed, everything about her now puzzled me.

From month four to month eight, her irritation with me gradually grew to such a pitch that I could no longer endure her presence, but, as you are all well aware, up to that final point I still craved her company like a drug, and hoped that she’d mend her ways.

At the end, I was a wreck.  She now bore no resemblance to the person I originally loved, and my only thought was escaping to safety.

When I left her, whew, I was in for a shock.  I’d never experienced such a painful separation as this before.

[Noob]

Geeze, mine started raging and breaking up with me a few weeks in.   

Didn't stop me from re-engaging him, begging him back, apologizing, etc. for the next two years.

[SunflowerFields]

4.5 months

At 6 months - just at the time when things started getting very close and very serious - arguments, breakup, insanity began in full operating mode.

The next 2.5 years just kept getting more intimate - and dysregulation kept getting progressively worse.

[gettingoverit]

It was amazing at the beginning! At our one year anniversary I received a ring that I was not prepared or ready for. Although it was not officially an engagement ring, I knew the significance of it and it FREAKED me out. I did not take it very well. (something I still regret). Three months after the ring I was broken up with, the first of what would eventually become five times in 6.5 yrs. After the first break up, I always felt I was chasing the ghost of who my ex was in the honeymoon phase. Although I never caught the ghost again, it would show up from time to time, just enough to keep me hooked. What a drug that was!

[Mand]

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

[push pull]

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run.  

Yeh Livia... .good point. My r/s was long distance, and when we'd talk over the phone she'd be like, 'I only ever wanted a man to love me. That's all I ever wanted'. So I bought into this thinking that romance wasn't dead afterall, but the more love I shown her when we were in person, the more she despised me. So I was seriously confused by all this.

It's weird... .when I was p*ssed off with her behaviours, she seemed to be all over me, thinking I was going to dump her. When I never showed her any love she practically worshiped me and treated me like a king.

I guess the reason why it's "working" out with the new guy - 7 months on - is because he's emotionally unavailable and keeping her on her toes, or he's a sucker being gamed for his money.

[Huh?]

We were together 16 months.  Our honeymoon ended after we got engaged and I moved in with her after moving from another city... .so when the real intimacy kicked in.  

Funny thing is, up until the end, I was completely oblivious to the "end" of the honeymoon.  I mean, we fought and stuff but I was still very very crazy about her.  It wasnt until she came home one day and announced that our honeymoon was over but we will be okay because we are completely commited to each other... .she was gone a month later.  

[Huh?]

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

Man, I cant tell you how many good planned nights out were ruined like EXACTLY this for me w/ my exBPD.  It sucks because you are the one that is painted to be the bad guy... .they know how to push you to get a reaction... .then you are left doubting your reaction/over reaction.  It is crazy making.  I often wonder if I went back knowing what I know now about BPD if I would handle situations like this different, if Im even capable of it.  Instead of getting angry, trying to deal with her detachment/moodiness/accusations in a calmer manner.  I dont know if it would do any good though... .how do you rationalize with crazy?  I dont think its very easy... .actually, I know it isnt.

[once removed]

difficult to answer, even the honey moon was a nightmare.

we fought constantly from the beginning of the relationship. i also kept my distance in the beginning, and i don't think the stages of my relationship were as pronounced as others. it was fairly steady, even in it's chaotic patterns. there was no "hater stage". there was rage, and episodes, and verbal abuse, and there was idealization. mostly idealization really. but when i think of the honey moon stage, i think of the first three months. she, without permission, moved into my home for this period. MAJOR boundary crossed from the get go. i felt like i couldn't do anything about it. i tried. any suggestion or hint that she leave upset her a great deal. even in the midst of all of our fighting, i'd make the point that we clearly were simply around each other WAY too much. we spent most of those 3 months in my bed room. were there good moments? there had to have been, but they're honestly hard to recall. it just wasn't a pleasant experience, and we fought SO much. she was also particularly controlling throughout this period which i don't respond well to. i was slowly being conditioned to it regardless. the anxiety of causing her to act out would inhibit my behavior. all the while, she has a very nice apartment that her parents are paying for, with two cats. she has quit going to work, and allowed the power in her apartment to go out. she loves her cats like children, and we made frequent trips to her place, yet she would always come back with me.

finally she realized she needed to get things back together, and stay at her place, and she left. i remember i kept trying to push increased independence, and to some extent i was successful. she got a new job, and eventually even went back to school. but for a very long time afterward, if i couldn't spend the night at her place (and i was depriving myself of sleep doing so) she was staying at mine, and this was nearly every night. she just didn't understand the concept of a little space. anyway, that's the tornado nature of this relationship. from day one i never got a chance to step back and breathe and think about what i'd even gotten myself into, and then it was over as quickly as it began.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

Our first date my "crazy critter" talked about 6 different past relationships. Can we all say  !    I'd say it was push and pull from the start, idealization/devaluation... blah, blah, blah, but he never admitted any cheating or really moved on for 10 months.  10 months of drama and then he moved on to a new girlfriend... .but of course by this point, I was hooked! So, then I played the "triangulation (read definition)" game with him and the other girl for another 10 months.  We got back together for the 100ish time and he physically abused me and moved out of state to be with another girl!  He then started the long distance "triangulation (read definition)" with this new girl and me for another year and 5 months.  He wants to have a long distance "open relationship"    It was always an "open relationship" for him!   Well it took me that long to stay NC for real!  It has now been over a month since his last "melt down" from the current on/off again gf and he tried to recycle me AGAIN! GEEZZZZ! I'm going to actually    if he contacts me again!

[kem]

two months. after that things were never the same. her BPD behavior became progressively worst. there were   from the beginning, but it's only with hindsight that i realize this.

[KeepingPeace]

Sadly (and not) we had a good 5 years together (with the occasional moodiness and anger, but not enough to be a huge issue) before things started to go downhill  The thing that really seemed to set him off was relocating for my new job (couldn't handle the change) and then when we had our daughter 2 years ago things got even worse  There were good times here and there and he seemed to be the most wonderful, attentive father, but the love was just gone and resentment built up on both sides, and he would keep walking out on me or threatening to leave, or kill himself... .I kept stupidly holding onto hope that I could make things better if I just tried harder... until he got violent with me and now its over.

[gWocky00]

I dont really remember.  It was kind of a gradual thing, where they hook you, and then you end up waiting for your crumbs, and wishing for more, and the damn crumbs make you so estatic and it just keeps going round and round.  usually it got real good, after she had an affair (which she thought I didnt know about) and she decided what she had at home was better, so she started being really nice to me.  Again this would move into the cycle of crumbs being handed out just to keep me hooked.  I cant believe I stayed and put up with all this for 18 years. 

[Lostone1314]

after we moved in together the affection dropped off a year after that so our second year began the insults and criticsisms by the third year it was constant drunkeness,abuse,gaslighting,sexting and finaly infidelity in our 4th and final year

[valet]

From my perspective, from December 2012 until the end of March 2014. So, about 15 months.

During devaluation, it was mainly the silent treatment coupled with the occasional argument and ensuing rage.

Devaluation was swift, and my anxiety levels were through the rough. I was disassociating nearly every day. I thought that there was something wrong with me. This, of course, was partially true. I didn't spot the abuse and get myself away from it. That doesn't change the fact that the abuse did exist, though.

My part in the dance, of course. I simply had lost control of the turntables, and I didn't know how to get it back.

[SGraham]

 A few months and then things degraded very quickly. Like within days she basically deleted me from her life.

[Brood]

A drug... .how true. They are like drugs, aren't they? Only worse... .

I only broke up Friday but I am taking all the amazing advise I've received in this forum and applying it. Instead of focussing on all the great I've lost, I am pulling up memories of all the bad. Not to torture myself, no, but to show myself that 'The Fog' is exactly what it was - a FOG. Her love was real. I know it was. And is. But her BPD and its poison is just as real... .

I recall things like going to the U2 360 concert, almost 2 years in, and just after BPD really kicked in full throttle. It was my birthday present to me, by buying the best seats and taking the two of us. She was SO 'irritated' and detached and odd in the car on the way to the stadium which led to a MASSIVE fight in the parking lot where we had to leave the car. SO BIG was the fight that I stormed off to find a taxi to take me home and away from MY night and HER. And EVERY time I lost my temper because of her absurd behaviour, she'd calm down, almost eerily, and look at me with "aw shame... .you can't control yourself, can you?" eyes... .Then she'd hold me, calm me down... .We went to dinner, trying to smoothe things over before the concert. While there, she actually got p!**ed cos I was alledgedly looking at other women and people and not paying any attention to her. AT the concert though, she danced with me, gave me love, had a ball, fed me beer cos she claims beer makes me loving towards her... .

How is THAT for a roller coster ride?

And looking back further - our fights ONLY stopped when I broke down, either losing my temper OR crying like a child... .

Seriously almost every time we go out now this exact script plays out. I took her to concert, we walked because its 10 blocks away. Apparently thats a long ways for people who hate walking. The disaster of a night started there... we get to the venue and she wants to get drinks. Then is furious the drinks are so expensive so she doesn't dance. Just stands there as everyone else is having a great time... Except us. I'm trying to keep my cool in front of my friends who are just meeting her for the first time. Then I ask if she wants to go home early, and then I'm the ass trying to ruin her fun. I ask if she wants to dance and its a big no because this is the kind of music people do drugs to... .Then we leave and she starts talking about what a good show it was, how she cant wait to download the music and go see them again when they return. Uh, excuse me. Did I fkng miss something?

Anyways, our honeymoon phase lasted less than a month. She would pick me up and drop me off at work, we would just lay on her couch with the TV off and talk and laugh for hours, go to her room and have the craziest sex... Like every night. Rinse repeat. Then a few weeks of this goes by and she starts to snap, one to three times a week. Just go f*cking crazy. After the first or second time she admitted that she had cheated on me during the second week we were together... Sweet, I said I didn't care. I just wanted her. That was a lie, it was the first time anyone had personally betrayed me... and I just let it happen because she'd look up at me with big doe eyes and then my childlike heart would melt and I would cry thinking its my fault... .

Then the sex disappeared... I thought getting her things to change up our sex patterns would be nice for the two of us, a magic wand, clothes... Of course, she was hurt and offended that I didn't think our sex was good enough and that I was "pressuring" her. That's a word she uses a lot, I am PRESSURING her. No I am not pressuring you, I am telling you what I want! Just say no if you don't feel the same way! We used the wand once in our two years, never dressed up or did anything interesting after our honeymoon. Instead, its hurt, depressed, angry, and then its to the bathroom to cut herself... .Then I would leave, she would freak out I left, call and text and show me what atrocities she had done to her body, she would call and cry and beg me to return, then I would return and we would make up. ohhhh what a miserable roller coaster... Sorry... I guess I have a lot to vent... Im calling her in the next day or so to break up with her... .fkkkk