Posting again because of the pain

[jjk0614]

Hi Everyone,

It's been a couple of months since I've posted last. I wish I could tell you all that I'm doing better. I'm not. This week for some reason is a really bad week. I really miss my ex fiance wBPD. This week is awful. The pain is back and feels as if she just left yesterday. I want so badly to go see her at her mom's house... .I miss her terribly. I keep thinking of only the good times. I came across a little gift bag that I had forgotten about. It had every card, note, poem, that she ever gave to me inside. I read them all. I sobbed, balled, cried for hours. It seems that I just can't get past this. I'm in therapy still and its not doing anything apparently. I'm on my second type of antideppressant and that is not doing a thing for me either. My anxiety again starts the second I open my eyes. Why do I still love this woman that hurt me so bad... .that cheated without me knowing for a year... .that treated me so terribly... .what the hell is wrong with me. I can't take much more of this pain. I don't feel like I'm strong enough anymore

[DanHealing]

Hang tough brother, we can all relate to your despair and feeling of being lost. I've been like that the past few days and it's really not easy to get out of. All I can really say is to find whatever inspired you in the past, before you met her, to inspire you now.

I used to watch inspirational videos on Youtube all the time, every morning. Listen to eye of the tiger, that also gets me in the mood to get up. If you can, go beat the ___ out of a punching bag, scream at it, get pissed! All the emotions we have built up inside are like poison, they overwhelm our senses and we have to let them out.

Trust me when I say, the only way to get out of this is by pushing yourself to new boundaries. Think of it as an expedition in a forest you've never seen, how far are you willing to go? What will you find? Just know that life is amazing, there are so many beautiful things outside of our clouded minds that we can be mesmerized by.

Stay strong, brother.

Dan

[maria1]

jjk

I've not met you before but I just read some of your past posts. I really feel for you and your loss. Here's my take on it-

You have been treated so very, very badly by someone you thought loved you. You still love her and want desperately to have the person back that you thought she was. That person is gone. She never was there and you are in shock and you are grieving and this is very early. You have been terribly betrayed.

I want to recommend a book I am reading- the Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes. It may help you to understand that you are not alone in loving someone who has betrayed you and it may help you take a tiny step forward. There is nothing wrong in your feelings.

The thing to remember is that you are making progress because you are feeling the grief. You will get past this and we will all be here for you. Tiny steps are all that are needed to get you from day to day right now. Keep posting.

[jjk0614]

So who here knows the song "All the same" by sick puppies? If you do... .then you know why I brought it up. Funny, it was my ex wBPD that introduced that song to me one of the first times I met her. Maybe she was trying to tell me something way back then. I don't know why all of a sudden I am feeling much worse than I was a couple months ago. I traveled to Tokyo and back safely... .and it was a great trip towards the end of the two weeks. But today I am in complete and utter despair. I miss her like you wouldn't believe. I miss her daughter... .and I really miss her son. I loved them both as if they were my own. I miss them running around this apartment. It's still really gloomy and dark in this house. I'm so drained from the hours of sobbing today

[TryingtobeReal]

J -

I haven't posted in a while either.   You and I both had our breakup and NC at about the same time... .

I know you miss her kids, but you can't see them.  Replace the memories of playing with them with new memories.   Volunteer at the kids' hospital or inquire about Big Brothers.  There are so many organizations that would love to have caring men volunteer their time with kids. 

We don't want to go back to what we had before and realistically, it isn't even an option for us. 

Are you working out?   Celebrating your successes at work?   I know you mentioned your job and how happy you are with it.   

I know it's not easy.  Trust me, I think of him EVERY day.  And sometimes just wish I could cut off that part of my life and get it out of my brain... .like cutting out a cancerous tumor.   The pwBPD sucked the life out of us when we were with them and we can't continue to let them do that.

Stay strong, T

[Neglecture]

Hang tough brother, we can all relate to your despair and feeling of being lost. I've been like that the past few days and it's really not easy to get out of. All I can really say is to find whatever inspired you in the past, before you met her, to inspire you now.

I used to watch inspirational videos on Youtube all the time, every morning. Listen to eye of the tiger, that also gets me in the mood to get up. If you can, go beat the ___ out of a punching bag, scream at it, get pissed! All the emotions we have built up inside are like poison, they overwhelm our senses and we have to let them out.

Trust me when I say, the only way to get out of this is by pushing yourself to new boundaries. Think of it as an expedition in a forest you've never seen, how far are you willing to go? What will you find? Just know that life is amazing, there are so many beautiful things outside of our clouded minds that we can be mesmerized by.

Stay strong, brother.

Dan

Amen Dan!  Your response just made my day as I'm in a bit of a mental funk/loop myself.  Thanks man!

[beachgirl009]

I might have to set "eye of the tiger" as my alarm clock now... .good idea. 

I'm two months out and a little over two weeks complete NC.  I've been weepy for the last week.  I know that I miss the man that I fell for and was with for the first year of our relationship.  I started a journal the day I gave back the ring, when I feel strong feelings of caving and contacting him, I go back and reread all the reasons that I broke it all off. 

This break up with my fiance has been much like I would feel a divorce would.  We had lived together for more than two years, had a business together, his children had a beautifully decorated room in my home.  I can't even go in there now, since there is no longer the bunk beds and stuffed animals.  All I"m left with is a big empty purple room full of memories of two girls I considered my children. 

Luckily I have a great friends and family who are helping me get out of the house.  They will let me cry when I need to and they will listen even if I'm repeating myself.  These weepy days are going to happen, but in the long run I know I made the right choice.  I want a child and I could not bring a child into our relationship, I had already spent many hours protecting his two when we had them. 

Okay just babbling now... .

[oletimefeelin]

I've actually wondered how you're doing.  Glad you checked in.  Sorry to hear things have been shtty.  This is the only way through my man.  You are taking this like a man and feeling it all.  A borderline can't do this.  You're the healthy one here.  As much as this sucks right now.

I wish I had a cure for you.  I don't.  Your reliance on meds concerns me.  I want you to know that you are strong enough to pull through this. 

My experience through all of this was there were many waves of emotions.  It's by no means a linear progression. I actually found crying made things better.  One person here recommended a book.  I'd encourage you to read some for yourself.  Self-improvement psychology stuff.  A good diet, exercise, and sleep will get you moving in a positive direction.  Also, if it's not working out with this therapist find another one.  They're not saviors.  It's you that has to do the work.  You will be a better man on the other end of this.  Too much bs creeps up from the past for you not to.

[jjk0614]

I'm now on my 3rd therapist since my ex left in Feb. Maybe I'm just blocking the whole therapy thing and no matter who it is, I won't gel with them. I don't know. What I do know is today I'm at work. I'm also going to stay close to this board all day. I'm still a mess. The anxiety started again as soon as I awoke and saw the right side of the bed empty. I finally felt that this wound was closing and then something happened last weekend that I didn't post about. I met a girl about 1.5 months ago on the same website I met my exwBPD on. We started to become closer over the last 3 weeks. She lives 20 minutes from my daughter and she has 4 kids herself. Yes 4 kids... .and she is only separated from her husband for 8 months. I should have known I was a rebound. So to make a long story short... .we spent last weekend together. It was the first time since my ex left me that I finally felt that I could possibly love again. This girl spent all weekend telling me how amazing I am and how she is falling for me hard. I fell for it... .hook, line and sinker. So I left her on sunday and she picked up her kids. She discussed the possibility of her dating again with her kids and they freaked. Well, instead of communicating this to me, she just sent a text saying that her kids aren't ready to see her date so her and I are done. In a text... .just like my exwBPD. So... .the wound reopened, and opened up big again. I'm not missing the girl from last weekend... .I didn't know her well enough or long enough to have serious feelings for her. But this brought back all the pain from my exwBPD. I really miss her so much. I don't know how to shake it again. I swear I wish I was asexual.The pain is bad today... .sobbing here at work. Thank you all so much for being here for me. I truly feel I do not deserve it.

[MaybeSo]

Balling your eyes out doesn't mean you aren't healing. To the contrary!  It's exactly what is needed. Just exactly what you need to do. Exactly.  And you are doing it! That takes guts.   Congratulations and welcome to the human race!

[Neglecture]

Well, instead of communicating this to me, she just sent a text saying that her kids aren't ready to see her date so her and I are done. In a text... .just like my exwBPD.

When the method of communication for breakups is email or a text, the whole process is frustrating and cowardly.  They think they are trying to be crafty and complete when assembling these messages, but it's actually highly impersonal and soulless. My ex also used email as a tactless and stark way to break up each of the four times.  I shamefully allowed this because she might have over-reacted and called the police if I were to request we meet in person and discuss the matter since she has a restraining order on an ex-fiance and another cease and desist letter sent to another ex-bf's workplace.  The worst part is that there were trivial, resolvable issues mentioned that she never brought up with me before that she let loose.  This issues angered me and I lashed back, which is not the response I would recommend or ever take again.  I fell into her projective identification trap me ex subconsciously set up when I defended myself and counterattacked and that made thing MUCH worse in the end!

Still, all relationships need communication to succeed, and pwBPDs are so poor at conducting it in a constructive manner, there is often no recourse for dealing with what amounts to their their lack of true commitment and showing resolve. Despite their words to you, pwBPDs don't know what True Love is... .

[oletimefeelin]

Jjk,

Get off the dating web sites.  This is you and you alone.  You have to want to help yourself.  When the time comes, you can find someone else. 

[OnceConfused]

the only way out of the storm is TO GO THROUGH IT.

The best way I learned throught the dead of my 1st wife was to NOT DENY the facts of life, but to EMBRACE THEM.

Embrace life as it occurs, the goods and the bads. We laugh when the time is good, but we have to accept the crying when the time is bad.

Change your attitude. Instead of wanting what you cannot have, want what you have. Ask not what I can have, but ask what I do have. We do have so many positive things, for example, we are not bed ridden, we are not paralyzed, but we have good health, we have good jobs, good friends, good community.  Why don't we want them?

Time will make the pain go away.

[jjk0614]

I suppose that time is the only thing that will remove this pain from me. I've read the stages of abandonment article. It's amazing. I think I'm going back and forth between 2 and 3. God just reading the descriptions of those stages is so depressing, but spot on. I'm hopeful today after reading all of your amazing posts and supportive words that I can do this... .and your right Oletimefeelin... .I'm not ready to date yet, not by a long shot

[Knivesxx1]

You wanna know why the title of the post caught my eye? Because it mentions pain. The very very last thing my BPD said to me was "why are you in pain? why do you love me, all that was a long time ago" It helps me to remember this cause it keeps me nc and also makes me feel better. He had stopped loving me way before I even knew it.

Time will heal. It royally sucks because it takes so long but you will get there... .Im sure. (I'm not close to there yet)

[ellil]

I used to watch inspirational videos on Youtube all the time, every morning. Listen to eye of the tiger, that also gets me in the mood to get up. If you can, go beat the ___ out of a punching bag, scream at it, get pissed! All the emotions we have built up inside are like poison, they overwhelm our senses and we have to let them out.

Dan

Hey, a big shoutout to Dan from me today. I'm a creature of habit and still dislike Monday mornings. I was laying in bed just letting the time tick away and I remembered this post about Eye of the Tiger, so I pulled it up on my iPad while laying in bed--got energized and ran on my treadmill for a few miles and then stretched.

So, it worked! Got me through the Monday morning lazies! (I even posted the video on my FB to share it with any of my lazy-arse friends!)

M

[DanHealing]

I used to watch inspirational videos on Youtube all the time, every morning. Listen to eye of the tiger, that also gets me in the mood to get up. If you can, go beat the ___ out of a punching bag, scream at it, get pissed! All the emotions we have built up inside are like poison, they overwhelm our senses and we have to let them out.

Dan

Hey, a big shoutout to Dan from me today. I'm a creature of habit and still dislike Monday mornings. I was laying in bed just letting the time tick away and I remembered this post about Eye of the Tiger, so I pulled it up on my iPad while laying in bed--got energized and ran on my treadmill for a few miles and then stretched.

So, it worked! Got me through the Monday morning lazies! (I even posted the video on my FB to share it with any of my lazy-arse friends!)

M

Awesomeeeeee! I'm glad I was able to help!

Dan

[Tippy]

Thought I would send you this... .I am nearly 4 years out yes 4YEARS!  I went into a rebound relationship and it kept opening wounds up for me so please try and stay away and give time to yourself.  YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS... .I have to shout this out because it at times like you are going through now you are convinced this will never ever stop.  I still to this day have very very bad days, usually 2 to 3 days every six months or so.  There may be a trigger that reminds me of what happened.  Life now is good... .been in a very healthy and happy relationship for a year now.  It took me 3 years to heal to the point of letting a real relationship develop.  Please dont let that discourage you as you may heal very much faster than me.  I had a lot of therapy to understand myself as to why I let this man take over, lie, manipulate, cheat, love me, hate me, isolate me and control me.  I am there now with a couple of hic ups now and again. What happened to the ex?  He is still trying to contact and beg me back believe it or not... .he is still with the woman he left me for despite their relationship breaking up more times than I have had hot dinners.  I am a wise woman now, my life is good and I want you to work through these feelings because the other side of this is sweet, stable, happy and with a knowledge and experience that has gone to enhance my current relationship.

 

[jjk0614]

Thank you Tippy... .your words are very very encouraging... .the time frame you mentioned?... .ha... not so much. I do feel like this will just never ever end. I'm in therapy to work on my codependancy. It's bad. I feel that I just won't be ok until another comes to rescue this shattered heart. I know I need to be ok on my own. To stand on my own two feet and live life and be happy... .by myself. I just don't know how to get there. My exwBPD is in my every thought. I miss her more than I could ever express in words. I truly feel somedays that I cannot live without her love. Today is one of those days. It's only 8 am and I've already sobbed for hours today. So I sit here at work like a zombie, thinking of her and the kids... .wondering if I'm even a thought in her mind... .wondering if she misses me... it's awful

[Nomanzland]

It can be a song, a smell, whatever, that brings the good memories flooding back to skew up our reality all over again and reduce us to unbearable grief. I think you have to go with it and allow yourself time to cry. I find myself sometimes able to step to the side and say, its ok, you have had a  massive loss and its healthy and part of the whole process to lose it sometimes and bawl for hours.

I have a journal of some of the cruel and vicious things that happened during my marriage, and it helps to read it and just remember what the reality of the relationship was. There are healthy, normal women out there, who will nurture and love you in a real way when you are ready.

I wish you peace.

[once removed]

hey jjk,

id wondered about you as well. I'm pretty disappointed sam-e didn't do more for you, but it ain't like it cured me. meds are good for functioning and motivation, and from my experience really help get rid of the crying spells, but they aren't a cure either. there's not a lot that is, short of time, and the good people here. there's not a lot for me to offer than to tell you that you WILL make it. don't be discouraged or surprised by either how long it can take, or the setbacks. its all a normal part of that grieving process. I'm not that surprised by the lack of improvement with therapy either, finding someone you gel with can be tough, but id encourage you to keep trying. I'm weary of dating sites myself, primarily because I gather that they're littered with the personality disordered, and so many members met their BPDex on one. hang in there.

[help4me]

Keep your head up. Only time can heal old wombs. Once you can truly heal you will be able to move on and find someone who will truly appreciate the beauty of a life with you.

[benny2]

Try not to think of the good times. Being on here has helped me alot because it has refreshed the memories of what a nightmare I was living. The good times are fading more and more everyday because they definatly out weigh the good. Hang in there you are heading for a much happier you.