Mixed Feelings and the Decision Point?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The last 48 hours have been hell with my wife. We had a wonderful 2 weeks and so when the switch turned for what feels like no reason to me it has been more painful than normal. Perhaps because we had the first real good Christmas in 5 years together. Perhaps because when I look back our interaction that began it all seems so small I can't wrap my head around how it got so escalated. When I look at it I start thinking perhaps it is me who has BPD, although I have been assured by new and old therapist alike that I don't. So anyway today my wife did something that feels like such an utter betrayal, and so appalling to me because she herself has wrongly perceived me to do the same thing she did, that I am still getting my head back on straight.

So my question is this. The actions which I feel like were exhibited to me feel to me to be careless, cold, calculated and just plain mean. She is a very kind and loving woman. I feel hurt and confused.

Part of me feels like this is it, I am beyond done after this. Yet at the same time I have mixed emotions about it. I don't want to suffer too long and I don't want to throw the towel in too early. Divorce was going through my head today though, I mean to the point of feeling like I don't care if I even get anything I am just done. Then I calm down though.

So I suppose I am curious, for those who get to that moment of deciding do you actually know 100% it is right? Are there mixed feelings? I know each experience is different regarding staying or not but I keep hearing if I am having mixed emotions I am not completely done yet.

For some reason I am still surprised at how quickly things can get insane and feel like an out of control snowball.

[thisyoungdad]

The last 48 hours have been hell with my wife. We had a wonderful 2 weeks and so when the switch turned for what feels like no reason to me it has been more painful than normal. Perhaps because we had the first real good Christmas in 5 years together. Perhaps because when I look back our interaction that began it all seems so small I can't wrap my head around how it got so escalated. When I look at it I start thinking perhaps it is me who has BPD, although I have been assured by new and old therapist alike that I don't. So anyway today my wife did something that feels like such an utter betrayal, and so appalling to me because she herself has wrongly perceived me to do the same thing she did, that I am still getting my head back on straight.

So my question is this. The actions which I feel like were exhibited to me feel to me to be careless, cold, calculated and just plain mean. She is a very kind and loving woman. I feel hurt and confused.

Part of me feels like this is it, I am beyond done after this. Yet at the same time I have mixed emotions about it. I don't want to suffer too long and I don't want to throw the towel in too early. Divorce was going through my head today though, I mean to the point of feeling like I don't care if I even get anything I am just done. Then I calm down though.

So I suppose I am curious, for those who get to that moment of deciding do you actually know 100% it is right? Are there mixed feelings? I know each experience is different regarding staying or not but I keep hearing if I am having mixed emotions I am not completely done yet.

For some reason I am still surprised at how quickly things can get insane and feel like an out of control snowball.

[GreenMango]

So I suppose I am curious, for those who get to that moment of deciding do you actually know 100% it is right? Are there mixed feelings? I know each experience is different regarding staying or not but I keep hearing if I am having mixed emotions I am not completely done yet.

I felt very mixed about ending it.  It wasn't an easy decision at all.  It took some space to think about things without the daily onslaught of emotional instability.  Looking at what I needed, my values, whether I could reasonably expect some things given the situation as it was not what I hoped it to be, what my life would look like years down the road, and what the real "risks" of this person's behavior could have on family, children, work etc helped to make the decision.  It didn't mean that it didn't hurt though because it did.

I think one of the lessons I learned in this was that often doing the right thing for the right reasons can hurt quite a bit... .but the pain as intense as it is doesn't last forever and sometimes these relationships teach us.

For some reason I am still surprised at how quickly things can get insane and feel like an out of control snowball.

As for this though, it can and does.  0 to 60 in lighting speed.  Part of being on Undecided is Step 1 Stop the Bleeding and Step 3 Look in the mirror.  Focusing on these using the Staying board tools, and because we all drag in our stuff that can make things worse, may help to bring this emotional temperature down and give you some breathing room while you work on making a decision.

Have you tried posting different topics on Staying (for the tools etc) and Undecided (for making a decision)?  

I know it's hard.  How is your support system?

[Validation78]

Hi TYD!

Sounds tough for you right now. We've all been there!

I rarely make decisions in the heat of the moment. It doesn't allow me to think things through and examine all of the pros and cons. So now, since things have been rough, may not be the best time to make a life altering  decision.

That being said, what has helped me is to establish goals and a timeline. I already know that improvement is not good enough for me. If my pwBPD does not participate in recovery, and meet his goals, it's not going to work for me. I have been working very hard to make changes in myself, all the way monitoring how I feel, not losing touch with myself. I have been willing to give the process time, however, it will not go on forever. I value my life, happiness and the little time I have in this life, and will not accept second best in anything. Now, bear in mind, this is right for me. Everyone here doesn't feel as I do. Many members are content to get their relationships to a manageable point, where the improvements are enough, and that's alright!

You have to decide what's best for you. I just want you to know that you do have choices, and don't have to have one ah ha moment!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Washisheart]

It's all a bag of mixed emotions.

My brain knows this man is no good for me, and the higher he brings me up the harder he will pull me down. But my heart holds on to the good times & amazing memories we have. As well as the fact that for the first time in my life I thought I knew real love. This man was my heart & my best friend. I loved waking up to him every morning.

One minute I pray for God to bring him home, the next I pray for healing. Trying to let go of him is probably the hardest decision I have faced in my life. Because while he is in his black stage, I am hanging in the shades of gray.

[thisyoungdad]

I have begun to work on the stop the bleeding tools. It is a slow process doing something different though. I have really been focusing a lot on looking at myself and what I bring to this relationship and situation. I can see that as I slowly recognize my own issues and work on them that although things still escalate that either my reactions are over time becoming less and less or else the entire situation comes down quicker and easier. I am working hard on focusing on my stuff, sometimes coming here feels like just a freedom in that I can really just get out all the stuff going on without worry about knowing anyone or feeling judged.

I have an okay support system, I am working to make it better. I actually reconnected with an old friend today, well we have been reconnecting for a while. We have known each other for years and she is in a similar situation with her ex husband. She has a new girlfriend and the three of us had coffee today and what a relief to not only hear my own story being told but to just have that confidential sounding board. She also has a kid my daughters age and I am hopeful that this friendship will perhaps grow some more. I have a couple guys friends and my older brother. My biggest support is my therapist and my AA sponsor. I am not very good at sharing the stuff going on out of shame I think.

I have been encouraged a few times by my therapist to perhaps take a long weekend away to myself, just like even 2 nights to clear my head a little and get perspective.

It is helpful to know that mixed feelings suck and are normal.

[atcrossroads]

Hi youngdad,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling but you are certainly among good company.  I agree with others - maybe keep working on tools, talk to your therapist- you are entertaining the idea of divorce but don't seem quite there yet.  For me -- What Greenmango and washisheart said both resonate with how I feel.  These parts:

It's all a bag of mixed emotions.

My brain knows this man is no good for me, and the higher he brings me up the harder he will pull me down. But my heart holds on to the good times & amazing memories we have. As well as the fact that for the first time in my life I thought I knew real love. This man was my heart & my best friend. I loved waking up to him every morning.

My husband has been VERY good to me in many ways, he has been my best friend, and truly a good husband in many ways.  He has also hurt me and I believe he feels bad about that (remorse and shame) yet he always wants to try to figure out what I did to contribute to it (blame game).  This has been wearing to say the least.  I am in a stage of extreme sadness as we move toward divorce -- it is very hard for me to reconcile all the good - he has been very loving, considerate, kind, affectionate (this is a man who makes my coffee every single day and starts my car, who will pick me up in the snow, or do anything for me, we are just compatible and love to talk - he told me many times his main goal in our relationship was to make me happy).  All of that is the knife in the heart - I am divorcing someone I still love which is very difficult compared to for example my friend who was divorced last year and sees her husband as a 100% d**che bag (much easier to leave that behind!)

However, he has something very dark in him that his been coming out more more the last 3-4 years - he is negative, unhappy, needs someone to blame things on.  When he has conflicts (for example at work) it is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  If I don't agree with him (which I usually don't because it's pretty clear how his reactive emotions cause problems for him), then I am UNSUPPORTIVE.  We did this DANCE for years.

I am worn out, exhausted.  And, though he has tried therapy a few times over the years, he always quits.  I just don't see or have hope anymore for change.  Mind you, I DO WISH HE WOULD CHANGE - I clung to that hope for the last few years.  I just don't believe it anymore.

But, YES, it is with total MIXED EMOTIONS that I move toward divorce from a man who has been my best friend for 12 years - we have no kids but we have a life and home together.  I will be starting ALL OVER at 45.  This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I have EVER gone through.

Hang in there.  This is NOT easy.  And, thank goodness for this board and the wonderful advice and support offered here.