is this response rational?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

ok. thanks to you all.  would like to hear more about your stories... .

captainkirkz?

Thanks for the response Anna.

Let me know what else you would like to know and i will fill you in! 

[captainkirkz]

ok. thanks to you all.  would like to hear more about your stories... .

captainkirkz?

Thanks for the response Anna.

Let me know what else you would like to know and i will fill you in! 

[johnc]

Anna, I'm sorry about your having to go through this. I sincerely am.

Just try to keep in mind that by reading his emails (and subsequently responding to them, with hope, admitted or not, for yet another response from him), you're simply accepting his invitation to dance.

And dance.

And dance ... .

Aren't your feet getting tired?

Boundaries in place or not, he will in all probability never, ever be what you want him to be.

And if you're not careful, neither will you.

[anna58]

2010, maybeso, johnc (i think i got your names right)--difficult but helpful responses.

the bottom line--why am i continuing to communicate with him? and, i do owe an apology for not making it clear that part of why i cancelled was my distrust of him (he'd extend his stay way too long).

yes, i am confused and struggling with this.

i know my issues are clearly coming into play--obvioiusly, i am choosing my actions, and they are consistent with problems i have.

i have trouble letting go. i tend to  want to see if there is enough there. i don't want to stop getting the positive stuff i get.

i haven't learned to just stop and walk away if a friendship isn't healthy for me. i always want to stay connected in some way, even if just occasionally and appropriately ( a real relationship with a man, we broke up. some people cut off all communication. we have remained friends in a healthy way). but i know my tendency is to stick, and walk away. i need more practice in walking away and moving on to something new.

am i on the wrong board here? maybe it's time to move to the board for people struggling with whether to leave.

right or wrong... .i emailed to apologize for not expressing my distrust over his being willing to leave when we'd planned. ( i said it better in the email). and that was part of why i cancelled our plans. the other reasons were also true--needing to recover my health and work because there were visitors on either end of that 10 day period he would be visiting.   and i acknowledged his distrust of me.

it was good just for me. healthy. to practice apologizing for not initially confronting the trust issue with him and making it clear how big an issue that was. didn't make it clear to me or him. i am responsible for that. a lesson i really need to learn.

the next step may be to stop altogether. i hope i am getting closer to the point of resolution, that living by my truth (acknowledging the distrust), brings me closer to that.

i'll admit some of the responses here felt harsh. i understand his anger. i don't understand the blame for an apt falling through that was scheduled for him to move into after our visit.

all these things are true: i should have lived by my truths more and communicated them. he was upset for a reason but then continued to blame me for parts of it that didn't involve me.  and, it's time to clear this up one way or the other and move on.

[diotima]

Anna: letting go of these r/s's is a process and I don't think anyone goes to bed one night and then wakes up in the morning and everything is over and resolved. Emotions take time and even though people have suggested that NC is the best thing for you, you may be needing to taper rather than total NC--and experience the difficulty of that. My letting go process was ragged to say the least. I would go NC and then weaken because I had been very committed to the r/s and wanted it to work despite how hopeless it all was--which I knew and was having trouble facing. I couldn't move any faster than I did but I did gather strength from people here, my T, and my friends and that was invaluable. You are where you are emotionally. I know that occasionally someone would ask me a pointed question, such as: "do you really want that in your life?" I had to think, suppress, think, suppress, etc. You might want to read posts on the board for people struggling to make a decision as well as the posts here. Do what you need for yourself and your own health.

I can only say based on my own experience that each time I had contact with my ex it ended up hurting me worse than if I had not had contact--because the back and forth and the arguments you can never win start up again. That being so, I learned that I needed to go NC and finally was able to do it.

Best to you,

Diotima

[OBcean]

Anna, I'm going back to the firs email you quoted, when he said,

I'm not asking you for anything. All you can do at this point is admit you gave me very little notice for whatever reason and acknowledge I have to deal with the consequences which I'm doing. "

I'd take him at his word.  He's "not asking you for anything (except an apology, which I think is entirely over the top.)  If he tries to blame you, or guilt you for not leaving up to save him, remind him of what he said. 

How important is he to you at this point in your life?  If it's all history, and no future that you can see, I'd drop him to position of "acquaintance," not friend, and see him every couple years or so.  You don't need this torment in your life.  And it's not up to you to save him from anything!  (I think Canada is lovely, btw.) 

[hijodeganas]

I also agree about the self-esteem thing. I think we often have to hit bottom before we can climb back up. Often we have to "break" our emotional fiber in order to allow it to heal and grow back even stronger.

That's a spot on analysis for me!

Especially when we are involved in what, compared to some is a relatively short BPD encounter. One where we enforce our boundaries pretty quickly and makes it virtually impossible to stay in a longer term r/s. They overstep the boundaries, we reinforce them and it ends up driving us mad because for us, either consciously or subconsciously they are violating our template as to what a 'normal' healthy r/s should be.

This is where the conflict occurs within us. We love them so much but know deep down that it is wrong for us and for them.

A question springs to mind on the back of that.

When it comes to the breaking of our emotional fibre ... .do you think that it maybe be that unconsciously we may sense that we have emotional weaknesses at various points, maybe to the point that is worn down so much it is becoming detrimental to our health and therefore that unconscious sense leads us to seek a way to 'bottom out' our emotions in order to build them back up again but better and much stronger?

Ok, on my computer now.

Yes, I strongly believe that.  I think our psyche is ALWAYS searching for aspects of ourselves that need work, and communicates it to us in unconscious ways.  A simple example is how our immune system weakens when we are depressed or sad, which in turn causes us to get sick, which in turn gives us the time to rest and be by ourselves and think about things, and work through the sadness rather than try and avoid it by working or going out.  I think it's all cause and effect.

I was moaning about my ex to a friend of mine about a month ago about how difficult my r/s was.  He said to me:

"You always said you wanted someone challenging.  Well, YOU GOT IT."

He was right.  The experience was my unconscious way of telling myself that I wanted something that was potentially going to be very detrimental in my life.

[captainkirkz]

I think our psyche is ALWAYS searching for aspects of ourselves that need work, and communicates it to us in unconscious ways.

I'm glad someone else thinks this too. I thought maybe i was reading too much into it. Thanks for the response hijodeganas! 

[hijodeganas]

I think our psyche is ALWAYS searching for aspects of ourselves that need work, and communicates it to us in unconscious ways.

I'm glad someone else thinks this too. I thought maybe i was reading too much into it. Thanks for the response hijodeganas! 

No problem. Sorry it was late. Your questions always make my head hurt. 

[captainkirkz]

No problem. Sorry it was late. Your questions always make my head hurt.  

Hah, they make mine hurt too!   No pain, no gain i suppose

[anna58]

wow. i'm still learning. cycling through i guess.

the best thing i'm doing is standing my ground. no visit here until he has a place to live. he doesn't like that.

i took the advice of one of the people who responded here--and apologized for not knowing myself well enough, early enough, to say that i was angry he didn't respect my boundaries before, so it came out, later, as part of the reason i cancelled my visit with him.

but... .and this is tough to say... .i'm not sure i did the right thing with this clarification/apology. there is such a thing as a pwBPD, and there are people withouth BPD. my communication may have worked with someone and willing to process what i said. not so with my friend.

rather alarmingly, he emailed how he is at the ritz and asked for free brunch for him and two friends. and they gave it to him. worth more than 200 bucks. as a former journalist he gets media rates for himself, and sometimes gets free or discounted things when he has a slight injury (slips on the floor or cuts his finger). i find this very very manipulative. he says the universe is sending these small blessings his way in this very difficult time.

that kind of thinking is freaking me out. the good news: i am seeing him much more clearly. he is at a distance geographically. and the longer without him, the stronger i get in my convictions and my detachment.

i haven't reached NC yet. it's not the right time for me yet. i am much less hooked in. not getting the co-dependent kick i used to get from the friendship with him that had its relationship-y feelings going on.

[Free One]

Good for you! 

[OBcean]

I think our psyche is ALWAYS searching for aspects of ourselves that need work, and communicates it to us in unconscious ways.

?

I'm glad someone else thinks this too. I thought maybe i was reading too much into it. Thanks for the response hijodeganas! 

I don't know that our psyche so much seeks the parts that need work; I think the pain we experience when we knock up against those bare spots triggers us to seek ways to stop it!

And that puts us on the road to healing, and growth.  IF we are smart, and paying attention.  And nons.  LOL 

[hijodeganas]

I think our psyche is ALWAYS searching for aspects of ourselves that need work, and communicates it to us in unconscious ways.

?

I'm glad someone else thinks this too. I thought maybe i was reading too much into it. Thanks for the response hijodeganas! 

I don't know that our psyche so much seeks the parts that need work; I think the pain we experience when we knock up against those bare spots triggers us to seek ways to stop it!

And that puts us on the road to healing, and growth.  IF we are smart, and paying attention.  And nons.  LOL 

I think this may be a semantic argument, but I believe my belief as to which is the cause and which is the effect has to do with my spirituality. I don't believe in coincidences and accidents. I believe there is a purpose or lesson to everything, and our unconscious is our guide to seeking out those lessons. I believe we manifest what we really, deep down, want, sometimes to learn that what we want and what is best for us are not always the same thing.

I believe this applies to everyone, regardless of whether they are non or not. I believe there's a reason my ex met me, as well. But, as you said, she has to be open to that if she's to learn from it.

[OBcean]

Me, too, anna, and I'm sorry if I'm splitting hairs with the semantics.  Bad habit of mine.  Long story, but I'll try to lighten up!   

[hijodeganas]

Me, too, anna, and I'm sorry if I'm splitting hairs with the semantics.  Bad habit of mine.  Long story, but I'll try to lighten up!   

Dunno if this was directed at me but if it was no problem. I'm an English major, I love semantics.