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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: What makes somebody to create, so dearly, just do destroy it soon?  (Read 366 times)
Pytagoras
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« on: November 15, 2019, 01:18:41 PM »

What makes someone to construct a house, decorate it, think about it, idealize what it will become, create it's funtionality, just to destroy it right after?

My exBPD/NPDgf lived in aprox. 80 houses so far. She decorated them, with so much motivation, it was so hard to put everything nice and functional, in the 3 houses we lived in, but we did it. And she did just the same in her other 77 houses, both alone or with her friends of bfs at the time. Only to leave, most of the times, when she hadn't to.

And that's metaforical to everything she does in her life. She embraces a life project, a job, a company, a relationship with so much initial motivation. And then, she needs to destroy it all. And i mean, sometimes it's not just leave, it's plain destruction. When she is with a bf that does everything for her and treats her nicely, the more nice he his, more she tries to destroy it. When she is cheating on him, she doesnt have one affair. She bangs with 3 or more guys in the same day, she screws his friends, etc.. That's not just seeking for atention. She could do that with other guys. Why with friends? Why with so many guys? She doesn't even feel much atraction for some of them. That's destruction of the nice things in her life, plain and simple.

Is it Death Drive, "Thanatos"?

How can we explain this?

What motivates that?

Why set up such strong creative forces just to embrace destructive forces right after?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2019, 04:59:40 PM »

jobs, relationships, collateral damage.

The destruction, bridge burning (to answer why I believe it is aggravated - sleeping with friends etc), is destroying the fear of abandonment as the likely the primary objective.

As a support site here, geared towards helping with relationships that have ended up sour. What about the types of relationships that actually thrive long term and never reach here? The quiet borderlines who either do not have relationships at all, then pwBPD who choose relationships with the type that do not themselves emotionally attach in the first place and therefore do not trigger this fear.

Im wondering beyond this Pytagoras - I take it from what I read you are/were the nice person, attached emotionally and made yourself vulnerable. Now having to deal with the aftermath -> heal, strengthen, pick yourself up, learn etc.

The ones who are attractive as "bad guys", dont have to, but the flip side of the coin is, just as hollow inside and emotionally non existent.

The "friends" who perhaps were not really as much friends as expected - just another double whammy to deal with and mop up. but "destroyed" it is a heavy word to use, one that I have done but would not today. At least if I run with it, there is not much to use the metaphor of houses - what can be destroyed can be rebuilt, usually there is plenty of 2 by 4.

In terms of emotional healing, feelings at the time of destroyed. At what point in time can we ever declare that this actually occurred? Was it when the cheating was discovered or the first destructive event, or was it far prior? What was carried through, unbeknownst at the time that we inherited unwittingly the first moment we set eyes on them?

The relationship was moribund from the start, there was nothing that could be destroyed nor created. To "love" in my book - is to make oneself emotionally intimate and at the same time vulnerable. I assumed she had done this based on interpreting her words, behaviours - wrong assumptions. The upside personally here is, I havent lost anything in the sense that it is not possible to have destroyed what was never created in the first place.

In terms of semantics, "relationship" fits. Beyond that very limiting manner of perspective - I see it more Star Trekish - "a relationship Pytagoras, but not as we know it" Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2019, 06:55:20 PM »

Hello Cromwell,

Good points you made there. Indeed, it cannot be destroyed what has never been built.

She didn't destroyed love, true intimacy, true and honest relationship, because those were never there. Only the fantasy. The fantasy was vanished.

But she does infact destroy something that she builts everytime she does it, even if is something with little or no deepness. I saw her enthusiastically engage in diferent jobs, projects, relationships, houses. But then...

Excerpt
I take it from what I read you are/were the nice person, attached emotionally and made yourself vulnerable.

Yes. I was. But was not talking just about me. She had some nice previous bf, particularly one that was very gentle with her, and gave her a very nice life, and that was the most cheated of all her bfs.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2019, 06:17:23 PM »

Only the fantasy. The fantasy was vanished.

Yet the fantasy had significance all the same. What about closely related terms -

destructor of: hope, dreams,
creator of: disappointment

A dream stealer? which becomes a morph of destructor-stealer-creator

Was all of the fantasy ruined, or some elements? I could as much think of times where she was a dream come true - other times a living nightmare to endure, others - banal unremarkable moments. Stuff that doesnt feature in discussion, the average-ness, the mediocrity stuff that made the relationship feel "normal" and illness devoid.

Not to expand the scope of this discussion, her pattern of destruction. But can there be a duality of the act of destruction paving the way for the construction of something else in it's place. I dont neccessarily mean another relationship although that is one possibility. With regards to my ex, one fantasy quashed provided the grass shoots for a dozen new.

Seeming destruction leading to creation. Is this not part of the cyclical nature of life itself? Every relationship has an expiry date. Even if were possible to have one where every fantasy would be fulfilled - would that in itself not be an equal form of destruction?

There are many aspects of the relationship that I feel justified in claiming to be worthy of deeming negative, harmful, deeply disappointing. I focused on these, it took time also to appreciate that there were aspects of having hold of my own fantasies and unrealistic expectations that my ex could not fulfill and not having the empathy to realise why not. Not understanding her condition that wasnt appraised into any prior conceived fantasies. Amendments to the fantasy that with time, patience, love - all would eventually work out well in the end.

Works the other way too, I wonder how much I put a damper on her fantasies, there was always a feeling I had of being expected to match up to some abstract ideal she had made occasional reference to. Maybe I did some destruction of my own here?

My summary is, there is definite a place for fantasies, dreams, pursuing them to an extent is healthy. It is when too much zealousness is applied, getting fixated on them and generally carried away. Makes the acts of destruction on them more difficult to endure - where or who to apply this fault towards?

Nice guy, bad guy, these terms are subjective and relative. I thought I was a nice person when I held the door open rather than let it swing into the person behind me. She was an extreme feminist who told me she is perfectly capable of opening a door herself. In her mind, was I nice guy - or a man who was exerting some form of veiled dominion to imply woman generally are weaker.

nice guy/bad guy, we have our own perspectives on it, not perfectly superimposed on anyone else and far-off kilter from some others.

Pytagoras - slice and dice it however much I tried, eek out explanations or find some sort of historic pattern. The net result outcome made no difference - the relationship and the fantasy both ran out steam in the end, it was a disappointment - whoever destroyed it does not change this either way.

Do you have others, did you get new ones? (fantasies, dreams) in place of what has vanished or been destroyed? I dont believe anyone can hold a monopoly over something so innate to us.
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