intro

[wandafull]

My daughter has had various diagnoses, but now the primary one seems to be BPD. Looking back (and having read a few books) it is likely my mother is also, though she is not diagnosed. I would say if anything it is possible I had traits of BPD in my teens, but none now that I am aware of- though certainly my "world view" is tinged with that type of thinking. I have no formally diagnosed MI and never have (which I understand does not equal the absence of mental illness).

Not completely sure of the role of genetics and environment. I had wondered for some time if my daughter had been abused by someone and I hadn't known, but seeing my mother's traits more clearly with some distance and a lot of reading, I now really wonder about the genetics of this.

My daughter is now in her late 20's and I am feeling really worn out by the drama. I try to help and want to be there for her, but I am finding that my approach is coming at an expense to my own physical health, due to stress levels.

On the good side, she is in therapy and says she feels the benefit of it. I am hoping she keeps it up since her erratic lifestyle over about the past 8 years has not had her in consistent treatment. She will start, move somewhere and be out of treatment. I'm hoping since she feels the benefit, she will take the necessary steps to stick with it. Her lifestyle and choices (which seem to blow with the wind) still lack stability, but that's the nature of it I guess.

I'm tired and wanting to take measures so the whole thing doesn't burn me out. While I say I don't have any diagnosis myself, I would not be surprised if I could be depressed.

So yeah, I'm a big ball of fun   

Was very glad to discover this site. It is probably just what I need and hope to contribute to constructively. If I'm still kvetching non-stop in a month, remind me I said I would do that (contribute).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello wandafull

Glad to have you joining us!

I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter's illness.  I also have a daughter, now 18 that was diagnosed 6 years ago with emerging BPD/traits.

Most all of us parents wonder about the origin of this disorder.  Here is a great piece that can help you better understand:

Did I cause this? There is a link at the bottom where you can read what other parents say and some interesting statistics as well.

The Tools and Lessons to the right have many important topics that you can benefit from reading and participating in.  We are here to help you along the way. 

Taking care of yourself is paramount to learning new things and new ways of communication.  We are here to give you support in paying attention to your needs and desires. There is depression through much of our community so we understand that as well.  Have you considered working with a therapist to help you deal with the sadness and disappointment?  It really can be helpful.

Do you spend much time with your daughter? 

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi wandafull,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the site, and to say how much I admire your self-awareness, and your courage to look so honestly at things. I heard someone say that suffering occurs whenever we lack control over something. That can be anything from a red light when you're running late, to the excruciating pain of feeling we can't do enough for our kids. I notice for myself that the suffering seems to lessen when I acknowledge what I do have control over, which is usually just myself. Doing this has had a big effect on my son, which is the darnedest thing!

You mention that your daughter is in therapy, and that it seems to be helping. Does she acknowledge that she is BPD? Is she receiving any particular type of therapeutic approach, or taking any medications?

My son's psychiatrist talked about epigenetics with me -- which (as best as I can make sense of), is about how genes can change over time in response to the environment. So the DNA can be there, sleeping, and then certain expressions of that gene are triggered by environmental conditions. He even said there are studies about transgenerational influences, including how a traumatic experience in one generation can trigger fear responses in the next generations (those studies were done on mice, though, not humans). I found this describing epigenetics online:

"According to a popular metaphor, our genes themselves may be written in ink, but they're marked up in pencil—which can be erased and re-done. By developing drugs or treatments that modify these pencil marks, so the thinking goes, we can escape the limits imposed by our genes, which can't be changed."

Anyway. Sorry to get so nerdy about this. I felt really guilty about my son's depression and anxiety, and tried to figure out who caused it, who made it happen, who didn't fix it, and all kinds of things that just made me feel bad and didn't help S13. And I guess this view helped me realize that it's a dialog between genetics and the environment. Since I'm part of that environment, and I'm the only person I can truly control, I just decided to focus on what I can do, using tools and communication to try and improve what I could.

Care about your depression. If you dig into it, there may be a whole bunch of wonderful emotions buried in there that are ready to see the sunlight. I had this weird experience a year ago when I felt something and couldn't figure out what it was, and then realized it felt like a combination of happiness and pain, and my therapist said it sounds like joy, and that it hurts because you haven't felt it for so long