How much we tolerate?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My stb exBPDh was jealous of my family, my friends, my hobbies, my smiling and laughter.

He would tell me my grown up children are psychos (he has two other children that he has not been involved with until recently. One is schizophrenic' the other has NPD, he tells me he can't cope with them and makes abusive, inappropriate comments about them ). My kids have tried their best to tolerate him and his unpredictable behaviours/abusive talk.(they are quite sane, loving and caring adults)

My female friends, according to him, are lesbians and horrible people and my male friends just want to get into my knickers. What is all this about?

I love walking and this last recycle he said he wanted to walk as well... .  he came with me twice then complained he couldn't do it as it hurt his chest (another ailment to add to his never ending list)... .  I still walked alone... then I was accused of meeting other men or not going where I said I was going!

If I smiled he would ask WHY am I smiling? If I laughed he would ask what I was laughing for! When I explained my reason he would sulk and hurl abusive comments at me!

If I received a text message or phone call he wanted to know who it was or what they wanted and then say abusive things about the caller.

He would have his phone locked and silent and in his pocket and would sit in the bathroom to use it! 

All this time he was living his secret life as well as 'wanting' to reconcile our marriage .

And I put up with all this behaviour for 14 years.

I think this last recycle really helped me to know that the relationship was closed. I would look at him and see someone I didn't really know, wasn't attracted to any longer, could never trust again and talked so much crap!

It does hurt, even after I made this final decision. I am working slowly through healing. Good days and bad. I found listening to music a good therapy. Two songs I came across were Bonnie Tyler - Loving you is a dirty job and Pink - Blow me one last kiss. Very apt lyrics.

Onwards and upwards, with a few dips in-between. It's a struggle but the support, encouragement and advice on these boards is invaluable and it is a good way to vent thoughts and feelings and know that you are not alone and not crazy.

[Apple white]

My stb exBPDh was jealous of my family, my friends, my hobbies, my smiling and laughter.

He would tell me my grown up children are psychos (he has two other children that he has not been involved with until recently. One is schizophrenic' the other has NPD, he tells me he can't cope with them and makes abusive, inappropriate comments about them ). My kids have tried their best to tolerate him and his unpredictable behaviours/abusive talk.(they are quite sane, loving and caring adults)

My female friends, according to him, are lesbians and horrible people and my male friends just want to get into my knickers. What is all this about?

I love walking and this last recycle he said he wanted to walk as well... .  he came with me twice then complained he couldn't do it as it hurt his chest (another ailment to add to his never ending list)... .  I still walked alone... then I was accused of meeting other men or not going where I said I was going!

If I smiled he would ask WHY am I smiling? If I laughed he would ask what I was laughing for! When I explained my reason he would sulk and hurl abusive comments at me!

If I received a text message or phone call he wanted to know who it was or what they wanted and then say abusive things about the caller.

He would have his phone locked and silent and in his pocket and would sit in the bathroom to use it! 

All this time he was living his secret life as well as 'wanting' to reconcile our marriage .

And I put up with all this behaviour for 14 years.

I think this last recycle really helped me to know that the relationship was closed. I would look at him and see someone I didn't really know, wasn't attracted to any longer, could never trust again and talked so much crap!

It does hurt, even after I made this final decision. I am working slowly through healing. Good days and bad. I found listening to music a good therapy. Two songs I came across were Bonnie Tyler - Loving you is a dirty job and Pink - Blow me one last kiss. Very apt lyrics.

Onwards and upwards, with a few dips in-between. It's a struggle but the support, encouragement and advice on these boards is invaluable and it is a good way to vent thoughts and feelings and know that you are not alone and not crazy.

[Leaf]

Hi Apple White, Good luck and thanks for the musical suggestions, I've just watched the video's. I find it easier to keep myself from recycling with my BPDxbf with the right soundtrack. The most appropriate CD I have found is ":)o you know" bij Jessica Simpson, with songs like "Remember that" (Remember how he told you you were stupid / How he couldn't even look at you anymore), "Still don't stop me" (I know if I let you back in / It's the same damn thing all over again / You'll just hurt me) and "When I loved you like that" (You lit me up just like a match / Then you burned me out just as fast). Helps me to remind myself in my weak moments that I tolerated way too much and he'll never change so I'm better off alone.

[Tormenta]

Hi!

I´m sorry that you had to suffer those things. It´s UNFAIR! and it makes me angry as I could see you and your ex doing such things. It´s such a s*** that I want to meet your ex to say serious things... .     it´s not fair and you didn´t deserve that at all. 

Just my own thinking on this: usually, when I start to remember my exBPDbf bad treatment - usually under the shower in the morning - this makes me mad. My roommate, a devoted christian sent me some videos of Joyce Meyer, she says that we usually feel that we need to be paid or compensated for the bad things that happens to us and that we expect people will give us that compensation and that that is a false and unreal expectation. She says that only God can give that and we must trust that that will happen somehow.

I´m not christian myself but that is real, my exBPDbf is never going to give me back the time wasted or compensate the grief and the suffering and that makes me mad sometimes. But it´s not only him: in my previous job a boss was abussive with my team until we were about to taking him to the court. It didn´t happen because we all left before the papers were ready; then he said to the rest of the department that he had fired us all. Sometimes I wake up and get mad; I used to think of all the bad things he did to us and I got really angry. It´s something I will always have with me and the only positive thing I can say is that this will never happen to  me and that it was a lesson that changed me. It´s the same, I feel the same with my exBPDbf, except that I try to remember in his case that he suffers this disorder and I can forgive him.