Oh the holidays, and everything else that's happened since...

[mlle24]

Well... I've been here on and off for a while. Probably about a year now. In the past year I've moved 5 times, my grandmother (who was more like a mother to me) died, and I'm ready for a better new year.

So just before christmas it snowed where I live. My mom asked me (and my bf whom I live with) to drive 21.5 miles to help her shovel/snow-blow the driveway. Streets were icy, schools were closed, I hadn't scraped my car and my boyfriend saw 3 accidents on his normally 5 minute drive home from work.

I told her I was sorry but I didn't feel comfortable driving and my car wasn't cleared off.  She then proceeded to tell me not to bother coming to christmas, not to show up to "any of her events" and that I was "dead to her".

This was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I've been himming and hawing about whether or not to go "no contact". I want to be NC, but I've felt in the past unable to do so for a number of reasons.  I have decided to be as NC as humanly possible with her.  I did not attend Christmas activities with her or the rest of my family (although she did "re-invite" my bf and I).  I knew it would be nothing but an entire 2 day period of toxic, overly dramatic, unhealthy time spent with "family".

I'm learning to redefine my idea of family.  She really doesn't like this.

She's still acting like nothing has changed. She texted me 4 times and called me 2 times in less than a half hour today. Once I was done doing what I was in the middle of, I texted her once and called her once. About 3 hours later when I still hadn't heard from her I sent a simple "?" text message. As in "hello? did you get my other message or are you going to ignore me".  She came back raging about how I had ignored her and she didn't think I was going to respond so she went to a movie to keep from getting angry. (Well clearly that didn't work based on the way she's acting now)

[backstory:  the laptop I have was my grandmothers. when my grandmother passed away my mom said she would take the (newer, better) desktop computer and I could have the laptop.  I did not ask for it.  She may have heard me ask what was going to happen to the computers and though I was implying something, however I wasn't.  My mom demanded the laptop back when she lost her own laptop. Once I found her laptop (in the non-tempurature-controlled garage mind you), she said I could have "mine" back.  I now have my laptop. Have had it for a few months now (probably 4?)]

She's demanding I bring her this laptop. She says it has software on it for something she needs. The software she claims is on it I can't find anywhere. There is no disc in the disc drive like she claimed, and no program listed under what she said it was called.  She told me to bring it tonight, I told her I have a meeting I need it for tomorrow (which I do); but she's now told me to bring it over once the meeting is done.  I told her in a text I'd text/call when I was done with the meeting. When she said "bring it when you're done" i said "i'll let you know".

I still have a few personal items at "her" house (it was my grandma's house and she changed the locks on me once she moved into it). Ideally I'd really like to get those items. However, knowing my mom and her erratic behavior--I really do not want to give her the opportunity to take my laptop (that was given to me) and not get it back.

She asked me tonight what "we" were going to do to work on our relationship.  I give up. I feel like a horse who's been beaten and I just don't have it in me to get back up again.  I have no desire whatsoever to work on our relationship. I want to end our relationship... .  

Any suggestions?  Some of the things still at her house are of great sentimental value to me... .  I'm going to try to go get them tomorrow while she's at work maybe?  But... .  as far as continuing a relationship I don't see that happening.

[tigerlily87]

I am very sorry that your mom is being so difficult. I hope you get your things back. I don't know what it takes before you can call quits on a relationship, especially when it is family. My sister has unBPD and I eventually moved out (300 miles away) because I couldn't take the emotional abuse. I didn't realize she had BPD until recently. I just knew I was miserable, and when I finally stopped blaming myself for her behavior (i.e. I realized I am not a selfish judgmental sister that ruined her life). She did me the favor and is no longer talking to me as of 6 months ago because I "betrayed" her (I didn't think it was a good idea that she throw a birthday party for my little sis at our parent's expense, because they are broke). There is one thing I have decided, that if having a relationship with my sister only makes me more miserable and does absolutely nothing for her, then it's not worth it for either party.

After I moved out, she reached out to me once and said she was "forgiving me". I told her I wasn't apologizing for anything and that I am tired of her trying to emotionally manipulate me. I stayed strong and she finally came to and for the first time in my life, she apologized. After that I began calling her regularly and talking to her. This lasted for about a few months before she accused me of "betraying" her. I realized it is just the same cycle over and over again. She does something hurtful, I confront her, she lashes out and says my feeling are not valid, victimizes herself, throws a dramatic emotional tantrum, threatens to hurt herself or us, until we finally give in and apologize for being horrible people (we meaning my parents and I). I had hope that she was changing... .  I don't anymore. I don't understand why I should keep setting myself up for disappointment, anger, blame, etc. My parents are trying to get us to talk again, but I told them "why should I keep getting in line to ride the emotional roller coaster?" But to stay NC, I realized I have to be comfortable with her being angery with me. We are conditioned to feel guilty and made to believe that it is our fault. If you decide that having a relationship with your mother is not possible, then be prepared to handle the guilt.

Wish you all the best and thank your for sharing.

[MKG1015]

mlle24-

I am sorry you having these issues, especially since you are grieving for your grandmother on top of it all. My honest opinion is this: if there is no disc in the drive and program on the computer do not take it over there. Inform her there is nothing there and that you are computer literate enough to search for it. As far as:

Some of the things still at her house are of great sentimental value to me... .  I'm going to try to go get them tomorrow while she's at work maybe?

be careful with that, if she is erratic as MY mother, she may call the cops and claim the items stolen. That invites a whole other issue you do not want to tangle with.

I, like you, have struggled with the no contact thing for years. I even moved 500 miles away and yet still have not done it. You are probably feeling the same things I did: responsibility, sadness, hurt and just plain old exhaustion.

I feel like a horse who's been beaten and I just don't have it in me to get back up again.

I know that feeling only I used the "kicked puppy" metaphor of being kicked by the owner but keeps sidling back hoping to be petted. If you feel like you have reached the end of your rope, maybe you have. Take another look at NC and figure out what that will entail. The good and the bad: No more "beatings" and yet she will not be present at things like your wedding (if your bf proposes). If you can handle that and feel like it is the only way to protect yourself do it. Now. Otherwise spend sometime reading and building some boundaries. I am a big fan of the book "Surviving a Bordeline Parent." It opened my eyes to quite a lot about ME which is something that I think you need. Look at yourself and decide what is best for you and no one else.

Hang in there   we all know the road you are shoveling