Is he leaving me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Here is a message I got from him some days ago. I hope you can make suggestions to what the message means, because I cant be objective here:

I am at work, I came to the hotel this evening, the hotel I was at yesterday didnt have internet. I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you. But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

I want to work hard for couple of weeks, I be home to morrow when my daughter will come and she and I will travel to grandad on friday and be back sunday evening, and I will have my daugheter until tuesday, and then I will take a plane to work, be back again next day, then another plane to work and be back sunday. I got aa lot to do that week when Im back, and then I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet... .

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Here is a message I got from him some days ago. I hope you can make suggestions to what the message means, because I cant be objective here:

I am at work, I came to the hotel this evening, the hotel I was at yesterday didnt have internet. I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you. But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

I want to work hard for couple of weeks, I be home to morrow when my daughter will come and she and I will travel to grandad on friday and be back sunday evening, and I will have my daugheter until tuesday, and then I will take a plane to work, be back again next day, then another plane to work and be back sunday. I got aa lot to do that week when Im back, and then I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet... .

[ItsAboutTime]

To me it sounds as though he's a bit overwhelmed. Work perhaps, family obligations maybe. I think he means that the 'time-out' between you will be for two weeks, while he gets his other priorities in order. It sounds as if he's got a lot on his plate for a couple of weeks, and he feels badly that he can't devote more attention to you. He calls it a 'pause'.

I don't see anything negative in this message. Naturally, as a non-BPD I would probably respond with; "Of course it's not a problem for me. Focus on what you have to do. I'll be here when you return."  I think it's a reasonable response.

What about you, what are your thoughts?

[SOOOdone]

you might want to ask him?

I'd give him his space and not put all my eggs in his basket. if his conscience is so terribly disrupted what would stop him from making quick check in calls?  Sounds strange to me.

[eeyore]

definitely let him contact you next.  And in the mean time keep living YOUR life.  Don't put anything in limbo.  Do what you would do as a single person. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

To me it sounds as though he's a bit overwhelmed. Work perhaps, family obligations maybe. I think he means that the 'time-out' between you will be for two weeks, while he gets his other priorities in order. It sounds as if he's got a lot on his plate for a couple of weeks, and he feels badly that he can't devote more attention to you. He calls it a 'pause'.

I don't see anything negative in this message. Naturally, as a non-BPD I would probably respond with; "Of course it's not a problem for me. Focus on what you have to do. I'll be here when you return."  I think it's a reasonable response.

What about you, what are your thoughts?

Im sad because I need a few words now and then. If he only had said "I love you" now and then, phone me and take for an hour maybe every day, come and have sex with me (every day  ) , come and give me a kiss and so on... .I am in the position that I have become needy, ans I hate that... .

[TheOptimisticWoman]

you might want to ask him?

I'd give him his space and not put all my eggs in his basket. if his conscience is so terribly disrupted what would stop him from making quick check in calls?  Sounds strange to me.

I do agree! It sounds strange. But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her).

[TheOptimisticWoman]

definitely let him contact you next.  And in the mean time keep living YOUR life.  Don't put anything in limbo.  Do what you would do as a single person. 

Funny you should say that, because that is what I have been up to, today. I have even been thinking about other men in general. Stay or leave. Lots of stuff.

[ItsAboutTime]

I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you.

I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet....

All those things he said, he didn't have to say. He said them because obviously he means them. He sounds as though he is going through things that are bringing him a great deal of stress and pressure, you don't really want to add more on top of what he has already, do you? I don't think it's a good idea to demand attention from him when he's trying to get through this. It's what he's asking from you now so that he can focus on you again later.

Try to be understanding and remove any guilt from his conscience, that's all he's asking for, patience and understanding.

Just MHO

[whatarideout]

is he leaving you?... .i would say he already left

But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

people that have high interest in someone don't say things like "i don't have time for you". i wouldn't waste my time with this guy. his message is to wishy washy. he's all over the place with his feelings. when someone loves and cares for you, they don't confuse you with up and down behaviour. they make it CLEAR that they want to be with you. he even says he has a lot to do when he comes back! *hint, hint*

stay or leave?... .you can't leave someone that's already gone. stop waiting for this guy to decide what you're going to do with your life.

"you might call it a pause for two weeks... " tell him to make it a lifetime.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I have a lot to do for some small time now, but I dont want to break the conatct with you.

I get such a bad conscience when I dont have time for you.

You might call it a pause for two weeks, but you are in my heart, but I must lay behind me the next two weeks before I can ease down... .and you and me can meet....

All those things he said, he didn't have to say. He said them because obviously he means them. He sounds as though he is going through things that are bringing him a great deal of stress and pressure, you don't really want to add more on top of what he has already, do you? I don't think it's a good idea to demand attention from him when he's trying to get through this. It's what he's asking from you now so that he can focus on you again later.

Try to be understanding and remove any guilt from his conscience, that's all he's asking for, patience and understanding.

Just MHO

OMG, thankyou!

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you   

[TheOptimisticWoman]

is he leaving you?... .i would say he already left

But I feel I dont have time for you right now in my life... .

people that have high interest in someone don't say things like "i don't have time for you". i wouldn't waste my time with this guy. his message is to wishy washy. he's all over the place with his feelings. when someone loves and cares for you, they don't confuse you with up and down behaviour. they make it CLEAR that they want to be with you. he even says he has a lot to do when he comes back! *hint, hint*

stay or leave?... .you can't leave someone that's already gone. stop waiting for this guy to decide what you're going to do with your life.

"you might call it a pause for two weeks... " tell him to make it a lifetime.

OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?

[ItsAboutTime]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

Im sad because I need a few words now and then. If he only had said "I love you" now and then, phone me and take for an hour maybe every day, come and have sex with me (every day  ) , come and give me a kiss and so on... .I am in the position that I have become needy, ans I hate that

I have even been thinking about other men in general. Stay or leave. Lots of stuff.

It appears to me that you may be having doubts of your own about loving him.

Isn't love supposed to be about patience?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

[SOOOdone]

I'm with whatarideout

if i got those words from someone i'd be making other plans on a friday night.

are YOU telling you don't have time for HIM because of such-and-such and your conscience is nagging at you? Would you be able to even say that if you HAD a developed conscience? Or would you present your dilemma and ASK how you'd FEEL if he didn't contact you? He's not asking you... .he's TELLING you what not to expect from him.

I wonder if it's conscience that he is really talking about here.

[ItsAboutTime]

Bottom line here. Do you really love him?

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

You really love him but you can't be faithful for two weeks waiting for him? I don't understand how that could be love. What if he was a soldier and sent overseas for six months or 2 years, would you remain faithful to him? There are other ways to satisfy your sexual needs without cheating on someone you love. How can this relationship survive if all you can think about is having a 'few small boyfriends in your pocket'?  

Am I all wrong here or do I have a totally different concept of love and commitment?

[TheOptimisticWoman]

 

You really love him but you can't be faithful for two weeks waiting for him? I don't understand how that could be love. What if he was a soldier and sent overseas for six months or 2 years, would you remain faithful to him? There are other ways to satisfy your sexual needs without cheating on someone you love. How can this relationship survive if all you can think about is having a 'few small boyfriends in your pocket'?  

Am I all wrong here or do I have a totally different concept of love and commitment? [/quote]
I do agree with you, and at the same time not everything is said.

He doesnt want intimacy all that much, and he has been giving me the silent treatment all summer. That is very hard. And he often says he have no space for a woman. I have plenty times hoped that I would meet a normal man who could take me away from this. But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend. I live in a hopesituation, and all my friends are waithing for me to get out of this toxic relationship...

What can I do?

[poprocks]

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

Wait a minute... .  You say you love him but then say you want to cheat on him with other boyfriends if he can't have sex with you every night?  That's not even close to love.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I'm with whatarideout

if i got those words from someone i'd be making other plans on a friday night.

are YOU telling you don't have time for HIM because of such-and-such and your conscience is nagging at you? Would you be able to even say that if you HAD a developed conscience? Or would you present your dilemma and ASK how you'd FEEL if he didn't contact you? He's not asking you... .he's TELLING you what not to expect from him.

I wonder if it's conscience that he is really talking about here.

God, I loved to read that.

I want to be empowered enough to be what I want.

Thank you.  

[TheOptimisticWoman]

yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... .:'(

Wait a minute... .  You say you love him but then say you want to cheat on him with other boyfriends if he can't have sex with you every night?  That's not even close to love.

Im tired of giving love to him and to my self. All alone. I want something back. Is that bad?

[poprocks]

No, it's not bad to want intimacy but you have a choice to make.  Do you want to stay with him or do you want to leave him?  If you want to stay, then you obviously cannot cheat on him and still claim that you love him.  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what.  If you want to leave, then leave and feel free to have sex with who ever you want.  Does anyone disagree with me here?  Seems pretty basic to me.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

No, it's not bad to want intimacy but you have a choice to make.  Do you want to stay with him or do you want to leave him?  If you want to stay, then you obviously cannot cheat on him and still claim that you love him.  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what.  If you want to leave, then leave and feel free to have sex with who ever you want.  Does anyone disagree with me here?  Seems pretty basic to me.

I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... .

I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy. I have helped him alot to cope with his life and getting his daghet back in life, and there is no thanks... or ...

what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly. Now I feel very much alone as my kids are grown and have left. I have so much love to give and cant say I would be glad if a man just want one hour every month. I could never be married with a soldier or a sailor if thats the deal...

I want love ona regular daily basis. Thats the way I am. Is that too much?

[ItsAboutTime]

TheOptimisticWoman

   

Are we both BPD?

« on: Today at 06:27:18 PM »

   

I have become a strange figure. I have shouted, demanded sex. I have leaved,taken all my things and got a cab and didnt got back before plenty days later. I have said lots of things. I have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because I didnt get sex with him.

I have become a drama lady.

Maybe I am BPD as well?

ivy_league0.tripod.com/rhyme_of_the_ancient_wanderer/id114.html

[whatarideout]

But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend.

you need to wake up girl!

you're saying no other guy has a chance with you because of some delusion of optimism that your "boyfriend" will give you what you need,... .KNOWING, based on his RESULTS, that he will never deliver?

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

... .his behaviour isn't the one i would be worried about

[TheOptimisticWoman]

But no other man gives me what I think I will get from my boyfriend.

you need to wake up girl!

you're saying no other guy has a chance with you because of some delusion of optimism that your "boyfriend" will give you what you need,... .KNOWING, based on his RESULTS, that he will never deliver?

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

... .his behaviour isn't the one i would be worried about

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

  If you love somebody and are in a committed relationship with them, you won't cheat on them... .no matter what. 

Is this really true?

I love him

but

He doesnt give me his intimacy

Shoud I go

stay?

Get intimacy from others who knows hoe this is

and just play a role with m BPD as he wants (with verly little intimacy)

Di you have a facit here?

[ItsAboutTime]

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."

Do you believe that he wasn't aware of this? If there was a problem with intimacy in the past and you both love each other, this is what good communication is for. If you have that, then you would both be willing and able to talk about this obvious problem.

[whatarideout]

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

i'm not judging you.

you feel lonely in "this" relationship because there isn't one. it takes two people. period. when one is "absent" from the other person, the relationship is dead in the water. game over. he's told you through his ACTIONS and WORDS that he is not available.

you say you love him? i disagree

i would say you love what you "wish" he could be

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me.

i'm not judging you.

you feel lonely in "this" relationship because there isn't one. it takes two people. period. when one is "absent" from the other person, the relationship is dead in the water. game over. he's told you through his ACTIONS and WORDS that he is not available.

you say you love him? i disagree

i would say you love what you "wish" he could be


You are right. The relationship is over or has never been one, or has always been dramatic. But its so strange that all the anger he had before is gone when he doesnt have a girlfriend. He says he has always been a bad boyfriend, he doesnt feel the need to give and everyone is asking him to give. But I have seen that he gives in plenty ways, but not when someone asks. This is not the first time he has been absent and want time of his own and be with his father og 82 years (his mother died when he was 9-10 after years in bed with cancer). When he returns he is very gentleman, washes my car inside out, we share everyday doings, he can talk about feelings, he is open about not beeing there for me in long periods saying he must have time of his own otherwise he looses himself. When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... .And when we are togheter like when we go to a spa-hotell he loves to sit alone while Im swimming, but suddely he can turn up and sit with me in the pool, buy some whine for us. I just cant expect anything or wish for anything, and maybe one should never ask or wish? He follows his head, and I have big troubles understanding how not dependent he is.

My friend asked me: If you can live with all the way he is and never expect to get more than you get, then you can go on with this relationship. But is it a relationship you want? Dont you want more?Dont you think you can get more in a relationship?

Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont. How is a story about a good relation?

[ItsAboutTime]

You've been all over the charts here with your responses, up down and even sideways.

If someone has given you some sort of encouragement to be patient and tolerant with him, that he loves you and wants you, you enthusiastically agreed.

"OMG, thankyou! Doing the right thing

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you"



Then if someone else advises you to leave, that the relationship isn't what you need, you agreed with that advice as well.



"OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?"

You have said that he's away, sometime for "2 weeks in a row".



"When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... ."



Then you've said;



"Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me."

Your friend asked you ":)on't you think you can get more in a relationship?"

To which you replied;



"Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont."



When you were asked if you love him you said;



"yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... ."



About his daughter you said;



"But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her)."

He's the loving father of a little 5 year old girl, don't you feel it's appropriate for him to be "popular around her"? I'm sure she adores her dad. Do you really feel that the love of a little girl replaces the romantic, intimate love of a woman?

In one statement you're committing to stay with him, be there for him, then in the next breath you said;



"I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... ."



You've confessed to infidelities when you've felt he wasn't giving you enough sex;

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."



You say you're ready to get out of the relationship, but you want out of it on your terms, by making him want you as you are about to leave.



"I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy."



It appears that you feel he doesn't depend on you for some reason. Do you feel this way because he has to leave on out of town trips for his job or to see his daughter? And why aren't you a part of her life as well? Is that his choice or yours?

"what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly."

From all that I've read that you have written about the way he treats you, I don't see any real mistreatment here. I see a man that travels a lot for whatever reason, I see a man that loves his 5 year old daughter a lot after having to fight for her, I see a man that has told you that he doesn't like being away from you or suffering a bad conscience for having to do that. What I do see is a woman that isn't totally part of her mans life. A woman that has chosen to be envious of the relationship between a father and daughter. I see a woman with obviously extreme need both emotional and sexual and will go to any lengths to get either even if that means having casual sex while drunk with perfect strangers.

Truthfully, if I were this man, I'd have second thoughts about such a relationship. It's not an honest one. It's a selfish one. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but all the conflicting emotions that I've seen you post here tells me that you aren't ready to give any more than you have to in this relationship and there's no real communication or love going on there.

[Al]

You've been all over the charts here with your responses, up down and even sideways.

If someone has given you some sort of encouragement to be patient and tolerant with him, that he loves you and wants you, you enthusiastically agreed.

"OMG, thankyou! Doing the right thing

This gives me pleasure.

God I love him, and I want to be there for him.

Thank you"



Then if someone else advises you to leave, that the relationship isn't what you need, you agreed with that advice as well.



"OMG you are right!

WOW I didnt see that.

Oh, I so sory now, but you open my eyes.

Yes, I think I did see that comming.

How easy it is to trick one self... .

So what to do now?"

You have said that he's away, sometime for "2 weeks in a row".



"When I look back there is a history of every easter, christmas, all summer plus every other weekends, mostly workingdays, sometimes 2 weeks in a row now and then... ."



Then you've said;



"Please dont judge me. I need advice, because I feel very lonely in this relationship. Being alone for 8 weeks is not good for me."

Your friend asked you ":)on't you think you can get more in a relationship?"

To which you replied;



"Well, my answer is: There is something in all relations, and in a deep level I think him and I are special; I love him and he loves me. He loves me the way he can love a woman. Do I know relations that are really good? No. I dont."



When you were asked if you love him you said;



"yes, i do, but... .

I have needs.

I want a boyfriend on a dayly basis. I want sex. I want communication.

I want reflections. I want to feel loved.

More that ones a weel or ones a month.

I have often thought that if I am to survive in this relationship  i must have a few small boyfriends in my pocket... ."



About his daughter you said;



"But I am wondering if this stressed life with being a onlyfather for a 5 year old for 5 days pluss coping with work in between are making living for him almost too much?

Or is it so that he doesnt need a woman to give him intimacy when he ha s a child who adores him and cant get enough of this very good father (he really is popular around her)."

He's the loving father of a little 5 year old girl, don't you feel it's appropriate for him to be "popular around her"? I'm sure she adores her dad. Do you really feel that the love of a little girl replaces the romantic, intimate love of a woman?

In one statement you're committing to stay with him, be there for him, then in the next breath you said;



"I guess  know Im leaving this guy, and has known it since the very first day we met. He has been something my mind could be occupied with in many ways, as in dealing with my broked marriage who was BPD, as a interesting case,... ."



You've confessed to infidelities when you've felt he wasn't giving you enough sex;

"i have drunk wine late in the evenings, had sex with a total stranger because i didn't get sex with him."



You say you're ready to get out of the relationship, but you want out of it on your terms, by making him want you as you are about to leave.



"I am now , I think, ready to out of this relationship, but strange enough I want him to want me as I am about to leave, and not be detached/ absent/bussy."



It appears that you feel he doesn't depend on you for some reason. Do you feel this way because he has to leave on out of town trips for his job or to see his daughter? And why aren't you a part of her life as well? Is that his choice or yours?

"what I miss is someone who is dependent of me. I would love a man to be dependent of me, honestly."

From all that I've read that you have written about the way he treats you, I don't see any real mistreatment here. I see a man that travels a lot for whatever reason, I see a man that loves his 5 year old daughter a lot after having to fight for her, I see a man that has told you that he doesn't like being away from you or suffering a bad conscience for having to do that. What I do see is a woman that isn't totally part of her mans life. A woman that has chosen to be envious of the relationship between a father and daughter. I see a woman with obviously extreme need both emotional and sexual and will go to any lengths to get either even if that means having casual sex while drunk with perfect strangers.

Truthfully, if I were this man, I'd have second thoughts about such a relationship. It's not an honest one. It's a selfish one. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but all the conflicting emotions that I've seen you post here tells me that you aren't ready to give any more than you have to in this relationship and there's no real communication or love going on there.