She decided that she could no longer fight the darkness...

[Parents! Get help here!]

hello!

I am a 58 year old woman who has spent her entire life with what used to be called 'weird' family members.  My father and mother (divorced when i was 6) both had OCD and other traits that are now recognized as disorders.  Had we only known back then!  Everyone in my family suffers from depression and various degrees of addictions to various 'things'.  It has always been thus.  But, since I didn't know that these were disorders, I thought that when I had children it would all be different and my children would grow up to be happy, well adjusted people.  

Imagine how it felt to realize that I was wrong, that many of our issues are hereditary disorders and not environmental/behavioral issues.  And that my children were carrying on the family legacy.

In 2011, during a particularly trying time in our life, our then 11 yo son presented with extreme contamination OCD.  We have spent the past few years helping him to gain control over his own mind and back into a life with some happiness and hope.  

Our daughter, now 24, had moved out and gone to University, graduated, moved again, broken up with her high school sweetheart and best friend.   She expected to reconciliate at some time in the future, move back to our little home town  and begin to raise a family with him.  In November 2014 he unexpectedly passed away.  Our world was shattered once again.  She thought she was coping, dealing with what she had researched on the internet and figured must be BPD and was trying to move through the heartbreak and grief.  They had been together for 10 years.  They didn't break up because they didn't love each other.

That is the set up.  Last month, Feb. 2015, she had returned to University to work on her masters degree, moved in with a new love, quit her horrible job as a producer at FOX and was working part time at a book store. But she was falling apart and couldn't gain any control over her rapidly deteriorating mental health. Then, she got a new puppy. I think he was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He had to leave his mother early and had baby dog issues.  Being a Malamute and her being all of 5 feet tall, tops, this is a HUGE undertaking and he required 'round the clock care. She had taken on too much, too soon. She decided that she could no longer fight the darkness in her mind and attempted to take her life and ended up in a facility for 6 days.  (The puppy is thriving now that she has made some more life changes, quit school and her job and is just staying home, going to therapy, taking yoga).  Hopefully, she will thrive as well.

And, so, here I am.  Here to learn how to help her through this successfully, whenever she needs me to be there for her.

I remember when I noticed that she was different.  She was days old.  I understood what the Celts were talking about in their tales of changeling children. It was as though the fairies had come and stolen my happy baby and left a dark, brooding baby in her place.  It was like night and day.  She has always been dealing with these radical mood changes and all that goes with BPD, but now she is finally understanding that she needs tools and therapy.

Thank you for 'listening'... .

Changing Woman

[ChangingWoman]

hello!

I am a 58 year old woman who has spent her entire life with what used to be called 'weird' family members.  My father and mother (divorced when i was 6) both had OCD and other traits that are now recognized as disorders.  Had we only known back then!  Everyone in my family suffers from depression and various degrees of addictions to various 'things'.  It has always been thus.  But, since I didn't know that these were disorders, I thought that when I had children it would all be different and my children would grow up to be happy, well adjusted people.  

Imagine how it felt to realize that I was wrong, that many of our issues are hereditary disorders and not environmental/behavioral issues.  And that my children were carrying on the family legacy.

In 2011, during a particularly trying time in our life, our then 11 yo son presented with extreme contamination OCD.  We have spent the past few years helping him to gain control over his own mind and back into a life with some happiness and hope.  

Our daughter, now 24, had moved out and gone to University, graduated, moved again, broken up with her high school sweetheart and best friend.   She expected to reconciliate at some time in the future, move back to our little home town  and begin to raise a family with him.  In November 2014 he unexpectedly passed away.  Our world was shattered once again.  She thought she was coping, dealing with what she had researched on the internet and figured must be BPD and was trying to move through the heartbreak and grief.  They had been together for 10 years.  They didn't break up because they didn't love each other.

That is the set up.  Last month, Feb. 2015, she had returned to University to work on her masters degree, moved in with a new love, quit her horrible job as a producer at FOX and was working part time at a book store. But she was falling apart and couldn't gain any control over her rapidly deteriorating mental health. Then, she got a new puppy. I think he was the straw that broke the camel's back.  He had to leave his mother early and had baby dog issues.  Being a Malamute and her being all of 5 feet tall, tops, this is a HUGE undertaking and he required 'round the clock care. She had taken on too much, too soon. She decided that she could no longer fight the darkness in her mind and attempted to take her life and ended up in a facility for 6 days.  (The puppy is thriving now that she has made some more life changes, quit school and her job and is just staying home, going to therapy, taking yoga).  Hopefully, she will thrive as well.

And, so, here I am.  Here to learn how to help her through this successfully, whenever she needs me to be there for her.

I remember when I noticed that she was different.  She was days old.  I understood what the Celts were talking about in their tales of changeling children. It was as though the fairies had come and stolen my happy baby and left a dark, brooding baby in her place.  It was like night and day.  She has always been dealing with these radical mood changes and all that goes with BPD, but now she is finally understanding that she needs tools and therapy.

Thank you for 'listening'... .

Changing Woman

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, ChangingWoman &

I'm so very sorry for all of your daughter's troubles, and the stress and sadness that they have brought to you and your family--and especially her. It's a terrible thing to watch our child do self-destructive things, hurting and clinging to a semblance of a "good life", while we feel like we can't do anything to help her. I know; my own adult (38) son was diagnosed with BPD two years ago, after a lifetime of dysfunction and trauma.

Thank God I found this site, read the links to the right-hand side of this page, and learned how his mind works and how I could help him by learning the communication tools and techniques that are in the TOOLS and THE LESSONS. I cannot tell you how much his life (and mine!) has changed in the two years I've been here and learned how to make things better for him, myself, and my whole family. I'm so very glad that you've found us, ChangingWoman 

She has always been dealing with these radical mood changes and all that goes with BPD, but now she is finally understanding that she needs tools and therapy.

This is the most hopeful thing... .Once my son was diagnosed (at a 21-day Intensive In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Center) and learned all about BPD, everything changed for him. He realized he had a problem, found out what it was, and then was anxious for the treatments and Therapies that would help him. After 2 years of DBT, Out-Patient Therapy, Neurofeedback Therapy and Psychiatric Therapy (all of which are ongoing), he is the happiest and healthiest he has been since he was little. And he wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD at this time; he is in recovery for that--as well as 2 years clean and sober from a multi-year Heroin addiction (which was the catalyst for the Dual Diagnosis Program admission).

Please hang in there, ChangingWoman... .read all you can on this site (check out the Feature Articles which are also linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting Board's thread listing page), and tell us more of your story. Is your daughter scheduled for any Therapy? Or does she already have a Therapist? Is she still living with her new boyfriend, or is she at home with you?

If she is cognizant of her problems and is willing to go to Therapy, try to make that happen before she changes her mind    Here are a couple of Feature Articles that can help you with that: Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy and Supporting a Child in Therapy for BPD. She is at a crossroads right now, and you can help her take the steps in the right direction... .

[Skip]

We're glad that she is now home and we are here for you, ChangingWoman.  We'll be with you both every step of the way.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Changing Woman,

Glad to have you here as our family member.

Your daughter has accomplished so much in her life already, how proud of her you must be! 

I hope that your d24 will participate in therapy very soon.  Have either of you done much research on finding a therapy program for your daughter?

Do you know what the discharge plans were after her inpatient stay... .? What they recommended for follow up care?

I look forward to reading your reply and learning more about you and your daughter so I can learn how to best support you.



lbj

[ChangingWoman]

And he wouldn't even be diagnosed with BPD at this time; he is in recovery for that--as well as 2 years clean and sober from a multi-year Heroin addiction (which was the catalyst for the Dual Diagnosis Program admission).

Is your daughter scheduled for any Therapy? Or does she already have a Therapist? Is she still living with her new boyfriend, or is she at home with you?

First, thank you all for your replies.  Rapt Reader, you have no idea how happy I am for you and your son!  My practically-son-in-law was a heroin addict.  That was the reason for their break-up.  He didn't pass away from an overdose of that because he was working towards being heroin free, he did die of an overdose of other things, beer and a couple of pain killers.  Such a useless tragedy, and he was an up and coming young professional hot shot firefighter. They have even named an annual award after him, they loved him so much.

She is still living with her new boyfriend.  He is very supportive and has the financial means to help her through this time. He is going to therapy with her, he also makes sure that she sees her therapist at least once a week.  At home, we are preparing a room for her since her brother has finally moved off of the dining room floor and into her old room (due to OCD not allowing him to have his own room) so she will have some options, other than joining the Israeli army!   

[qcarolr]

ChangingWoman - Welcome from me too.

I have to agree with others here - encourage her to persevere with her treatment plan. It is so good to know her bf is there for her in so many ways. This really makes such a gigantic impact. The resources here are excellent. As you work your way through them practice with everyone in your life. This has helped me so much in creating a much healthier relationship with my BPDDD28. She still struggles, though there is some new hope with a new bf there for her. I am healed enough to keep my cool regardless of her state of being. Then I can use the tools.

So many in your life struggle, especially your OCD son. It sounds like he has gained some healing as well.

How are you taking care of yourself? It is easy to put everyone else first and burn out. This was a hard lesson for me to accept. Now that I have reached out and created a network of support for myself and others in my family, things are much better with my DD. Do you need any support in this area?

I look forward to hearing how things are going.

qcr

[livednlearned]

I didn't know that these were disorders, I thought that when I had children it would all be different and my children would grow up to be happy, well adjusted people.  

Imagine how it felt to realize that I was wrong, that many of our issues are hereditary disorders and not environmental/behavioral issues.  And that my children were carrying on the family legacy.

Hi ChangingWoman,

I wanted to be part of the welcoming party 

I'm glad you found the site, and also relieved that your D is receiving the help she needs, and dialing things down to take care of herself.

What you wrote about your family, and thinking that things would be different when you raised your own kids -- I can really relate to that sentiment! I moved 3000 miles away from my family and somehow managed to carry the whole crew with me in one form or another. I believe that self-awareness is our kryptonite to mental illness, and that it's possible to change the family script. Not easy, but definitely possible.

I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how your daughter is doing, and how you're taking care of yourself.



LnL