Is it everyone else's fault?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm currently involved with a guy who I believe has BPD.    This can't be confirmed because he doesn't think he has a problem, despite his mood swings and hypersensitivity.   He also has pushed me away whenever things are great.   We have everything in common, a great connection and I care about him more than anyone in the world.   My issue is with him pushing me away, seeing things in black/white and also I have serious concerns about the future.   If he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, he will never go to a therapist.

I think when I struggle the most is when I think maybe he is normal and everyone in his life has wronged him.   He sometimes convinces me of this.   But I've read quite a bit about BPD.   Here are some of the red flags... .

-he had an abusive childhood and was abandoned by a parent

-he lies a lot, but if someone lies to him he flips out

- he thinks he is ugly and can't imagine why women are attracted to him

- he easily gets angry and takes everything personally

- all of his relationships have been turbulent from the very beginning.   Of all of his partners, him and I have had the least amount of conflict.

I'm at a crossroads, debating whether to throw in the towel now or keep trying.   Advice?

[jmc8899]

I'm currently involved with a guy who I believe has BPD.    This can't be confirmed because he doesn't think he has a problem, despite his mood swings and hypersensitivity.   He also has pushed me away whenever things are great.   We have everything in common, a great connection and I care about him more than anyone in the world.   My issue is with him pushing me away, seeing things in black/white and also I have serious concerns about the future.   If he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, he will never go to a therapist.

I think when I struggle the most is when I think maybe he is normal and everyone in his life has wronged him.   He sometimes convinces me of this.   But I've read quite a bit about BPD.   Here are some of the red flags... .

-he had an abusive childhood and was abandoned by a parent

-he lies a lot, but if someone lies to him he flips out

- he thinks he is ugly and can't imagine why women are attracted to him

- he easily gets angry and takes everything personally

- all of his relationships have been turbulent from the very beginning.   Of all of his partners, him and I have had the least amount of conflict.

I'm at a crossroads, debating whether to throw in the towel now or keep trying.   Advice?

[Washisheart]

How long have you been together?

It's funny the things they have in common, mine also has constant family drama none of which is his fault. And the lying thing! Woah! I lied to him once & he holds it over my years later. But he is a compulsive liar.

If you have no real attachment to him yet, I would say run! I have four years in & he has put me through more pain & humiliation than I could have ever thought possible

[Let it Be]

I think you need to ask yourself does this person make you happy or miserable.  Once you have answered that question you need to ask yourself what you deserve.   Wishing you the best.

Let it be.

[Justadude]

he may or may not have the disorder. some of the things you listed could be associated with other things such as anxiety, depression, or bi-polar disorder. he may even be borderline in conjunction with those other personality issues.

the best advice i could give out is for you to suggest that he talk to someone professionally because you are not his therapist, but his girlfriend and possible long-term relationship scenario. With care using the S.E.T communication tool you might be able to suggest him to seek professional support with his issues. Should his personal problems continue to weigh in on your relationship, you may have to consider the long-term option of being without this person for the better of both of you and hope he gets the support and help he needs. good luck.

[jmc8899]

We have been on and off for a year.   We don't live together or have children together.  When things are good, they are amazing.  The thought of not having him in my life is pretty devastating but what kind of life would we have?   I already see friction between him and his son because he thinks in black/white and can never compromise.   I keep thinking that because I am such an open person and love him that can be enough.   I feel I need to focus on the negative and try to forget all of the wonderful times we had (and my eyes just tested up as I typed that  :'( )

[thinkingthinking]

Currently separated from my BPDH of 22 years, and one of the "red flags" a couple of years ago was the "blame game".  Everything was the fault of someone else... .whether it was how his job was going, why he didn't get the best deal on a truck loan, why he couldn't afford a boat,  etc.  As I was trying to decipher things, I just looked at him one day and told him "I feel like every conversation is a big 'pity party' for you."  This doesn't go away.  Even though we've been separated for a couple of months, I've now been blamed for problems that have occurred during that time. 

I would be very cautious.  I was very young when I married my H, and too enamored by the good times to pay attention to the warning signs.  It can be a long road. 

Wishing you the best in difficult decisions!

[Validation78]

Hi Jenna!

Staying in a relationship with a pwBPD is a very personal decision. The words written by the other members here are wise and sage, however, may or may not be what's best for you. Only you would know that. For what it's worth, I wish I had known a fraction of what I know now about my pwBPD, things would have turned out differently!

My suggestion in helping you decide what to do is to learn all you can about BPD, The site is filled with information and support. You can read threads, workshops, books and articles to become more familiar with the behaviors and communication tools. The one thing I know for sure is if he has BPD, or exhibits BPD behaviors, your best defense is knowledge and empathy. If you won't go for help, all of the responsibility for maintaining the relationship will fall on your shoulders. Things can change, and you will have to do the work. Know that it will be hard, and only you know if it's worth it!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[OTH]

It is difficult to make good decisions when we are so tied up emotionally in the outcome. You have to assume that things are not going to change for the better anytime soon. Is this OK? What are you doing outside of your relationship to maintain an even balance? To not be so focused and consumed by his needs.

I'm currently involved with a guy who I believe has BPD.    This can't be confirmed because he doesn't think he has a problem, despite his mood swings and hypersensitivity.   He also has pushed me away whenever things are great.   We have everything in common, a great connection and I care about him more than anyone in the world.   My issue is with him pushing me away, seeing things in black/white and also I have serious concerns about the future.   If he refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, he will never go to a therapist.

I think when I struggle the most is when I think maybe he is normal and everyone in his life has wronged him.   He sometimes convinces me of this.   But I've read quite a bit about BPD.   Here are some of the red flags... .  

-he had an abusive childhood and was abandoned by a parent

-he lies a lot, but if someone lies to him he flips out

- he thinks he is ugly and can't imagine why women are attracted to him

- he easily gets angry and takes everything personally

- all of his relationships have been turbulent from the very beginning.   Of all of his partners, him and I have had the least amount of conflict.

I'm at a crossroads, debating whether to throw in the towel now or keep trying.   Advice?