After 3 days NC, I sent her a text "miss you"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

You aren't crazy, Chuck. Hang in there the best you can.  I think all of us going through this spend a lot of time trying to figure out the why's - trying to make sense of it all.  I know I do. I think it's important to understand why someone does the things they do.  At the same time, the reason why isn't an excuse that makes hurtful behavior okay. It all seems so perplexing because you and I are trying to apply rationality to the behavior of an irrational person, especially when the BPD individual is in a period of extreme emotional disregulation.  

I try to remember that this person has a disorder that keeps them from being able to cope with / sit well with intimacy and difficult emotions.  They are in a constant state of pain and these are coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that served them well / ensured their survival at some point in life.  The behavior is very hurtful to you and I, but I don't believe that's the intention behind the actions.  You and I are the collateral damage of someone dealing with their overwhelming feelings the only way they know how to.  The only constant is inconsistency - chaos is their comfort zone. This person craves stability, but gaining the stability they crave scares the crap out of them.  Imagine being terrified to your core of the one thing you crave the most?  This person is undeniably hurtful, but they are not a monster.    

At the same time folks like you and I need to look at our own whys... .  Why we accept a relationship in which we are treated this way? Why do we allow this type of behavior?  What need do we have that this person is filling? Then I think we need to think about if this is something we can live with and, to some extent, come to accept without passing judgement on the BPD individual. You may be able to learn ways to communicate with this person more effectively, but you are not going to change who they are at their core.  If this person is open to treatment they may be able to eliminate or control some of the very radical shifts in mood / perception. However, I think it's fair to say that a relationship with this person is never going to be easy or simple.  The relationship is always going to be high maintenance (to say the least).  Is that something you can live with without compromising yourself, your morals or your sanity?  In the end you have to take care of you.  If you don't take care of yourself no one else will take care of you either.

Patientandclear - Thanks for the welcoming words.  I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all of this and trying to read about / educate myself about BPD.  I have been thinking about joining this site for a while now and hope that hearing the perspectives of other folks going through similar situations will be a source of comfort and help as I try to decide where to go from here.    

[WideAwake]

You aren't crazy, Chuck. Hang in there the best you can.  I think all of us going through this spend a lot of time trying to figure out the why's - trying to make sense of it all.  I know I do. I think it's important to understand why someone does the things they do.  At the same time, the reason why isn't an excuse that makes hurtful behavior okay. It all seems so perplexing because you and I are trying to apply rationality to the behavior of an irrational person, especially when the BPD individual is in a period of extreme emotional disregulation.  

I try to remember that this person has a disorder that keeps them from being able to cope with / sit well with intimacy and difficult emotions.  They are in a constant state of pain and these are coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms that served them well / ensured their survival at some point in life.  The behavior is very hurtful to you and I, but I don't believe that's the intention behind the actions.  You and I are the collateral damage of someone dealing with their overwhelming feelings the only way they know how to.  The only constant is inconsistency - chaos is their comfort zone. This person craves stability, but gaining the stability they crave scares the crap out of them.  Imagine being terrified to your core of the one thing you crave the most?  This person is undeniably hurtful, but they are not a monster.    

At the same time folks like you and I need to look at our own whys... .  Why we accept a relationship in which we are treated this way? Why do we allow this type of behavior?  What need do we have that this person is filling? Then I think we need to think about if this is something we can live with and, to some extent, come to accept without passing judgement on the BPD individual. You may be able to learn ways to communicate with this person more effectively, but you are not going to change who they are at their core.  If this person is open to treatment they may be able to eliminate or control some of the very radical shifts in mood / perception. However, I think it's fair to say that a relationship with this person is never going to be easy or simple.  The relationship is always going to be high maintenance (to say the least).  Is that something you can live with without compromising yourself, your morals or your sanity?  In the end you have to take care of you.  If you don't take care of yourself no one else will take care of you either.

Patientandclear - Thanks for the welcoming words.  I have been spending a lot of time thinking about all of this and trying to read about / educate myself about BPD.  I have been thinking about joining this site for a while now and hope that hearing the perspectives of other folks going through similar situations will be a source of comfort and help as I try to decide where to go from here.    

[cookiecrumbled]

thank you... .  not doing so well... .  10 minute crying meltdown in my car just now

i just dont get it... .  i dont... .  and i never will... .  its so Fking sick this BPD... .  it all seems like a dream

now this person i shared the most intimate part of myself with... .  she threw it all away on a dime

like it was nothing... .  im guessing the week of NC we are at now has been a little harder on me than

her... .  why is it feeling worse right now not better as we break our all time NC record 7 days... .  

does she even know that? or care?

why at Xmas did i get a 90 minute xmas eve phone call followed by 3 more on xmas day?

so she could pull the rug out just one more time?

im the crazy one im beginning to think for allowing this treatment OVER and OVER

when will it end?

Chuck

Hi Chuck.  I know how hard it is.  I've had many such crying sessions.

In what you wrote just now, I hear both an intense sadness that is completely understandable and necessary; and a lack of acceptance of what causes this that is probably contributing to your pain.  I don't know how to hurry acceptance either, so not sure how helpful that is, but I do think the "why does it have to be this way?" questions are torture and if you can manage to explain that to yourself consistently, it will feel better.

For the longest time I wrote little pieces of my understanding on index cards & carried them around with me -- things like "the closer he feels to me, the worse he feels."  That's an amazing statement but in the case of my uBPDex, a true one, and probably true of almost all the people we are on here writing about.  But when I really grasp the truth of it, it requires that I let go of that whole family of hurtful questions like "if I was more XY or Z would it be different?"

Honestly, if you can assimilate that the better things are, the harder things are; and that pwBPD can't just reason themselves out of that emotional Catch 22 ... .  maybe you can forgive yourself, and her.  Neither of you can just make her reactions go away by wanting it.  Her reactions come from a real place of fear; she does not know how to fully trust you; and these likely are really coping mechanisms to deal with real hurt, before you.

Right now, since she is not saying she is open to more, you can love her from a distance and give her space.  Which means not invading with "I miss you."

If she is open to more and thinks she might be up to it, and you want to try, you should spend time on the Staying Board to understand what you might do differently so your actions/reactions are not making things worse.  Fundamentally though, you cannot engage with a pwBPD and expect them to function normally emotionally.  It won't happen and expecting it to is a recipe for hurt for both of you.

[PM720]

thank you... .  not doing so well... .  10 minute crying meltdown in my car just now

i just dont get it... .  i dont... .  and i never will... .  its so Fking sick this BPD... .  it all seems like a dream

now this person i shared the most intimate part of myself with... .  she threw it all away on a dime

like it was nothing... .  im guessing the week of NC we are at now has been a little harder on me than

her... .  why is it feeling worse right now not better as we break our all time NC record 7 days... .  

does she even know that? or care?

why at Xmas did i get a 90 minute xmas eve phone call followed by 3 more on xmas day?

so she could pull the rug out just one more time?

im the crazy one im beginning to think for allowing this treatment OVER and OVER

when will it end?

Chuck

Dude, from reading your other posts you are doing one hell of a job.  You are going to experience ups and downs, thats just normal.  My question to you is (may seem kinda stupid), do you have any friends or interests or hobbies?  I am sure the answer to all of those is yes.  That is what you should focus your time and energy on... .  yourself.  Why continue wasting all of your time and energy on someone who treats you badly? When you find yourself getting down, go out and do something.  Go for a run, go to the gym, do something you like, but don't go down the spiral of being depressed. One thing I do when I feel this is happening, is I tell myself, OK, I am going to allow myself to be down for a certain amount of time (30 mins). And after that time passes, I am going to go out and do something and not focus on this anymore.

You need to stop trying to rationalize her behavior.  I am guilty of this too. The things they do will never make sense because they are not rational. So don't even bother. Just know thats how they are and let it go. 7 days NC is a great start man. Focus on you. You managed to live your life for a very long time without her. No reason you can't start being an even better person after her.

[Washisheart]

Chuck, change your phone number, its the ONLY way to get rid of the temptation to answer or respond.

Block her on fb.  You won't be able to see her page that way. Or you are going to drive yourself crazy stalkin it.

Get away for a few days. Take a staycation. You need to get away from the familiar to help you think more objectively

[chuckstrong]

Hi

Thanks everyone... .  i appreciate the great support and advice... .  the rumination is killing me

for sure... .  day 9 NC and im struggling... .  this is "our" weekend no kids (every other) so of course

i cant help but wonder what she is doing... .  have and will resist stalking/drive by moves but gotta

admit its crossed my mind... .  for what end tho that would be foolish for sure... .  instead i will focus on ME

today... .  gonna read a book, go to the gym and watch the NFL playoffs later... .  and continue to remind

myself ive done anything and everything possible way above any normal expectation to try and love

and support a person that cannot be loved and supported... .  that everything i read here tells me this is NEVER going to get better and time for me to fold up my tent and finally move on... .  all that being said i

STILL want to contact her so bad and continue to wonder when if why is she not contacting me... .  i hope

eventually these feelings will go away and i can truly get back to being CHUCKSTRONG!

hope everyone here has a relatively BPD free awesome weekend and thanks again for the

amazing concern, love, and support you all have given me

Chuck