email from friend w/BPD (long)

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My friend w/BPD ended our friendship (again) the day I moved to a new city about 2 months ago. He said I was a slut with a secret life and all sorts of insults and he didn't want a personal goodbye. (He did this on FBmail ) I tried to contact him after that to say it was a misunderstanding I had no secret life   etc but no response. It wasn't like I moved to the new city and forgot about him. Even driving on 95 with a child and 2 cats   the night before he did this,  I stopped at McD to get on the wifi before he went to bed to say GN.

The months before that final goodbye were painful -this board was invaluable to me helping me get through it. I don't want to go through all that again - no way.  If you would just read the email he sent me, it's like I'm being calleous or something and he is Mr Nice but there is so much history!

What on earth - leaving someone like that and then writing months later saying I want to say goodbye in a nicer way? I've had a male friend apologize before for how he treated me - (and it was months later) but it was a straight apology not tons of stuff with it like this letter. And what is the "do us both good?" It's like slap in the face, when was he concerned for my good?  Also the statement that we are both moving on. To me it's like a reminder that he abandonned our friendship and still doesn't want to be friends.  :'(  I just think if he was sorry he would just write that, ykwim? The "negative vibe" he writes about it is. I didn't send him a nasty gram back when it initially happened. Immediately I wrote back that I didn't have a secret life but there was no response to that.  About 2 weeks after he wrote me that goodbye email -it was clear to me he wasn't going to reply so I said my own final goodbye, that I had loved and cared for him, God bless etc.

edit: Just wanted to add - it wasn't his cutting me off so easily that was the worse part of it. It was the months before it, the withdrawl/coldness, guilting, silencing that was so difficult. It wasn't the  oh he doesn't want to talk to me anymore that was hardest part, but the withdrawl while we were still in communication that was so painful.

He is part of the email




I wish you and * a Merry Christmas and a great new year to come;

May there be good opportunities, good people and less troubles on your path.



I don't feel good about my last mail to you, which was written in a lot of anger.

If you want to, and allow me, in some time (not now), I will send you another mail, explaining things better from my end.

Not to find fault , re-open the old wounds, or vent more anger - or to restart our contacts like before

but because I agree our friendship deserved a more respectfull parting than the one we had,

and I believe there's a better way to explain things or at least a chance to view our time together as less negative.

The reason I didn't just send that already is because I don't feel it would be right to ignore you,

and then confront you with a mail again. That's not how it works. We're both moving on and I don't want to 'coercion' or

give you the impression I feel entitled to ignore you, but then get back in touch again 'when I like' .

I don't have that right after ignoring you and that's not how I am,


I couldn't have send it earlier or be in touch with you before; the past 2 months have been very hard for me and I had to get a lot sorted;

Our parting was something new for me to; it's not what I usually do or have done like that before.

Also I doubted because I feel by explaining myself more there's a danger we end up in new argument (as you will reply to mail, i will reply again etc.)

and that's not what I want, (without denying you the right to reply of course)

But I also feel a more just explaination could do us both good,


However, If you don't want to read it, or feel this matter is closed - which I would fully understand and respect -

I will not contact you again, nor think 'worse' about you if you feel the past is behind us.

In that case I want you to know that I don't look back at you in 'anger' and that I still am very glad about getting to know you,

and I genuinly hope that one day you can let me know things have fallen into place for the two of you;

and I hope by then I can say the same. There were many good things in us meeting, and I would like to value those,

instead of leave with that negative vibe like now.

We both deserve more than we're getting out of life now!

Be well and stay strong

[Evelyn]

My friend w/BPD ended our friendship (again) the day I moved to a new city about 2 months ago. He said I was a slut with a secret life and all sorts of insults and he didn't want a personal goodbye. (He did this on FBmail ) I tried to contact him after that to say it was a misunderstanding I had no secret life   etc but no response. It wasn't like I moved to the new city and forgot about him. Even driving on 95 with a child and 2 cats   the night before he did this,  I stopped at McD to get on the wifi before he went to bed to say GN.

The months before that final goodbye were painful -this board was invaluable to me helping me get through it. I don't want to go through all that again - no way.  If you would just read the email he sent me, it's like I'm being calleous or something and he is Mr Nice but there is so much history!

What on earth - leaving someone like that and then writing months later saying I want to say goodbye in a nicer way? I've had a male friend apologize before for how he treated me - (and it was months later) but it was a straight apology not tons of stuff with it like this letter. And what is the "do us both good?" It's like slap in the face, when was he concerned for my good?  Also the statement that we are both moving on. To me it's like a reminder that he abandonned our friendship and still doesn't want to be friends.  :'(  I just think if he was sorry he would just write that, ykwim? The "negative vibe" he writes about it is. I didn't send him a nasty gram back when it initially happened. Immediately I wrote back that I didn't have a secret life but there was no response to that.  About 2 weeks after he wrote me that goodbye email -it was clear to me he wasn't going to reply so I said my own final goodbye, that I had loved and cared for him, God bless etc.

edit: Just wanted to add - it wasn't his cutting me off so easily that was the worse part of it. It was the months before it, the withdrawl/coldness, guilting, silencing that was so difficult. It wasn't the  oh he doesn't want to talk to me anymore that was hardest part, but the withdrawl while we were still in communication that was so painful.

He is part of the email




I wish you and * a Merry Christmas and a great new year to come;

May there be good opportunities, good people and less troubles on your path.



I don't feel good about my last mail to you, which was written in a lot of anger.

If you want to, and allow me, in some time (not now), I will send you another mail, explaining things better from my end.

Not to find fault , re-open the old wounds, or vent more anger - or to restart our contacts like before

but because I agree our friendship deserved a more respectfull parting than the one we had,

and I believe there's a better way to explain things or at least a chance to view our time together as less negative.

The reason I didn't just send that already is because I don't feel it would be right to ignore you,

and then confront you with a mail again. That's not how it works. We're both moving on and I don't want to 'coercion' or

give you the impression I feel entitled to ignore you, but then get back in touch again 'when I like' .

I don't have that right after ignoring you and that's not how I am,


I couldn't have send it earlier or be in touch with you before; the past 2 months have been very hard for me and I had to get a lot sorted;

Our parting was something new for me to; it's not what I usually do or have done like that before.

Also I doubted because I feel by explaining myself more there's a danger we end up in new argument (as you will reply to mail, i will reply again etc.)

and that's not what I want, (without denying you the right to reply of course)

But I also feel a more just explaination could do us both good,


However, If you don't want to read it, or feel this matter is closed - which I would fully understand and respect -

I will not contact you again, nor think 'worse' about you if you feel the past is behind us.

In that case I want you to know that I don't look back at you in 'anger' and that I still am very glad about getting to know you,

and I genuinly hope that one day you can let me know things have fallen into place for the two of you;

and I hope by then I can say the same. There were many good things in us meeting, and I would like to value those,

instead of leave with that negative vibe like now.

We both deserve more than we're getting out of life now!

Be well and stay strong

[2010]

The reason I didn't just send that already is because I don't feel it would be right to ignore you,

and then confront you with a mail again. That's not how it works.

Evelyn, this person is unable to live properly. The control issues here are nonsensical, because he is confronting you with an email (this one) and he's telling you he's not ready to send the "official email." This in effect, kicks the can down the road, giving you "word salad" to chew on while keeping control of you with the nonsense that the "quality" of communication needs to be perfected and only dished out when he decides the time is right.

This is purely abusive psychologically to you, as it takes away any say (or personal power) that you might have concerning the closure. In fact, it's not closure, it's game playing.

Cut this loser out of your life as soon as you can. Make no mistake about it, the process will hurt, but it will also provide you with the ability to stand apart from the abusive aspect and measure it. You can then re-evaluate the relationship and find your Achilles heel (the area of vulnerability) where you became unsure of whether you are right or wrong. Game players want you to be questioning yourself. Trust me, it is within your right to cut this person off and not feel badly about it.

When people prevent communication by demanding that it only be done on their terms- the core wounding you feel is called "voicelessness." Usually this voicelessness stems from childhood and not being heard (nor understood) by people in charge. If you can accept the fact that some people (maybe even your parents) are voice hogs- you'll soon observe them everywhere. Voice hogs are controlling of others interpretations- which is a very dangerous thing. They manipulate others into thinking that *not* being heard is rational and they try to shame people into compliance.

This wasn't due to your faultiness. You merely became involved with a controller in order to learn a fine lesson about how to define yourself without letting the controller define you.

Merry Christmas to you. It will get better, I promise. Light a candle to represent the relationship, let it burn and mellow and then blow it out- the symbolic gesture can be soothing. The new and improved Evelyn in 2012 is going to put away these emails as proof that another person has some problems and it's not your fault.  

[katrinajusthitme]

If you have something to apologize for, do it in a straightforward fashion. This seems odd, to say the least.

[Evelyn]

ETA: Sorry, I thought changing the subject would change it for the thread so it would clear the update is at the bottom of the thread.


I started to skype with a friend

So I took this person w/BPD I wrote about earlier in this thread off of my skype contact this morning so I wouldn't be seeing his name when I opened my skype

Within 15 minutes I got this emai:

(Now mind you he had not skyped me since Oct  - I didnt block him or do drama or  message that you would expect a response from, I just clicked remove from contacts. I just didn't want to see him when I opened up to skype now.

Hello *,

I noticed you removed me of skype ; and also didn't reply to my e-mail.

I understand and respect that - and I believe indeed it's the wisest thing to do - and move on.

From that I also take it reading more from me is not what you want,

so I have decided not to send you the mail I promised to send earlier -

I have broken off our contact and now it shouldn't be picked up again - or make you feel you need to reply again

i just wanted to let you know some things in  that last mail (and I have), and had intended to write another mail,

out of respect for our contact over the past year and because I agreed the parting wasn't good -

but... .it went how it went , neither of us wanted or planned it like that,  and neither of us is served by re-opening wounds were both trying to close.

I hope things from here on go well/better for you and *, and sincerly wish you all the best -

despite our troubles I was glad I got to know you, and I believe you've got what it takes to get what you want-

may that bring you good people and (more) pleasant experiences in the future.

Be well and stay strong.

Goodbye.


*

[pallavirajsinghani]

Evelyn:  Do not reply.  Delete Delete Delete.

There is a great deal of power in letting go.  Disengagement is an act of power.  It is not defeat.

What will tempt you to reply is the social conditioning of being proper and nice and well-mannered.  Is someone says hello, we say hello back.  This is normal civilized behavior.  In this case however, a simple act of nicety will open a can of worms, a Pandora's Box.

So take power back, take control of your own emotional health and delete.

If you feel weak... .just come back to the board.  We collectively are your sanity... .and your spine.  :-)