Breathless how quickly they move on. Its all image - not real

[MindfulMan]

This board has really saved my life and given me comfort in dealing with this insane disorder.  I met my exBPDgf in August 2011.  We moved in together in October 2011.  I was as needy as her coming off a failed marriage.  Clearly I wasn't prepared and didn't know what I was getting into.  The sex was off the charts.  It was the hook.

She instantly became enraged over several things.  She as RMRL Multiple Sclerosis, with constant symptoms of being sick, insomnia, weak muscles, etc.  Nothing was good enough and every conversation quickly became about her.  And if it wasn't about her she wasn't interested.  I didn't know anything about BPD but the signs were there.

When it was good it was great.  I thought I really loved her and when I paid attention to her and did what she wanted, everything was fine.  And the sex was great... .   I think I still really love her.



One night she panicked when I got up in the middle of the night and was reading the living room.  She had a nightmare that I "died" or left her.  I have three boys and she told me she wanted to come first in my life before my kids.  I told her there is room for her and that my kids come first.  

I travel for work and while on a road trip we had difficult conversations.  They always started off with how I was hurting her, doing something to make her feel sick, damaging her. I thought I was going mad.  The conversations went in a circle.  But when I came home... .  the sex was great.  Soon I began to realize that I was being objectified.  (Actually I was good with it at the time ).  

While in NY I get a text that she was quitting school and moving out. (Her career:  Acupuncture School) and moving back to Louisiana.  I came home and she continued to rail at me, but hadn't done anything about moving.  I was pissed off since I was continually under assault.  It never stopped.  I brought in movers and had her stuff in storage in 2 days.  She left three weeks later.

NOTE:

MOVED IN NOVEMBER 2011 - SHE LEFT MARCH 2012:  4 MONTHS

APART UNTIL AUGUST 2012 : 5 MONTHS

We reconnected at a retreat for Coaches in June 2012 where she got her certificate and she move back in with me August 2012.  I then had to move to Portland Oregon to be with my kids.  She hated the weather there (had lived there a year before) and I told her she didn't have to come but I had to move.  I begged her not to come if she was going to complain about the weather or told me how I made her move there. She told me she really wanted to be with me.  I found a beautiful house I thought she'd like... .  and it went downhill from there.

We moved to Portland November 2012.  She immediately began complaining about the weather and started telling everyone how I made her move there and how much she sacrificed. The emotional fighting was crazy making.  One night I kept asking her "What do you own about this relationship?  What will you own about any of this?"  She flipped out, became hysterical and came at me.  Feeling like this was dangerous, I pushed her out of the bedroom.  She through herself to the floor.

And then later called a women's hotline about abuse.  Her coach/therapist told me that she had to go.  Or I could be in jail.

The fighting continued, she was constantly sick.  She would sit around the couch all day and do nothing.  Then complain that I didn't do the dishes.

My kids really didn't like her.  But I was addicted, just like a crack addict.

When it was good it was great.  I thought I really loved her and when I paid attention to her and did what she wanted, everything was fine.  And the sex was great... .   I think I still really love her.



Finally the fighting was bad and she told me she didn't want to live with me any more.  But wanted to stay another 6 weeks.  I was in disbelief.  She wanted to rail at me and be miserable for another six weeks?  I made her go to LA 2 weeks later where she quickly found a place.  

She came back and was enraged at me.  Furious that I "abused her emotionally", she "trusted me and I crushed her heart", I "forced her to go to LA" and she wasn't ready.

NOTE:

MOVED IN NOVEMBER 2011 - SHE LEFT MARCH 2012:  4 MONTHS

APART UNTIL AUGUST 2012 : 5 MONTHS

MOVED IN NOVEMBER 2012 - SHE LEFT APRIL 2013: 5 MONTHS

I decided to own everything, since she was going to blame me for everything anyway.  I think she saw this as a sign of weakness but it began to soften her up.  She had nothing to push against.  We had a really sweet three weeks together as she was packing and moving.  I was grief stricken inside.  She seemed to already have moved on emotionally but really enjoyed the attention.  I felt that maybe she was letting it go... .  but I forgot that everything to a BPD is IMAGE.  There is no there over there.  

When it was good it was great.  I really loved her and when I paid attention to her and did what she wanted, everything was fine.  And the sex was great... .   I began to realize that I confused LOVE with EMPATHY.



She made love to me the day before she left.  As she drove away she cried.  10 days later I flew to LA for business and brought her cat on the plane with me.  I went to her house and a normal conversation devolved into more rage for her.  She told me she was "afraid of me" that I damaged all women including my ex-wife.  A normal conversation at attempting to reconnect turned ugly.  It was completely outside of logic.  I realized she lives in survival.  Its called over coupling.  It felt like a like a rats nest, it was like a minefield.  You never know where the trip wires are hidden.  It disintegrated and again I was shocked.

But I asked for it.

I left and she sent me an email, part of which read:

" You keep asking me to forgive you for what has passed between us. It’s not so much that I can’t forgive you, it’s that I forgive too easily. And it isn’t that I haven’t already forgiven you. It’s that you and I, together, aren’t at a place where we can’t be together without our stuff devolving into a fight. I can’t say this any plainer. I am afraid of you and afraid of who I become when I am with you. That alone, for me, is enough reason to be apart... .  You know that I loved you and how deeply I loved you. I need, now, to put some of that focus back onto me. I do believe we’ll be friends. For now, though, I need space and time without you so that I can heal.

We will not be friends - I will not create any healing.  I have to acknowledge the feelings that I have, despair, grief, longing... .  that even though they seem like feelings about her -  they don't belong to her. They are my feelings - I will get no assistance from her with my feelings.  I need to Honor my own feelings.  My feelings.  It isn't about what she wants anymore.  Its about what I want.  When you engage the energy of a BPD, its not a matter of if they will hate you or paint you black. Its when.  Its a very strange disorder.  It lives in a different place.  

When it was good it was great BUT IT WAS NEVER LIKE THAT FOR HER.  I thought I really loved her.  I thought she loved me... .  and when I paid attention to her and did what she wanted, everything was fine.  And the sex was great... .   I began to realize that I confused LOVE with EMPATHY.



I'm so sad for her and for me.  She has run from every relationship in her life.  I knew it would happen but it is still so incredibly painful.

I have really had to look at the aspects of BPD that reside in me.  I have done a lot of work on myself.  And I have to really acknowledge her and be grateful for the short time she was part of my life. She was a blessing in so many ways.

And I finally realized that the person I really fell in love with was myself.  Thank you sweetheart.  I love you for that.

[ScotisGone74]

Great post and thank you for sharing your story with us.  Congratulations on your new BPD free life. 

And the hook that kept us in :   And the sex was great.  I thought I really loved her.  I thought she really loved me.  Everything was great as long as I did exactly everything she wanted and needed.