Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 01:44:27 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm Convinced the New Relationship is Perfect  (Read 4205 times)
nestasage

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 19


« Reply #60 on: January 18, 2012, 08:54:24 PM »

I fear the same thing. I am irritated to think he is comparing the new women he is meeting to me, and and thinking how much they are better than me. I hope I get to the point where I could care less what he thinks.

Also, I am a young woman and I would never text someone and not respond. My sister would and she has BPD.
Logged
avoidatallcost
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 454



« Reply #61 on: January 18, 2012, 10:22:31 PM »

This ignoring my messages when I respond to something she sent me first is something I will never understand.  Why do this to people, months after the relationship has ended?  It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

  I totally understand this senerio and why. My exBPDgf did this. Ok she cheated on me several times and we broke up and got back together several times. During breakups I would get these texts and I would respond as you did and then nothing. Irritated the hell out of me... but this is what was happening... .it was during this time she was painting me black to the new person... "seeee she wont leave me alone?" The new person never bothered to ask "well what did YOU say to her?" See I caught her doing this when we were back together. She had told me the person she cheated on me with wouldnt leave her alone now. I said "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THIS OTHER PERSON FIRST?" All hell broke lose. I saved her in the beginning of our r/s and several times after that when we would break up and get back together. Id be told that other person was abusive... .which btw is probably what your ex is telling her new man about you... .and he is taking "good" care of her. She'll break him like a twig just like she did you.

BPD doesnt go away. Its there forever unless they get help. This guy will go through what you have eventually. Its sad. 

suzn, this is a great new perspective regarding the messaging.  I hadn't thought of that before, and that may be just one of the other reasons they do that.  So far, I have concluded the 4 main reasons that our BP exes call/text us and then ignore our responses is:

1. To hurt us by prolonging our agony in the aftermath of the breakup.

2. To see how we're doing ie whether their egos can be satisfied because we are collapsing.

3. To keep us "on the shelf" in case their current relationship doesn't work out.

4. To gain sympathy with the new guy/girl they're seeing and set them as their new "rescuer."

As for this thing going away if they don't get treatment, I'm still on the fence about this.  My ex was seeing a psychiatrist regularly and had just started taking a very effective new anti psychotic medication.  But even though it helped big time with her moods and day to day behavior, in the end the therapy/drug combo did nothing to prevent the mainline BPD behaviors such as mean putdowns, push-pull tactics, silent treatments, ignoring, mind games, triangulation (read definition), cheating, etc and all the other really good features of the cyclical BPD relationship.  The only thing that changed was that she was not quite as withdrawn as she usually was.  This, no doubt, was a result of the meds controlling her depression and hypomania.  In other words, the drugs treated her bipolar symptoms, but not her more serious borderline symptoms.  The therapy she was receiving, whatever it was, in my mind only made her hate me more and blame me for everything in her life.  She even told me her therapist hated me too Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

As someone once told me, a pill cannot fix a relationship. 

Logged
slvr6543
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 161


« Reply #62 on: January 18, 2012, 10:38:52 PM »

My ex told me my friends, her parents, her little girl and all her friends couldn't stand me. I knew her family but they lived in another state and I had a great time everytime we went to visit them. Her little girl would look for me everytime she came home from visiting her dad. She didn't have any friends but the guys who were trying to get in her pants. She said my friends would tell her stuff about me all the time. You cant listen to these people. They just try to say the meanest things to hurt you. This nut went as far as to tell me my own parent's wanted to put me in re-hab for alcohol. What a moron. I just laughed in her face. She said I was ugly and dressed funny. She said I was old and she hated me. She said I will never get another girl in my life. LMAO I could tell ya a whole lot of other funny mean crap she said.

The one I like the best is that my voice is the most irretating thing she has ever heard. My tone is bad.
Logged
bpdlover
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1107


« Reply #63 on: January 19, 2012, 12:28:45 AM »

They love tone of voice issues. So did my ex's Mum. They are just sad pathetic creatures with no tolerance for human behaviour. What does that say about them? Your ex and mine sound similar. There were so many disdainful put downs I lost count. She also bagged her ex out all the time, then started talking him up before she dumped me, telling me how physically muscular he was and that he worked out every day. I could tell she was sizing him up for re-seduction despite him already moving on with another girl. It is a living hell inside that world.
Logged
slvr6543
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 161


« Reply #64 on: January 19, 2012, 12:47:26 AM »

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... yep, mine was no different. she dogged him saying he was gay and a petifile then told me in the end that I was worse than him. Not that I have anything against gays. I was just saying what she was. crazy i tellya
Logged
bpdlover
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1107


« Reply #65 on: January 19, 2012, 12:57:27 AM »

It is so crazy. My ex entertained another guy in her house for a weekend, even telling me he slept in the same bed as her (but nothing happened) and told me I had nothing to fear about her being involved with him because he didn't like onions in his sandwiches. One day she would tease me and say how hot he was, the next that I was over reacting and they were friends. One day I called her and she was out shopping with him after one of our infamous semi break ups and she was pregnant at the time. She joked about how he could see her naked body under the dress that was blown up by the wind. Friends without boundaries. Sure, I was convinced she was faithful. The way she bagged the ex you could tell she liked him. Ok, like is a strong word, needed him maybe. I really hope she didn't screw up his post BPD relationship but I get the feeling that turned to dust. There's no telling what she will do next. Just hope I stay off the radar. Trying to get visitation rights to see my child and may have to go through the courts. Can't wait to see her.
Logged
yianks69
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 455


« Reply #66 on: January 19, 2012, 03:14:53 AM »

She said I will never get another girl in my life.



I heard the exact thing myself! She also added that ‘I am the best you will ever meet’.

Yeah right….the ‘best’ (by far) in turning my life upside down!

Logged
hangintherebaby
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 130



« Reply #67 on: January 19, 2012, 04:06:01 AM »

Avoid,

My heart goes out to you... .I so wish for you this:

The true desire to let go... .

"She" has a cushion... .her 1 hundred millionth fall guy... .

It may look better but it is not... .

To truly let go you must want to move on and exercise love of self... .and with technology this is extremely possible... .

It is possible to block her # from your cell and block her ability to email. With technology today we can do this. And, if they find a new # to call us from we can block that, as well. My cell phone carrier allows me 5 #'s to block at a time, and I have used all 5. My email provider allows me an infinite amount of emails to block.

But, this is a choice only you can make. And when I see people on here constantly complaining about being contacted by their X and they have not taken these measures, it tells me they want and need to stay in contact and to have the chaos in their head and hearts. (I'm not judging when I state this)

If you truly want to move on you must remove ALL possible communication. With technology this is quite simple and swift and possible to do.

Now, with your heart... .perhaps, not so easy to do.

My 2 cents worth is, if you want to move on and attack the true problem (your obsession with another human being) remove all possibilities of contact and then seek help and figure out what this is about for you... .

She is not responsible for your unrelenting attachment to her. Though, she is quite aware of it ;o)... .I assure you... .she knows her prey... .

You are so very loved and important to this world, to us, your co-hearts of people that care about others to the extent we sometimes put them first... .

It is time to put yourself first (and this is OK!) for we are no good to anyone when we don't love and respect ourselves... .

Blessings to you and may you find strength to let go... .just as you would advise a friend... .tell yourself it is time say goodbye and give this woman no means of contacting you... .you deserve to be loved... .

Is love going to happen when your heart yearns for another, who loves and is with another?

I think not... .

There are millions of beautiful and wonderful women out there undiscovered by you.

You are wasting precious time and energy over someone who is not available.

Seriously! If this were a friend, wouldn't you want to just, I don't know, slap them silly, because they were being so re dic ulous, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!

Hugs... .Peace... .and LOVE... .from the 60's haha!

Logged
ithurts2much
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66



« Reply #68 on: January 19, 2012, 04:56:09 AM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Now, at the end of the day, you shouldn't worry. She'll do the same to the next guy. More importantly, you shouldn't worry because she's not your problem anymore. You don't need to worry about her, you need to worry about yourself.
Logged
yianks69
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 455


« Reply #69 on: January 19, 2012, 05:53:31 AM »

ithurts2much... .this is a great insight and very helpful to many of us who think their acting out will stop just because they met someone new.

Jumping from one r/s to another in no time is, by itself, a clear indication that pwBPD don't go through proper healing, will never grow up and will indefinitely feel emptiness and inner pain.

Whenever I hear stories about a pwBPD moving fast to someone else I just add the number by one of the total members of this community.

Logged
johnc
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 84


« Reply #70 on: January 19, 2012, 09:34:04 AM »

My ex entertained another guy in her house for a weekend, even telling me he slept in the same bed as her (but nothing happened) and told me I had nothing to fear about her being involved with him because he didn't like onions in his sandwiches.

I'm not sure which would be more alarming ... .

If this was a lie ... .or if it were true.
Logged
JJay
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 159



« Reply #71 on: January 19, 2012, 10:41:22 AM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Now, at the end of the day, you shouldn't worry. She'll do the same to the next guy. More importantly, you shouldn't worry because she's not your problem anymore. You don't need to worry about her, you need to worry about yourself.

This is really a perfect post and hopefully an eye opener for anyone here doubting, because it's 100% TRUE! I experienced the same sh#t. Either with me or for example her ex, most of the time she was unhappy, yelling, raging, crying and even cutting herself. But nobody on the outside (especially family members) were aware of this and she acted very happy towards them. Same for social stuff like FB. Always placing nicest and cutest pictures, posting the sweetest comments. It seems so perfect, but don't be fooled!  
Logged
slvr6543
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 161


« Reply #72 on: January 19, 2012, 11:55:07 AM »

@yianks

Actually she said I would never get anyone like her or better. You hit the nail on the head. I was also like. "you right, I WILL NEVER GET ANYONE LIKE YOU. Your crazy.


@Ithurtstomuch

Extremely good insight. That is the perfect example of what goes on in the "I KNOW THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT"

What else would you expect them to say? You think they are going to tell you that their life is miserable with the new guy? HELL no. They are sick not stupid. Upon leaving they want to inflict as much pain and chaos in your life as they can. And why wouldn't they, We are evil and deserve punishment for trying to help. We deserve to be belittled, smeared, split black and tortured. They can't exist one moment without us knowing how happy they are so they can drive that steak right through our hearts just so they can get some sick gratification. These people are never happy.

Look at it this way. WE/US Will get better with time and self help and move on to more healthy relationships. These people will NEVER get better. They will live in this HELL forever unless they take responsibility for their illness.

When you guys get through this and meet someone you really care about and are happy. Think back to all of this and say to yourself "You know, I am Better" . I can promise you someone else will be on these boards heartbroken over a girl and guess who the girl is going to be?,  All of our exes.

I personaly cant wait for this day.

great thread
Logged
slvr6543
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 161


« Reply #73 on: January 19, 2012, 11:57:58 AM »

I meant girl/guy . I just have a habit of saying girl because i never went out with a guy... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Logged
Komo

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Separated 8 months
Posts: 43



« Reply #74 on: January 19, 2012, 01:49:18 PM »

If this helps you:

When my BPD ex broke up with her ex (before me), she moved onto me immediately. She broke up with him to be with me after knowing me for only a few days. I looked a few months back on her Facebook and it was obvious she had led him to believe that he was "perfect" for her, and that they were going to be together forever and get married.

So she moves on to me. He was absolutely devastated. She and I got along wonderfully - I guess because she was using mirroring and moulding herself around me. She definitely displayed red flags of a BPDer early, but she did a great job of manipulating those to look like they were my fault. As time went on, even months before our breakup, our relationship probably looked "perfect" from the outside. She was ACTING like it was perfect to other people, while behind closed doors I was getting yelled at and she was crying her eyes out on practically a daily basis. Over nothing.

Her ex just saw a "perfect" relationship from the outside. He saw her never faltering, never being upset, all over her new AMAZING man. It was a sham. She walked out and said I hurt her more than she's ever been hurt in her life. On to the next victim.

Mine did exactly the same! Like in EXACTLY! It's uncanny how similar they are!

When she broke up with her husband she immediately moved in with me and ranted and raved at him while telling me that I was the sweetest, most wonderful man she has ever met and that she wants to grow old with me. She called me lovy and sweety.  Eight years down the line, I was ranted and raved at, I was told that I am like an 80 year old man, I was gaslilghted, and when I eventually discovered that she was with another man, she unashamedly told me that he makes her laugh. He was almost half her age by the way. From his reactions towards me I also knew that she told him that I used to hit her (she told me the same story about her ex 8 years ago).

The more I think of it the more convinced I am that they are scamsters who just suck up everything that they can from us and then move on.

Logged
ithurts2much
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66



« Reply #75 on: January 19, 2012, 01:54:35 PM »

I'm not really of the opinion that my ex is purposely doing anything to hurt me. I think she's just mentally unstable. She probably really does think she has intense feelings of love during the infatuation period. But ultimately that comes crashing down (which she has no control over) and her attempts to maintain the relationship after this period are emotionally torturous to her. This is where she begins to form the opinion that I was a horrible man.

Whether or not she hates me now, her emotional attachment isn't fully gone. You can hate someone and still be emotionally attached. So she keeps playing the push pull game she played throughout our entire relationship, but this time she's only doing it to check up and make sure I'm still "available".
Logged
an0ught
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5050



« Reply #76 on: January 19, 2012, 02:56:24 PM »

Staff only

Good discussion. Thread has reached four pages and is now locked. Feel free to just start a new ones... .

Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!