When does the setting of boundaries finally sink in?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My BPD son 21 moved out to live with new supportive loving people-his new family, banned us from helping/supporting/visiting him during surgery, which we paid for, and hurt us badly.

6 weeks later, he's doing good in his new home and now expects everything to be forgotten because-hey-he needs our financial help.

We spend a lot of time crafting a letter setting strong, detailed boundaries, financial settlements, end dates, what we will give him, what he will have to take care of, what we don't want.

He accepts the deal.

A week later he's emailing again because-it's hard to get car insurance (when you've had 5 accidents in a year and 2 tickets). My dh makes the mistake of trying to help him, opening the door to another series of emails demanding answers and complaining that the financial settlement isn't good enough or specific enough to meet his special circumstances (the usual underlying tone is YOU OWE ME).

Then he starts on us about whether we will pay for university. We've given him enough to get through to June 2013 for community college.

We again spend hours crafting a neutral letter reminding him that he wanted this financial and physical independence and that what we offered is the deal he took and no more.

It's exhausting the way he constantly looks to find a new angle to get at us.

When does it stop?

Does it ever stop? 

Today I had my mum in the UK on the phone upset because he'd written to her suggesting she might like it if he comes to live with her next summer... .this is the old frail lady he horrified and upset when he raged at me in her flat last summer. No apology, of course.

When does he accept our boundaries, or is this going to go on for the rest of our lives? I don't think my nerves can take it.LOL

[Kate4queen]

My BPD son 21 moved out to live with new supportive loving people-his new family, banned us from helping/supporting/visiting him during surgery, which we paid for, and hurt us badly.

6 weeks later, he's doing good in his new home and now expects everything to be forgotten because-hey-he needs our financial help.

We spend a lot of time crafting a letter setting strong, detailed boundaries, financial settlements, end dates, what we will give him, what he will have to take care of, what we don't want.

He accepts the deal.

A week later he's emailing again because-it's hard to get car insurance (when you've had 5 accidents in a year and 2 tickets). My dh makes the mistake of trying to help him, opening the door to another series of emails demanding answers and complaining that the financial settlement isn't good enough or specific enough to meet his special circumstances (the usual underlying tone is YOU OWE ME).

Then he starts on us about whether we will pay for university. We've given him enough to get through to June 2013 for community college.

We again spend hours crafting a neutral letter reminding him that he wanted this financial and physical independence and that what we offered is the deal he took and no more.

It's exhausting the way he constantly looks to find a new angle to get at us.

When does it stop?

Does it ever stop? 

Today I had my mum in the UK on the phone upset because he'd written to her suggesting she might like it if he comes to live with her next summer... .this is the old frail lady he horrified and upset when he raged at me in her flat last summer. No apology, of course.

When does he accept our boundaries, or is this going to go on for the rest of our lives? I don't think my nerves can take it.LOL

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Good questions Kate4Queen!

We need to be prepared to enforce our boundaries indefinitely.  Sometimes the person  who we are protecting ourselves from will continue to challenge our boundaries. 

What we need to be mindful of is the consistancy to which we defend our boundaries... .do we waver or are we constant?  Do we bend to their will out of confusion or fear? 

It is very important to give our boundaries careful thought. Our boundaries are to be based on our values... .what is important to us enough to defend no matter what.

For me ... .I have only a few boundaries and they are for safety issues.  I have many other rules to live by... .and they are not nearly as solid as my value based boundaries.

lbj

[qcarolr]

Kate4queen,

The letter, which sounds like a good one, may be a behavior contract more than what we refer to here as 'values based boundaries'. Kind of what lbnjltx is referring to as 'rules'. We do not have any power or control of the responses or requests of anyone else. We can only control and take of ourselves. Often there can be a positive effect on others as we get better at the taking care of our values piece - but this is a gift, not a given.

So in some ways it can go one forever - as long as you let it. As parents it is important to keep a connection with our kids. Each individual has to figure out where the 'line in the sand' is that they will protect. And consistently holding to the consequences of this line can work over time - work to give you some respite. It may be not taking these calls or texts from you son. Letting him know this limit, and then respecting it for yourself.

Does this make any sense?

qcr  

[Kate4queen]

Good questions Kate4Queen!

We need to be prepared to enforce our boundaries indefinitely.  Sometimes the person  who we are protecting ourselves from will continue to challenge our boundaries. 

What we need to be mindful of is the consistancy to which we defend our boundaries... .  do we waver or are we constant?  Do we bend to their will out of confusion or fear? 

It is very important to give our boundaries careful thought. Our boundaries are to be based on our values... .  what is important to us enough to defend no matter what.

For me ... .  I have only a few boundaries and they are for safety issues.  I have many other rules to live by... .  and they are not nearly as solid as my value based boundaries.

lbj

That's really helpful. We made these boundaries to uphold our values, safeguard our other children and live in peace. I need to keep reminding myself of that and that I can only control and change my part of this relationship.

[Kate4queen]

Kate4queen,

The letter, which sounds like a good one, may be a behavior contract more than what we refer to here as 'values based boundaries'. Kind of what lbnjltx is referring to as 'rules'. We do not have any power or control of the responses or requests of anyone else. We can only control and take of ourselves. Often there can be a positive effect on others as we get better at the taking care of our values piece - but this is a gift, not a given.

So in some ways it can go one forever - as long as you let it. As parents it is important to keep a connection with our kids. Each individual has to figure out where the 'line in the sand' is that they will protect. And consistently holding to the consequences of this line can work over time - work to give you some respite. It may be not taking these calls or texts from you son. Letting him know this limit, and then respecting it for yourself.

Does this make any sense?

qcr  

Yes it does, especially the bit about being consistent and that boundaries are founded in our values. We need to give it more time and get used to the fact that with him out of our house, he can't physically get at us anymore, so we have blessed time to think and to pause the stop button and then act after referring to our values and boundaries.

Thank you.

[forgottenarm]

Good questions Kate4Queen!

We need to be prepared to enforce our boundaries indefinitely.  Sometimes the person  who we are protecting ourselves from will continue to challenge our boundaries. 

What we need to be mindful of is the consistancy to which we defend our boundaries... .  do we waver or are we constant?  Do we bend to their will out of confusion or fear? 

It is very important to give our boundaries careful thought. Our boundaries are to be based on our values... .  what is important to us enough to defend no matter what.

For me ... .  I have only a few boundaries and they are for safety issues.  I have many other rules to live by... .  and they are not nearly as solid as my value based boundaries.

lbj

That's really helpful. We made these boundaries to uphold our values, safeguard our other children and live in peace. I need to keep reminding myself of that and that I can only control and change my part of this relationship.

Exactly---this is what I was thinking, too.  Boundaries are something you set for yourself, whether or not other people accept them.  It's about your behavior and choices, not theirs.  And like lb said, you might have to enforce them time and again with certain people.  I know I have   

[js friend]

Hi kate4queen,

Consistency is definitley the key to successful boundries. The boundries I have with my dd are important for me to maintain my sanity. There are  as important as that to me to have them.

One of the boundries I have with my dd18 is that I refuse to be drawn into the r/s dramas she has with her on/off bf.

At one point I had both coming to me to complain about the other. After a few agonosing days of being apart they would back together,and be all lovey dovey again while I was left feeling stressed out by it all. Then it would happen all over again. Barely a week would go by without some drama that they felt they needed to tell me about. The stress of it began to affect my health so I told dd and b/f that if they choose  to be together that they need to work out their problems between themselves and not to involve me anymore.