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Author Topic: Did yours "encourage" you to change your hairstyle, dress, etc.? Control/abuse?  (Read 3357 times)
findingmyselfagain
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« on: October 12, 2011, 02:25:41 PM »

I thought it was cute at the time but my ex really liked for me to "spike" my hair. I've noticed the same thing in the only recycle I knew of. (Been a few months since our last C). She also worked hard to get me out of glasses and into contacts. I tried the contacts for a while, but they were so difficult with my astigmatism I didn't really have enough time to learn b/c I was putting in so much energy being with her. Then I visited a support group for borderline females a few months ago. One criticized my shoes and seemed hurt later when I didn't get new ones. She said, "I see how much you think of me." Looking back I wonder if this is a more subtle form of BPD control... .red flag... .sign of abuse? Should our SO really care that much about that kind of thing? Shouldn't they like us for who we are? I guess the question for me is why didn't I put up more of a fight against it? I guess I thought it was kind of cute at the time. I enjoyed shopping with her and picking out clothes for each other. The shopping spree thing I've heard is another BPD thing. I just felt like she deserved to have good clothes (because she had to run away from her exH she couldn't take very much... .and what she did have was kind of shabby). It's a poor reflection of me as teh breadwinner if my family is running around in rags. I'd imagine a healthier wife would have really appreciated that.
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RCA212
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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2011, 02:38:50 PM »

I can only think of two things - he would 'encourage' me not to wear sexy underwear to work by getting mad when I did, and he didn't want me to wear my hear curly/wavy... .actually discouraged it very intensely... .
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2011, 02:48:03 PM »

no, my ex never did this kind of stuff.
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RedRightAnkle
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2011, 02:55:46 PM »

My ex would try to tell me to switch my part to the other side of my head ("your hair wants to go this way, so let it" was always his reasoning)... .he could  mess with my hair for a long time. If I wore something he liked he said I should wear it more often, if it was something he didn't like he said I shouldn't wear it as much... .he liked me wearing dark colors.

The biggest issue was make-up. He didn't like that I wore make-up at all (I ONLY wear eye-makeup... .and not even a lot, just eyeliner and mascara). I thought it was sweet at first since he was saying that I still look beautiful without it, so I just limited myself to wearing it when I worked (to look nice and presentable to customers), and he would get upset. "So some random person's opinion is more important than mine? Gee, thanks." That's what I would get. We'd seriously get in fights about me wearing make-up... .it was so annoying.

It's control control control, no doubt about it.
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doublebind
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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2011, 03:04:23 PM »

In fairness to X, he was fairly complimentary about clothes, etc.  He DID in the beginning ask me to do certain things - hair length, hair color.  I pretty much didn't do it and he actually gave up.  I thought it was weird, him asking me to dye my hair a certain color (my hair is dyed my natural, pre-gray color).  I always kinda thought my hair color was personal.
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Gladto be away
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2011, 03:30:48 PM »

Mine wanted me to wear my hair tied back in a pony tail all the time without bangs. He didn't want me to wear certain clothes if we were together and required me to wear make up.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2011, 07:33:12 PM »

Yes most definately - daily!

This is about control and abuse - control because you were not left to decide what you want/like and abuse because its demonising the person you are and decided to be/portray.

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muddychicken
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2011, 07:43:27 PM »

On the contrary, it's what I couldn't do... .goatee... .shave my head... .but she could spend $300 a pop at the salon for whatever style she wanted.
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zoso80
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« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2011, 09:14:09 PM »

This thread reminds me of an issue I had with DxBPDgf regarding SD8. ExBPD felt girls were required to have long hair. All the frills and such. I always found exBPD's over accentuation to things feminine of her daughter strange. Like she was creating a caricature of femininity. I decided early on to offset this by encouraging SD8 in sports and things that fostered independent thought and academics.

ExBPD fought all that.

The biggest row was over hair. SD8 had long hair 1/2 way down her back. It looked terrible, split ends - all that jazz. The worst part was the mornings. SD8 would take a shower at night and be knotted up terribly by morning. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow" and the tears would flow. Since I was doing the mornings with SD8 I suggested to exBPD that it was time for SD8 to get a haircut.

Oh the horrors at that suggestion! Like I was proposing turning SD8 in to a genderless child. After all, without her long hair SD8 wasn't a girl!

Wierd huh?

So, she made into a horribly big dust up and it didn't happen. I had to get up almost 2 hours before school with SD8, completely blow dry her hair for her, get her fed and ready for school.

It came to a head two months later, when the family therapist suggested that spending 45 minutes between shower and blowing drying a 7 year old child's hair in the morning was ridiculous and that for efficiency sake SD8 should get a shoulder length bob.

That's what it took to get exBPD to agree to shoulder length cut SD8's hair.

Today, exBPD still tells SD8, 'your hair is so short'  reaffirming the waif-like value system.

I don't know about other parents on this board, but I'd rather insulate a child from the crushing pressure of gender ideals as long as possible. Let them be a child and enjoy their childhood.

ExBPD felt the exact opposite.

Oh yes and exBPD would constantly criticize my makeup.  This was coming from the woman, who looked towards the end as being one step above a homeless person.
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redberry
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« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2011, 09:26:35 PM »

Oh yes.  Critiqued my clothes, hair color, makeup, shoes, how I walked, how I talked, how I shook hands  ?, you name it.  He always wanted me to wear slutty dresses, lots of eye makeup, and high heels.  These comments annoyed me so I let him "dress" me one time before we went to dinner just to see what he had in his messed up head.  Well, when he was done, I looked like a damn hooker.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2011, 09:29:30 PM »

Oh Red   . I hear you but I am sure you didnt act like a hooker! feelings are not facts for 'non's.

My ex had no clue - I asked him very early on in the r/s whether he like what I was wearing that day - turned on his heels without saying a word - I think of myself as a snappy dresser and many have told me so - how much could it hurt to just give one compliment.  

BPDs end up making you feel not skinny enough, not healthy enough, not dressing well enough - control control control, abusive abusive abusive.

I was just reminded - when i got out the shower my ex looked at my ass and I had developed some slight hail damage (cellulite) - he said - "Oh you never had that when we met"   
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2010
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« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2011, 10:58:32 PM »

Excerpt
One criticized my shoes and seemed hurt later when I didn't get new ones. She said, "I see how much you think of me." 

then... .

Excerpt
It's a poor reflection of me as teh breadwinner if my family is running around in rags. I'd imagine a healthier wife would have really appreciated that.

Aren't these the same? Both statements are outwardly directed and factor in another person's reflection to the sense of self (ego.)  The first is your reflection to someone else. The second is your ex's reflection to *you.*
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flyingfreenow

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« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2011, 12:11:58 AM »

Thankfully he left me alone with what I wore. I think he knew that he couldn't push me that far.

But he did try to make me stop taking care of myself. He would throw a fit when I didnt have anything sweet in the house for him. He would come by at odd hours, usually right before he knew I wanted to go to the gym that day, which prevented me from going because he came by to see me and god forbid I wanted to take care of personal things (gym, shopping, random errands) when he did. So he always would either try to guilt trip me or argue with me about not going, because he didnt want to move his fat butt.
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diotima
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« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2011, 01:29:19 AM »

Excerpt
BPDs end up making you feel not skinny enough, not healthy enough, not dressing well enough - control control control, abusive abusive abusive.

Yes, they do this. Mine wanted me to have a bigger butt and thighs, was always encouraging me to work out and have bigger biceps (I do work out), but I his previous gf was like an amazon and he never let me forget it. The other thing was wanting me to wear huge amounts of perfume. I have a very sensitive sense of smell and a little dab would do me. He complained about this ALL the time. He even through this up to me when we broke up, how I tortured him because I wouldn't wear perfume. He could care less that it made me sick to dump a whole bottle on my head.

Diotima
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Sofie
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« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2011, 01:42:57 AM »

In all fairness to my exBPD, she did nothing of the sort - she would on occasion say that she liked it when I wore that dress or that she liked this or that haircut more, but nothing that I would not consider normal to be said in a relationship.

Rather on the contrary, I tired of that she always wanted me to tell her how to look - how to get her hair cut, what shoes to wear, etc. always trying to find out what I "liked the best." In the beginning I felt flattered by it, of course, but over time I became slightly annoyed with her seemingly not having a real taste of her own.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2011, 07:21:07 AM »

2010,

Could you go into more detail? It's early in the morning. I think I get what you're saying, but maybe I'm reading too deeply,or not enough. What was my reflection to the "friend"? What was my ex's reflection to me? What can I get from that?
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redberry
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« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2011, 09:17:17 AM »

Thanks clear!  I certainly try not to act like a hooker.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

you're right, though, it's all about control.  I was in better shape before the r/s because I was working out and taking care of me.  He couldn't afford a gym membership and always seemed to sabotage my planned trips to the gym so I stopped going, which only made me feel worse about myself.

This is cynical, I know, but I sometimes think he didn't want me to stay in good shape (which was always important to me).  I think it's because he didn't work out, so he didn't want me to either.  Gym time took time away from him.  And I think in his twisted mind, Keeping a toned body meant that more guys pay attention to me which is competition for him.  Ugh.  Like hairstyle and dress, it's all control.  Sick sick sick.
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RedRightAnkle
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« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2011, 10:16:49 AM »

I should also mention that he never wanted me to cut my hair too short (or really at all)... .he literally admitted that if I cut my hair off he might break up with me.

This is cynical, I know, but I sometimes think he didn't want me to stay in good shape (which was always important to me).  I think it's because he didn't work out, so he didn't want me to either.  Gym time took time away from him.  And I think in his twisted mind, Keeping a toned body meant that more guys pay attention to me which is competition for him.  Ugh.  Like hairstyle and dress, it's all control.  Sick sick sick.

I think they do this too - they dumb us down, keep us from staying in shape, discourage us from doing anything that might improve ourselves. I have mentioned several times I want to start working out to have muscle tone (I'm very thin and a weakling... .I have enough muscle mass to function, really) and abs, and he would always look disgusted. "Why? Girls with muscles are gross." It really kept me from doing anything about it.

I had set up to meet a counselor about my anxiety (and possibly talk about medications) and I told him this just as I was breaking up with him the second time. He discouraged it and said that he could never be with me again because I wouldn't be the same person (we had agreed to a "break", so of course I panicked and didn't want him to not want me at all). He begged me not to, but later lied and said "he would have supported me through all the therapy stuff", thinking that was why I was breaking up with him (it sort of was... .I had reached an all-time low, thanks to him, and finally decided to seek help and work on myself). How can you support me through it but then belittle me for doing it? I stopped going after one session, and it was somewhat influenced by him.

They WANT to keep us broken. They WANT to make us look like what they think we should look like. They need to be in control.
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RCA212
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« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2011, 10:34:24 AM »

I should also mention that he never wanted me to cut my hair too short (or really at all)... .he literally admitted that if I cut my hair off he might break up with me.

Yep, mine too!  Unless I wore a wig  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Why Why Why
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« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2011, 10:46:27 AM »

Yes, mine always wanted me to dress to the nines.  We're talking shirt, tie, suit, dress shoes, cuff links, etc.  She always wanted me to have my hair cut neat and short.  When I lost a little weight, she'd want me to get bigger so I would be more "manly".  Really, it was so she could feel more secure.

She never hesitated to point out when she wanted me to change something about myself or when she did not like something about me.  I never did that to her.  Her ugly red vest jacket that she'd wear all the time... .I should have told her how hideous that thing is!
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PinkieD
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« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2011, 11:00:03 AM »

He was very subtle about this most of the time - pointing out to me a woman whose style of dress he liked (which was not like mine, in fact was slutty!).  He always tried to get me to eat more and picked on me about eating "rat portions".  ( I need to lose a few pounds but don't think he wanted that for me.)

But the worst time, broke my heart was the time he told me "You should get hair extensions." My hair is shoulder length, it is too thin to wear longer or looks all scraggly.  I can't help it and I do wish I still had long pretty hair like I did in years past. 

I sorta think he (somehow) knew it bothered me and just honed right in on it to make me feel insecure.   
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