Do pwBPD break up marriages on a routine basis?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The reason I ask is that I had along talk with a guy today, who said they typically will go after married men, try to move in and take everything to validate themselves and short cut their way into a nice house. He said his brother was married, met a women at their office, had an affair, then was dumped when the women with BPD immediatly tried to move in, ask him to marry her way too early,and when he could make a logical legal filing for divorce in normal fashion, she bolted on him 2 weeks after the divorce,and ran off with some guy who was wealthier, although his bro was wealthy too. His brother ended up having a nervous breakdown over it, and had not heard from her ever since. He said his brother was loyal his entire marriage until he met this woman and his entire family warned him of all the red flags. He is in T, but lost half of everything and  still doesnt know what hit him. His ex wife is now wanting to get back together,so there might be a reconciliation. She was a T herself, and knows about BPD. Strange why she would participate in breaking up his marraige and then dump him once it was done.

[cheaptrick]

The reason I ask is that I had along talk with a guy today, who said they typically will go after married men, try to move in and take everything to validate themselves and short cut their way into a nice house. He said his brother was married, met a women at their office, had an affair, then was dumped when the women with BPD immediatly tried to move in, ask him to marry her way too early,and when he could make a logical legal filing for divorce in normal fashion, she bolted on him 2 weeks after the divorce,and ran off with some guy who was wealthier, although his bro was wealthy too. His brother ended up having a nervous breakdown over it, and had not heard from her ever since. He said his brother was loyal his entire marriage until he met this woman and his entire family warned him of all the red flags. He is in T, but lost half of everything and  still doesnt know what hit him. His ex wife is now wanting to get back together,so there might be a reconciliation. She was a T herself, and knows about BPD. Strange why she would participate in breaking up his marraige and then dump him once it was done.

[bpdlover]

It's true. I was in an unhappy marriage and separated when my ex came into my life. She seemed intrigued with my relationship breakdown. I was her friend for over a year while this was going on. I was confused after a while because I only wanted to be friends with her and then after we started talking more, I expected her to tell me to sort myself out, get free of things and give her a call. It was the other way around. I became involved with her, moved out while going through the divorce process and she decided that after that, she would break it off. It took five weeks for her to even see me after I moved out. She loved talking about what I was going to do with the house and even invited herself down on many occasions. She wanted to do it in just about every room. She seemed to like the conflict also as she was married when she first spoke to me. She divorced her ex by tricking him into signing papers at the airport on his way to work. In the end, she got the RO on her ex after she divorced him, just to be sure she didn't call him again and then, we got involved after a couple of flings she told me she had. When she was done with me, the ex was back phoning her as the RO had expired and she was into him for more money. I think she seduced him but I can't be sure because I suffered the same fate as him, an RO, locking me out for two years. Never found out what happened. Wonder if she'll call me when it expires? Please no! They love a good mess because they can hide their illness in it without too much of it being detected.

[2010]

Reality is not preferred by the Borderline. When a Borderline learns to split off the uncomfortable reality or “dissociate” from their experience they usually do so by focusing on creating an “unreality” or fantasy.

People often leave their Spouses emotionally but not physically.  They enter into another relationship (triangulation (read definition)) to take away their abandonment anxiety. Rather than address the pain they are in- they take to a third party to self medicate their abandonment pain.

Addictions here are called the “fantasy” addictions and often accompany arousal and obsession. Living in a fantasy world when things are tough.  Lost in fantasies often rather than deal with real life.  Hooked on “romance” as a way to avoid problems.  And a problem with “putting off” important tasks, such as divorcing a spouse while living a double life.

Due to the developmental arrest of the ego, Fantasy relationships are what Borderline thought disorder is all about.  Borderline “love” is longing. It is yearning. It is the freedom to indulge in romantic feelings and fantasies about the new rewarding partner in order to feel better about the lack of self.

Borderline is the failure to separate/individuate to become “whole.” Therefore, they exist as part time selves, with all or none thinking. This “all” thought can be intense during evaluation of their worthiness when they sense a rewarding partner in “need.”

The Borderline prefers a partner who is only partially accessible, such as one who lives a considerable distance away or who is only available on weekends or works a lot or is also married.  

In fact, Borderlines have antennae a mile long listening for the subtle clues dropped in early chance meetings with potential lovers indicating that they are not available for a full time relationship. At the first mention of the fact that he/she works allot, lives out of town or is married- conditions that would discourage a normal person from getting his or her hopes up for a lasting relationship- the Borderline grows interested. This is just what they need- as the rewarding possibilities are open for Borderline evaluation of servitude.  It's at this stage that a Borderline can appear like a rescuer.

Borderlines also cement home the romantic fantasy with intense sexual activity that masquerades for real intimacy to the partner. It usually succeeds in making the partner think that the relationship is working.

Needless to say, the partner is devastated when the Borderline ends the fantasy by claiming persecution.  Since Borderline personality disorder is about persecution, the disorder has a preference for self- limitation by repetitiously seeking out the part time *good* in the married partner and then becoming overwhelmed by thoughts of the part time *bad* (partner cheating on spouse, unfaithful, etc.)

The push/pull of the swinging pendulum is set into play with a lack of object constancy (unable to see *both good and bad* at the same time in the married partner) and the longing gets hurt due to their fears of abandonment (the outcome of the constant triangulation (read definition) of the spouse -even in conversation and planning. The Spouse is an erstwhile nemesis for both parties as well as a needed barrier to true intimacy.)

Since all forms of triangulation (read definition) involve avoidance of some form of suffering that is required for being whole- the fantasy for both parties is not able to be sustained with the two part time selves always occurring at exactly the same time for mirroring- This is needed for the Borderline perception of safety and fantasy fusion. Since it cannot be maintained, the disorder causes the Borderline to split the married partner into bad and start to think in terms of persecution.

Patrick Carnes calls this a trauma bond.  Both parties are creating a romanticized and idealized bond with a romance fantasy that splits their former Spouse- but exact mirroring is impossible.  

The Borderline is also exempt from the separation anxiety that comes from making a choice between the future and present day conflict of the marriage (with its possibility of divorce.) Reality for the married partner in this case = divorce/leaving the primary object (Spouse) and taking a chance on the secondary object (Borderline) with risk/reward/realism of being alone if things don’t work out.  The Borderline does not have to think of this.

Parenting schedules, marriage woes, travel; all of these scheduling conflicts and confusions make the relationship uniquely attractive to a Borderline because the Borderline is freed from having to relate to the potential partner on a realistic, day to day intimate level. Instead, the fantasy and yearning can be utilized as an emotional airbag. The disorder is both child like and delusional in it's fantasy.

Because divorce is a sad reality- the fantasy now must fade and engulfment fears set in. Reality feels like blame to a Borderline. Reality to Borderline disorder is like daylight to a Vampire. Neither one can exist in the presence of the other and the Borderline must flee. This is all the Borderline can do as a primitive defense mechanism, which are consequences to the original developmental arrest.  

Borderline truly is the failure to be a stand-alone self. Ironically, the married partner is forced to become one in the aftermath of both the failed marriage and Borderline relationship.  

[Willy]

The push/pull of the swinging pendulum is set into play with a lack of object constancy (unable to see *both good and bad* at the same time in the married partner) and the longing gets hurt due to their fears of abandonment (the outcome of the constant triangulation (read definition) of the spouse -even in conversation and planning. The Spouse is an erstwhile nemesis for both parties as well as a needed barrier to true intimacy.)


The Borderline is also exempt from the separation anxiety that comes from making a choice between the future and present day conflict of the marriage (with its possibility of divorce.)

A year ago I lost a good friend who was married and at the same time was involved with a woman with at least very strong BPD-traits. He was only married on paper though for financial reasons and a child was involved.

With my knowledge of BPD I found this strange and couldn't explain it. I thought a pwBPD to be very possesive. And she was, she alienated him from friends, but not his direct family. Later on I was thinking about what is mentioned above: a r/s with a married can be heaven for them: it reduces the fear of intimacy and also fear of abandonment (the man isn’t going anywhere). It is only when the man does finalize a divorce or a seperation, those feelings become more strong and more trouble starts.

[bpdlover]

Great post 2010! You have such a detailed understanding of this. A lot of good information to take on board. I truly thought I was in a loving relationship with this woman and that we had both physically left our previous relationships. There was a level of intoxication that precluded it from taking the course of all my previous relationship. As I tried to progress, she fell pregnant and I attempted to spend more time with her but could not get past 48 hours in the same house as her because she was too crazy to be around. One of us would leave or she would break up. Does this mean that the relationship for her was a big joke? I obviously didn't see this clearly on some level. Was the relationship with her ex the real one but this one, her way of using me to escape the feelings of loss from the previous relationship? I honestly thought I met a great girl and it was real despite some of the strange bumps in the road. Then, she was out the door within a month of my certain availability, came back after five weeks for several more seductions, then filed the RO when I showed an intensity/reality that she could not deal with. She painted me so black to her family and friends. I have since moved back home and am in a functioning family unit. When child support first notified the ex of my move back home via letter, the phone rang three times in the middle of the night that week. I'm not looking back now. She's gone almost two years. Regular T sessions and a healthy lifestyle like I lived (but with more awareness) before she came into my life and we (current partner) have addressed many of the issues of how to communicate effectively when life moves at such a fast pace. I had never had any relationships with BPD woman prior to this and did not know that this condition existed. As I posted many times, the way my ex described her family, sounded a little like mine. Upon reflection though, despite my Mum's questionable judgements in the past, her cruelty is no where near that of my BPD ex. Can I ask you 2010 if you think my ex will try and get back into my life? The level of intoxication is a concern for me. The RO is up in a few months and I find it hard to believe that she will ever contact me again if it wasn't real to begin with. Although my partner, having seen the effects of the association during our separation, believes that she will try and cause mayhem as we have a child together.

[OutOfTheAshes]

Go to:    Opened the Door, Triangulation (read definition) & Replacement, January 16th posting (on Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD / [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship)  - if you want a firsthand account from a married spouse that ultimately had to leave the triangulation (read definition).

It was at the very least devastating, the perfect storm.

I ultimately continue to fear for my now former husband.

[marbleloser]

Wow 2010.That one hit close to home.

[zen]

My ex-friend uBPD tried to get me to leave my husband on more than one occasion. What I didn't understand each time was that she really did not get that we are married, happily so. She had had an affair with a married guy. She spun a lot of tales with me that she didn't want a relationship, that she valued our friendship as it was. Then all this vitriol came out.

Her new SO lives in New Zealand... .gotta love it.

2010 great post. I did get sucked in to the what I thought at the time was an amazing kind of Victorian/romantic friendship; it related to wounds I have as well as elements of my/our DID. There were a few points where there was triangulation (read definition), but I have to say one of the good things I learned over the 8 years was not to do that, actually. I learned if there is something I am quote-unquote venting about to any friend, it needs addressing at the source. It's a hard lesson for someone like me that grew up in a household where challenging a parent would result in hell breaking loose, but triangulation (read definition) went on with siblings etc.

[Zena321]

Hi 2010 reading your post is it my understanding my "triangulation (read definition)"works a bit opposite my estranged husband will not divorce me and says will not get back wih me ever again either (not a hope or desire anymore in my thoughts) yet still just a few days ago says he has no plans of ever getting married again ut still has his live in GF going on 3 years now . He gets everything he wants from her . I mentioned at least he has some help with household bills from her and he then got very angry and said "I take care of my own stuff" so I dropped that as we were in a neutral discussion and I didn't care to get in an argument at that point. He had claimed we were only married 2 years in which I said actually we are married until we get divorced (not because you left the house after 2 years and a few months) he of course won't count the 3 years after attempting reconsilliation.

So are you saying 2010 he "stays married and not divorcing to not lose that part of his reality so to speak?" I believe alot is financial reasons myself...

I think he knows that some equity would be due me in our co owned house he lives in as he tried to get me to quit claim it 2 years back and brought it up again a few days ago .

[C12P21]

I believe the reasons are as 2010 states. A person with emotional integrity does not enter into another r/s while with their partner.

Often times people look outside themselves for answers... when the answers lie beneath. Rather face the abyss of fear... it is far easier to paint the partner black, recreate the history of the r/s to justify the triangulating (read definition) behavior and  make excuses when recycling the ol' romanticized, exciting dream of "the one".

Thanks 2010 for another enlightening post.

C

[bpdlover]

Could you please clarify C12P21? Are you referring to my ex or do you believe I painted my initial partner black to leave a relationship? This was not the case at all. My BPD ex was curious about my ex and I was hesitant to offer many details other than that it was not working. She would call up and interview me like I was applying for a job. I thought it was a shade creepy and didn't speak to her much at first. Then she started asking the childhood questions. She was good. She must have read a few books to start in on finding the child connected to the adult. I concede that I fell into the trap of letting myself get too close to her but it took me over a year. I knew better but the opportunity to talk about the past was too strong. She got me by opening up the core self. It was an area I believed I had dealt with in the past. I'm dealing with it now, for the future.

[JonnyJon42]

I think mine could easily be a home wrecker i think she likes being the other woman more then the women

[bpdlover]

My T was amazing today. Gave me some great insight into how to communicate more effectively in my current relationship. I feel lucky to have escaped from my ex considering I was a one point willing to take the fantasy all the way to moving in together and building a life together. Like 2010 posted, it's more a natural fit for them being the "other" woman because their are part time selves and not whole. Problem is, I wanted to accept that as the norm after being a whole self or so I thought prior to meeting her.

[C12P21]

Are you referring to my ex or do you believe I painted my initial partner black to leave a relationship

?

I wasn't referring to you at all. Sorry if my post appeared that way. I was actually thinking about my exH who had numerous affairs while married to me, was having an affair while in MC, and will still attempt triangulation (read definition) when things are not going well with the new object.

Sorry about the confusion.

C

[Sparkley]

2010... .wow, thanks for your insight.

" the fantasy and yearning can be utilized as an emotional airbag. The disorder is both child like and delusional in it's fantasy."

I've described how my exBPDgf is always around, always looking at me in a way that is creepy... .but as described, yearnful and like she is living in a fantasy about us being lovers who can't be together... .

And it doesn't matter if my husband is with me , my children, friends, or parents, she still gives the looks... .also, she enhances her crazy yearnful looks even more when she has a new significant other or friend with her... .

Perhaps, trying to understand the d/o and insaneness of her behaviors, I've somehow become her emotional airbag and triangulation (read definition) that allows her not to live in whole reality... .even though we are NC and she has done this for much of 23 years?  I've always maintainted, even though it's very hurtful to me and been difficult to deal with, her coercing or stalking isn't to physically hurt me... .but is done so out of crazy beliefs or fantasies she has and power struggles and trying to control.

[JonnyJon42]

OMG sparkley

thats it i never thought about it but thats how mine acts like she wishs we could be lovers but to much holding us back when in the real world only her holding us back wow scary thought

[Sparkley]

I've searched for reasons why she does this even though we are no contact and even in the past before I knew about BPD and I wanted to talk to her again and she wouldn't... .but she kept up the coercing and stalking... .so troublesome and made me feel so trapped and traumatized... .

I know the focus is on our own recovery and we cannot know what they are thinking or doing or why they do the things they do exactly... .but having a point of understanding and some knowledge about their behaviors and how they relate to us helps... .at least for me it does.

[alchemist]

My ex has a history of chasing married men... .it's a perfect storm for the disordered mind who cannot handle true intimacy or commitment. Think about... .an attachment without the commitment or the day-to-day living (intimacy) of a proper adult (healthy) re-lationship. They love the chase and the affair is giving them a thrill... .be it fleeting and un-sustainable.

Ex BPD dumped me for a married man and shared with me all the details. She, in her disordered mind, actually thought married man would leave his wife and that they would ride off into the sunset. Cut... .it's a take. Another Hollywood epic BPD fantasy.

[bpdlover]

Maybe you can answer my question Sparkley? My ex has been gone almost two years and has an RO on me. She was with me for eighteen months. Is she likely to want to keep tabs on me? I feel that she has gone from my life, taking our child with her, for good. Makes it harder because I want to see my child but I really can not if I want to remain healthy.

[redberry]

Mine did have a history of chasing women who were already in relationships--but only when he was unattached or his relationship was rocky.  I have never known him to chase a married woman, but we're relatively young so there are a lot of unmarried women his age to choose from.  Makes me wonder how this will all work once he gets older and the supply of women willing to put up with his crap decreases.

[JonnyJon42]

Wow sparkley

mine is doing that right now ignoring me but looking me on on this site to keep tabs on me. I tried to talk to her like a week ago nothing BUT when i posted on here i was thinking of changing my number i get a txt shortly after at 3AM saying if we cant talk its ok and she wont hold it against me . Ok she is IGNORING me how is it me stopping us from talking. She knows the door is open but whatever again like you said acts like so much is stopping us from being together when its just her

[slipker]

2010

 This post has hammered home exactly my experience with a pwBPD. He was what I thought of as simply a 'friend' to me... .but your expertise has exposed him and this disorder so clearly. I dealt with him as a care provider... .a freind{ I thought} and his sounding board for all the nasty people in the world that were to blame for his sad sack life. The fantasy world he made, and my part in it, lifts all doubts and has made so clear his sick needs and wants and dysfunctional thinking . I can honestly say that I have shed any and all guilt, fear and obligation towards my decision to go completely no contact for over two years with this sick old man. Thank you for your willingness to educate us all here on this site.  I have lived in dread of ever seeing him again, but , for myself, I can now know that I can walk past this dispicable person with no feelings whatsoever.  Harsh... .maybe... .but your post regarding the preference of pwBPD to fantasy and "yearning'" as their preferred  mode of being rang so true in my experience. Thanks again.