Poll: BPD and cheating without remorse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The lack of remorse with the cheating does seem astonishing. My pwBPD constantly has multiple emotional affairs on the go, some of which do become more physical. Her goal seems to be to get people to fall in love with her and tell her she is gorgeous. If the other person gets too demanding she usually ghosts them and is very dismissive when they try and process their feelings of confusion or hurt. She will switch overnight from all-day (literally) texting, messaging, snapchat, calling and sometimes physically seeing people to nothing. And then laugh that she is terrible like that. However if they ghost her (after all, she gets played sometimes too!) that provokes a full episode with suicidality and violence.

I am in the process of trying to extract myself from all of this. I do understand it is part of her disorder, to try and fill her void with attention and she pursues sexual attention in particular, but it is non stop. There is a limit to how much time I can spend sitting next to my SO on the sofa while she is texting men pretending to be single and interested in a relationship with them... .! Especially since we are lesbians!

[Waveney]

The lack of remorse with the cheating does seem astonishing. My pwBPD constantly has multiple emotional affairs on the go, some of which do become more physical. Her goal seems to be to get people to fall in love with her and tell her she is gorgeous. If the other person gets too demanding she usually ghosts them and is very dismissive when they try and process their feelings of confusion or hurt. She will switch overnight from all-day (literally) texting, messaging, snapchat, calling and sometimes physically seeing people to nothing. And then laugh that she is terrible like that. However if they ghost her (after all, she gets played sometimes too!) that provokes a full episode with suicidality and violence.

I am in the process of trying to extract myself from all of this. I do understand it is part of her disorder, to try and fill her void with attention and she pursues sexual attention in particular, but it is non stop. There is a limit to how much time I can spend sitting next to my SO on the sofa while she is texting men pretending to be single and interested in a relationship with them... .! Especially since we are lesbians!

[Cromwell]

Very insightful posts and great topic.

I picked "highly suspicious" which was the best fit, although I continually make reference on these boards that my ex has cheated. It is more to do with all the evidence being there but not having complete proof, this actually made it all the more difficult for me emotionally and still does even after the R/S finally ended. It led to the situation where I was still able to stay with her because she knew that if I was to confirm it, I would have ended it.

I very much relate to what avoidatallcost said, I got the feeling by her behaviour around that time towards me that she had set her mind against me, for perceived faults, and this absolved her temporarily of having any responsibility for going elsewhere. It was the first time that I experienced this and it came as a huge shock, as our R/S up to that point had been great, and even early on the day, on the surface she was her usual self, everything was fine, although she did become unusually nervous when she left my house and exhibited nervous tension which she never had before.

I will likely never know what really happened or why, and I realise that actually, thats ok, because ive got over it and accept it. I maybe dont really want to know what she felt about me if she had painted me black or her justifications. I notice so far that the poll leads with "highly suspicious", I wonder if this affected those people as much as it has done to me in the sense that you never really get to know the truth, and how this plays on the mind especially if you choose to continue the R/S onwards from that point.

[zachira]

As a woman, I try to be open minded about different kinds of relationships including ones that do not include monogamy. Over the years, I have met many people who have relationships outside their marriages, and I have found by getting to know some of these so called cheaters or open marriage people, that nearly every single one of them has challenges with empathy, connection, and that they all seem to be looking for the next relationship as a way to fill an inner emptiness. People with BPD do have problems with feeling empty inside, and often look for a new relationship to fill the inner void, which of course never works for long.

[mylovewbpd]

GonnaMakeIt, I hope you're ok.  14 years is a long time but you are right... .without trust, commitment and loyalty there is no relationship. I'm sorry you had to go through all that but you are just as your name indicates... .you are gonna make it and thrive after all is over.  I just served my spouse with the divorce papers and finally see an end in sight.  We are currently not talking which makes me sad on one level but helps me escape the unnecessary drama.  I am moving soon after the divorce is finalized so that I can start over and have less around to remind me of our relationship.  Good luck to you!

[Husband321]

In my opinion they always need a back up to feel safe. Even if this person has been gone for months or years, they will still feel they can go back to that person at one point.  Which I feel is why many BPD women try the pregnancy trap.

I know my ex wife changed overnight when her ex husband moved across the country and remarried. Then it was just her and I. Which means she had to try and frantically find a new potential back up. She didn't really want her ex, but she also went to great lengths to destroy his new marriage. (Things like befriending new wife over time and giving her money for divorce. Her own place etc) extreme manipulation 

As for cheating that was always my fault for some reason. Or I should have sympathy for her. "Well I gave my number to 20 guys on the internet because I missed you so much and needed a distraction"

Never remorseful.

[Cromwell]

I dont feel as if my ex would regard it as "cheating" in the normal sense of the word, but when the circumstances were there was an overwhelming need fulfillment. I was her friend for a number of months before the relationship and unbeknownst to me she had started a relationship and an hour after sex she started crying and I discovered she had cheated on him. So there was an element of shame or remoarse, but at the moment in time she did it impulsively. Then having to go back into the relationship and hide the fact, the easiest way is to bury it away or find an irrational reason that gets blame shifted for the behaviour on to the partner instead.

Once that stage is reached, triangulation is already established with the advantage of "hedging the risk" of being failed emotionally by a single source.

[Shawnlam]

I didn’t read all 7 pages but I’ll answer as to why they cheat.Its a two part answer and really not much more complicated than what I’m going to write .
1: they have zero impulse control and hence to them sex is a way to fill an emotional black hole(as is drugs,booze,gambling,driving recklessly) not all are the same but sex seems very prevalent over most of the others. .Sex to them holds no intimacy or love value because they are incapable of both of those things.To them giving their bodies away for fleeting moments of sexual emotion that pulls them out or away of having to think or be alone with themselves is as easy as normal people ordering a cup of coffee at a Dunken  donuts or Tim Hortons.God forbid whoever is giving them attention might not like them if we don’t put out so they put out.
2: They lack self ,and they hate themselves.When normal people meet someone new they use charisma ,talk a bit about what they like ,hobbies,pet peeves etc.What happens when you have none of those because you spend your existence mirroring everyone? You have nothing to offer in the short term(first date), so what do they do? Yup have sex with their new attention giver.Once they have more time to mirror you and wrap more web around you then sex is less of a tool but a tool none the less .Its not for no reason that most are exceptionally good at sex, it’s intoxicating to an extent how talented they are at it .But in the short term once the crazy comes out,you realize it’s just not worth it , and the physical risk is extreme as they have no quarrels with sleeping with strangers unprotected, so keep safe out there people and get tested often ( I did get tested after I ended it and even during when I found out how many people she had been with)

That’s it really ,it’s that simple as to why they are like this there is no special case usually outside these basic elements that make up part of the horrible illness of BPD .

[Husband321]

I didn’t read all 7 pages but I’ll answer as to why they cheat.Its a two part answer and really not much more complicated than what I’m going to write .
1: they have zero impulse control and hence to them sex is a way to fill an emotional black hole(as is drugs,booze,gambling,driving recklessly) not all are the same but sex seems very prevalent over most of the others. .Sex to them holds no intimacy or love value because they are incapable of both of those things.To them giving their bodies away for fleeting moments of sexual emotion that pulls them out or away of having to think or be alone with themselves is as easy as normal people ordering a cup of coffee at a Dunken  donuts or Tim Hortons.God forbid whoever is giving them attention might not like them if we don’t put out so they put out.

Exactly.  Cheating and sex for them is like other people shaking hands. Which is why it is even scarier for an attractive BPD woman.  Men can do the same. But not nearly as easy.

The more hurtful part, at the time, was that I could understand why some people cheat.

Perhaps a guy who always travels for work and never sees his wife. A guy who cheats. A guy who gives his wife little attention.

The double whammy is they suck up all of your affection and attention THEN cheat   While then making an excuse, and blaming you fo why they had to do so.

[Shawnlam]

Exactly.  Cheating and sex for them is like other people shaking hands. Which is why it is even scarier for an attractive BPD woman.  Men can do the same. But not nearly as easy.

The more hurtful part, at the time, was that I could understand why some people cheat.

Perhaps a guy who always travels for work and never sees his wife. A guy who cheats. A guy who gives his wife little attention.

The double whammy is they suck up all of your affection and attention THEN cheat   While then making an excuse, and blaming you fo why they had to do so.

My ex never blamed me she just lied which was one of her great talents ,not so much because she was good at it more because she just did it always .If she didn’t lie it was denial which frankly seems worse to me than a sub par creative lie ,lies require effort .Last weekend when we went to eat she actually quoted this sentence “ I don’t remember sending you a text that we broke up?” .The weekend she actually did break up with me she spend it with her ex boyfriend who she also quoted during our dinner saying “ mr xyz is not a man who will raise two kids and be a good husband , he’s only good for wrapping a belt around my neck and fxxxking me with no emotion”. Yes she actually said this but denied “seeing him that weekend “ but forgot about the text she send me 1 month ago saying yeah me and him had a long conversation about the bs me and her went through.I blew off all her attempts at a reaction from me , internally I was just shaking my head with pity towards her.Pity because it was sad to watch someone trying to skate with ski boots , and pity because she had no idea I saw her game from A-Z .

It’s moments like those that just confirmed to me thank god! I didn’t continue with her .

[Cromwell]

It does have an affect on their side emotionally as well though. Im not sure if remorse is the most accurate word but possibly when the consequences of having been found cheating and the discard that follows, it is that zone of emptiness that forces to confront maybe not remorse because it gets projected as the blame on the other, but beneath that defence mechanism can be a lot of pain for losing the other who they have emotionally fixated on. Its why I think I was in the circumstances at that time to get into a relationship with her, it soothed those feelings by adapting to me - I was simply available and she didnt have a prior opportunity to triangulate and have a Plan B to fall on. She had her moments of drunken rageful projections against her ex but in the first few weeks I recall her stating that he had messed her up emotionally in a sort of half pining, half having to attribute failure to her emotional conflicts to him.

So all the idolisation and adoration I got, which I believed to be all about me, I feel in hindsight was just a heavy displacement of those emotions she couldnt handle. "i love you" love bombed as a form of desperation hook. As time goes on object permenance kicks in, they forget what happened perhaps moreso, they forget almost the existence of that person, they adapt to your personality, then it only takes new circumstances for repeating the same again. After all, the relationship was never rooted in true love in the first place, regardless of how authentic albeit unrealastic it all came across - "loved as a temporary soothing saviour" is the way I start to see it. Even in my last talks with her the theme of "saving her" is what predominated as it had done previously, which I cant blame her, I had assumed that role in so many ways, she is only reflecting what she remembered. The fact I stayed with her despite the obviousness of her cheating, gave the wrong signal to alleviate much of the guilt. "he stayed, so I couldnt have hurt him that badly".

On the other hand, when I slept elsewhere (not cheating, I split up) she didnt loathe me but the woman I slept with, despite neither of us doing anything wrong. Why? because she was seen as a threat and an opportunity for me to detach from being that saviour role. Thats when the phone stalking soon after started, the paranoia I would cheat on her intensified, and no doubt, she will have also cheated and triangulated elsewhere realising I wasnt as low of a risk of leaving as she thought I was.

Its no coincidence that so many write of the shock of all this happening at what seemed the height of the honeymoon phase, everything was great, no cause for concern. I think that is where the height of vulnerability and engulfment feelings kick in and there is a need to emotionally distance, so infidelity is a good tool for that purpose. Thats my observation based theory anyhow.

[zachira]

For future relationships, I find a good thing to explore is does this potential partner have any remorse about how they treated their last partner? If he/she was the victim, and the partner could not do anything right, than this potential partner will not take responsibility for their part in the things that go wrong in the relationship. Look for someone who is humble, honest, caring, and able to work through the disagreements that naturally occur in any relationship if it lasts long enough.