Received a message from her about what a great dog he was...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For about three years I have enjoyed silence from my ex-BPD gf although deep down I knew she was always lurking just around the corner sort of speak, waiting for that rainy day that she would try and recycle me.

Anyways, I have had a really rough couple of months. First, I quit my job to pursue a business opportunity that didn't quit work out as planned. Then, my car was broken into and I lost 5k worth of stuff for my business, so it pretty much put the nail in the coffin as far as being able to make that leap to become self-employed. Then the real tragedy happened. When I was dating my ex BPD gf, during one of our "distant" times, she tried to spice up the relationship by adding a dog. At the time I was real vulnerable because my own childhood best buddy (dog) was dying. So, she goes out and gets a dog, same breed, same color because she knew I would become attached. In a sick sort of way, I really believe it was the same way some people with BPD get pregnant so you can't leave them... .Anyways, it worked, I became attached, we moved in together and long story short, when things inevitably didn't work out, and we split, the dog stayed with me. I think this added to our bond, being that both of us were abandoned by the same person who supposedly "loved us" more than anything in the world... .Anyways, the dog became my best friend and I used to joke with friends and family that I didn't pursue a new relationship because I had Koopa, and he was all the companionship I needed. We went and did everything together, camping trips, hikes, my running partner, and fellow movie watcher... .

But, as life can be real cruel sometime, during the midst of all the other bad luck, he became very ill. Unfortunately, after thousands of dollars invested in saving his life, he still ended up passing away the next morning after having a large tumor removed from his small intestine. I was heartbroken and depressed. I posted a little message on facebook about it and the following morning received a message from her about what a great dog he was and how happy she was to be apart of his life... .

This really rubbed me the wrong way, because A, I have no clue how she found out about it, because we don't really share any friends any more so she must be stalking my facebook page, and B how dare she... .She abandoned the poor guy so many times during his life... .I have horror stories of how she neglected that poor guy that would make even non-animal lovers cringe. She left him for dead on numerous occasions and it was my sympathy and love for him that rescued him multiple times... .

So yeah, three years of silence, then this. At my weakest moment, she tries to wiggle herself back into my life. I was going to send her back some choice words and expressions, but decided, why initiate contact. She is past news, and may as not even exist. She can take her chaos elsewhere.

[PotentiallyKevin]

For about three years I have enjoyed silence from my ex-BPD gf although deep down I knew she was always lurking just around the corner sort of speak, waiting for that rainy day that she would try and recycle me.

Anyways, I have had a really rough couple of months. First, I quit my job to pursue a business opportunity that didn't quit work out as planned. Then, my car was broken into and I lost 5k worth of stuff for my business, so it pretty much put the nail in the coffin as far as being able to make that leap to become self-employed. Then the real tragedy happened. When I was dating my ex BPD gf, during one of our "distant" times, she tried to spice up the relationship by adding a dog. At the time I was real vulnerable because my own childhood best buddy (dog) was dying. So, she goes out and gets a dog, same breed, same color because she knew I would become attached. In a sick sort of way, I really believe it was the same way some people with BPD get pregnant so you can't leave them... .Anyways, it worked, I became attached, we moved in together and long story short, when things inevitably didn't work out, and we split, the dog stayed with me. I think this added to our bond, being that both of us were abandoned by the same person who supposedly "loved us" more than anything in the world... .Anyways, the dog became my best friend and I used to joke with friends and family that I didn't pursue a new relationship because I had Koopa, and he was all the companionship I needed. We went and did everything together, camping trips, hikes, my running partner, and fellow movie watcher... .

But, as life can be real cruel sometime, during the midst of all the other bad luck, he became very ill. Unfortunately, after thousands of dollars invested in saving his life, he still ended up passing away the next morning after having a large tumor removed from his small intestine. I was heartbroken and depressed. I posted a little message on facebook about it and the following morning received a message from her about what a great dog he was and how happy she was to be apart of his life... .

This really rubbed me the wrong way, because A, I have no clue how she found out about it, because we don't really share any friends any more so she must be stalking my facebook page, and B how dare she... .She abandoned the poor guy so many times during his life... .I have horror stories of how she neglected that poor guy that would make even non-animal lovers cringe. She left him for dead on numerous occasions and it was my sympathy and love for him that rescued him multiple times... .

So yeah, three years of silence, then this. At my weakest moment, she tries to wiggle herself back into my life. I was going to send her back some choice words and expressions, but decided, why initiate contact. She is past news, and may as not even exist. She can take her chaos elsewhere.

[CaptainM]

Wow, three years of silence and then she chose that moment? Not nice! I'm sorry to hear about your pup (Koopa, that is a great name BTW), I know how they really do become part of the family.

I was going to send her back some choice words and expressions, but decided, why initiate contact. She is past news, and may as not even exist. She can take her chaos elsewhere.

Well if nothing else it's a good chance to see how far you have come - to have the strength and emotional maturity to know that not replying is what is best for you. Obviously you'd want to give her some choice words, but you know it'll only take you back and since you're already so far forward it's just not worth it.

Maybe this show of strength is the turning of the tide on your luck. 

[OnceConfused]

Good job my friend for staying COOL and COLLECTED. Don't stir up the infested water because you will smell the ___.

[LoveNYC]

What a revolting monster she is.

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing my dog was such grief like I've never known.

I really feel like they're from the pits of Hell, these people. I literally started going back to church when I left mine. I felt like I needed an exorcism.

Good for you for staying NC and having the right attitude, head high!

[GlennT]

Grrrr.That's why they are called emotional vampires. They need their bottomless black holed filled with the true and real emotions of folks and all we get back is their shallow mirroring of phoney emotions. Using the deep and true and honest love of your best buddy for her narcissistic supply, and fake perfect apperance. I live with my cats and I can say this thet those people cannot even come close to the enduring and abiding love our pets can give us.

[bpdfamfan]

     

[Robhart]

They are masters of recycling and making sure that their lists of A list and B list people is always full.

Mine contacted me recently after I thought she gave  up on leaving unanswered voice mails.At first  my ego kicked in then I realized she's off summers and her current guy(s) aren't providing enough attention for her with her new free time.

They hope to get you at a vulnerable moment and hope your memory has clouded over their lying and cheating.If not... well they'll give it another shot when their list is low again.

Sorry to hear about your dog.Animals not only become your friends but are great emotional and physical healers for humans.

If it wouldn't be to hard maybe you could volunteer at an animal shelter for a bit.

Glad you kept your strength up not to break n/c.

[Clearmind]

I can't really fully understand what you are feeling because I am not you, however I can offer my compassion and many of us on the board can offer some suggestions to help you through this time if you are open to them. After all bpdfamily.com is here to support one another and find healthy ways to move through times like these 

When I was going through a similar thing I neglected to look after the one thing that really does matter _

[Want2know]

I am sorry to hear about your dog.  :'(

I know that it is sometimes hard to trust that our pwBPD's motives are truthful.  I just want to put out the possibility that she truly does feel this way about him, and to perhaps not look too deeply or harshly upon her message. 

So, in addition to the helpful tips that Clearmind has suggested, perhaps just take it for face value, and accept that her condolence was as legitmate as the ones you are receiving here. 

[PotentiallyKevin]

Clearmind, fortunately for me I am an experienced climber when it comes to crawling my way out of rock-bottom. I have been here before, and I have that much going for me. I agree with your statement on exercising, currently I am finishing my NASM to get certified in personal training. When I broke up with my ex BPDgf weightlifting was my catalyst that got me feeling better, and I have revamped my determination this time around.

I am a bit disappointing I have let myself get here again, especially after my lass ascension from the pits, (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121901.0), I am actually quite thankful for my BPD experience, because after that disaster, I feel I can handle anything now. Just a little peeved that she would try to weasel herself into my life again... .

Also, this time, I really feel my grief and depression is a bit more warranted, and I am accepting that this is a normal and healthy reaction to losing someone so close to me. Whereas after I broke up with the ex, I should have been jumping for joy but it was unhealthy emotions that were keeping me attached and hurt.

I really really really feel for all of you who are in the midst of the BPD chaos. I remember that feeling all too well, and it is a much different hell than the grief I am experiencing now. I didn't know what was up or down, right or wrong or begin to fathom who I was or what I wanted in life. Yuck yuck yuck. It is good to check in here from time to time to remind myself where I was and how far I have come.

 Thanks for all the comforting messages, watching my dog become ill and then passing away was probably the most emotional thing I personally have ever been through, it made all the hurt and pain that I experienced while separating from my ex seem so shallow and silly.

[GreenMango]

Just a little peeved that she would try to weasel herself into my life again... .

I'm really sorry to hear about losing your dog, a faithful friend.  The audacity and lack of emotional responsibility can be so frustrating.

Maybe don't beat yourself up too hard for being back here... .like you said you've had a loss and an appearance from someone who has hurt you.

I've been peeved before too by these kind of actions and immediately thought he's trying to reengage me or manipulate me.  Stepping back a bit has helped me see this is how this person operates.  It's very possible that her contact with you is not so much a conscious manipulative thing, but a classic example of her impulsive behaviors that she does to make herself feel better, lack of empathy about how you may feel about her and how she cares/doesn't care about how her behavior affects others, and lack of boundaries about what's appropriate after a break-up especially after one that involved a lot of conflict and betrayls. 

It would have gone down differently if you were dealing with an emotionally healthy person.  I'm really sorry she opened up this wound again.  It's okay to need a tune-up.  That's healthy reflection.

Take good care of you,

GM

[Gaslit]

Pretending for a moment, that she is a normal person. That things with you two ended normally. I would say that her reaching out after your dog passed away, was a polite and nice thing to do.

But I am betting that this is anything but the case!

And this is where they get us. They do things (when, and only when it is in their best interest), that should be normal things to do, however, they have soo f'd up previously that nothing they do can or should ever be trusted.

[Want2know]

And this is where they get us. They do things (when, and only when it is in their best interest), that should be normal things to do, however, they have soo f'd up previously that nothing they do can or should ever be trusted.

Just a friendly reminder that using words like "always" or "never", or similar phrases, regarding anyones behavior, is black and white thinking.  I'm not sure taking this one message from his ex and trying to figure out the motivation behind it, or assuming it is something it may not be, is helpful to healing. 

I like the following statement, as it shows perspective:

 Thanks for all the comforting messages, watching my dog become ill and then passing away was probably the most emotional thing I personally have ever been through, it made all the hurt and pain that I experienced while separating from my ex seem so shallow and silly.

[Gaslit]

I always never have black and white thinking!

To clarify my point, it's unfortunate but necessary to remember that while most people will send us condolences because of empathy, and really mean it, often a pwBPD will do such things for themselves, and not us. In other words, they will use it as an 'in.'

So for example, if you were to explain to an acquaintance that your ex sent you condolences, most people would be like, "Oh, that's so nice." They wouldn't understand at all, why it really wasn't so nice. They wouldn't get why it only added to your sadness.

But OP, I think you have a healthy take on it all. And that is good.

AND p.s. "PotentiallyKevin" may very well be my favorite name here! I love that. It says so much.

[Clearmind]

Gaslit, you are right to an extent. pwBPD do have empathy and some to varying degrees - this is the reason why the DSM was revised to a sliding scale of empathy. She may well have meant it - we will never know. What is more interesting is that BPD behavior is triggered in intimate relationships. Outside of relationships pwBPD can regulate emotions a lot better - they are certainly more stable. This is the reason we question diagnosis.

And yes I agree wholeheartedly Gaslit that PK's last post deserves a  . PK, you do what you need to do to look after yourself.   

[Gaslit]

What is more interesting is that BPD behavior is triggered in intimate relationships. Outside of relationships pwBPD can regulate emotions a lot better - they are certainly more stable.

True the above! Before I knew, that always killed me. I didn't get it, until I got it. Lucky us!

[2010]

At my weakest moment, she tries to wiggle herself back into my life. I was going to send her back some choice words and expressions, but decided, why initiate contact. She is past news, and may as not even exist. She can take her chaos elsewhere.

But she does exist. Obviously you once loved and cared for this person and now that that didn't work out- you hate them? Borderlines are not monsters and thinking they are the enemy (splitting black and white) is only setting you back in healing.  Why not accept her with all her flaws without taking it personally? It seems as though you have some bitterness for her expression of caring even though you expect it from others- which says you are still attached to your anger and have not quite reached acceptance of the disorder- even after 3 years.

You shared a common bond (with her) concerning a pet. The pet has now sadly passed away. Why shouldn't she express her sorrow from that common bond with you, especially concerning loss?  It would seem normal and appropriate to express a shared sadness. It is what it is. If you are that uncomfortable with her sharing this to you, or you believe she is doing it for a reason (persecuting you) then why not block any communication through facebook privacy settings? Why allow her contact?

[PotentiallyKevin]

Thanks Gaslit,

I chose the name "PotentiallyKevin" when I decided to start focusing more on me and my well being than focus so much on past hurt. At the time I was going to school and taking a class called positive psychology and the term "unlocking your potential" was thrown around a lot and stuck in the back of my mind. I thought that would make a more positive, uplifting screen name than "mobocracy" that has all sorts of negative associations. To this day, I am still a huge believer in positive psychology and man's quest for authenticity as "self-actualization". The screen-name helps remind me to keep reaching for the stars.

[PotentiallyKevin]

2010 Nons also have normal human feelings and normal human emotions that are result of genuine human experiences. I grow tired of the sweeping generalizations of why people are here on this site and what underlying torments I seem to be suffering from as a result of not "accepting" the relationship - and how this implies that haven't healed or moved on from the past relationship.

I reread my post again and again to try and decipher why it elicited such response, and still can't see it. Do I hate borderlines? I never said that? Do I think she is a monster or the enemy? I never said that... .Did I state my feelings and my opinion about what transpired? Yes. Is that open for debate? Sure... .She has BPD, I am sure she meant nothing evil from it, and she doesn't even realize the lack of tact (and remorse) for what role she played during and after the relationship as concerned for her dog, and ultimately her responsibility... .And, as far as the facebook is concerned, I blocked her original profile years ago and do not have the care nor the paranoia to make sure that all future profiles are blocked. 

Although you obviously disagree with me, I am well past the stages of accepting what BPD is and healing from the confusion and anger it caused. This is EXACTLY the same response I would have if a NONBPD partner did the same thing and then tried to casually offer their sympathies as if they were guilt-free as well. I am more than annoyed and peeved that she dumped all this responsibility off on me, and then tries to show back up on the doorstep in the aftermath as if she cared in the first place - that is why I am bitter, BPD or not, I feel this is a very appropriate feeling. This is a normal human response, I find it very dangerous to the healing of nons to tell them that this isn't or that they shouldn't feel this way... .and this is where we will have to disagree on this matter and what in fact is the definition of healing and moving on.

I understand that borderlines are not evil, but then again, what is evil? When you look at it that way, every dysfunctional behavior can be rationalized and "understood". Do I hate her... .? I hate the way she goes about her life destroying everything in her path. I hate the way she refuses to take responsibility for her actions and continues the same paths over and over, victim after victim. I hate the fact that deep down I know she just is a scared little girl that was dealt an extremely bad hand and there was nothing personally I could do to change that... .but, I don't hate her. I understand this is her futile way of trying to deal with emotional pain. I feel sorry for her, I really do. But that doesn't change the facts of the matter. The pain she caused in my life is very REAL. The lack of respect, responsibility and care that she showed that poor dog is very real. And, when she shows back up touting that she loved him and missed him so much and is so sad that he died, are these real feelings to her, sure, does it change any of the facts, no. Does it make me feel anything other than annoyed and yes, bitter? No, and why should it? We all need an outlet to vent our frustrations, let out the steam, and move on. This is my place for doing so when it comes to dealing with BPD because people here have gone through similar situations, and I find it very therapeutic.

Should I be psycho-analyzing ever feeling and emotion I have and trying to determine if it was the "right" response or what my underlying issue is that caused them? Only if I too want to go crazy. I am human and will continue being human. The good, the bad, the ugly, and that my friend is acceptance and seeing the gray in things. I had moved on. I had healed. The best I knew how. But I am sure there will always be triggering moments from the past, that will bring the past emotions to the surface, and it is best to just let them take their course and then continue on, the same way there are still triggering moments of other experiences and people in my past, not related to BPD. Simply, this is just a part of life.