Sharing what helped me to detach - deterioration of self esteem

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Careman, been a while. I'm almost never on anymore but wanted to check how you are in your recovery.  Still thinking about her?  Moved on?  Learned more about yourself?  Still seeing your therapist?

Good to hear from you JP.

I still see my T. She pops up when Im down.

[careman]

Careman, been a while. I'm almost never on anymore but wanted to check how you are in your recovery.  Still thinking about her?  Moved on?  Learned more about yourself?  Still seeing your therapist?

Good to hear from you JP.

I still see my T. She pops up when Im down.

[Blimblam]

Wow care man that op is very helpful to understand why I let my guard down and let her destroy me.  And why gaslighting is so harmfull.

[careman]

Wow care man that op is very helpful to understand why I let my guard down and let her destroy me.  And why gaslighting is so harmfull.

op?

NB English is not my mother tongue

/Careman

[Reforming]

I'm one of the many who has read this thread and it touches one of the most recurring themes on this site.

How healthy were we before our relationship with our exes?

What is our responsibility for what happened to us?

I've no doubt that it varies from person to person just like borderline does

But to varying degrees we all tolerated behaviour that should have been unacceptable

Some of us stayed longer than others but we stayed when we shouldn't have and we are all deeply affected by the experience.

That's why we came here

I've spent a lot of time reading the older threads. It's a great chance to see how others tackled the healing process and by reading their early and late posts you get a real sense of how different members progressed.

I came across this thread recently and I though it was really insightful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=115409.0

I think a lot of us get stuck at different points in the recovery process.

I'm not blaming, just observing.

It seems to me that the ones who really move on and recover, who end up stronger and healthier, are the ones that accept their own issues and work on them.

Denial isn't just the defence mechanism of a disordered mind - we're all capable of it

Careman and JP

Thanks for dropping by to share your thoughts and encouragement

Reforming

[careman]

 

[777Alex777]

  This is good, thank you. Yes the failure for anything to make actual sense, along with the insolvable double standards, constant devaluing, it all leaves you out to dry and you just kind of cling to your sanity hoping she will warm up to you a bit again so you can catch your breath. In my life, with everyone else I know, I never put up with anything akin to what she did and still tries to do to me. Ever. I let me love blind me, and hog tie me too.

Anyway, again, well said, thanks

[vortex of confusion]

T: There are many instancies where you scribble something along the lines of 'first she said A, then B, while body language said C, and then she did D'.

ME: Yeah... .Contradictions. Very hard to follow.

T: That's the point - trying/wanting to follow/understand what comes from a loved partner is natural. That constitutes part of having a functional personality. It's automatic and normally we just do it. Following/understanding is like a process ending with an 'aha' when we 'get it' and integrate what was said with our already-there view of the world - yielding a 'OK, I know... .' in the self.

Oh my goodness, I am so glad that this thread got bumped up! This explains exactly what I have been trying to make sense out of for most of our relationship. The saying A, then B, with contradictory body language and actions. What is worse is making the mistake of asking them about it and trying to understand. I have always walked away feeling like I have been hit by a truck trying to understand his point of view. With other people, they can explain why and there is some sort of explanation that makes sense. With him, there is no understanding it at all.

[lovethebeach]

Thank you for sharing your session! It was so helpful. You made sense of so much in just a few lines!

Your T sounds great and very experienced!

Keep up the good work!

[careman]

Im soon three years out. Still here at the family now and then... .

[careman]

 

[jhkbuzz]

Really, really interesting post.

T: Good. Now, when keeping that following/understanding capability focused on something that is inherently incomprehensible and not coming to the 'aha' moments, you remain in the following/understanding. There's no touch-base and integration with your already-there view of the world, and hence you get pulled out of it.

ME: wow yeah... .I can see how I lost my footing in my own world. And that's the confusion and perplexity of course.

T: Yes. And further, when you depart from you own view of the world, and not touch base for a while, the confusion and perplexity grows and the 'OK, I know' in the self don't happen.

ME: So in some way, I get drawn out of myself... .

T: Yeah, and while the self and its 'OK' is not involved, the self esteem deteriorates. Then boundaries are crossed like it happened with the ':)AMN' thing.

How/why do you get "pulled out"?  And why the association with self-esteem?  Because you just can't figure it out or understand?

[klacey3]

Really, really interesting post.

T: Good. Now, when keeping that following/understanding capability focused on something that is inherently incomprehensible and not coming to the 'aha' moments, you remain in the following/understanding. There's no touch-base and integration with your already-there view of the world, and hence you get pulled out of it.

ME: wow yeah... .I can see how I lost my footing in my own world. And that's the confusion and perplexity of course.

T: Yes. And further, when you depart from you own view of the world, and not touch base for a while, the confusion and perplexity grows and the 'OK, I know' in the self don't happen.

ME: So in some way, I get drawn out of myself... .

T: Yeah, and while the self and its 'OK' is not involved, the self esteem deteriorates. Then boundaries are crossed like it happened with the ':)AMN' thing.

How/why do you get "pulled out"?  And why the association with self-esteem?  Because you just can't figure it out or understand?

I'm confused aswell. What do you mean by being pulled out and how is this related to self esteem?

Do you mean that because you cannot understand contradictory behaviour of thoughts and actions you become very confused and feel worse about yourself living with this constant feeling and thoughts of not being able to understand?

[jhkbuzz]

Really, really interesting post.

T: Good. Now, when keeping that following/understanding capability focused on something that is inherently incomprehensible and not coming to the 'aha' moments, you remain in the following/understanding. There's no touch-base and integration with your already-there view of the world, and hence you get pulled out of it.

ME: wow yeah... .I can see how I lost my footing in my own world. And that's the confusion and perplexity of course.

T: Yes. And further, when you depart from you own view of the world, and not touch base for a while, the confusion and perplexity grows and the 'OK, I know' in the self don't happen.

ME: So in some way, I get drawn out of myself... .

T: Yeah, and while the self and its 'OK' is not involved, the self esteem deteriorates. Then boundaries are crossed like it happened with the ':)AMN' thing.

How/why do you get "pulled out"?  And why the association with self-esteem?  Because you just can't figure it out or understand?

I'm confused aswell. What do you mean by being pulled out and how is this related to self esteem?

Do you mean that because you cannot understand contradictory behaviour of thoughts and actions you become very confused and feel worse about yourself living with this constant feeling and thoughts of not being able to understand?

That ^^ is what I was thinking as well... .I generally feel like I'm pretty capable, reasonably intelligent, and can figure out and/or handle most of what life throws my way.  Not being able to make sense of what was happening was pretty rough - it makes sense that my self-esteem took a hit for then.

On top of the hits I was already taking from my ex.

[vortex of confusion]

How/why do you get "pulled out"?  And why the association with self-esteem?  Because you just can't figure it out or understand?

You get pulled out of your world view because you lose touch with it. In my situation with my husband, I got pulled out of MY reality because nothing made sense any more. I consider myself to be a very strong, very intelligent, and very resilient person. Communicating with other people isn't something that I have ever had a problem with yet I was having problems communicating with my spouse and understanding what was going on. I researched and researched and researched for years. I tried all sorts of things to connect with him. The more I tried and failed, the more I thought that I must be doing something wrong. The more I did what I thought a good wife should do without any kind of success the worst I felt about myself.

After a while of trying and putting forth so much effort with little or no results, I got pulled out of my world view because it wasn't working for me in the context of my marriage. And, to make things worse, I had become so isolated that I didn't really have a point of reference to bring me back to reality/my world view/what was important to me.

After a while, I lost touch with my own reality, my own values system, and I did some things that I deeply regret. All of that has contributed to a huge loss of self esteem.

[jhkbuzz]

How/why do you get "pulled out"?  And why the association with self-esteem?  Because you just can't figure it out or understand?

You get pulled out of your world view because you lose touch with it. In my situation with my husband, I got pulled out of MY reality because nothing made sense any more. I consider myself to be a very strong, very intelligent, and very resilient person. Communicating with other people isn't something that I have ever had a problem with yet I was having problems communicating with my spouse and understanding what was going on. I researched and researched and researched for years. I tried all sorts of things to connect with him. The more I tried and failed, the more I thought that I must be doing something wrong. The more I did what I thought a good wife should do without any kind of success the worst I felt about myself.

After a while of trying and putting forth so much effort with little or no results, I got pulled out of my world view because it wasn't working for me in the context of my marriage. And, to make things worse, I had become so isolated that I didn't really have a point of reference to bring me back to reality/my world view/what was important to me.

I could have written that ^^.  One of the things I think I want to talk to my T about next week is my tendency to take on TOO much responsibility in emotionally intimate relationships... .sexual or not.  Is it a boundary issue?  Is it enmeshment?  I'm not sure.

After a while, I lost touch with my own reality, my own values system, and I did some things that I deeply regret. All of that has contributed to a huge loss of self esteem.

I understand that ... .I was sorely tempted to do things that I would have never normally considered.  Be gentle with yourself - you were pushed beyond what you could bear. 

[careman]

 

[guy4caligirl]

Hi Vortex of confusion .

How are you doing at the present time after the break up , are you over it ?

What had helped you the most to keep going ?

I see you had more than 2000 Topics and replies , your experience would help us all .

Thank you in advance .

Guy4

[Climbmountains91]

I'm one of the many who has read this thread and it touches one of the most recurring themes on this site.

How healthy were we before our relationship with our exes?

What is our responsibility for what happened to us?

I've no doubt that it varies from person to person just like borderline does

But to varying degrees we all tolerated behaviour that should have been unacceptable

Some of us stayed longer than others but we stayed when we shouldn't have and we are all deeply affected by the experience.

That's why we came here

I've spent a lot of time reading the older threads. It's a great chance to see how others tackled the healing process and by reading their early and late posts you get a real sense of how different members progressed.

I came across this thread recently and I though it was really insightful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=115409.0

I think a lot of us get stuck at different points in the recovery process.

I'm not blaming, just observing.

It seems to me that the ones who really move on and recover, who end up stronger and healthier, are the ones that accept their own issues and work on them.

Denial isn't just the defence mechanism of a disordered mind - we're all capable of it

Careman and JP

Thanks for dropping by to share your thoughts and encouragement

Reforming

Thanks for sharing that post, very insightful and V. similar to my situation .

[Reforming]

I'm one of the many who has read this thread and it touches one of the most recurring themes on this site.

How healthy were we before our relationship with our exes?

What is our responsibility for what happened to us?

I've no doubt that it varies from person to person just like borderline does

But to varying degrees we all tolerated behaviour that should have been unacceptable

Some of us stayed longer than others but we stayed when we shouldn't have and we are all deeply affected by the experience.

That's why we came here

I've spent a lot of time reading the older threads. It's a great chance to see how others tackled the healing process and by reading their early and late posts you get a real sense of how different members progressed.

I came across this thread recently and I though it was really insightful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=115409.0

I think a lot of us get stuck at different points in the recovery process.

I'm not blaming, just observing.

It seems to me that the ones who really move on and recover, who end up stronger and healthier, are the ones that accept their own issues and work on them.

Denial isn't just the defence mechanism of a disordered mind - we're all capable of it

Careman and JP

Thanks for dropping by to share your thoughts and encouragement

Reforming

Thanks for sharing that post, very insightful and V. similar to my situation .

Glad to share Climbmountains. There's a wealth of really useful stuff on this site that's worth exploring.

Reforming

[joeramabeme]

Wow!  Thanks Careman, I have copied this content and will take to my T tomorrow (Monday), will reply back if anything of additional insight is gleaned.

Really awesome!   

[careman]

 4 years post bu. checking in

[jhkbuzz]

Wow... .hi! How are you these days?

[Makersmarksman]

When I discovered my wife's first affair only 1.5 years into the marriage and confronted her with it she explained in a weeping voice "I dont feel like I did anything wrong."  That would set up 19 more years of such conversations, where explanations and words were so contradictory to facts that I was left without anything to argue.  I mean, how do you respond to that?  Do I need to explain that it IS wrong, really?  Its like teaching an infant how to write code, its just not happening no matter hard you try you are not getting through. There was also a lot of her saying something, then denying she said it 5 minutes ago, even videoing it and replaying her she would deny the evidence!  It firmly left myself arguing with myself!

I spent a lot of time thinking I was going crazy, thinking such matter of fact responses must think there is a giant puzzle piece I am missing, maybe its ME who has BPD, maybe my brain is not functioning properly. 

I wont miss that ___.

[careman]

 

[fromheeltoheal]

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