"not forgotten" on Memorial Day :-(

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just got a text message from my BPD exBF. This is the third one in two weeks. The first a couple a weeks ago was almost identical to today's "Sending this on Memorial Day just to let you know I haven't forgotten you," with the addition of acknowledging the holiday. The second just a few days ago was completely blank, with no explanation of the blank text.

To summarize I've had a "remembering you" text, to which I gave no response, a blank text that I also ignored, and another "haven't forgotten you" message today, four days after the blank. I have no intention of answering, and I don't mind saying it gives me a certain amount of satisfaction to know his texting isn't eliciting the desired results. My attitude is, "Let him sit there and wonder what's going on with me. He doesn't deserve a reply." And of course I'm also maintaining NC by not allowing myself to be sucked back in.

My question to those of you who have been through this with a male BPD is: What's next? Will my not answering his texts lead him to give up, or is he more likely to escalate his attempts at reconnecting with me? I know for a fact that he and the woman he returned to from my place are having serious problems. He walked out on her during an argument a few weeks ago and stayed out all night, and she called me to see if I had heard from him. (I hadn't.) She then told me she had just about had it with his behavior and that only his family pleading with her to take him back was keeping her from dumping his stuff on the front lawn for him to pick up.

My own prediction is that I'll soon be facing a full-fledged recycling attempt. What do you think? And what is he likely to do when I turn him down?

And by the way, Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you! I haven't forgotten you even though I'd like to forget my BPDexBF and all the heartache and chaos he put me through. :-)

[MarshaDole]

I just got a text message from my BPD exBF. This is the third one in two weeks. The first a couple a weeks ago was almost identical to today's "Sending this on Memorial Day just to let you know I haven't forgotten you," with the addition of acknowledging the holiday. The second just a few days ago was completely blank, with no explanation of the blank text.

To summarize I've had a "remembering you" text, to which I gave no response, a blank text that I also ignored, and another "haven't forgotten you" message today, four days after the blank. I have no intention of answering, and I don't mind saying it gives me a certain amount of satisfaction to know his texting isn't eliciting the desired results. My attitude is, "Let him sit there and wonder what's going on with me. He doesn't deserve a reply." And of course I'm also maintaining NC by not allowing myself to be sucked back in.

My question to those of you who have been through this with a male BPD is: What's next? Will my not answering his texts lead him to give up, or is he more likely to escalate his attempts at reconnecting with me? I know for a fact that he and the woman he returned to from my place are having serious problems. He walked out on her during an argument a few weeks ago and stayed out all night, and she called me to see if I had heard from him. (I hadn't.) She then told me she had just about had it with his behavior and that only his family pleading with her to take him back was keeping her from dumping his stuff on the front lawn for him to pick up.

My own prediction is that I'll soon be facing a full-fledged recycling attempt. What do you think? And what is he likely to do when I turn him down?

And by the way, Happy Memorial Day weekend to all of you! I haven't forgotten you even though I'd like to forget my BPDexBF and all the heartache and chaos he put me through. :-)

[LoveNYC]

Who knows what goes through their heads or what they are capable of. At the very least, I'd expect some drama thrown in: "I'm a mess without you", "I'm going to kill myself", "nobody understands me but you"... .whine, whine, whine... .

Expect the worst and hope for the best.

Congratulations on remaining NC!

[2010]

Will my not answering his texts lead him to give up, or is he more likely to escalate his attempts at reconnecting with me? I know for a fact that he and the woman he returned to from my place are having serious problems. He walked out on her during an argument a few weeks ago and stayed out all night, and she called me to see if I had heard from him. (I hadn't.) She then told me she had just about had it with his behavior and that only his family pleading with her to take him back was keeping her from dumping his stuff on the front lawn for him to pick up.

Since Borderline attachments are fusional- they tend to merge identities within their intimate relationships. That means that if he is on the outs with a current relationship, he will feel very, very badly about it and rather than utilize skills to correct the feelings and empathize with the partner's feelings in conflict resolution- he will avoid her and rush impulsively to seek out any back burner attachments (that's you) that may heat up again (jump at the chance for another round of drama.)

Another round begins with you asking questions about the current attachment, which is what a person with BPD doesn't want to hear (really, because they don't have the answers to their part time splitting and pendulum-like chaos- they just know it exists for them.)- The utilization of triangulation (read definition) keeps the chaos alive with jealousy and desperation for both women while he avoids personal responsibility.

So, if you do answer him and get back together- the immediate feelings of good will sour quickly and he will begin a process of escape from you - either to put you down again and spin wildly about looking for a new "value" of good (found in a new person) or he will return to the former "bad" (the current relationship) who now is playing the same part that you are hoping to be "good" again.

Playing off the part time objectification of the two of you relies on badmouthing of each other.  This could go on for a few years until one or more of you has medical or psychiatric problems. Triangulating (read definition) the two of you is just a way to play off that need for a part time self and it relies on splitting and projecting blame of the bad part time objects. As long as you stay in the game you will never be whole.

What you want to do is let go of the outcome on being cast as the bad and cast as the good. In order to be whole again you must resort to feeling your abandonment depression that will come in the aftermath of no contact. The failure of the fusional attachment (where a person has merged badly with you and taken over your esteem) has to be reckoned with. The taking back of your personal power means walling off the back and forth, he said, she said, they are - are we? drain on your self esteem.

If you don't take precautions, if you dont take back your personal power- this drama triangle could go on for decades- and no one deserves that game in life. Stay strong.  

[MarshaDole]

Love NYC, I do expect a phone call rather than a text one of these days. And when I get it, I expect to hear phrases like those you mentioned. And I expect them to be pretty heavy content, too, because when he returned to his exGF, he told her he couldn't go on living without her, and was telling me he would kill himself if he couldn't have his "old life" back again. Now, after nearly a year, that "old life" back with the previous GF is falling apart, and he's undoubtedly maneuvering to see if he can reignite something with me. So when I get that phone call, I expect to hear something like, "I had to try making it work with X. She had done so much for me. But I've given it a year now and everything is worse than before. I know I don't deserve it, but I want to make it all up to you now, so will you just give me a chance?"

And when I tell him I've moved on and that my answer has to be no, I expect to hear statements like "I don't have any reason to go on living then." And in his case, he really may mean it, because he had an actual plan last year and was about to carry it out when the exGF agreed to take him back. Nevertheless, I cannot go through that rollercoaster ride with him again. It helps my resolve to recall some of the dreadful things he said and did just before he left. A person who can tell me he never was in love with me at all, even in the beginning, is someone I could never trust again. This man introduced himself to my family and me to his family with the statement that we had finally found each other at last and would be getting married soon. He called it "the love I've waited for all my life." Strange how they have the emotional amnesia when they're ready to discard you  and then manage to reverse it to thoughts of loving you again just when their current situation starts falling apart because of their BPD.

[turtle]

So when I get that phone call, I expect to hear something like, "I had to try making it work with X. She had done so much for me. But I've given it a year now and everything is worse than before. I know I don't deserve it, but I want to make it all up to you now, so will you just give me a chance?"

And when I tell him I've moved on and that my answer has to be no, I expect to hear statements like "I don't have any reason to go on living then."

MarshaDole --

When/IF you get that phone call, you don't have to answer.  You don't have to hear anything he has to say and then you don't have to even think about your response -- because there won't BE a response.

My crazyx still calls and leaves messages on my business V/M and it's been ELEVEN years.  They range all the way from "you effing B*!CH" to the "If I can't have you I can't live" crap, to "Oh, baby I love you and you're missing life with me."  It is lost on him that I'm grateful to be "missing" that life.  I hate that my employees hear this garbage, but it's just something that happens every so often. Not nearly as often as it used to -- now it's down to about 1 or 2 times a year.  More importantly, it just does not phase me.  The message is there, it's deleted, and I go on about my day.

For a very long time, the instant I heard his voice on the V/M, I'd just delete the message.  It's just been in the last few years that I've actually listened to the messages.  After 5 years of not listening --  the messages he was leaving were exactly the same as they were 5 years prior.

Will he ever wear himself out and stop this nonsense?  I have no idea, but I DO know that he will get NO participation from me.

You are doing great at staying NC.  Keep that up and things will get much better for you!

turtle

[MarshaDole]

2010, thank you for taking the time during Memorial Day to give me this helpful input.

I experienced the fusion during the first euphoric months. It was as though each of us had finally found the right person to grow old with. In my case, it was after living alone and not being in love with anyone for the entire previous decade. I had become accustomed to living alone and was contented with the tranquility of it, so I wasn_

[faith2heal]

Marsha, so my aspects of your story seem so familiar to me.  I too had spent several years alone after my marriage ended, my choice, so I fell hard for my ex. I knew him a long time and we were friends for many years but once we started a romantic relationship I fell in love quickly,  !  Even though my circumstances were different from yours, I too believed in a dream and I still get sad that the dream is gone, truthfully, it was never real.  My ex has been trying to re-engage with me as of lately, we work together so I can't avoid contact, I only can do my part to stay as far away as possible, but he seeks me out and still tries to start something up with me again.  Like you in your situation I'm repulsed by it now, the drama he creates and his blatant disregard for both myself and his wife make me sick.  I understand how hard this must be for you, your ex trying to reconnect with you, just know you are doing great and you have many friends here pulling for you.  You will find that special man!   

2010, I found your post really interesting, I've reread it several times.  I'd like to ask you to clarify something for me.  Are you saying that if we remain no contact that we will stay on the "good" side of our ex?  I'm curious about this, if you could talk further on that I'd appreciate it.  Thanks! 

Happy Memorial Day everyone!   

[LoveNYC]

Damn, Turtle! Eleven years?

You must have beer-flavored boobies or something!

Haha, just kidding.

Wow, that's scary. They are so bizarre... .

[faith2heal]

One more thing Marsha... .My ex has said to me over and over since we broke up that if things don't work out with her will I still be there someday?  I've said repeatedly, "you made your choice, I will never be someone's second choice ever again.  There is no "us" ever again, it's over for me forever."  It feels really great to say it!  I hope you get your chance to say it in your situation, it's truly powerful! 

[LoveNYC]

One more thing Marsha... .My ex has said to me over and over since we broke up that if things don't work out with her will I still be there someday?  I've said repeatedly, "you made your choice, I will never be someone's second choice ever again.  There is no "us" ever again, it's over for me forever."  It feels really great to say it!  I hope you get your chance to say it in your situation, it's truly powerful! 

Faith, how did he respond to this? It must've been a great feeling to shoot him down!

[faith2heal]

LoveNYC, he responds by engaging in the "pull away" phase, avoiding me like the plague, which I'm actually thankful for.  Or he does something mean the next day like laughing in my face or blurting out nasty tidbits that he's neglected to tell me, like a neighbor that supposedly knew about us and a co-worker who is spying on us for his wife.  But doesn't matter a bit to me... .it felt good!