When your ex fails...

[C12P21]

This wounding of yours is one of perceived imperfection, of scapegoating (something the Borderline knows all too well) resulting in the outcome of your loss of personal control over how you are perceived, and subsequently respected.

Thank you for this insightful and clear post. The devaluation period of a relationship with a pwBPD is very painful. Although I was mindful of this... and I often wonder if other non's are... that we are initially placed on a pedestal. Although that position is uncomfortable at first, even down right embarrassing, over time the stoop on the pillar becomes more like a hammock as it swings back and forth and lulls one to sleep and security. Finally we tell ourselves, someone truly sees my self worth and loves me. Ahhh, bliss and security, that which needed shoring up in childhood and wasn't-and ignored in the darker recesses of our psyche is now completed through the "other" and then, suddenly, the other dissapears. Oh, the emotional pain of our beloved's scorn. This sudden loss of respect and being seen as worthy is (gulp) gone... kind of like a child suddenly being lost in the crowd and screaming for the security of its mother, and mother is no where in sight.

Working through the pain, anger, grief and origins of such deep seated emotional pain is the gift at the end of the pedestal fall. When I reached the floor-the only option worth consideration was to pick me up and figure out how to get through the mess of emotional fires now burning. Do I enjoy having learned this lesson-no I liken it to chemotherapy to treat a cancer... it was something I needed to do in order to survive. But is my life improved because of the experience-yes. I am the happiest I have ever been.

Do I resent the pwBPD -oh, I resent how he treated me, of course. Do I resent him personally, no-I am at the place of indifference. Does it sting, sure at times it will. The memory does. Yet, were it not for the experience my opportunity for growth would not have occurred-and on the flip side I realize now, his choice in me was due to my dysfunction and vulnerability, I was a victim fresh for the picking.I didn't deserve what happened-but I am responsible for how I handle the after math.

C

[Uncle Bob]

2010... .

Good post.

I don't think realistically there are truly that many "Turn The Other Cheek" people out there. I also think it's basic human nature when one gets smacked to want to smack back.

From my own experience with a pwBPD, and all that I have read about BPD most sufferers could piss off the Pope.

I think that after a r/s goes south the Non bpw partner is somewhat justified in having whatever feelings they have including "payback".

1 to 5 years down the road if we are still thinking about revenge our own behavior and state of mind needs to be looked at. Resentmensts are like drinking the poison and hoping the other person dies.

I clown around, make stupid jokes, and poke my idea of fun at pwBPD.

I don't really mean it, and certainly wouldn't act on any of it. Just my twisted way of Dealin with it, or workin through it.

I mean if she was drowning and going down for the last time, of course I would throw her a life preserver. To show my sincerity and undying love heck I'd throw her the other end of the rope too, with a cement block tied to it.

I don't wish pain and suffering on anyone. There is enough of it in the world without addin to it. I hope someday, before the Gangrene sets in she gets the help she needs... .

[C12P21]

 

mean if she was drowning and going down for the last time, of course I would throw her a life preserver. To show my sincerity and undying love heck I'd throw her the other end of the rope too, with a cement block tied to it.

Yep-and that is what we have to accept-the ambivalence of our feelings. Kind of messy-but thats life. 

Thanks for the laugh.

C

[ve01603]

This wounding of yours is one of perceived imperfection, of scapegoating (something the Borderline knows all too well) resulting in the outcome of your loss of personal control over how you are perceived, and subsequently respected.

Thank you for this insightful and clear post. The devaluation period of a relationship with a pwBPD is very painful. Although I was mindful of this... and I often wonder if other non's are... that we are initially placed on a pedestal. Although that position is uncomfortable at first, even down right embarrassing, over time the stoop on the pillar becomes more like a hammock as it swings back and forth and lulls one to sleep and security. Finally we tell ourselves, someone truly sees my self worth and loves me. Ahhh, bliss and security, that which needed shoring up in childhood and wasn't-and ignored in the darker recesses of our psyche is now completed through the "other" and then, suddenly, the other dissapears. Oh, the emotional pain of our beloved's scorn. This sudden loss of respect and being seen as worthy is (gulp) gone... kind of like a child suddenly being lost in the crowd and screaming for the security of its mother, and mother is no where in sight.

Working through the pain, anger, grief and origins of such deep seated emotional pain is the gift at the end of the pedestal fall. When I reached the floor-the only option worth consideration was to pick me up and figure out how to get through the mess of emotional fires now burning. Do I enjoy having learned this lesson-no I liken it to chemotherapy to treat a cancer... it was something I needed to do in order to survive. But is my life improved because of the experience-yes. I am the happiest I have ever been.

Do I resent the pwBPD -oh, I resent how he treated me, of course. Do I resent him personally, no-I am at the place of indifference. Does it sting, sure at times it will. The memory does. Yet, were it not for the experience my opportunity for growth would not have occurred-and on the flip side I realize now, his choice in me was due to my dysfunction and vulnerability, I was a victim fresh for the picking.I didn't deserve what happened-but I am responsible for how I handle the after math.

C

Yes.  Absolutely wonderful post.  I understand what you mean about being the happiest with yourself that you've ever been and I feel the same way.  Still just a little melancholy for what was and what I thought that we were going to have.  I miss my old buddy (when he was my buddy) :'( just a little.

[Why Why Why]

The first couple months after the nasty ending I would relish in the thought of my ex failing.  I wanted it, I craved it, I desired it a heck of a lot!  But as time has passed and I have pieced myself together, I feel more pity towards my ex failing than anything else.  :)on't get me wrong, I still have my moments of pleasure in her pain (well, in thinking it anyway), but those moments are getting fewer and further apart.

The more I heal myself the more I realize she is a lost little soul and that karma has ALWAYS been biting her in the asss.  Karma will continue to nip away at her life after me, it already has, and it will continue to with the next guy and the guy after that and the guy after that and on and on and on... .until she seeks help, should that day ever come.

I checked her FB a couple days ago and read her postings.  I checked a couple weeks ago as well and see the guy she dumped me for, well, him and his family/friends are no longer on her friends list (evidentally, that relationship went poof just like that as we all expected... .I admit that put a little smile on my face).  It is amazing how CLEARLY I can read between her lines now.  She "jokingly" asked if anyone knows a "nice guy" and that screams out to me as, "Help, I'm alone and don't know what to do.  Please someone come into my life so I can find a little peace."  After reading that comment, I felt sorry for her.  Interestingly, it made me not want her that much more, probably because I see she is a clueless helpless child stuck in a 50-year old body and that is someone I have no interest in being with.  I want a woman, a whole woman body, mind, and soul, and my ex is not even half of that at best.

I know exactly the path my ex will head from here.  She's alone and desperate now, she'll "put herself out there" and will wind up going through a few guys I'm sure.  She'll "settle" because she can't stand being alone.  The guys will smell her desperation right from the get-go and take advantage of it.  Some will flat out use her then ditch her, others may fall for her tears.  Either way, each guy will come and then in the blink of an eye... .poof... .be gone.  Her life path is pretty transparent, this is what will most likely happen and it makes me feel really sorry for her.  There's nothing I can do, nor have any desire to do anymore.  I'm moving on with my life and taking care of me now.  She's on her own.

[C12P21]

Still just a little melancholy for what was and what I thought that we were going to have.  I miss my old buddy (when he was my buddy)  just a little

.

Me too, I miss him also. It sucks doesn't it? Hopefully the sting lessens and it gets easier over time. No matter how much I understand the dynamics (or you do as I read your posts) and the the in between, the heart misses what it misses. I have come to realize that's okay too-you can miss someone and recognize they are not good for you. Kind of like eating Cheetos-love the smell of those chips, and the crunchy texture, absolutely enjoy the the taste. Some of my best meals were Cheetos with peanut butter and jelly. Alas, they are bad for me-I can feel the hardening of my arteries and the spread of my waistline with every crunch. They will increase my sodium intake and increase my blood pressure, heck, another visit to the doctor for a check up-or the choice of running a few miles if I eat them to get them out of my system.

Everytime a bag rustles, I miss my chip. And then I remember all over again... how bad they are for me.

[KeepingPeace]

Well, my ex already has failed, BIG-TIME, in that he's been in jail for the last 2 and a half months... .   And while I don't really have a desire to directly hurt him back for what he did to me (hit me in the head about 10 times with a coffee mug... .) and feel a bit sorry for his pathetic a$$, I do have a desire to see him get the karma he deserves for the hurt he has caused me and my family (and who knows how many others... .).  This is a timely topic, because I've been thinking about it a lot over the last few days, due to the fact that his settlement conference is coming up next Tuesday and wondering whether he will be sent to prison on one (or more) of the 3 felony charges they have on him, or be released with a "slap on the wrist" for time already served, as people frequently predict... .  I don't really want the karma of wishing something bad on someone else, however for me and my daughter's own safety and sanity I do have to wish that he gets punished for what he did... .Please send good thoughts our way... .

~KP

[Junebuggy]

I hate to admit this about myself, but do you ever smile just a little bit inside when you hear things aren't working out for your ex?  Not trying to sound vindictive, but after some of the awful things he's done, every now and again i'm glad to know that karma still exists and to be reminded that we reap what we sow.  

And if you're lucky, you get to see it and they get to see that you saw it.  

But this feeling is slowly subsiding.

[deedee116]

Considering that I've finally gotten past the desire to smash his face in for the way he abused me... .

Yes. Of course it would make me happy. Karma can't knock on his door fast enough, as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry, he's an ass, and he deserves it.

I'm not Gandhi, I'm a woman who was abused and emotionally tortured. I've got Schadenfreude to spare.

I'm with you girlfriend!

Bravo! Same here!

[SOOOdone]

Also... .in every relationship... .we all regress. We are at our most vulnerable if we are letting someone in. Therefore, betrayal tends to create pretty strong feelings.

I also think it depends on individual situations, what kind of betrayals took place... .what kind of histories we had that the betrayal reactivated for us... .etc.

Some of us will move on quicker than others to a place of neutrality and forgiveness. Some will unfortunately hold onto anger until their last breath.

But at least this is a board where we can feel free to express our true selves, hopefully without harsh judgement and condemnation. And yes we need to be respectful while airing our feelings as well.

I come here to be honest about my feelings and not make excuses for them. It doesn't mean they are RIGHT, it doesn't mean I'll ACT on them. It is up to me to figure out the meaning of my feelings, where they're coming from, and if they are warranted.

Vindication is a human thing... .around for thousands of years... .the cause of a lot of continued pain (Hatfields and McCoys, religious wars, gang wars... .). Vindication doesn't mean that we actually want harm to come to our exBPD as much sometimes as wanting VALIDATION that it wasn't JUST BECAUSE OF US that they acted they way they did. And that's our own stuff to plow through... .

[gWocky00]

Damn, so all the praying to God for retribution wont work?hmmm, I would talk to the devil, but they are best friends, so guess thats out... .all kidin aside,,I know it aint paradise no matter where shes at.  You always think about the benefits the new guy is gettin, but I know hes gettin his fair share of abuse too... .and when you hear little snipets from people that confirm that it just seems to make you all warm and fuzzy inside,,Yeh I know , but I paid my dues... .I love Karma,,thats why my dogs name is Amrak,, yeh,, karma backwards... .