Adult child of BPD mother

[Rosegirl39]

I'm here for support and this is my first post. I never understood until last year that my mom has BPD, we always knew there was depression but she has always raged and been emotionally abusive so it's all making sense finally. Well, a few weeks ago she had a really bad episode in front of one of my children(7yr old son) and I had to physically walk her out of my house. She stayed on my front porch another 10 minutes yelling, cursing and kicking over my plants. He heard it all :'(

I have said this before, but I really want to cut ties with her this time. I do not want to continue this cycle of abuse and I do not want my kids thinking that I allow people to abuse me! So at this point I am having no contact and trying to cope. I'm trying to explain to my kids why they haven't seen grandma. I feel like she went too far this time. I don't care if she is sick, she has hurt me my entire life then acts like nothing happened, buys gifts etc. it's toxic

[doubleAries]

Welcome Rosegirl39!

You've come to the right place!

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L4] Improving a Relationship with Parents, Relatives, or Inlaws with BPD Board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

you are not alone, and we are all here to help each other through this. Look forward to hearing more of your story.

doubleAries

[PaGuy]

 

Welcome to the forum!

Like you, I am an adult child of a mother with BPD, have have been NC with her for about 2.5 years.  I have found many great resources and support on this site.  If you need any support or aren't sure how to handle something, just ask!

Some other lessons that might help (they have certainly helped me) are:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries - on boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm - how a BPD parent affects their children

[Sabine]

  Rosegirl39,

I'm so sorry you and your son had to experience one of her episodes. You're right that's not cool or okay and you should protect yourself and child from that kind of toxic behavior.

It's been a few weeks has she tried contacting you? What will you do if/when she does? 

I'm glad you found us... .stick close! 

[Rosegirl39]

I'm feeling so overwhelmed by all of this. I am so grateful for this support and at the same time so angry at my mother. She dropped off christmas gifts for the kids a few days ago. She just left them on the porch. I saw her coming up the walkway while I was in my kitchen. I could feel the adrenaline and my stomach was hurting, I don't want to feel that way. I kept the gifts in my closet for a day not sure what to do. My son has also been really upset and as a 7yrs old he also wants to know if we are still going to get presents from grandma? I ended up giving the gifts but explained that I am still upset with her and don't know when we will see or talk to her. I tried to set a boundary with her by sending an email thanking her for the gifts but please do not come to my house without an invitation. It seems really harsh I know but she will just show up bearing gifts like everything is ok. I don't know how to break the cycle because just when I think everything is good and I let her in, she lets me down somehow. I have no memory of her being emotionally supportive, and when she has tried to be, it would get turned around somehow and be about her. I grew up with so much fear of her and now I'm not afraid anymore, I just can't stand her. I cringe when she touches me and then I feel guilty because shouldn't a daughter want to spend time together and hug her mom? I don't understand why I don't want her to touch me. I also feel guilty because my kids LOVE grandma and I feel like I'm depriving them of that relationship. It's hurting them. It's hurting me.

[Sabine]

  Rosegirl39,

It's sad to hear your pain about the children not being able to see their grandmother, but I don't blame you. Have you had a chance to look at any of the resources here?

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

Do you have siblings that relate to what you feel? If so, how do they cope with mom? Is there any way you could talk to a therapist to help you on some of your childhood memories?

We're here for you Rosegirl39... .

[doubleAries]

Rosegirl39,

I don't think it's harsh at all to say 'thank you for the gifts and please do not come by without an invitation". In fact, that sounds downright healthy!

Here are 2 articles i think that can be really helpful to you through this How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children but especially this one: Boundaries Tools of Respect

What you did was set a totally appropriate boundary with your mother--one that is completely acceptable to set with ANYONE. But part of having a BPD mother is ourselves feeling guilty and thinking we are harsh for setting ordinary, completely appropriate boundaries to protect ourselves and out families.

Maybe you can't change your mom, but you CAN change how you deal with her, and that is what makes all the difference in the world. And you are already on the path--good for you!

Stick with us, we're all here to support each other.

doubleAries

[PaGuy]

I cringe when she touches me and then I feel guilty because shouldn't a daughter want to spend time together and hug her mom? I don't understand why I don't want her to touch me.

Rosegirl,

I am the same way.  If you look at pictures of me and my mother, my mother is trying to get as close to me as possible and she has this huge grin on her face.  I am almost cringing and I look like I am trying to get away.  I also hate getting hugs from my mother.

I wouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with your mother.  Someone who was in a domestic abuse situation shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to leave the situation, and pwBPD can be just as abusive, but in other ways (emotionally, physically, sexually).  Also, while culture generally says that we should love our mothers and want to spend time with them, our culture also assumes that our mothers are loving, caring, providing, and are not abusive or have mental health issues.  Unfortunately - as we know - this is not always the case.  Sometimes the truth of a situation is counter-cultural.  This doesn't make our situation or feelings any less real.  You have very, very good reasons to not want your mother to hug you or be around you.

Take the time you need to heal yourself.  I know there are several people on this forum who when NC with their pwBPD for a while, but on the other side of that they healed enough to re-establish contact and have a new relationship with their pwBPD.  Perhaps some time away from your mother will give you the chance you need to heal and re-establish contact, allowing your children to spend more time with their grandmother.  This being said, do what you need to to keep yourself and your children safe - physically and emotionally.

[isshebpd]

uBPDmom never hugged or said "I love you" to any of her kids, as far as I recall. I think she is in therapy and possibly on medication, so I'm trying to see if she has any love in her. I said "I love you" for the first time I remember and hugged her. She sort of hugged back but said nothing and looked awkwardly to the ground. I tried to get a real hug again at Christmas, and again I might as well of hugged a piece of furniture. Its perplexing and hurtful, but I know I'm not the only one who doesn't get any affection from her.

If I want a real hug, my wife is there.

I just have to enjoy the fact that, for the first time in my life, uBPDmom isn't constantly raging. In fact, she is trying to be nice... .which I suspect is hard for her. She still says things that upset me though. And she is in denial or forgets about stuff from the past. She hasn't accepted responsibility for all the relationships she ruined, and claims it was the other person's fault.

I guess I better count my blessings.

[isshebpd]

"I grew up with so much fear of her and now I'm not afraid anymore, I just can't stand her. I cringe when she touches me and then I feel guilty because shouldn't a daughter want to spend time together and hug her mom? I don't understand why I don't want her to touch me."

So I know the cringe feeling now. It is weird not feeling right when you are physically close to your Mom. It is so unnatural, I don't know what to say.  My attempt at hugging my uBPDmom was really more out of curiousity, but now I know I don't like it.

But there is hope that people with BPD can settle down some day, once someone finally convinces them to get help. Even BPD people change. There was a time when my uBPDmom would never have gone to a therapist - she hated the whole profession for some reason - but I think she might seeing one now.

[mfhrh]

Rosiegirl,

I can identify so fully and easily with what you describe. I am new too, as of this evening. I have been reading some of the resources/links provided here, and to say they are helpful is quite an understatement. I thought at first glance, "I don't think I need to read Safety First" but when I started the case study, I was bowled over. I may not "be afraid of" Mom like I once was, but - boy - do I freeze up and need to hide in so many life situations. I do need to think about emotional safety in all areas of my life. I applaud and affirm your decision of NC for now. You deserve to be emotionally safe. And so does your son.