New Years...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I thought New Years would be quiet and stress free. My daughter stayed up late and by the time I got her to bed, she was overtired and crying. UBPDh comes out of the bedroom and tells me to 'be quiet' bc I had said to leave her be. He told me to be quiet at Thanksgiving too, which we never discussed. How dare he talk to me this way. He told her to pack her bags.  I'm livid. So now he's told me this and now her. I'm tired of this fight and not being able to live in a loving environment. This is wrong on all levels. He acts like a bully and it's not stopping.

What do I say to him tomorrow? He has to get his emotions in order and stop talking like this.  He's pushing his family away... .  maybe that's for the best.

[Mind]

I thought New Years would be quiet and stress free. My daughter stayed up late and by the time I got her to bed, she was overtired and crying. UBPDh comes out of the bedroom and tells me to 'be quiet' bc I had said to leave her be. He told me to be quiet at Thanksgiving too, which we never discussed. How dare he talk to me this way. He told her to pack her bags.  I'm livid. So now he's told me this and now her. I'm tired of this fight and not being able to live in a loving environment. This is wrong on all levels. He acts like a bully and it's not stopping.

What do I say to him tomorrow? He has to get his emotions in order and stop talking like this.  He's pushing his family away... .  maybe that's for the best.

[Validation78]

Hey Sparkle!

Sorry to hear that it was a rough night for you!

You say you know this is wrong, and you should not have to live this way and I agree. So what can you do about it? If you think you can make some changes in the way you interact with him, and salvage the relationship, then you have to start making the changes. You can't expect him to do anything different until do something different. Not responding to his awful behavior by setting boundaries and enforcing them tells him that this is acceptable to you. Remember, we teach others how to treat us.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Mind]

Thanks for getting back. I am aware of boundary setting. I just wasn't sure how to word it. Example: 'Please stop telling me to be quiet. That isn't a loving way to speak to me and I won't tolerate it.'

[Newton]

Hi sparkle13... .  a boundary is to protect us... .  it's not designed to influence other people (although with time others will start to realise we have set a boundary and adjust their behaviour accordingly... .  as Val said "we teach others how to treat us"... .  

The boundary part of your sentence is "... .  I won't tolerate it".

Your boundary could be as simple as "I will not have a discussion with someone who I feel is bullying me".

A boundary doesn't have to be spoken... .  it's a value you are sticking to to look after you 

[Mind]

Ah, okay. That makes sense, thanks! I need to print out this boundary and keep it handy. I wasn't quite sure how to approach it this time. Sometimes this stuff can be so confusing. Thinking that the boundary is for me helps a bit. He said good morning but I can tell he's mad. So I wonder if the cycle has begun.