Doing something different

[thisyoungdad]

My question is about doing things differently within yourself. I am learning some of the tools on here and some already I had learned from a 12 step program. However I find myself seeing how important they are and am working hard to look at my part of what I bring. Yet then things get heated and escalate in 0-60 and no matter what I eventually seem to go back to the old habits and patterns of interacting with her. I might be doing okay at first yet then I eventually end up back in that old crap again. How did or are you learning to break through those old patterns to learn and put into action these new tools? I see the value I just can get so swept away by the suddenness of the B.S that I forget or something.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Practice.

Luckily you will get lots of it  

Seriously - it starts small, with the little successes first. Nothing ground breaking. Just small areas that "I" can feel good about. If you try for the whole kabang all at once you will fail.

So how about recognizing what you can - you held out for 10 min instead of 5 min - you only swore at her twice instead of six - you were able to recognize how futile the argument was after she repeated herself the ninth time... .any small success.

What small positive change have you implemented?

[waverider]

Making hindsight into present sight takes time, and you still wont always get it right. But if you do better on average now than you did a month ago, then you will do better in a month than you do today.

The aim is too improve, you wont ever be perfect, just a better person with a sense of direction.

Remember you are doing this for you

[Rockylove]

waverider and united... .thank you for reminding me~I often joke that perfection is just not an option, but I still put too much pressure on myself to get things "right" when I know that "right" is very subjective at this point.

[thisyoungdad]

The first thing I did was that I started actually talking to a couple very close friends about things going on, small pieces at a time. These are friends I know I can trust and I know they have the best in mind for me so I can be open and ask for insight. One friend in particular told me that no matter how much she thinks her husband is at fault she can always find at least 1% that is her part and usually a lot more if she can be honest with herself. I have known her for 12 years so I trust her and as I took that in and have tried to really be conscious of that before, during or after every interaction good or bad it is helping me see where my issues contribute. As I can see the issues I find myself able to slowly work through them but also blame her less, and from there I feel less helpless and at least a little more empowered.

The big thing for me is taking space before responding to any text or emails from her. Often she will send a text that feels like a bombshell of information and then cuts off all communication leaving me hanging. That drives me nuts and I am slowly working on either not responding right away or at all, and talking to someone close to me before I do it. Same with emails. I find myself still engaging and exploding back most the time but it is not yelling anymore. Also I got a home pull up bar and punching bag so when I am really set off I just go and do that over and over until I am exhausted and that really helps a lot too.

Ultimately I would like it possible to get text messages or emails and just ignore them if they are antagonistic. Well okay I really just wish she didn't do that at all, however knowing she probably will then I would like to get to a place where I can just detach even if we stay married.

I guess I feel discouraged due to the fact that she can twist any interaction so that if I respond in any way that is less than happy at all there is huge potential to be misrepresented and or that used against me. That is where I want to be perfect I guess.

[united for now]

There is a huge reality gap going on then, between what you want and what she is capable of giving to you. This is where radical acceptance comes in. She is who she is. Expecting perfection is crazy.

Trying to get a duck to bark only frustrates you and pisses off the duck... .