What eventually happens to them?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPDbf is 47 yrs old who has never been married, bad r/ss across the board, no kids, very few 'friends', basically a loner... .so what happens to them? Obviously, nobody can predict the future, but does their disorder intensify and make them more desperate to be with someone or do they just go on in and out of dysfunctional r/s until they die? Do they ever give up on finding 'the one'? Does anybody know a BPD that is say, 80? WTH are they like then?

It's really a horrifying thought... .?

[Sabine]

My exBPDbf is 47 yrs old who has never been married, bad r/ss across the board, no kids, very few 'friends', basically a loner... .so what happens to them? Obviously, nobody can predict the future, but does their disorder intensify and make them more desperate to be with someone or do they just go on in and out of dysfunctional r/s until they die? Do they ever give up on finding 'the one'? Does anybody know a BPD that is say, 80? WTH are they like then?

It's really a horrifying thought... .?

[myopictopic]

Obviously, nobody can predict the future, but does their disorder intensify and make them more desperate to be with someone or do they just go on in and out of dysfunctional r/s until they die?

The second one. The dysfunctional life style continues ad-nauseum until they make the desicion to get better. Until then they will live their reckless unstable lives as long as they possible can. Of course this sounds horrible to someone without a mental illness. We would be miserable in that position. But the fact of the matter is most of them don't think there is anything wrong with them and are perfectly happy being the way they are... .until the emotional suffering become to overwhelming, at which point the shift the blame for their turmoil so that it becomes someone else's fault, and once again nothing is wrong with them, it's just everyone else who's causing thier suffering.

[oceanblue]

It's sad - but I have read the suicide rate for people with BPD is 10-15%.  Not sure if that is true - but I'm sure a lot of them reach crisis at some point and end up hospitalized or worse.   Some might end up with a dysfunctional partner and stay in that relationship for a lifetime.  There are a lot of people who post on the "staying" board.  BPDs are often skilled survivors and there are lots of people willing to be in a relationship with them, as we were at one point.  A lot probably depends on how well they function.

[Why Why Why]

They become more and more alone, even if they are with someone.  They continue to go from one relationship to another, destroying each one and digging their hole of mental illness deeper.  At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex.  That's when they hit rock bottom and truly are alone.  At this stage you'll probably find them walking in parks mumbling to themselves. 

[slipker]

 BPD ex friend is now 76 years old. N/C for almost two years now ,my decision. He was a needy , pathetic mess and lived in a fantasy world. He didn't realize he was an old man. Wanted a "relationship" with much younger women. Grasping for any attention and manipulative to the extreme to get it. I have no idea what he is up to now, but my gut tells me that he is trying his hardest to find someone, anyone, to burden with his illness. Someone to take on his neediness, make them the keeper of his desperation for connection with an "other" and feed his complete lack of self. He once told me that he couldn't live without a woman in his life, and that I was the "only real woman friend he had left in this world". Well, no wonder!  I had no desire to be an " object" or some fantasy that he needed to "live". I believe that they become isolated and alone and spend their last years ruminating on what might have been and what they wished they had... .never content or happy with what life is all about. He didn't feel content with his wife, children or grandkids. He was a victim of his choices and perceptions, and never got what he really wanted out of life. And he had a good one, but was unable to appreciate any of it. 

[1stand10]

My stbx uBPDw came from a family of uBPDs.  Her mother, aunt and grandmother.  She has a half sister that is ironically what I believe is a half BPD (BPD light I believe is the term).  Her aunt committed suicide when she was in her late 40s.  They thought it was depression but I believe she made an intentional mess when she shot herself to make someone have to clean up her remains and feel sorry for her.  Brutal, I know. 

Her mother has been married 5 times and is still married but separated from her current husband and living with the grandmother.  The MIL was the first one I noticed that something was different (red flags) because of splitting, over spending and cheating.  The only reason she lives with the grandmother is because she can't keep a steady job.  I believe she is in her mid 50s.  I don't know what she is doing now because I went NC with her back in 2008.

The grandmother abandoned her family while her girls were teens.  They have only made up the past 15 years but it has all been rocky.  Now the grandmother has declared bankruptcy so many times I lost count.  She is in her mid 70s and doesn't date.  Her "targets" are her dogs and my MIL.  She treats her dogs like they are human and she even paints the dogs black.

My stbx's father told me that stbx has crashed twice as fast as her mother.  He said he always felt like my stbx was at risk but we both did a good job of hiding most of it.  STBX's behavior has only surfaced to the public since June this year when I found out she cheated. 

So, do they get better.  In my observations... .no.

[Calmdown]

Sabine,

I wonder the same thing. My dBPDw was married in her late teen years, had 2 children. In 2002 had another child. Then had our child in 2007. 4 kids... 3 different fathers (including me). She was surrounded by family that cared for her with her 1st husband... threw that away... then with her ex... threw that away... and now with me same thing.  Where will she end up? Will she have another child?  ... .who knows. I dont think she knows either.

I need to stop thinking about her (easier said than done though) and focus on what I'm going to do next... so many wasted thoughts...    

[Gowest]

At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex. 

Impossible. Based on observing my grandmother, there is always going to be someone around they can sink their claws into. She was a complete wreck physically and mentally but she always managed to find a lonely old white knight with mother issues to take care of her.

She did get worse as she aged, for sure. But she didn't die alone.

[zoso80]

Box sexes end up alone.

They both turn into hermits and the women additionally keep their kids close to them to satisfy their BPD. Afterall, BPDm's own their children and their children are there to serve them, validate them, be their emotional and physical caretakers... .the list goes on.

Some have said many BPD women deliberately and even plan "gotcha" pregnancies to have children. They then isolate and poison the well with the other parent. Now they have this little copy of themselves just to them who will never be able to fully get away.

I would agree.

[Realization]

My 47-year old uBPDxh left the house July 2010 and moved in with a "new" GF in August 2010.  I don't see him accomplishing much by the time he's in his 70's, 80's or 50's, really, since she supports him as he collects unemployment (has since October).

I know his live-in is a band-aid over his uBPD and you can ask him and he'll tell you, the 20-year marriage broke down because of me and everything I did/wouldn't do.

His family members are just as unstable in many aspects of addictions and he'll be soon to follow as he 'matures' since his addictions were surfacing the past 3-years (again, my fault).

Interesting to hear what others say if they know someone who's elderly and afflicted... .

[zoso80]

I would say that one size fits all doesn't apply to most any discussion.

The trend my DxBPDgf is on, yes, she's been rejected by many people. No real friends.  Before me her partner pool was degrading to the point where she was living in camping trailers with no power.

I only gave her a chance because of who she said she was and who I thought she was, which of course was a case of mirroring. She told a great tale to hook me.

Lonely elderly men I can see easily being snookered. They are alone and want to go out with a smile on their face. Little do they know, being lonely is the hook the BPD in their twilight years can play very well.

I'll rephrase and say generally, they end up alone.

At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex.  

Impossible. Based on observing my grandmother, there is always going to be someone around they can sink their claws into. She was a complete wreck physically and mentally but she always managed to find a lonely old white knight with mother issues to take care of her.

She did get worse as she aged, for sure. But she didn't die alone.

[sea5045]

At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex. 

Impossible. Based on observing my grandmother, there is always going to be someone around they can sink their claws into. She was a complete wreck physically and mentally but she always managed to find a lonely old white knight with mother issues to take care of her.

She did get worse as she aged, for sure. But she didn't die alone.

I read somewhere that as there looks fade and as there ability to seduce fades, they become more emotionally dysregulated, as you both are saying.

[argyle]

Meh... .there are a bunch of possible directions... .

Some become hermits.

Some just keep flitting from R/S to R/S.

Some actually learn and go into remission.  (Nearly everyone learns to stop certain dysfunctional behaviors after the world delivers _enough_ face punches. This is one of the biggest problems with being a caretaker.)

Some kill themselves.

Some end up in prison or psychiatric institutions.

Some have kids and exploit them to keep someone close to their illness. (blech)

Some meet a really codependent caretaker type and proceed to make them miserable.

Some meet an NPD and are brutally beaten for the rest of their lives. BPD is not that much of a disadvantage to a sociopath.

Some meet a fairly codependent caretaker type, make them miserable for a while, and then the caretaker wakes up, starts being healthier, and they end up in a livable R/S.

Some take such bad care of themselves that they just die early.

My impression is that these outcomes are all on the 10% level, very roughly, but I really haven't looked into it. Personally, I think their suffering is unfortunate and costly.  But, I would bear in mind that, to some extent, BPD traits are probably a survival advantage. Emotionless cyborgs don't have many children. Crazy emotionally volatile people do... .

--Argyle

[jhan6120]

They become more and more alone, even if they are with someone.  They continue to go from one relationship to another, destroying each one and digging their hole of mental illness deeper.  At some point their looks fade and they reach a level of mental instability that they can no longer seduce nor attract the opposite sex.  That's when they hit rock bottom and truly are alone.  At this stage you'll probably find them walking in parks mumbling to themselves. 

Oh. My. God. This is exactly what I see every day in NYC!

Many 'experts' and books say that BPD lessens with age. However, EVERYONE in the mental health field I've spoken to says it gets worse. Both a good friend of mine with a lot of experience and my T gave the EXACT description you gave! They reach an age where they can't attract the opposite sex as much and their seduction games don't work; hence, they have no way to treat their emotional dysregulation through sex, attachments, etc . . .

I see these women all over NYC, walking their little dogs down the street, muttering to themselves. They could be wearing tattered Channel or garbage bags; same difference.

[diotima]

Everyone I have talked to in the mental health field said that untreated BPD gets worse with age. There are cases of more impulse control, which may be what the stuff on the Internet is referring to, and of course there are degrees of severity of BPD.

Diotima

[trax]

My mom ?PD, mostly N in my opinion, but has traits of BPD for sure.

67 years old, been divorced 5 times, still seducing men and doing whatever the hell she pleases.  No one in the family speaks to her.  She has one male friend shes had for years, but I assume its more of an unrequited love thing than a friendship.  

My mother started buying rental property early in life.  She loves being a landlord, so much power, so much control over other people!  My T and she thinks the tenants are my mother's narcissistic feed.  Plenty of people to cause drama for, always someone to think she is fantastic because she repainted the bathroom, .  She will probably be just fine as she ages because of this setup.

She has said that if she ever gets sick and has to depend on someone to take care of her she will off herself.  She even has a plan.  Yuck!

And I have to about the dog triangulation (read definition) post!  Totally my mother.  I finally went NC when she started triangulating (read definition) her dog and my daughter  

[diotima]

Trax, my ex's mother was a BPD and after her husband died, she never remarried and was left very well off financially. She didn't do the cheating, etc. But she was horrendous! Lots of N. It was totally exhausting to be around her. I think what got worse was just the intensity of her self-preoccupation and loudness and everything else. If she had had to support herself she would not have survived. She sucked her kids dry--but my ex got away from her pretty early on. However, he is more like her than any of the other kids are. The other two siblings do not appear to be BPDs even if one of them is really messed up by having been devoured by mommy dearest. (She died early this year.) We took her to an assisted living place as she was getting on in years and the guy who interviewed her and us admitted he had never encountered anything like this before.

Diotima

[larissap]

I think it is right that one size does not fit all and entirely depends on the level and type of BPD/PD.  My ex is very high functioning.  Has a job that pays heaps and is doing very very well financially (not least because he got far more than he should from our property settlment!).

he has found a gf who has some sort of problem herself, must have, from what has been said and done by her.  She has joined him in fighting me and i am of course btch ex wife of the century. 

He still has a reasonable relationship with our sons because he likes playing 'superdad' with them most of the time.  They are too young to see through him most of the time.  He is 45.  His good looks are fading and I have no idea if he has continued cheating on his gf like he did on me.  He was a sex addict and I don't believe leopards change their spots but that is something I will never know.

He appears to all intents and purposes to have a successful life.  Money (heaps) girlfriend, part time children when he can play disney dad, a good job and good life.  So it is hard for me to see him wandering the park mumbling, although I really would like that to happen to him!  I think he may continue with an outwardly succesful life, but it is his inner life that is where the black awful stuff must be happening.

I also wonder when the children are older and he can't take his rage and hatred out on me if he will turn on the gf (who has been with him over 3 years - and doing very well lifestyle and financially out of him!)

I don't know what will happen to mine, if he will get worst or what.  I just think that the high functioning ones, or ones with different PDs (I think he may be NPD or ASPD - one of the cluster B's not sure which would be the dominant diagnosis) have different outcomes.

His mother has something wrong with her too, but don't know enough about women BPD's to be sure, but she has a reasonably succesful life, her kids are all very enmeshed in her life and still see her a lot (my ex included) however not many of her 7 son/daughter in laws want much to do with her!

I don't think they all end up a messy unsuccesful life, just some.

My 2c worth!

[oceanblue]

I agree that probably a lot of them end up ok and many others end up even better.  It doesn't matter.  I have met many rich, miserable people in my life. 

The gift of my BPD relationship was to learn what was important to me and my happiness.  I would rather be with someone honest and caring and who has time for me.  That type of person is unlikely to be a CEO and I am fine with that.

My BPDbf was high functioning when I met him but I enabled his unemployment and hermit tendancies and he became low functioning.  If offered the opportunity to look in the crystal ball and see how he ends up - I probably would take a glance but I am much more concerned on how I end up and my happy future.

[larissap]

IIf offered the opportunity to look in the crystal ball and see how he ends up - I probably would take a glance but I am much more concerned on how I end up and my happy future.

Ocean Blue you are right.  It shouldn't really concern us what they end up like, it is ourselves that is more important.  But it isn't that easy to let go, to not care.  Depends on length of the relationship and in my case the fact we have kids together. Every time there has to be communication over something (which for him is very often) it is like reopening the wound.  It never really gets a chance to heal and wont until the kids are older. And even then you can never entirely get them out of your lives, unfortunately.  And so I probably will hear how mine ends up because the children will still be involved with him.

[newlife3]

 Its a chronic mental illness, so left untreated their brain chemistry will deteriorate and they become worse... Some of their impulsive behaviours they have when younger, may slow down with age and be replaced with others... Some end up alone, others manage to control their families...

Check out the Adults Children Coping with BPD Parent board on this site, its pretty tragic...

Another reason to be thankful, that nons can grieve and create happy, satisfying lives...

[SOOOdone]

hate to sound callous, but I am not too worried about the future of someone who behaved in such hurtful ways.

And to say "he couldn't help it... .he has mental illness"  is bunk... .he knew when not to do certain things at work or if something was important to him.

He often quoted Shakespeare (gag me now... .)  with "we are the architects of our own destinies... ." or something like that. He was right.

All aside, BPDs have different outcomes. Some get help and hopefully become Narcissists. Some lose testosterone and just become miserable, complaining old men. Some lose estrogen and become demanding, miserable parents.

Some spend 10-20 years in therapy and become productive and loving citizens.

Depends WHEN they are treated, IF they want it, IF they have the capacity to tolerate it and have insight.  The world is FULL of BPDs in all walks of life. Some seem to ENJOY their misery... .gives them some purpose and a relationship gives them something to oppose and complain about.

However they turn out... .If they aren't paying me per hour I really don't have much desire to deal with all the baggage that comes with them anymore.

[Zena321]

MAYBE they are the DIRTY OLD MEN of the world and the Little OLD LADIES who peer out their curtains the BUSYBODIES who are constantly watching for someone to yell at or call the police on because they are LONELY and have nothing better to do ?

                     ;p

[jhan6120]

Hang out in downtown NYC and just watch anyone in their late 30's and up. Guaranteed one out of 5 is BPD.

[diotima]

hate to sound callous, but I am not too worried about the future of someone who behaved in such hurtful ways.

I agree with SD. If they become dysregulated and can't control their impulses, they still know they did something wrong later. My empathy is for the people they are going to hurt. At this point I am still having   thoughts about my ex.

Diotima

[jhan6120]

Like people here have said, at some point, after much therapy (years) they'll be able to control their impulses a bit, but at a certain point in life, what you see is what you get. BPD is part of a person's CORE. Very hard, if not near impossible, to change that.

Is it surprising that most PWBPD are physically attractive? Pretty people get away with a lot more in our culture. My ex basically relied on her physical attractiveness and promiscuity to get through life, but as she edges into her early 40's, it's getting harder for her. She's definitely a Crazy Cat Lady in the making.

[diotima]

Many of them are very physically attractive. My ex is not. He is overweight and bald. However, he is totally charming--beyond belief. So he sucks people in. Grrrrrh.

Diotima

[jhan6120]

Many of them are very physically attractive. My ex is not. He is overweight and bald. However, he is totally charming--beyond belief. So he sucks people in. Grrrrrh.

Diotima

Mine looks like the old comic strip character Vampirella. Actually she turned out to BE Vampirella!

[trax]

My mother is very attractive, even at 67 she has the whole ageless beauty thing going on.  When she is "on" she really lights up the room.  

My xh WAS attractive, but is now about 100 pounds overweight.  He still attracts tons of ladies though and I'm sure he is not concerned about my opinion!

[diotima]

Just curious: how old is your 100lbs overweight ex who is attracting a lot of ladies? Just wanna compare notes... .

D