Trying to navigate a new and promising relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, I am a frequent reader of the boards but infrequent poster. 

A short recap of my situation is that I left a 40-year marriage in 2013 from an UBPDh with all of the classic symptoms, to include frequent dysregulation and anger outbursts, controlling behavior, and multiple suicide attempts both while we were together and after we separated. 

My first relationship out of the gate after my divorce was with a very nice and kind man with no anger issues – but who turned out to be dependent on alcohol (on a daily basis – starting early in the morning).  I do not regret the time I spent with him – although it took me longer than it should have to extricate myself from that relationship.  He was just so nice, ya know?  I was able to start to express myself without fear that it would trigger a dysregulation.  I was able to practice my boundary-setting skills and to start to define the qualities in a partner that I truly desired.  Even if the alcohol issue had not been in the picture, my very wise daughter who is an attorney said it best when she said, “Mom, it’s not enough that someone is just nice to you.  There have to be some shared goals and a desire for at least some shared experiences.” 

So, here I am at age 63.  I have a great family, 5 kids and 10 grandkids who keep me busy, a good job, and some fun things planned like a bucket list trip to Peru in the fall.  I still miss having a partner in life.  I am a little afraid to try online dating, but on a lark I did sign up for a dating service that does face to face interviews and criminal and financial background checks.   After a few mismatches,  (another bit of practice in defining what is important to me), they set me up with a gentleman 7 weeks ago whom I am growing fonder and fonder of. 

So, here is the problem.  I don’t know what to do!  I don’t know how to proceed in a truly healthy relationship.  At 7 weeks, we have been on many, many dates, hikes, dinners, outdoor concerts, art festivals, intimate evenings enjoying music – he has cooked for me, I have cooked for him.  We share the same political views, religious views, music tastes, food (we both maintain a healthy weight on a low-carb diet).  It is early, but I am pretty aware of signs of alcohol (ex-boyfriend) and opiate addiction (ex-husband), and I am not seeing any physical signs of any addictions nor evidence from the life he leads.  He is very open – if he receives a call while I am with him, he puts it on speaker phone so both sides of any conversation can be heard – I have offered to excuse myself to another room, and he says, “Don’t be silly.”  He is a retired attorney, divorced about 8 or 9 years ago.  He has one son and a brother he is close to but who don’t live in this area and from the conversations I’ve heard, they are loving and respectful relationships.   We are to the point where we are at least touching base by phone every day and getting together 3 or so times a week. 

Actually, I don’t really know what I am afraid of, other than I guess I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There is part of me that wants to look into the future and see us together, and yet I know it is way too early for such conversations.  I don’t know how to walk that line of being vulnerable and honest in my expressions and my hopes but not being seen as needy and inappropriate this early. 

I don’t know if I am asking for help or just getting my thoughts out in written form to help me work through things.  I am trying to just relax and to enjoy our time together and take each day as it comes – I suppose that is the only healthy path.  For the most part, I do.  I’m sure it is normal for me to have some anxiety about a new relationship, as, for my age, I have had relatively few relationships.  I am trying to acknowledge the little fears and self-doubt that pop into my head and then let them go and bid them goodbye.   I have had several years of CBT therapy.  I haven’t been to my therapist in over a year, as he kind of “graduated” me, but perhaps it would be worth it to start back up to help me wade through these unfamiliar waters.

Thanks for listening!

[Stjarna]

Hi everyone, I am a frequent reader of the boards but infrequent poster. 

A short recap of my situation is that I left a 40-year marriage in 2013 from an UBPDh with all of the classic symptoms, to include frequent dysregulation and anger outbursts, controlling behavior, and multiple suicide attempts both while we were together and after we separated. 

My first relationship out of the gate after my divorce was with a very nice and kind man with no anger issues – but who turned out to be dependent on alcohol (on a daily basis – starting early in the morning).  I do not regret the time I spent with him – although it took me longer than it should have to extricate myself from that relationship.  He was just so nice, ya know?  I was able to start to express myself without fear that it would trigger a dysregulation.  I was able to practice my boundary-setting skills and to start to define the qualities in a partner that I truly desired.  Even if the alcohol issue had not been in the picture, my very wise daughter who is an attorney said it best when she said, “Mom, it’s not enough that someone is just nice to you.  There have to be some shared goals and a desire for at least some shared experiences.” 

So, here I am at age 63.  I have a great family, 5 kids and 10 grandkids who keep me busy, a good job, and some fun things planned like a bucket list trip to Peru in the fall.  I still miss having a partner in life.  I am a little afraid to try online dating, but on a lark I did sign up for a dating service that does face to face interviews and criminal and financial background checks.   After a few mismatches,  (another bit of practice in defining what is important to me), they set me up with a gentleman 7 weeks ago whom I am growing fonder and fonder of. 

So, here is the problem.  I don’t know what to do!  I don’t know how to proceed in a truly healthy relationship.  At 7 weeks, we have been on many, many dates, hikes, dinners, outdoor concerts, art festivals, intimate evenings enjoying music – he has cooked for me, I have cooked for him.  We share the same political views, religious views, music tastes, food (we both maintain a healthy weight on a low-carb diet).  It is early, but I am pretty aware of signs of alcohol (ex-boyfriend) and opiate addiction (ex-husband), and I am not seeing any physical signs of any addictions nor evidence from the life he leads.  He is very open – if he receives a call while I am with him, he puts it on speaker phone so both sides of any conversation can be heard – I have offered to excuse myself to another room, and he says, “Don’t be silly.”  He is a retired attorney, divorced about 8 or 9 years ago.  He has one son and a brother he is close to but who don’t live in this area and from the conversations I’ve heard, they are loving and respectful relationships.   We are to the point where we are at least touching base by phone every day and getting together 3 or so times a week. 

Actually, I don’t really know what I am afraid of, other than I guess I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There is part of me that wants to look into the future and see us together, and yet I know it is way too early for such conversations.  I don’t know how to walk that line of being vulnerable and honest in my expressions and my hopes but not being seen as needy and inappropriate this early. 

I don’t know if I am asking for help or just getting my thoughts out in written form to help me work through things.  I am trying to just relax and to enjoy our time together and take each day as it comes – I suppose that is the only healthy path.  For the most part, I do.  I’m sure it is normal for me to have some anxiety about a new relationship, as, for my age, I have had relatively few relationships.  I am trying to acknowledge the little fears and self-doubt that pop into my head and then let them go and bid them goodbye.   I have had several years of CBT therapy.  I haven’t been to my therapist in over a year, as he kind of “graduated” me, but perhaps it would be worth it to start back up to help me wade through these unfamiliar waters.

Thanks for listening!

[Insom]

Yay, Stjarna!  Congrats on what sounds like a so-far-so-good dating experience.  I hear you're feeling a little wary/don't quite trust that things are unfolding as they should.  At the same time, all you've said so far about this gentleman does, indeed, sound promising!

I don’t know what to do!  I don’t know how to proceed in a truly healthy relationship.

  What needs to be done?  How do you feel about letting things continue to unfold as they have been and following where they go?

Is there a specific issue we can help you with?  If so, let us know!  We're here to listen. 

[tin]

Your reaction makes sense to me. You are waiting to really get to know him, and not assuming or expecting that he will make you happy or deserves to be trusted right off the bat. You are demonstrating that you are independent enough not to need the relationship, and not needing to jump into something too serious or planning out the future together, and enjoying the moment while knowing that anything could happen. Seems like maybe there is less attachment and less drama than you are used to, but perhaps it's good that there isn't, and perhaps if there is, you wouldn't be shocked and you would have faith in yourself in knowing how to handle it, and whether it's worth it to you to try to work through it, or recognize if it's an indication of deeper problems that you wouldn't want to take on. Has your daughter or friends met him? What has been their reaction? Have you met his friends and family? Does it seem like he keeps positive long lasting relationships in his life?

[Stjarna]

  What needs to be done?  How do you feel about letting things continue to unfold as they have been and following where they go? 

Thank you, Insom, for your sweet support!  I guess nothing needs to be done,  - - I do have to say that there is part of me that feels very vulnerable at being 63 and hoping against hope that I do find that "best friend" relationship.  I know I need to relax and just take what comes.  I tend to be a caretaker, and so I am very aware of not falling into that role again.  The beauty of this relationship is that he does not seem to need caretaking!  Imagine that!  His home is immaculate, he is well off - he is very self-sufficient.  He also has expressed just needing that "best friend" kind of relationship and that he has been lonely since his last relationship ended about a year ago.

Thank you, tin, also for your kind words and insight!  I think you might have hit the nail on the head with the fact that there is less drama here than I am used to.  It feels odd, haha!  And yes, I do have more confidence for sure than I did even 5 years ago right after my divorce that I can see issues as they arise and have faith that I could handle them. 

As far as meeting my family, my daughters live about a 6 hour drive a way.  I have two sons and an autistic daughter who live here in town.  He hasn't met any of my family yet.  In the 7 weeks since we met- we had a few of those weeks apart - he had a pre-scheduled trip to tie up some loose ends at his law firm he retired from.  I was gone for 3 weeks out of June on business for my job - I don't usually travel - this was a one-time deal and now it's done.  So, anyway, the logistics just are that he hasn't met any of my family yet, but it will be forthcoming shortly.  He only has one son who lives several hours away, and no, I haven't met him yet either.   He has four best friends that he grew up with, but they live back where his law firm was (he moved to my area about 4 years ago to retire).  So no, I haven't met them, either.   In the 4 years he has lived in my area, he has started a business that has taken off, that he only has to oversee a few hours a week.  He has two friends and has talked about getting together with one of these friends and his wife shortly.  He is open that he is with me when he takes calls when we are together, so I don't feel that he is keeping me "under wraps"  or anything.

As for his previous relationships - he was married for about two decades, and he says that they pretty much grew apart - more like roommates for about the last 5 years.  His wife decided to move on.  He says he urged her to do counseling or anything to make it work, but she ended up leaving and moving several states away.  His last girlfriend was a troubled relationship that he said his friends and his brother and his son tried to talk him out of many times.  He admits he was infatuated with her looks and overlooked red flags of troubled behavior on her part and put up with terrible treatment from her.  He finally did distance himself from her, but he is still close to a grown daughter of the girlfriend's.  He has had some therapy around this, and we have some similar talking points about troubled relationships, though we only touch on these briefly and do not dwell on them. 

The thing that we do not have in common is that he is pretty unattached to family - His mom and dad were both only children so he did not grow up with cousins around, etc.  He never met his grandparents - they all passed on at young ages.  His father died when he was in law school.  His mother died when he was about 40 from breast cancer.   And here I am with all of these kids in different states, 10 grandkids - some of which are older and getting married and so forth, and then a couple of needy ones here in town, the autistic daughter and one of my sons suffers from addictions but is doing the best he can.  I am pretty much this son's only emotional support. 

So anyway, I am feeling good today, and I think the most important thing is that I have stepped out of my comfort zone in even meeting someone new (I didn't even want to go when the dating service told me they had another "match" for me).  So, even if this somehow does not work our and we cannot make our lives merge - I am going to look at it as a positive path on my journey and be willing to see where it leads.

Thank you so much, everyone!  I "know" most of you and your stories from reading the boards so much - I don't post much because by the time I get to the board, someone has put into words so eloquently similar thoughts -- or, I am at work and on a time crunch and cannot formulate the words I want to say.  But I do send thoughts of peace to you all!

[Insom]

I tend to be a caretaker, and so I am very aware of not falling into that role again . . . The beauty of this relationship is that he does not seem to need caretaking!  Imagine that!  His home is immaculate, he is well off - he is very self-sufficient . . .   

Indeed!  I imagine it feels disorienting to not fall into your habitual care taking role.  What does it feel like to spend time with him and not play the care taker? Who do you get to be with him?

[spacecadet]

Congratulations! You've done a lot of things right to get to this point. Enjoy this new man in your life. 

[Stjarna]

Insom, it feels weird for any caretaking behavior to slowly take a back seat!  Instead of instantly retreating to thinking of a meal I can cook or something I can "do" for him - I am slowing starting to enjoy just being me, and having him appreciate the person that I am.  He expresses delight in my quirks and my personality and expresses joy every time we are together - just for my simple presence - imagine that! 

This is a long-ingrained pattern for me, as in my FOO I was the oldest of four kids and had a working mom in the late 50's, early 60's, when that was less common (and daycare options were scarce).  At a young age I would pick up younger siblings from school and watch them until my mom got home, and many times even started dinner for her.  So, my early ways of feeling any value at all were all about what I could contribute to the family.

Not a bad thing, until it becomes the only thing you feel valued for - and therein lies probably the biggest reason I was compelled to fall in with the partners that I did.

Only took me 63 years to figure this out -- Better late than never, right? 

Thank you for your questions - you are helping me probe and get to some deep roots!

And spacecadet, thank you for your kind words and well wishes! 

[Insom]

This is a long-ingrained pattern for me, as in my FOO I was the oldest of four kids and had a working mom in the late 50's, early 60's, when that was less common (and daycare options were scarce).  At a young age I would pick up younger siblings from school and watch them until my mom got home, and many times even started dinner for her.  So, my early ways of feeling any value at all were all about what I could contribute to the family.

This is a great insight!   

I have had several years of CBT therapy.  I haven’t been to my therapist in over a year, as he kind of “graduated” me, but perhaps it would be worth it to start back up to help me wade through these unfamiliar waters.

Is he still around?  It sounds you're doing great though it doesn't hurt to have some extra support even if it's just to check in when you're feeling anxious.