Is he leaving me?

[Annaleigh]

If I wrote something like that to a love interest, it would mean, go - fly free - find someone else.  Really.  Or I would be saying, I love you and I hope you understand, I'll make it up to you when I return (if I cared).

I hate people that say "I'm too busy for you, me me me.  What the fru if you needed his support?  You say you love him, well what about love for yourself?  The important one in this equation.     YOU 

Two weeks is a good start to NC. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

 I have been honest about my wrongs. I havent told about his. With breaking into my house when I was not here, calling my children, visiting my eks, stopping the car and ask me to leave, sending me out of our room on a boat, I couldnt speak with friends or be with my children, he has held me down, slaped my face and body, shouted at me in town and on a boat with lots of people, ... .and so on... .

The summer i 8 weeks, 2 weeks now and then is all the year round.

I have been babysitting several times.

He didnt get to see the child before I came into the picture, just 2 hours once a month with hired people from the state...

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

[ItsAboutTime]

I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to clarify your statements because you say one thing, then another totally different thing.

All-in-all your relationship with an abuser is not really where you should be. Why would you want to be with someone that's abusing you all the time?  Leave him, or kick him out, then get back to living a normal life. Abuse doesn't just suddenly end, it only escalates. Do you want that?

Like many of us, your BPD has caused you to lose self-respect, and you need that badly. But the only way to achieve that is by freeing yourself from him.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

If I wrote something like that to a love interest, it would mean, go - fly free - find someone else.  Really.  Or I would be saying, I love you and I hope you understand, I'll make it up to you when I return (if I cared).

I hate people that say "I'm too busy for you, me me me.  What the fru if you needed his support?  You say you love him, well what about love for yourself?  The important one in this equation.     YOU 

Two weeks is a good start to NC. 

I have learned that his way of saying things is different from when I do it. Or maybe :

When I last autumn was leaned backward he was desperate to meet. So things have been opposite.

[Annaleigh]

Those were the days.     

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

[Al]

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

Thats a hugequestion that I am going to ponder, thanks for asking it 

[lashout]

I agree with the last post. Somethings not quite right with this picture.

Your fella sounds a wee bit confused; not quite in the game and not quite out. Nothing wrong with that.

What is it you want optimistic? This guy or a guy? How long have you known him? have you put too much pressure on him?... .sounds like he has other obligations (job, daughter)... .is that going to work for you? That might be the question you need to ask yourself, and that maybe he is trying to get you to ask yourself.

He might be an ok guy.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Those were the days.     

Imagine you could say ANYTHING to him, with no consequence or condemnation.  What would you like to say, from your innermost heart?

I would say: I cant understand that you who always have said that birthdays are a great thing in your family that you cannot miss, dont send me a message, dont call me, dont meet up, dont get me flowers or a present on my 50th birthday on the 12th of august 2011, but let me stay in my flat all by my self waithing for my love. That is the most evel thing you probably have done... .

I cant understand that you dont miss me and our time togheter, but maybe you were using to me help you to get to have your daughter back in your life and care for her. You knew I know the system, I met your eks, the state, the lawyer, to give an impression of that we were a couple.

You have plenty times enden our realtionship when you want space, leaving me to go on with my life, but when I do, you come back and ask in the softens romatic way to give it a new try, and I open up again thinking that everything will be stable.

You have over and over again told me about loosing your mother in cancer when u  were 9-10 and that I must promise to never leave u, but how can you leave me and think that is ok?

I will always have a place for you in my heart, and Im sure noone wears shirts better than you, but I will never be my best with you, I will always have too much focus on you and to less on my self, and I will feel very lonely being most part of the time alone in a relationship. I will not be alone in a relationship any more. I want to say no to that option. I want to believe  that a boyfriend are there when I need him, as I am there for him. Nothing very complicated, just reason and heart all toghether. I am in remorse.  But I will face the pain and get on with my new life.  

[lashout]

I think you should let him go and focus on yourself.

It would be showing kindness and compassion to yourself and to him.

You might be a little to fragile for a guy with other commitments.

Be well and check out some of the other things this site provides. There is alot of support and information out there.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

[Annaleigh]

    We can get so wrapped up in worrying about their stuff that we let our stuff kind of get lost in the shuffle.  They are like hurt little kids that pull on our heartstrings.  Then they start stomping on our hearts.  Ouchie! :'(

[lashout]

I agree Annaleigh. Big nasty kids-playground bullies playing us for fools

[whatarideout]

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

you will get nowhere by playing the victim.

[lashout]

that is the truth!

Stay strong and keep on keeping on and dont look back.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I agree with the last post. Somethings not quite right with this picture.

Your fella sounds a wee bit confused; not quite in the game and not quite out. Nothing wrong with that.

What is it you want optimistic? This guy or a guy? How long have you known him? have you put too much pressure on him?... .sounds like he has other obligations (job, daughter)... .is that going to work for you? That might be the question you need to ask yourself, and that maybe he is trying to get you to ask yourself.

He might be an ok guy.

I must say I like it when you say he might be an ok guy.

Maybe, in two weeks he will be sending a mail asking me if I want to come with him to a spa- hotell, bring my swimsuit and we will eat good food, have sex, talk, ... and I know that picture of the two of us togheter is very good.

And I need to realise that he is a father with a small child, I am doone with that type of work and commitment (- I miss it ), but I realise that I dont want another child and devote all my hours - as I did for all my 3 kids- (yes I worked + +), I am little shocked that I am finished with small kids... Its very hard work being an only father from thursday to monday every other week, so I know he is tired. And he has a work that takes 10 hours a day, a big house he do himself. He is eager to keep himself active so he goes to the gym 3 times a week. He is very clever with many things, and he takes care of himself. I find him a caring person, and when I met him he always sat in his own chair, now he always sit by me, stroking and massagin my feet and toes all by my self, we watch movies togheter or car shows... .I am very attracted to him.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Why are you so mean to me saying all this nasty stuff?

You make it sound like im a pervert ...

I have become a mess after this 18 months

But I know I will get out.

But I dont need your answers to who I am or not.That was hurting me.

you will get nowhere by playing the victim.

Thanks.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

that is the truth!

Stay strong and keep on keeping on and dont look back.

Yes, I feel I am blossom to a not-looking-back-mode...

[lashout]

sounds good.

be well.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I think you should let him go and focus on yourself.

It would be showing kindness and compassion to yourself and to him.

You might be a little to fragile for a guy with other commitments.

Be well and check out some of the other things this site provides. There is alot of support and information out there.

Good luck to both you and your friend.

I need that. Thank you.

I have been looking at sites about detachment that leads to freedom, it sounds sweet and good. Im not familiar with the word codependence... do I need to know about that to be free?

[lashout]

co-dependence is a key word.

we all need to look at ourselves (not the other person) as we take in what it means to be co-dependent.

We either are co-dependent or we're seeking someone else who is... .thats for you to define and you will be on your way to a better understanding of who you attract and who attracts you. Read it and read it and read it... .and you will understand. Good luck!

[TheOptimisticWoman]

co-dependence is a key word.

we all need to look at ourselves (not the other person) as we take in what it means to be co-dependent.

We either are co-dependent or we're seeking someone else who is... .thats for you to define and you will be on your way to a better understanding of who you attract and who attracts you. Read it and read it and read it... .and you will understand. Good luck!

ok, do you have site you would recommend on co- dependency?

[ItsAboutTime]

The site I'd recommend would be 'bpdfamily.com', That's right, you're going to find nearly all the information about anything you would like to discovery right here under the 'Home' tab, then the 'Articles' tab.

[lashout]

Thanks for posting that information; I only joined myself on Saturday, so didnt know the answer to the question on where to find.

It was nice e-mailing with you.

[ItsAboutTime]

Welcome to the forum lashout. I know you'll find there's more information and articles in this site to go through than any other.   

[lashout]

Thank you! I wish I'd done this a long time ago... .I couldve saved my friends the trouble of listening to my crazy-ass tales of "ok how screwed up is this?".

[Clearmind]

Healthy r/s are about setting boundaries and having them respected. If you are undecided at this stage then request that he calls you on x day. That is not too much to ask. If he agrees then doesn't then actions speak louder than words. You have a right to ask this of him. It's 2 weeks after all.

[TheOptimisticWoman]

Healthy r/s are about setting boundaries and having them respected. If you are undecided at this stage then request that he calls you on x day. That is not too much to ask. If he agrees then doesn't then actions speak louder than words. You have a right to ask this of him. It's 2 weeks after all.

I think ( or I feel now) that I can find strenght not to contach him those 2 weeks he will be busy, buts its hard as today my car broke down and he fix things like that. I am prepared that he will then a) send me an invitation of some sort b) he will not. I really hope I want to be abel to decide even now or before those weeks has pased what I want to do, namelig leave him for good. I could of course say to myself that I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

But maybe Im just fooling my self ? I could instead learned the lessons of detachment to freedom, and I guess doing a small tiny the last night thing isnt a part of that? Could I try LC when he comes back and not touch him? Do I see myself beeing a friend, me helping out with babysitting and he helping me out with carproblems? Im I dreaming? naive?

[2010]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that. 

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that.  

I can see that. But what do you think about this?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jSYPQm23Bc&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

[TheOptimisticWoman]

I want a last date with him (without him knowing) if that could make me feel stronger and empowered. Suck the last kisses out of him... .save for lonely days... .feed up my heart... .

TOW, Why do you think of yourself as a vampire? What happens when you need new blood? What are you trying to get from this man that you cannot give yourself?

To become whole (independent,) a woman has to do the things that she believes only men can do for her. For instance, It would be possible to call a professional mechanic to fix your car and it would not become an emotional trade issue with a boyfriend. When romantic partners begin to trade off chores in dating, a subconscious tally is held above their heads of score keeping. The score keeping can then be used to keep another person in guilt and shame. Neither one of you want to guilt the other. That means becoming independent and handling your own needs.  He has written you an email stating that he hasn't the time for your needs. You must honor and respect that. 

I think in a way I still have a dream about being his Jesus   and help him get connected to his feelings he got detached from when he wasnt aloud to come to his mother bed as she was dying from cancer. I so much want to be a saver, so I rather kind of loosing myself trying to do this. Of course I dont want to loose myself, but looking back this latest half year his rage is pretty much absent. Now the trouble is that he becomes stressed of work etc and goes into this dissociation where he feel numb, without contact with himself, he feels like a noperson wih no Identity, and when that happens he doesnt want to see me or have contact at all.

I can stay and wait until he get a connection to himself again, or I can leave him be and get out of his life and start a new life on myown(Im more and more there). Or I could help him get in therapy to get his detached him get in contact with his little him who has feelings... .

I do want to give myself all the things I want in life. Yes. But I know also that its very good to have a nice caring relationship. Maybe its not possibly with him.

Maybe I must stop to being a vampire, yes...  

[Annaleigh]

We use worrying about them to avoid our own 'stuff' and our feelings.

It's an addiction.  ;p