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Author Topic: Saw my ex yesterday - she dove away  (Read 10312 times)
Willy
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« on: September 24, 2011, 02:08:26 AM »

I think what happened yesterday gave me some kind of closure.

I entered a diner yesterday and saw her. She didn't see me yet. I doubted whether to turn around or stay. I decided to stay. I pretended not to see her, but from the corner of my eye I saw that as soon as she saw me she dove away on a couch to hide. I took a seat away from her. After five minutes I noticed she is still hiding. I texted her that I saw her and will not come over. She hid until I left (for 45 minutes) lying on a couch. This is a woman of around thirty! How sad. The last bit of connection I felt for her is gone. She hid, so she knows she is wrong.
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2011, 03:17:42 AM »

Sadly, this is the closest I think they come to remorse. Thats beyond pathetic
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Clearmind
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2011, 03:43:41 AM »

Wow willy. How odd. How do you feel after seeing her? Was it the first encounter since your b/u?

Hugs
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Willy
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2011, 06:02:50 AM »

I certainly feel different. Much better. I am 100% sure that I never want to have anything to do with her anymore. And I have to admit it feels goods she is ashamed or embarrassed.

During her 'hide out', she had to go to the restroom. She tiptoed and made herself small. What did she think, she can make herself invisible? When I saw it I was amazed and had to chuckle a bit. What a strange behavior!
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Uncle Bob
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2011, 06:52:14 AM »

I'd be really interested in knowing what thoughts go through a pwBPD's mind in such a situation... .Is it guilt, shame, remorse, what? Or is it like the little kid that stole the candy bar and got caught. Just uncomfortable, or frightening like the mouse cornered with the hunk of cheese with no where to turn. These thoughts, for me, realistically come from a place of wanting some sort of validation that I did in fact matter to them and it wasn't a total waste of time. Today, I matter to me, so it really doesn't matter what she/they think or feel.  I have been fortunate enough not to be captive in such close proximity of either one of the women I am convinced have BPD. Don't know really how I would react. Armed with the information I have now I'm sure I would handle it differently than before.

On two occasions I have seen the ex that got me here. Both times she ran... .I can't put a name on what I felt, as there were several emotions goin on at the same time. But whatever they were, I gotta admit they felt good... .Like you, I don't want anything to do with her. Every day I move towards indifference. That feels even better! They can be their own problem, or someone else's.   
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beetsme
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2011, 08:11:51 AM »

A few weeks ago I was in the parking lot where my wife works where she saw me coming, she immediately ran to the car and drove off in a huff as if Godzilla had entered town or something.  We live in a very small town,  and you will bump into your so sooner rather than later.  In her case, I believe that she is truely mad at me; so much so that her emotions will smother any rational thinking and control her actions.  She operates out of the retilian brain when stressed.
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eng123
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2011, 11:53:20 AM »

I have had similar experiences running into her.   It feels like we are the monster and not the other way around.   I suppose that she thinks that I would say something angry or mean or demand the payment of the money she owes me.  When we have spoken she only told more lies and repeated my own words back to me - specifically "I don't like the way you treat me."  I always treated her with respect, with kindness, with sensitivity, with thought, with care, expressions of hurt but certainly without rage, anger, harshness ever - she has no experience or background to expect that from me.  I guess she knows that she should expect some anger and maybe other trash/thugs she spent/spends her time with treat her that way... .
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Twilly
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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2011, 01:45:19 PM »

Saw mine 3 weeks ago for the first time on the street.  The man she was with must have said something because she turned her back to me like I wouldn’t recognize her.

I was going to cross the street but said "No Guy... .you've done nothing wrong." so I walked up and said hello the man (who she was triangulating (read definition) me with during our relationship) and then turned and faced her and said

"Hi Alice.  You don't have to turn your back on me its alright." and then kept walking. 

The person I was with said she looked like a deer caught in the headlights.  It must have been a shock that I actually walked up and spoke to her because she is playing the typical BPD stuff during our divorce process.

I can't say I felt good but the person I was with said I handled it very well and I should be proud of myself.

I think it is the guilt and shame as they know what they have done and the pain thy have caused and they don't want remainders especially the actual person they have hurt.

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Sabine
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2011, 02:34:03 PM »

I think my ex would try to burn a hole in my head with a 'look' if he saw me. I'm sure he is still blaming me for the r/s ending. His last few emails to me (before solid NC) were always about how I wasn't honest with him, how I have no empathy, how I led him on, how I wasted 7 months of his life... .He has always been victim and will probably continue playing that role for eternity... .

It wasn't a normal r/s so i don't expect the breakup to be normal either! Immaturity, intimidation, manipulation, and skewed thinking is behind whatever he would do... .

a wildcard will undoubtably be played... .
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Huh?
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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2011, 10:44:43 PM »

Similar experience here the last time I saw my ex fiance two months after the split.  She literally ran away from me as fast as she could.  I was dumbfounded.  Glad to see its typical behavior I guess. 
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Finallyfree123
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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2011, 11:39:29 PM »

Willy: That sounds so childish.  Little kids go through a stage where if they can't see you they think you can't see them. Sounds like your ex is stuck in that stage!
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Beach_Babe
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« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2011, 04:22:20 AM »

Saw mine 3 weeks ago for the first time on the street.  The man she was with must have said something because she turned her back to me like I wouldn’t recognize her.

I was going to cross the street but said "No Guy... .you've done nothing wrong." so I walked up and said hello the man (who she was triangulating (read definition) me with during our relationship) and then turned and faced her and said

"Hi Alice.  You don't have to turn your back on me its alright." and then kept walking. 

The person I was with said she looked like a deer caught in the headlights.  It must have been a shock that I actually walked up and spoke to her because she is playing the typical BPD stuff during our divorce process.

I can't say I felt good but the person I was with said I handled it very well and I should be proud of myself.

I think it is the guilt and shame as they know what they have done and the pain thy have caused and they don't want remainders especially the actual person they have hurt.

Good work, Twilly! Now thats awesome  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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realityhurts
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« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2011, 04:34:17 AM »

I think my ex has seen me and hid.

I got this in an odd email last week "I want to run away, because I shake when I see you, and that's not your fault, it scares me"

Come to think of it she would hide from anyone... She hid from a colleague when she handed her notice in (after an extended period off work)
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2011, 10:39:06 AM »

I am glad to see that this is typical behaviour for our BPD exes. I saw my ex twice in the last six months. The first time I saw her we both happened to be parking in the same parking stall down town. As a approached the meter to pay, I recognized her from behind. Two weeks prior she had moved out of our home and left me with a filthy disgusting home (let her dog p*ss all over my carpets and left it etc.) I walked up to her and said "Fancy meeting you here". She looked like she was going to crap her pants. She turned white. She proceeded to pay but ignored me, I then asked "What? You have nothing to say to me? No good morning or anything?" She looked away and said "I have nothing to say to you" and ran out of there. I never saw anyone walk so fast in my life. I found out later from a friend that after our encounter, she ran into a store and HID from me for a while! WTH! She was about 15 minutes late for her appointment. What normal person does that?

The next time I saw her was at the end of August. I had taken on an extra shift at work because we were short staffed. I normally don't work Sundays, but that day I did. I had forgotten that my exes church was a block away from where I worked. I came out of the work place just as she and her "finance" (my ex friend whom she hooked up hours after we split) came out. I pretended not to see them, but I know they saw me. My ex drove out of that parking lot like a bat out of hell. She even drove down a side street to get away from me! As I drove by laughing my ass off, I wondered what the hell she tells herself to behave in this fashion?

Does anyone have any ideas why they act as if we are the monsters that they must run from when in most cases they screwed us? If it were shame, I could understand, but I don't think that's the case. My ex is truly AFRAID of me. Wow, I don't know what to say. 
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beetsme
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« Reply #14 on: October 10, 2011, 11:32:42 AM »

I think it is an honest visceral emotion that takes over them, and any kind of mature behavior simply evaporates. She is really mad at me! I think it is a way for them to cope with the break up - I need to be painted real black inorder for her deal with it.  Her behavior reminds of a twelve year olds response to conflict - basically avoid it at all costs. A couple of weeks ago my ex was driving down my street, I know she saw me because the vehicle was immediately thrown into reverse and went that way for about a block.  Weird behavior.   My brother saw her at the market the other night at the check out stand and she quickly picked up her stuff and briskly walked out of the building. 

Its not like I am looking for her or anything.  We live in a small town (population 800) and we see each other all of the time, and, each time is extremely awkward. 

When will it end?
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canucky
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« Reply #15 on: October 10, 2011, 12:21:21 PM »

I think they paint us like monsters even after the b/u since they know how much they can act like a monster when around us. It is kinda like a addict staying away from old venues or friends they did the deeds with. It is a protective barrier in a sense. I don't think they feel shame or remorse. I think they realize the are a looney tune when around us... .except they are like that with everyone they are in a relationship with.  ?
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AdamC
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« Reply #16 on: October 10, 2011, 05:41:35 PM »

Willy - Why did you text her, that leaves the door open for a response, which you will get at some stage. I would have sat there and done exactly what I would have done if she wasn't there. Why rattle the cage?
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blender
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« Reply #17 on: October 10, 2011, 05:56:49 PM »

My ex said she would die if she ever ran into me.  We'll never meet in a parking lot, because she is afraid to drive.  Her ex - to whom she returned - is her constant chauffer. He wouldn't recognize me.   Better him than me I guess. 
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2010
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« Reply #18 on: October 10, 2011, 06:39:25 PM »

Excerpt
Saw my ex yesterday - she dove away

Good for her. She's maintaining no contact and not attempting to re-engage you. Let the healing begin.

Willy - Why did you text her, that leaves the door open for a response, which you will get at some stage. I would have sat there and done exactly what I would have done if she wasn't there. Why rattle the cage?

I have to agree with AdamC. If you are disengaging, there is no need to send a text stating that you *are* leaving her alone.  If you really wanted to leave her alone- you would not engage her by text. You would just do nothing and leave her alone.

If she's in a location that you absolutely NEED to visit, then keep to your business and accomplish what you came to do- regardless of whether she is there or not. Deciding to stay and sending the text appears to be thoughtful but it really isn't- it's engaging in a boundary dispute. Since she was there first, her behavior of hiding from you obviously means that she is uncomfortable. The healthiest thing for you to do would have been to leave and find somewhere else that wasn't a shared location. Choosing to stay was encroaching upon her boundaries of no contact. Sending a text is also trying to control the encroachment of the boundary issue by saying, "I see you and I am staying put here." Hopefully your text will not cause a need for an order of limitation from her.

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sea5045
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« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2011, 06:50:38 PM »

Willy: That sounds so childish.  Little kids go through a stage where if they can't see you they think you can't see them. Sounds like your ex is stuck in that stage!

Insightful
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