Change in Child Care

[Peaceful.]

Hi all... .  back from an extended absence on the boards.   Wondering if anyone has insight or experience on this financial/child care issue.

uBPDx and I have a 50-50 shared parenting schedule for d4. Until recently we have shared the same live-out caretaker, who spent equal time at each residence and was paid an hourly rate. The total time of caretaking is two full weekdays, and school pickups the other three days of the week, no weekends. We each share the expenses of this pro rata. Caretaker is now leaving.

uBPDx wants to have a live-in au pair instead. Au pair would still care for child at each separate residence, but pay rate will be in room and board at uBPDx residence, plus a weekly stipend. The total amount of cash paid to the au pair works out to be less than the total amount of cash paid for the previous caretaker.

uBPDx is asking for me to pay the SAME amount of cash each month, however. Technically, I am paying the same amount of cash for the same amount of caretaking I recieved before. But: the result is that she will actually be making money on the deal. I will be paying the same amount, but she will be paying out no cash. Her payment will be in covering the "room and board," which may or may not be equal to the amount that she would normally pay.

I can't decide if this is fair or not. Is the room and board really that valuable?

The issue, however, is how to calcuate a fair cost when schedule changes: when d4 is in school full time, so that the amount of caretaking time is only school pickups during the week, no full days. In this case, I can't be expected to pay the same amount, but don't know how to calculate a fair rate. I need to figure this out before I can agree to the new arrangement.

I'm also concerned about this setting a precedent that a live-in au pair is a necessary arrangement. I don't think it is.

[Matt]

Sounds like you have a few options:

* You can say, "OK."

* You can say, "OK, but I will continue to pay 50%."

* You can say, "The current arrangement works well so let's not change it.  We'll find another person to work on the same basis."

* You can say, "I will be responsible for Child on such-and-such days and times, per the court order.  You are responsible for Child at other times."  Then make your own arrangements for the times you're responsible for D4 but need to work, and let him make his own arrangements.

I'd probably go with the last solution, but all these seem reasonable to me.

I do think you are wise to make sure it's clear not only how things will work now, but how they'll work when D4 is in school full-time.  If you don't settle that now, it's sure to cause problems later.

By the way, where I live, an au pair arrangement like this would be suspicious.  It's just not normal to have someone live in your home unless there is a really good reason for it.  But that might be different where you live... .  ?

[livednlearned]

So you paid X amount for a live-out caretaker who is no longer there.

Caretaker leaves.

New caretaker costs less.

You still pay the same amount as you did for the more expensive caretaker.

Doesn't make sense to me at all. And the money goes to your ex and not the caretaker?

Makes no sense at all.

If the au pair lives in the house, sure there is overhead. But the au pair is also there to help your ex during the 50% your daughter is there. She benefits, you don't.

I would adjust what you pay.

Either that, or hire someone on your own, and pay her directly.

[ForeverDad]

Daycare is an option many parents use.  One advantage to that is that the children get to regularly socialize and interact with other children in their age group.

In any case, if you do agree to live-in help staying at ex's residence, you still need to control your parenting time.  Even if it works for her, for you maybe it could work, maybe not.  It probably would be good to limit any agreement to temporary or trial basis, although I don't know if an au pair can be arranged on a trial basis.

[Matt]

The idea of a young person, probably of the opposite sex, living with an older adult who has BPD, seems like a really bad idea to me.  I can think of a number of ways it could go wrong.  I would just say that's not an option, but I guess you'd have to figure out how to communicate that without any insinuations.

"I don't think the au pair idea is a good one, and I won't agree to it.  We can continue the way we have been, with a different person, and continue to share the cost 50/50."

[livednlearned]

I've worked as an au pair in another country, and it's a very vulnerable situation. There's tremendous opportunity for abuse and not a whole lot to fall back on when things don't work out. If your BPD is likely to abuse her power, that au pair is going to be miserable. And that will affect your daughter's care. Even if she doesn't abuse her, your ex may triangulate your au pair in weird ways against you. Can you look into the agency the au pair came through? Maybe check to see what recourse the au pair has if she has a complaint about her employer?

Sharing a caregiver with a pwBPD seems like one issue that is difficult to navigate, but sharing an au pair... .  that's adding something entirely different into the occasion.

If you can afford your own child care, or can talk your ex out of the au pair, I think you'll have clearer boundaries and be less responsible for a potential train wreck. FD's suggestion for daycare also gives you a neutral 3rd party that is harder for your ex to triangulate.

[Peaceful.]

Thanks all for the wise advice. livednlearned, you are getting it.

If your BPD is likely to abuse her power, that au pair is going to be miserable. And that will affect your daughter's care. Even if she doesn't abuse her, your ex may triangulate your au pair in weird ways against you.

Yes, I know. I have already seen this with other shared caregivers. Eventually, they feel threatened by her, end up siding with me. Then they don't want to do it any more. But this risk exists with any caregiver.

Sharing has been beneficial overall vs going our own separate ways. I have the skills to be able to help and teach my ex through the parenting process, all for the benefit of d, and this is my strategy. It has been effective. It is not an NC kind of relationship. I am looking to maximize positive contact because that makes a more positive experience for d.

Allowing for a live-in is a risk. One of the pros are that an au pair will help to lessen the struggle that my ex experiences. I feel it is better to have someone else take on the responsibilities of getting d to school, then to have a BPD sufferer try to struggle through it. The au pair is like building a ramp for someone that needs a wheelchair.

The thing that is hard to calculate is when you need the ramp, how high, and when you don't need the ramp.  When to let the BPD sufferer learn on their own. But that is getting off topic.

[ForeverDad]

To expand, the au pair would likely be some sort of exchange student, in other words, young and inexperienced, not prepared to deal with high conflict or the continual push-pull of constantly changing moods and distorted perceptions.  What would you do is ex convinces the AP that you're the problem?  What if the AP feels pressured to side with the person the AP is living with?

Remember, the poor behaviors are generally worst for those closest.  While the AP may start out as ex's friend, it's likely it won't stay that way, not if AP stands up and speaks out.

The potential for it to go badly is high since so much of it would be out of your control.  Your ex would be the official host, I suspect.  You might jsut be a footnote in the arrangement.  What would it take for her to convince AP to support her version of reality or events rather than you?

[Matt]

Yeah, what you guys are all saying is the kind of thing I was thinking.

Living with someone is not something that untreated BPD sufferers do well, even when they get to choose who to live with - a spouse, life partner, etc.

To expect a youngish and not-super-well-trained person - especially of the opposite sex - to make it work living in the same home as the pwBPD just seems like it could go all kinds of wrong.

If you communicate it skillfully - using some of the thoughts FD and LnL have given you, plus your own ideas in your last post - you could maybe be seen as a sensible, insightful parent - able to see what's likely to work and what's not, and make good judgments.

I think if I was a judge, and this au pair plan was brought before me, I would think whoever suggested it, or supported it, was pretty clueless.

[Peaceful.]

Thanks much for this. Helped me sort out my position.