how do they say goodbye so easily

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How do they do it?   He wrote to me that he doesnt want a personal goodbye - I get a FB message before he blocked me.   How do they move on so quickly just because they feel angry? OK I understand he is upset but it's like I'm just a piece of trash he is done with not a person to him. 

[Evelyn]

How do they do it?   He wrote to me that he doesnt want a personal goodbye - I get a FB message before he blocked me.   How do they move on so quickly just because they feel angry? OK I understand he is upset but it's like I'm just a piece of trash he is done with not a person to him. 

[Clearmind]

Sorry to hear that Evelyn. Borderlines are very avoidant and cannot cope with any perceived shame or blame! They feel it enough all on their own.

No you are not trash but he is disorded. You know when some children cover their eyes they feel like you cant see them? Same deal here... .

BPD is an attachment disorder - they do not feel whole and have to attach to another to make themselves whole.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Common BPD beliefs

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0

[sea5045]

Yes they discard us, like gum on the bottom of a shoe, and it is the most painful piece in the healing process. The articles helped me keep it straight in my head, that it is dysregulation on their part, not that I wasn't good enough, or nice enough.

[BigSmushy]

Same way with me. I have never been with someone that could be as distant and cold as she was. It really freaked me out. There is no doubt that out of sight out of mind is how they roll. I wouldnt trade places with them any day. I have my feelings and i know that my love is real and in the end, i will be the one with the good stable life, she will be alone, drowning in her alcohol and the latest fling from some dive bar. I shake her off like dust from my shoes. Im going NC, and i know that i will never have to be with another person that can just discard me like a piece of trash. Its her loss, thats how i see it.

[redberry]

Smushy, the things you wrote comfort me as well.  There's something strangely soothing to know that my ex's relationships will always be chaotic and dysfunctional and that it's not my fault.  I don't actively wish him harm or unhappiness, but I am angry with the way he treated me and I do believe in karma.

[push pull]

Evelyn, it was a double rejection reversal technique. first he contacted you to yank your chain while you were still vulnerable, but knowing you had the power to reject him, he had to reject you first, hence 'i don't want a goodbye'. he knew this would make you feel so worthless that you would reply to him to either pine for his validation or you would ignore him. so he blocked you before you had the chance to freeze him out. i'm ashamed to admit that i did this to my ex when she rebounded and tried to rub my nose in it. i didn't just do this, but i went a step further in the email i sent her. and used very clever tactics that would make her feel ten times more rejected. needless to say, it worked and i found her stalking my fb page under a secret account 5 months later. when i found out i rejected her again by simply deleting her without qiestion. she must have felt deep shame at being foiled and rejected, as i found out she'd been saying things about me on her wall. BPD's just can't tolerate rejection.

[RCA212]

I'm having a really difficult time today - I'm leaving in a few days without a personal goodbye (for me there is no other safe choice) - I've decided it's time to heal myself.  I guess it will appear that I'm leaving in a 'cold' way... .but it's actually quite the opposite. The thing is, I'm a wreck, I can't keep the tears from my eyes... .I imagine it will only get worse when it happens.  How is it that I'm the one leaving, but greiving so much? 

[whenloveandhatecollide]

Feeling used and like you meant nothing to them is the worst.  My ex chose to dump me over the phone after I had just spent the weekend with her.  She told me in the very quick phone call that she had been thinking about ending things between us for awhile. She hung up on me when I started to question her 'reasons' because she was making up any excuse. My head is still trying to get around how heartless and gutless that was of her. The day before she had been so sweet towards me ... .I had my head on her lap, she was touching my hair and running her fingers through it in a very loving sweet way. I sure didn't see it coming.  

[whenloveandhatecollide]

RCA -- you have to look after yourself ... .you know what is best in your situation.  I wish you peace x

[Evelyn]

RCA     There are times when I believe it's necessary to leave without goodbye. I did so 12 years ago with my x.  We had a different history than this friend wBPD that including previous seperations, attacks that I had to seek medical attention for, protective orders, him having an affair to the point of bringing his gf home, etc.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much - it's so difficult to walk away even when we know it's the best thing for our well being.    

 I asked this friend about clarification of how he feels about me. It's been unclear to me for months if he was interested in me in more than a friend or not that I told him that I did care for him and wanting to work things (misunderstandings) out but I wanted to know how he felt.

( I just traveled to my childhood home and are in contact with old friends. Some are single - if he was interested in me in more than a friend I'm not going to be dating, if we are just friends there is no reason why I can't have coffee after church or go over a male friend's house for dinner.)  Now mind you I've asked for this many times just for my own emotional state since April and this past weekend - we had a talk on Thursday that we would continue later (which doesn't happen)and I asked him on Friday (he didn't talk to me) Sat (same thing ) Sunday he talked to me but not about that as it was a bad time  , and Monday. Tuesday I sent him a message that I needed to know.  We have had this talks and everytime I leave with more confusion. He was romantic with me for a few months, then one day he just withdrew (months later find out it was a misunderstanding) and when I would bring it up it was like deny deny deny but his behavior was so different. I wish I could describe it better. When I would bring it up that I need to grieve and move and have less contact it was always a big drama.

Mind you - he can say the most graphic sexual things about other women or say how he is flirting with other women and if I ask him not to speak like that around me - he silences me or something or I hear how we are not married or in a relationship and I'm guilting him.

So me asking this  that meant to him I have had a secret life and am a slut being in contact with multiple men, and he can't trust me. ? Seriously I'm the most upfront person with things like this - I don't play with someone's emotions - would never have a secret life? I don't even think like that.  Yes I don't think this necessitated an electronic goodbye.  I've never gossiped, lied, cursed at him, to end it like this where he couldn't trust talking to me. I don't even see how this means ending? It's not unreasonable to ask someone how they feel especially when they have given you so many mixed messages?  

[Sailskier]

Not certain if this will help... .I sorta got some self-respectability back.

I lured him to believing that I was willing to compromise and do all that is necessary to have him back... .all via email... .he replied with his extreme demands. I didn't start out with the intent of luring him... .I really wanted him back.  But when I read his standard extreme demands... .I decided to ask him four very intimate questions.  

Do you believe that I love you?

Do you believe that I loved you more than anyone else that has come into your life?  

Have you loved/cared for anyone more than you do/did for me?

Do you believe that all I really want is for you to be happy?  

He didnt reply to the above but expected an answer to his demands (one of which is never to live w' my son... .who btw... .is a good kid). I emailed him again to simply answer yes or no to the above.  He did.  The bottom line is that all but one is a Yes... .all others were deflections leading to No's.  So... .I learned that he just believed that I loved him more than anyone else in his life.  That was the last communcation that I had w' him.  I received my answer... .and I didnt reply back.  

It was I that said good-bye... and it was I who closed the door, at last.  It helped my soul

[push pull]

Whenloveandhatecollide, i know what you mean about the phone call and ending things. i mentioned in a thread that i learned how to play my BPD using reverse psychology on her each time she dumped me. instead of being down hearted and begging it, i made out as though i was relieved she said it first, and acting quite jubilant - like a prisoner suddenly being set free after so many years. this blew her mind because i reversed it to make her feel like the unworthy one. then i went totally NC. i knew she'd be furious that she didn't have the power to destroy me, and, very predictably, a few days passed and she caved and begged me to take her back. i could have played her more, but it was not what i truly wanted from an r/s. and tbh i shouldnt have even entered into those psychological wars with her because the more they went on, the more i suffered when it came to an end. i just didn't want to get one upped by her i guess.

[Marble]

I feel for you. My exBPD broke up with me via text message about a month ago. We were in a long distance relationship, so we didn't get to see each other much. Anyway, 2 days or so prior to the break up, he was in my city for business. I saw him every day after work for about a week. Let's just say we had the most amazing time. It was so comforting knowing that when I left my office, I would be able to be with him. We wined and dined, made love over and over again, showered... .you know, the intimate "stuff." Little did I know that it would be the last time I would ever see him again. He left me 2 voicemails (before and after he landed), indicating that he missed me so much and that he had the most wonderful time, that he could not wait to see me again and that we would arrange to see each other very soon. We spoke that evening, along with the next evening. He then went an entire day without communicating w/ me (he used to engage in the silent treatment whenever he felt angry with me, so there I was assuming something went wrong). I confronted him via text about it, and little did I know that a few hours later, he would say the most horrible things about me and that he didn't want to ever hear from me or speak to me ever again, and to delete him out of my life.

Although I feel slightly better, I have hung onto every derogatory word that he said. He never tried contacting me again after that... .not even to tell me on the PHONE that it was over. For weeks, I held onto hope that I would hear from him. My friends kept telling me that it was over, and judging by his past behavior (i.e., silent treatments), he would not call me. They couldn't be more correct. I cry less, but I think about him every day.

Is he thinking about me? No. Does he care about me? No. Will I ever hear from him again? No. How he could have walked out of my life without even THINKING about my feelings and without remorse is beyond me. He is a terrible person, and after he threw me away like a piece of garbage, I came to the conclusion that I deserve better! I have never experienced such low self-esteem in my life, but from this point forward, I will never allow ANYONE to bring me down this way. I was used and abused. Never again.

[sea5045]

I'm having a really difficult time today - I'm leaving in a few days without a personal goodbye (for me there is no other safe choice) - I've decided it's time to heal myself.  I guess it will appear that I'm leaving in a 'cold' way... .but it's actually quite the opposite. The thing is, I'm a wreck, I can't keep the tears from my eyes... .I imagine it will only get worse when it happens.  How is it that I'm the one leaving, but greiving so much? 

Because we hate to hurt people we care about. When I saw my ex a month ago and sat separately from her with new friends, I felt like I cut my finger off, I felt like I was abandoning her and hurting her. But I did it and was sick for a week, until I found out the following week she was trashing me right before I saw her.  Now I really don't care anymore.

[simon17]

Its a defense mechanism.  They can't sit there and reflect on their relationship and grieve in a normal way because the grief would be SO AMPLIFIED and INTENSE that they emotionally simply couldn't take it.  The only way to keep the grief from completely overwhelming them is to push all hint of the relationship away from them as quickly and thoroughly as possible. 

[ItsAboutTime]

I think it so easy for them to turn around so easily and walk out of out lives because they feel contempt for us. My ex was a professional in sarcasm. He used it often. What is that other than scorn, trying to make me feel worthless? Yes, I think in the end they become contemptuous of us. That makes leaving very easy for them.

[Clearmind]

The push/pull dynamic is all about 'the test' ~ testing the 'nons' resolve and pushing boundaries to see how far they can push it.

As the relationship cycles the BPD bar is raised higher and higher ~ will he/she jump over this one? Will he/she stumble and finally in time clammer over it? The Borderline equates this with love ~ oh he/she did jump over it therefore they love me. This is a very immature way of relating however as we know BPDs emotional development is arrested at 3 yo.

The purpose of the 'push' is about control ~ the pulling back is also about control ~ so if you cant jump over the bar because its raised too high then either the Borderline pulls the pin or the 'non' does!

[sea5045]

Yeah but you know what, I don't even feel like playing the game anymore.  The winnings were't all that great anyway.  11 weeks no contact... .nervous she may be here this weekend for the world series but I know to look first before wandering in to somewhere. broken up 11 months will be a year at Thanksgiving.

[push pull]

Itsabouttime, i experienced the excessive cutting sarcasm. another form of cloak and dagger behaviour to get under your skin. it used to p!ss me off to no end. excessive sarcasm is listed as a BPD trait on the DSM-IV btw. and Simon, very well put.

[shocked]

Sarcasm appeared in the hater stage in the last few weeks of the r/s.

I struggle with how she detached so quickly.  There must be a light switch in her head.  She knows it too.  She raged at me when I tried to get answers during one of our last encounters that she could LET GO and that I couldn't.  Well, it isn't that I can't Let Go... .I just don't do it in an instant especially when she was just discussing marriage plans, planning a vacation, and she was looking for places for us to move in together.  Three years down the drain without reason or provocation that I can recognize... .Unbelievable. 

[OTH]

My understanding is they let go way before you knew they did. They string it along until they are ready to let go. That is what makes it so easy. They enjoy the drama of the breakup also. If they have NPD traits you really see it here.

Sarcasm appeared in the hater stage in the last few weeks of the r/s.

I struggle with how she detached so quickly.  There must be a light switch in her head.  She knows it too.  She raged at me when I tried to get answers during one of our last encounters that she could LET GO and that I couldn't.  Well, it isn't that I can't Let Go... .I just don't do it in an instant especially when she was just discussing marriage plans, planning a vacation, and she was looking for places for us to move in together.  Three years down the drain without reason or provocation that I can recognize... .Unbelievable. 

[OTH]

I don't mean to be rude but I think your friend is being very clear and you are not paying attention. Read your post again and think about it. What is the right decision for you to make for yourself?   

RCA     There are times when I believe it's necessary to leave without goodbye. I did so 12 years ago with my x.  We had a different history than this friend wBPD that including previous seperations, attacks that I had to seek medical attention for, protective orders, him having an affair to the point of bringing his gf home, etc.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much - it's so difficult to walk away even when we know it's the best thing for our well being.    

 I asked this friend about clarification of how he feels about me. It's been unclear to me for months if he was interested in me in more than a friend or not that I told him that I did care for him and wanting to work things (misunderstandings) out but I wanted to know how he felt.

( I just traveled to my childhood home and are in contact with old friends. Some are single - if he was interested in me in more than a friend I'm not going to be dating, if we are just friends there is no reason why I can't have coffee after church or go over a male friend's house for dinner.)  Now mind you I've asked for this many times just for my own emotional state since April and this past weekend - we had a talk on Thursday that we would continue later (which doesn't happen)and I asked him on Friday (he didn't talk to me) Sat (same thing ) Sunday he talked to me but not about that as it was a bad time  , and Monday. Tuesday I sent him a message that I needed to know.  We have had this talks and everytime I leave with more confusion. He was romantic with me for a few months, then one day he just withdrew (months later find out it was a misunderstanding) and when I would bring it up it was like deny deny deny but his behavior was so different. I wish I could describe it better. When I would bring it up that I need to grieve and move and have less contact it was always a big drama.

Mind you - he can say the most graphic sexual things about other women or say how he is flirting with other women and if I ask him not to speak like that around me - he silences me or something or I hear how we are not married or in a relationship and I'm guilting him.

So me asking this  that meant to him I have had a secret life and am a slut being in contact with multiple men, and he can't trust me. ? Seriously I'm the most upfront person with things like this - I don't play with someone's emotions - would never have a secret life? I don't even think like that.  Yes I don't think this necessitated an electronic goodbye.  I've never gossiped, lied, cursed at him, to end it like this where he couldn't trust talking to me. I don't even see how this means ending? It's not unreasonable to ask someone how they feel especially when they have given you so many mixed messages?  

[wahoo11]

My understanding is they let go way before you knew they did. They string it along until they are ready to let go. That is what makes it so easy. They enjoy the drama of the breakup also. If they have NPD traits you really see it here.

About a week and a half before the relationship finally ended, my exBPD said "I feel like you've given up on the relationship." In retrospect, I think it was her projecting her feelings onto me; it was her way of saying the relationship was done.

Our breakup was nothing short of a spectacle. All of her breakups are. I've only ever been in 2 fights. Both of them were because of her (once with the guy before me, once with my replacement). I've only ever had my life threatened twice (same two guys, same reason).

[redberry]

Amazing the intensity of these relationships, eh wahoo?  Mine had dramatic breakups too and OTH was spot on with the point that they spend much time ahead of the breakup detaching (and... .lining up the next victim).  All of this so that, when the breakup comes around, they're indifferent and almost giddy to get out and start the next relationship.  How sick!

[wahoo11]

Amazing the intensity of these relationships, eh wahoo?  Mine had dramatic breakups too and OTH was spot on with the point that they spend much time ahead of the breakup detaching (and... .lining up the next victim).  All of this so that, when the breakup comes around, they're indifferent and almost giddy to get out and start the next relationship.  How sick!

Seriously. How did I miss these signs? Every indication this girl was trouble was present in the first few weeks of our relationship. I can't believe I ignored them and chose to play the role of White Knight.

[whitedoe]

My understanding is they let go way before you knew they did. They string it along until they are ready to let go. That is what makes it so easy. They enjoy the drama of the breakup also. If they have NPD traits you really see it here.

Sarcasm appeared in the hater stage in the last few weeks of the r/s.

I struggle with how she detached so quickly.  There must be a light switch in her head.  She knows it too.  She raged at me when I tried to get answers during one of our last encounters that she could LET GO and that I couldn't.  Well, it isn't that I can't Let Go... .I just don't do it in an instant especially when she was just discussing marriage plans, planning a vacation, and she was looking for places for us to move in together.  Three years down the drain without reason or provocation that I can recognize... .Unbelievable.  

Yes, OTH... .My therapist has helped me to see that my ex had been "disengaging" for some time. During what I now realize was his "idealization" phase, I remember something so clearly... .he would always be "clearing his throat"... .always "stammering" for words when he talked with me. He was almost "shy" around me... ."awkward", 'vulnerable"... .

Then, about a 1 1/2 year into our relationship, the "splitting" began (although I had no idea what was "wrong" with his 'bizarre" moods swings?) and I tried harder and harder to understand him, "help him", be there for him... .Well, the "throat clearing" disappeared around that time... .I was no longer "idealized", the tide began to change without any "warning/reason"?... .and from that point forward (according to my therapist) that was the beginning of the end... .My therapist tells me that his "disengaging" actually started from the very beginning of "us"... .It is a serious mental disorder. Yes, I believe my therapist is spot on... .

Yes, it IS mental illness and the most painful, helpless place to be - in love with a pwBPD/NPD... .And yes, my ex suffers from both BPD and NPD... .and his NPD was so unfathomable, no conscience, no remorse... .not an ounce of sensitivity or awareness of my feelings what so ever... .it is and always was 100% about him. So totally surreal... .

I was abruptly dumped (an incredible drama on Valentine's Day that I have posted about previously), completely cut out of his life and replaced within a few months (maybe less?) and he is now "in love" and it is as though "we" never existed... .I was emotionally "gutted" by this man that I loved, trusted and would have taken a bullet for? Aghh... .Yes, I clearly have some work to do on "me"... .

Yes, it IS very easy for a pwBPD and NPD to say "goodbye" and never look back... .It has been the most painful trauma of my entire life... .I am still struggling to recover from the pain of this... .but I'll get there... .We all will support each other... .

WhiteDoe

[redberry]

It's alright wahoo, we didn't know.  Had no idea such severe mental illness could slip right under my nose for such a long time with somebody I was dating!  Like you, I sensed some things were off, but it was too good (in the beginning) so I ignored thered-flag  s.  I tell you what, though, it won't happen again!

[Sailskier]

The signs... .there weren't any!

I was fed up and I took the engagement ring off and told him to contribute to the relationship... .if there were any signs, they came from me!  Was I serious?  I guess not... .I didn't expect my life to have changed to terribly.

The signs from his side, two weeks prior, were that "I was his fiance, the woman that he was going to marry and that I should be involved in a crucial decision on the future of his son".  The other sign was that he was spring cleaning the garage the day before he left.  The only real sign I had was that his bag was packed.

Now, I tells me that things haven't been "right" for the last six months... .wth?  Yes!  I know things weren't always rosie... .because of HIS behaviour and his outrageous demands.  I triggered his exit with my ultimatum to stay w me when things were at the lowest point (unrelated to him)

The signs aren't always clear... .

[Evelyn]

Thank you, I did reread it.  I should have stuck with my first instinct the first time he went cold and withdrew. I talked to him about it and he put it on me like I was overracting. (Then a few months later he told me how he was hurt at the time  ?)  Then about a month later when we didn't communicate for a couple of weeks - his behavior was very different and definately not romantic, talking about other women and so forth. Those aren't things he would even say before.

What I don't understand is, why when I first brought up 1) his distance and then 2) when it was obvious it wasn't romantic and I needed time to process the change and some distance (not cut off contact but just less contact) why would he not acknowledge or validate that and give it to me? Instead he would deny deny deny and say it was in my head and so forth and he had not changed. This was like a recurring conflict because when he would bring up certain subjects like romantic or sexual things with himself or other women I would feel hurt.  I was OK with us being platonic friends but I wanted 1) time to process the change and 2) less contact. I'm not comfortable sharing a lot with a male that is just a friend. I don't get it, do they like to play with your mind - why not say yes my feelings have changed or I didn't mean to hurt you or I understand. Every single time we would talk I would go away feeling worse.  Then it became I was the one that ruined his mood because I would bring up things between us and that was ruining things between us and "guilting" him.

Wow I'm seeing how disordered this really is. My other question is, since he didn't have a romantic interest, why does he care if I am meeting childhood friends? How does that make me an untrustworthy slut? I don't get it.

It was SO weird the way there were obvious changes/differences and when I would bring it up it was like he would deny it and even pull it out of context to say how ridiculous I sounded and so forth. Are they thought out of touch with their own feelings or do they just play games to keep you talking to them for who knows what reason? I don't get it -why just be upfront to say my feelings have changed or whatever but not deny but still show the obvious behaviors that the feelings have changed and the romantic interest isn't there.  The crazy thing is, before we were romantic I was the hesitant one and he spent so much time reassuring me.

Thanks for listening and for all the feedback.    

[gettingoverit]

My understanding is they let go way before you knew they did. They string it along until they are ready to let go. That is what makes it so easy. They enjoy the drama of the breakup also. If they have NPD traits you really see it here.

... .or they have found a new host that they can run too. I think my ex left our relationship a long time ago. She held on because she had a home with me, and a standard of living that she found comfortable. She only walked from our relationship when she discovered that my friend could offer her more, and she could start the Honeymoon phase all over again. My ex also complained that she hated break ups, yet went out of her way to make it the most intense, nastiest, bitter break up in history. Our break up did not need to be this dramatic. Her lies and deceptions is what took it to another level of craziness. I think she loved it, because it allowed her to be the victim over and over again, and my ex friend her hero who would come and rescue her. God it makes me sick!  

[Sailskier]

  He wrote to me that he doesnt want a personal goodbye

Same here w' me.  My T today tells me that chances are that he just doesn't want to hear or see me for fear that he'll change his mind.  My T tells me that from the emails he sent me, he can clearly see that my ex is saying that he is not good for me & that he is afraid of being in this relationship.  I understand now a bit better.  He is afraid of having to face his demons... .because... .I would force him to confront his behavior and feelings.

Strangely... .here is me... .a person that may now be able to understand him better than anyone else, he has discarded me. 

They chose to say good-bye so easily, because it's easier than to deal with their inner emotions.

[OTH]

They do have the tools emotionally for conflict resolution. They tend to take the path of least resistance. They tend to run from difficult feelings and emotions. When problems come up in relationships they are not able to deal with them in an adult fashion. That is what makes it so easy to leave and begin a new relationship. They become frustrated in long term relationships because it takes work and effort.

  He wrote to me that he doesnt want a personal goodbye

Same here w' me.  My T today tells me that chances are that he just doesn't want to hear or see me for fear that he'll change his mind.  My T tells me that from the emails he sent me, he can clearly see that my ex is saying that he is not good for me & that he is afraid of being in this relationship.  I understand now a bit better.  He is afraid of having to face his demons... .because... .I would force him to confront his behavior and feelings.

Strangely... .here is me... .a person that may now be able to understand him better than anyone else, he has discarded me. 

They chose to say good-bye so easily, because it's easier than to deal with their inner emotions.

[Ritchie53]

Amazing the intensity of these relationships, eh wahoo?  Mine had dramatic breakups too and OTH was spot on with the point that they spend much time ahead of the breakup detaching (and... . lining up the next victim).  All of this so that, when the breakup comes around, they're indifferent and almost giddy to get out and start the next relationship.  How sick!

This I can really relate to - on the final burst she saw that I was completely shattered and moved in for the kill big time. One thing I did ask was what about all the intimate moments we have shared? Her response was 'I cant remember them.' So goes to show she had already 'checked out' of the relationship long ago and was just starting new relationship with the once abusive ex.

2 days later I initiated no contact and not once reacted to the social media smearing I received - although I was devastated beyond belief, only a few people (my mum and three non mutual friends) knew how badly it affected me. Nearly 7 months on and I just hope that my no contact and walking away without any comment or bad feeling shows that I had strength of character and was indifferent to the proceedings. But something tells me it just shows that I did not care as it is and always will be, only about her.

[blissful_camper]

The push/pull dynamic is all about 'the test' ~ testing the 'nons' resolve and pushing boundaries to see how far they can push it.

As the relationship cycles the BPD bar is raised higher and higher ~ will he/she jump over this one? Will he/she stumble and finally in time clammer over it? The Borderline equates this with love ~ oh he/she did jump over it therefore they love me. This is a very immature way of relating however as we know BPDs emotional development is arrested at 3 yo.

The purpose of the 'push' is about control ~ the pulling back is also about control ~ so if you cant jump over the bar because its raised too high then either the Borderline pulls the pin or the 'non' does!

This is true.  My ex admitted to constantly testing me.  When I asked why, he said he was testing me to see what I would tolerate.  When asked if I had passed his tests, he said yes.  I requested that he not test me, and suggested channeling that energy in constructive ways.  The problem was that testing was how he determined someone's love for him.  One would think that once one "passed" all of those tests, there would be no need to test his partner any further.  Nope.  The "bar" was raised and the testing progressively worsened, until, as Clearmind pointed out, one or the other pulled the pin.  Sadly, it's almost like he wanted to prove to himself that nobody "loves' him.