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Author Topic: Your ex was emotionally immature. Were you? Yes? No?  (Read 16698 times)
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« Reply #30 on: May 24, 2013, 07:18:42 AM »

Yeah, I was emotionally immature, (as were both my parents.)  When I felt him pulling away, I got needy and clingy, insecure and jealous.  That is definitely emotionally immature.

I was also immature around sex in the sense that when he stopped initiating I pushed for that connection, instead of just pulling back and looking at what was happening.  I took it as a personal rejection, instead of realizing that our libidos were not in sync.

I was also very self aware, communicated my insecurities, apologized for acting out of my fears, and knew that part of it was me.  I was taking responsibility for my issues, but yeah my issues came up.

I regret my part in not making the relationship work, because I really felt that he was the love of my life.  There were also many, many times that I was great - caring, helpful, generous, fun, and mature as well.

The sad thing is that I was working very hard to change acting out of my insecure fears: reading books, writing on another online forum, doing teleclasses on relationship skills, reality checking my expectations with friends etc, and I was beginning to change into a more mature person. 

The good qualities I know I possess are loyalty, honesty, consistency, affection, communication skills, the ability to apologize, and the ability to look at myself.  So I have to give myself credit for those things.

I regret any stress that I contributed to the relationship.  It's hard to not blame myself, especially because he chose to break it off.  But on the other hand my T is completely sure he's undiagnosed BPD, as well as a couple of other health professionals, and everything I read here validates that he is.  So although I don't blame him for everything, I also know his history of relationship instability, and the unstable and abrupt way he ended things with us. 

If I had been more mature, I'm not sure whether the relationship would have lasted longer, or perhaps ended a lot sooner. 
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« Reply #31 on: May 24, 2013, 07:51:09 PM »

I was very emotionally immature and to a degree I still am. I have Aspergers so I am very self aware that my emotional level is much lower than the average person but my logic level is much higher than average.

Despite that, I have managed to achieve a lot in my life and been able to set healthy boundaries and have healthy relationships in the past. My guard was truly down for this one though and although I identified red flags at the very beginning, I still continued with the relationship to an unhealthy level. I am very aware that we matched each other on an emotional level and that's part of what kept me in the relationship. I could feel guilt and take responsibility for my own behaviour where hers was projected, because in her mind she is selfless and flawless so all issues must be mine.

It was a difficult situation for my therapist at first trying to figure out who had what, considering he was therapist to both of us individually and also as a couple. I did have reservations about this in the beginning but I'm glad I stuck with him so he saw the whole picture. The key to it all for him, was both of our reactions to the breakup, not to mention the rage attacks he came under as I was starting to get healthy and she was blaming him for turning me against her. The other key difference, I took responsibility for everything, she took responsibility for nothing.

We were both as emotionally mature as each other and it's sad because she will never understand or accept that.

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« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2013, 08:22:36 PM »

I was emotionally immature with low self-esteem.

I think an emotionally mature person would see through the glitz and glamour of the unrealistically perfect "honeymoon phase" and begin to question why something just doesn't "feel right."  I think an emotionally mature person would listen to their instincts and walk away pretty quick. 

Those of us who were immature ignored our instincts because the attention made us feel so fabulous.  When the attention went away we became desperate to get it back again.

Seeking approval from anyone other than ourselves is a sign of emotional immaturity; it's stemming from our own arrested emotional development.  The secret is to stop focusing on why someone else behaved the way they did and begin to focus on why we ever thought it was ok to begin with.

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« Reply #33 on: May 25, 2013, 11:25:10 AM »

Seeking approval from anyone other than ourselves is a sign of emotional immaturity; it's stemming from our own arrested emotional development.  The secret is to stop focusing on why someone else behaved the way they did and begin to focus on why we ever thought it was ok to begin with.

This is just one of the million dollar secrets. For me it began with having poor boundaries (didn't know what boundaries were by definition) and having poor communication skills (I thought I communicated just fine. Knew nothing about skills to deal with conflict). Add in my expectations, that things should be a certain way or people should act a certain way and this was just in general. My expectations for my exBPDgf to function as if she didn't have a mental disorder was unrealistic. Knowing nothing about BPD then, I see this only in hindsight.

There is a welcome side effect to self awareness, and that is once you become serious about working on your own emotional maturity you begin to see it in others. You begin to see the presence or lack of. 
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« Reply #34 on: May 25, 2013, 04:17:05 PM »

Knowing there's a big problem. Trying to solve the problem by wanting the SO to change.

Seeing that SO doesn't change, so there's still a big problem. Still trying to solve the problem by wanting the SO to change. Seeing that SO doesn't change, so... . For ten years.

Yep, definitily immaturity. As posted above: focusing on ourselves is the way to do it. I can see now. I've probably grown a bit since being tossed out. 
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« Reply #35 on: May 25, 2013, 06:48:11 PM »

I'm a funny mix. I'm super serious about some things, like if my friends had an embarrassing problem, I'd never laugh or make fun. I also take my responsibilities very seriously and am very loyal and honest.  I work hard and have a professional job.

When it comes to relationships though, I'm inexperienced. I guess I'm emotionally immature at those, as I had not much previous experience to compare them to.  I can also get quite exciteable about life in general, like a small child, and people call me Tigger as I'm quite hyperactive.

So I'm not really sure about the answer to this question!
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« Reply #36 on: May 26, 2013, 01:06:50 PM »

So I'm not really sure about the answer to this question!

mango at the beginning of this thread are some questions to ask oneself. It's good to ask yourself questions such as these and contemplate the answers, this can offer a different perspective.  
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« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2013, 06:13:04 PM »

At any given point in time anyone is emotionally immature.  I am sure if you were to ask my ex, assuming she is in her right mind which she rarely is these days, she could tell you times when I was not.  Having said that I went into this relationship in good faith, and she gave every appearance that she was doing the same.  Perhaps she was at one time, there were some red flags but she gave what appeared to be a sincere effort to be working on them for a long time... .

To answer your question many of us were fooled and conned big time, but that does not make us emotionally immature.   

SWLSR, your words resonate with me most. i feel the majority of posts i read from non-BPDs seem to recognize some immaturity, or co-dependence or other psychological issues which can be attributed to why they were with a BPD. i have done lots of self work--self awareness, thinking, etc. and there's just many things i still don't identify with in my ex r/s.

for one, i know i may catch flack for this but i can't really think of any mirroring going on throughout our r/s--the things my ex and i connected on were things that we were both interested in before and after our r/s. sure we perhaps "mirrored" each others behaviors some, but no more/less than an any other healthy r/s i've been in. i'm sure if i go through 4 yrs of time perhaps i could find some instance--but, no i never felt the need or was attracted to being mirrored; i never felt like the r/s was any more "passionate" than others i've had, etc. when things were good, it just felt true and good, just like other r/s i've been in... . but when it got bad... .

and yes, there were times when in arguments i said some really bad things. and, being in this r/s has strengthened my resolve in this manner, i feel i am able to better control these emotions. however, i can see now that i was/am *far* less reactive than the "average guy". my reactions to the emotional poison she was bringing to the table, although not perfect zen-buddha, were far more 'mature' than what i know of r/s she's been in both before and after ours. now of course seeing things with wiser eyes, it makes sense to me when i think about how she told me how other men reacted to her before me--throwing chairs through windows, burning/destroying things precious to her (like burning her books or other things). and, the crazy things that have happened in two of her r/s in the past year since we've broken up--ex's calling her every foul name under the sun (i never did... . out loud :-), stealing her ID's and SS cards, etc. i don't feel like these guys were bad guys per se, i feel they were *normal* guys reacting to her *abnormal* poison. i feel fortunate to have been strong enough and not react this way (because i sure did want to do and say these things), in this way i feel i was mature, not perfect, but more mature than many others.

i know that the only way to learn and move forward is to work on oneself, find out how you can improve yourself. and i agree, but i can't identify sometimes with many others views on taking responsibility for the majority of the issues which i feel like BPD was the root of in the r/s. in contrast, i feel like perhaps my ability to be patient, independent, not overly needy, etc. was something that my ex wasn't used to from men, most of whom try to give her whatever she wants, dazzled by her beauty. these types of guys don't seem to last as long, b/c she gets bored with them then goes into the "hater" phase much faster than in our r/s.

i never felt the need or ever believed i could "fix" her either. i knew only she could fix herself. however i do feel like in a way i was a more stable partner, in the sense i was able to withstand more of her poisons than most before reaching the breaking point; which is why the r/s lasted so long.

i didn't know what BPD was until a year after the breakup. i don't feel like i was emotionally immature per se, although now i do feel wiser, especially after reading up on this condition and understanding our history through a clearer lens. yes, i've grown tons from this ordeal, however i see the whole situation more as an *initiation* to be learned from, rather than a lesson brought on by immaturity. does anyone else feel this way?
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« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2013, 02:45:51 AM »

Fantastic thread!

And yes... . a lot to work on, when you look at that list

I believe I am more emotionally mature when in r/ships but very immature in my selection process up front and the way I try to control or change partners. If choosing better in the first place I wouldn't need to do this!

Really looking forward to applying what I now know in the next r/ship but strangely, very happy on my own right now and to keep working on stuff like this privately

BB12

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« Reply #39 on: November 04, 2013, 11:18:38 AM »

yes i was immature. i didn't have the internal strength to assert myself calmly, i became upset at first and then, when she didn't stop, flustered and more at her BPDish accusations, and retorted instead of letting it roll away. i am/was very sensitive to others' statements about me, having been raised by a paranoiac who not only fabricated things but acted on them, so i was given alot of aggro by my stbxw. another aspect of this is reflexively doubting everything i think. correcting that is the primary work of the massive therapy i'm in now.

in bold below:

I was emotionally immature, but in a different way than he was, and I also saw myself as superior to him emotionally/health-wise. I could see how screwed up his reactions and responses to situations were, and the overly-dramatic responses to many minor things, and I saw myself as far healthier than he. So, I was immature in a different way, in that I'd apologize to him for things that I still believe I bore very little responsibility for, just to keep the peace and make him feel better, and just so I didn't have to end the relationships.

I also ignored the red flags and did whatever was necessary to keep the relationship "intact."

Again, another uncanny parallel to the relationship I had with my ex uBPDgf.  The only difference is that my immaturity manifested when I took her bait and vehemently defended myself after bizarre accusations in a breakup email she sent.  I simply didn't have the composure or resolve to respond properly without inciting and inflaming the situation further... .

however, i was perfectly mature in ways. i was forethoughtful for our future, sober, reliable, great around the house. she was BPD: irresponsible and undisciplined, and it was my job to take care of her problems. under no circumstances was she to take herself in hand; expecting her to do so was "not giving emotional support." 
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« Reply #40 on: November 04, 2013, 12:59:04 PM »

yes... I was 16 when I met him... my family had just moved so really didn't have a lot of friends... 18months before I was a victim  of rape and sexual abuse from the same guy... grew up with a alcoholic/uBPD father who was abusive in every way possible.

Saw the red flags... NEW it was a mistake to marry him... .went ahead because I had no idea you could break an engagement.

I grew up... he didn't. ... 33 years later... I'm still here (for now) because it's expected.
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« Reply #41 on: November 04, 2013, 02:09:02 PM »

My first response was, "No, it's her! What the... ."

Then I ruminated on it for a few days.

While in reality, I have 10 years' more life experience than my X, my emotional maturity, while more stable, was still based on fantasy idealization. On the surface, my goals are stable and mature (and right), underneath this, the object of my goals (her, or others) made mine the very definition of a loaded relationship almost from the beginning.

On some level, I knew this, and knew it didn't feel right (the gut instinct). Yet still I plowed ahead the fallow field. Little did I know it was a minefield, and I dropped some mines myself. I knew it wasn't right to let her cross boundary after boundary. Yet I still let her. I knew it wasn't right to move in together so quickly... .hers was a desperation to have me there. I fought it, until I gave in. I knew it wasn't right to have a child within a year of that. Yet I did. Then the second.

I knew it wasn't right to "let" her go out at night this past year, to get it out of her system. I knew I would grow more resentful of her. She felt it, which triggered her affair. In my own way, I gave her the silent treatment, and detached under the surface. The ST was my own childhood defense mechanism against living with an angry single mother (never a husband or boyfriend on which to take out her rages and depressions... .so I bore the full brunt).

I have gotten better through all of this. Though I was in my own "hermit mode" for many years, at least as far as intimate relationships went, I now feel that need to "rescue" a waif! And I am not really sure how it would be with an emotionally healthy woman (I never have, and still may never), or if I would sabotage that out of the chute.

I am described as emotionally stable, well adjusted, calm, kind, patient... .yet underneath that is my co-dependent Caretaker personality, attracted to being the Listener, which is where this all starts.

Yes, I have a lot of work to do.
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« Reply #42 on: November 04, 2013, 02:12:27 PM »

Without a doubt, I was and am.  But, again, the gift of having a relationship with a borderline, is getting to know yourself better.

I learned as much about myself in the relationship as I did about her (ex BPDw) and not all of it was good.   I doubt she can say the same, though.
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« Reply #43 on: November 04, 2013, 03:03:50 PM »

Yes, I was and am, though not as much as before. Till now I struggle to understand whether I am very stupid or immature and naive.

I believed and wanted to believe in ideal love, fully giving and receiving, sacrificing. Lately I read that NPDs and BPDs have ideal love fantasies as well. 

I believed that we were meant to be for each other.  I believed that after what I did I needed to take everything from him, endure his drinking and mood swings with push/pull. After three months he told me in anger that he stopped loving me. Instead of giving him time to figure out himself his feelings and working on myself, I started apologizing and asked him to be my friend. It was very immature. I basically tried to manipulate him by being there as a friend and trying to show him my love so he can one day realize that he was not right. I was more like a kid who is told that she is not loved - instead of walking away as a healthy adult I stayed and tried to fix/change/prove. When he after certain time told me that he felt love again I became all over happy, as a kid receiving a Christmas present, though my rational mind was ringing that there is a lot of inconsistency in his feelings, words and actions.

I am still emotionally immature, instead of fully detaching and working on my personal growth, I often slip and ask myself questions:

- does he love me?

- does he miss me?

And get really upset.

The problem is that I was emotionally immature before meeting my BPD. I desperately and obsessively wanted to be loved.
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« Reply #44 on: November 04, 2013, 03:49:09 PM »

Split From: Your ex was emotionally immature.  Were you?  Yes? No?

Emotionally immature... .?

No.

I accepted my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

In round 2... .

Even knowing about her disorder... .

And what was going to happen.

That requires maturity... .

To accept a person like that.

My sense of judgement... .

However... .

Was impaired.

Still is.

Rectifying that.

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« Reply #45 on: November 04, 2013, 04:05:15 PM »

Without a doubt, I was and am.  But, again, the gift of having a relationship with a borderline, is getting to know yourself better.

I learned as much about myself in the relationship as I did about her (ex BPDw) and not all of it was good.   I doubt she can say the same, though.

You hit the nail on the head there! My X thinks, based on secret things that she wrote, that therapy and this situation is "fixing" me. Since I'm the problem. She is actually close to the truth, but not in the way she thinks. She really has no idea what is going on with her (well, an idea, but she keeps running away when she gets close to figuring it out), nor with me. I don't even want to engage her at this point, though we can't help it sometimes, living in the same house for now. I strongly fear the Recycle... .
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« Reply #46 on: November 04, 2013, 04:06:53 PM »

Emotionally immature... .?

No.

I accepted my exUBPDgf... .

Back into my life... .

In round 2... .

Even knowing about her disorder... .

And what was going to happen.

That requires maturity... .

To accept a person like that.

My sense of judgement... .

However... .

Was impaired.

Still is.

Rectifying that.

Well said Ironmanfalls! :-) 
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« Reply #47 on: November 04, 2013, 04:42:02 PM »

Excerpt
My first response was, "No, it's her! What the... ."

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) my first response when hearing about emotional maturity and that we pick partners with complimentary or equal maturity was "no way - it was him.  He did x, y,z... ."

The strange thing about emotional maturity is part of it is having unrealistic expectations and willingness to deny the reality in order to forge forward thru what would normally send a person packing.

I stayed, rationalized, had twisted up hope, etc.  These things were totally immature.

Some emotional immaturity traits include things like enabling, having little boundaries or relaxing them to appease, minimizing, rationalizing, engaging in circular arguments, poor self esteem... .the list is long.

The silver lining - there is one sometimes its hard to see - is having these exposed to address them.  I know there were things that I look back on and say to myself why the hello did I do that? Knowing that it wasnt something I wanted to repeat ever again. 

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« Reply #48 on: November 04, 2013, 04:49:05 PM »

Without a doubt, I was emotionally immature. I was 18 years old and she was 34. She pounced on that like a cat on a mouse. I'm sure we all make mistakes when we were 18 and boy did I make a huge mistake. Life lesson learned at the expense of a lifetime of emotional baggage.
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« Reply #49 on: November 04, 2013, 05:17:35 PM »

Excerpt
My first response was, "No, it's her! What the... ."

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) my first response when hearing about emotional maturity and that we pick partners with complimentary or equal maturity was "no way - it was him.  He did x, y,z... ."

The strange thing about emotional maturity is part of it is having unrealistic expectations and willingness to deny the reality in order to forge forward thru what would normally send a person packing.

I stayed, rationalized, had twisted up hope, etc.  These things were totally immature.

Some emotional immaturity traits include things like enabling, having little boundaries or relaxing them to appease, minimizing, rationalizing, engaging in circular arguments, poor self esteem... .the list is long.

The silver lining - there is one sometimes its hard to see - is having these exposed to address them.  I know there were things that I look back on and say to myself why the hello did I do that? Knowing that it wasnt something I wanted to repeat ever again. 

Thanks, GM. That is succinct, and and accurately describes me, I think. Will cut and paste into the document I keep of posts here that resonate with me and will help me later... .
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« Reply #50 on: November 04, 2013, 05:26:42 PM »

It describes most of us here.  Things we did for love or what we thought was love that turned out to be an immature or unrealistic version of love.

Learning about this stuff really can put a whole new spin on the idea of unconditional love and relationships. It exposes some of our own false beliefs or tender spots on what we needed and how far we were willing to go at almost any cost.
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« Reply #51 on: November 04, 2013, 05:43:20 PM »

This is an interesting question.  She's 45 and I'm 52, and I saw a big gap in our maturity levels right from the beginning, considered it endearing even, and even upset her when she asked me to fill out a recommendation form for her, and I listed her maturity as 'below average'.  That went over less than well.

But as we got deeper into the relationship, there were things that bothered me that I didn't bring up, hoping they would smooth out with time; stupid yes, but immature?  Not sure.  And by then she'd started attacking my esteem regularly, which I saw as an attempt at control and let her get away with, again shoulda said something, but I was fully aware of what was going on.  And then at some point I got lost.  The emotions got intense enough that I started thinking and acting irrationally; was that immaturity?  Maybe, or maybe just massive confusion trying to create a functional relationship with a disordered individual.  Dunno.  But it didn't last long, my anger is what saved me and snapped me back to reality, but I did definitely get lost for a while.  Is letting your emotions get the best of you for a while immature?  Hmmm.  I'll definitely cop to inexperienced and naive, but I need to read a few more posts to see how immature I was.  Processing... .
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« Reply #52 on: November 04, 2013, 06:00:52 PM »

This is an interesting question.  She's 45 and I'm 52, and I saw a big gap in our maturity levels right from the beginning, considered it endearing even, and even upset her when she asked me to fill out a recommendation form for her, and I listed her maturity as 'below average'.  That went over less than well.

But as we got deeper into the relationship, there were things that bothered me that I didn't bring up, hoping they would smooth out with time; stupid yes, but immature?  Not sure.  And by then she'd started attacking my esteem regularly, which I saw as an attempt at control and let her get away with, again shoulda said something, but I was fully aware of what was going on.  And then at some point I got lost.  The emotions got intense enough that I started thinking and acting irrationally; was that immaturity?  Maybe, or maybe just massive confusion trying to create a functional relationship with a disordered individual.  Dunno.  But it didn't last long, my anger is what saved me and snapped me back to reality, but I did definitely get lost for a while.  Is letting your emotions get the best of you for a while immature?  Hmmm.  I'll definitely cop to inexperienced and naive, but I need to read a few more posts to see how immature I was.  Processing... .

I had a similar feeling. Straight moment 1 I fell a huge difference in emotional immaturity. She was being raped and abused and physically molested and still with that guy when we started dating ... .

And I was like O_o whats wrong with you, we started talking, 4 months later lived 2 together and 2 years la'er I arrived here. Lol
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« Reply #53 on: November 04, 2013, 06:13:49 PM »

Excerpt
And I was like O_o whats wrong with you, we started talking, 4 months later lived 2 together and 2 years la'er

I also knew of my ex's emotional problems.  These weren't normal relationship conflicts - they were self medicating issues, severe jealousy and abandonment insecurities, wildly fluctuating moods and reactions.  The way I figure it maturity would have been to say to myself these issues are ones that make for an unhealthy relationship.  And this person to be good parnter for me needs to address them or I need to leave them be.  What was immature was thinking that some how my participation in the relationship would negate/solve these problems when in actuality love or my love is not that powerful.

Harm rushing into a relationship and living together after 4 months is pretty quick.  Especially after knowing the "bigger" picture items going on with her. 

Do you think you might have had some unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with her?
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« Reply #54 on: November 04, 2013, 06:23:23 PM »

What was immature was thinking that some how my participation in the relationship would negate/solve these problems when in actuality love or my love is not that powerful.

There you go Mango, I like that.  Yes, I did think my love could solve things, in fact we used to say "love conquers all" to each other.  Well, love conquers a lot, but not that.
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« Reply #55 on: November 04, 2013, 06:38:45 PM »

Excerpt
"love conquers all"

If only right? 

How mature was my thinking here:

Thinking that romantic love could repair deep childhood wounds.  Effectively becoming a parent stand in. (I'm not even going to go into the ramifications of this type of situation and the poor judgment/ego issues this brings up)

Thinking that if I tried harder in the face of all evidence speaking to the opposite it would be better. (again ego issues and self worth issues)

This was fantasitical thinking + bad judgment = emotional immaturity

I believe now if faced with the same situation my judgment would be better knowing how my immature choices turned out before.  I can't blame that mess on someone with BPD only.  They were doing what comes automatically.  No gun to my head just immature enough to go along with it.
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« Reply #56 on: November 04, 2013, 06:55:10 PM »

Excerpt
"love conquers all"

If only right? 

How mature was my thinking here:

Thinking that romantic love could repair deep childhood wounds. 

The thigk is that this is what my X uses to "medicate". She doesn't look at it as repairing, but focusing on a teen romance type relationship, she looks outward (need based) instead of inward. She is well aware of her childhood wounds, but doesn't know how to fix them. She is aware of her thought that "everyone cheats". That is because of her father who always was, and still is, a cheater. We've talked about it. Yet she strangely backs away from the connection!

Excerpt
Effectively becoming a parent stand in. (I'm not even going to go into the ramifications of this type of situation and the poor judgment/ego issues this brings up)

That was/is me. She even told me a few weeks ago that she needs to be with someone to "lead" and "guide" her. A 30 something year old woman, really? She needs the father she never had. Or a guru/lover. Too late. But after she alternates with the teen romance relationship, she will cycle back to someone like me. Older, more mature on the outside. A Caretaker. I am more emotionally mature in the sense of not buying into the "puppy" love version of romance, but still something of the older teenage love idealization, perhaps.

Excerpt
Thinking that if I tried harder in the face of all evidence speaking to the opposite it would be better. (again ego issues and self worth issues)

This was fantastical thinking + bad judgment = emotional immaturity

I believe now if faced with the same situation my judgment would be better knowing how my immature choices turned out before.  I can't blame that mess on someone with BPD only.  They were doing what comes automatically.  No gun to my head just immature enough to go along with it.



So may we. But we are self aware enough to do something about it. They can't without massive professional help and self-awareness.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
GreenMango
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« Reply #57 on: November 04, 2013, 07:30:56 PM »

Looking outward for others to fulfill needs that really are fulfilled from within is immature.  I think I goes both ways. 

No doubt if a partner has unrealistic needs that they will have a teenage love forever is immature.

Thinking that caretaking a person to see the light is immature too.  That you can change and teach the person, especially someone who has a mental illness, to think or feel differently is hard enough for a professional. 

You can't love it out of them.

Part of maturity is seeing what you saw here, knowing your needs, and knowing limitations:

Excerpt
That was/is me. She even told me a few weeks ago that she needs to be with someone to "lead" and "guide" her. A 30 something year old woman, really? She needs the father she never had. Or a guru/lover. Too late. But after she alternates with the teen romance relationship, she will cycle back to someone like me. Older, more mature on the outside. A Caretaker. I am more emotionally mature in the sense of not buying into the "puppy" love version of romance, but still something of the older teenage love idealization, perhaps.

Seeing the disparity in needs and not trying to force a square peg into a round hole.


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #58 on: November 04, 2013, 07:42:31 PM »

Looking outward for others to fulfill needs that really are fulfilled from within is immature.  I think I goes both ways. 

Yes but there's a line there.  We cannot meet our own needs for connection, socialization, bonding and companionship by ourselves, and loving ourselves is not the same as loving someone else.  I think maturity includes noticing which needs we should be meeting on our own and which ones we should be looking outside ourselves to meet.
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« Reply #59 on: November 04, 2013, 07:54:43 PM »

Exactly.

And what is an appropriate person to get those from. How to make better choices - what to let go, what to keep, etc.

I'm not speaking for all people in these relationships but starting a relationship with someone who has the severity of emotional issues someone with BPD can have isnt a real good start.  I say this as someone who did these things.

You want a secure attachment with your partner - don't pick someone with attachment issues.

You want a stable monogamous relationship with real intimacy - don't pick people with intimacy issues.

You want someone who is able to weather the ins and outs of a daily relationship - don't pick someone with abandonment issues.

It's pretty unreasonable to want those things but pick someone who has those problems expecting that you are gonna get stable, bonded, & intimate relationships.

Part of maturity is picking better.  Not getting emotionally lead by simple things like attraction alone.

It's okay to have standards.  Not everyone who makes you feel good for a moment is worth spending a life with.

 



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