Anyone confront their ex about smearing? I want to

[Depression = 72% of members]

Second question - does anyone have any insights into why BPDs lie or exaggerate abuse/harassment?

It may help me understand the smearing...

My ex always seemed threatened... or seemed to be on the "look out for danger".  I thought maybe she was like this because she had been bullied throughout childhood (so she says) and never got significant help for it.

So perhaps being bullied can lead to being paranoid about safety and misinterpreting people's actions and words as abusive?

She would constantly fear abandonment too and snap easily at me (if she misunderstood what i was saying as being threatening or critical).

After our break up fight I had angrily replied to her via text saying "I'm going out tonight... so maybe we chat another time"

I wanted to cool off.

She told me later when dumping me that this was the CLINCHER for her. This was me making a point and (most likely in her mind a sign I was going to leave her first).

She would freak out so much in arguments... ie the time when she had a panic attack when I left her place after she spoke rudely to me.

[Diana82]

Second question - does anyone have any insights into why BPDs lie or exaggerate abuse/harassment?

It may help me understand the smearing...

My ex always seemed threatened... or seemed to be on the "look out for danger".  I thought maybe she was like this because she had been bullied throughout childhood (so she says) and never got significant help for it.

So perhaps being bullied can lead to being paranoid about safety and misinterpreting people's actions and words as abusive?

She would constantly fear abandonment too and snap easily at me (if she misunderstood what i was saying as being threatening or critical).

After our break up fight I had angrily replied to her via text saying "I'm going out tonight... so maybe we chat another time"

I wanted to cool off.

She told me later when dumping me that this was the CLINCHER for her. This was me making a point and (most likely in her mind a sign I was going to leave her first).

She would freak out so much in arguments... ie the time when she had a panic attack when I left her place after she spoke rudely to me.

[seeking balance]

diana,

abuse stories are common - it is a cornerstone for developing a loaded attachment bond.  you started out as the savior while you listened with sympathy.  you became the persecutor over time in her mind and in her reality... .  you cannot apply logic to this nor can you control it.  to learn more - read about karpman triangle.

yes, my ex told friends she was surviving an abusive marriage... .  yes, it was unfair and it hurt... .  no matter what you say, time shows the full story.

what is going on with you - how can we help you focus a bit more on your feelings so you can slow that hamster wheel down?

[Diana82]

The reason I asked people's thoughts on the ex turned rapist story is because sometimes I actually think I'm a very suspicious person.

Prior to this ex, I was with a pathological liar. My recent BPD ex chose to point this out to me when she was dumping me. And told me I have baggage and that's why I am suspicious of her.

She said I need help for being so suspicious.

Yet... I kept saying I was never suspicious until I saw the inconsistencies.

So I just want to hear what others would have done... had their own partner turned around 3 years into their relationship and claimed they were almost raped and the story changed?

How would u have approached it? I feel i also need to learn to approach potential liars better...

I tend to let it fester and rot and then explode at them later about it

[Diana82]

I don't know for certain if my ex lied about being almost raped btw.

I only assume.

Considering she lied about having one obsessive stalker and the almost rape story changed... I'm thinking it's a strong possibility my ex lied or heavily exaggerated all her abuse stories.

I also had a gut feeling something wasn't right about her and her stories. I had this inkling she wasn't a stable character but couldn't be coherent about it. So in the break up fight my words were all over the place. I brought up stupid examples to prove her inconsistencies rather than just tell her in a calm manner I can't keep up with all the changes. This was also fuel for her bring able to tell everyone I had a crazy "spat" and need help.

[VeryConfusedNon]

What were you doing to be labeled as stalkerish?

I just read a comment about how if you question it, you probably aren't.

Everyone who knows me knows I am an "internet stalker", but I never put the information to use, except recently, when I got a text off an unknown number and am fairly sure it was my ex. I send some ... .  text messages, non prosecuting... .  You know... perusing facebook profiles... etc... .  

I can't stop looking at my ex's online stuff, are you doing this?

[anonnon]

But she sure knows how to make me feel bad. Because when she started sobbing, she also added in "I'm a lonely person-I was lonely before I met you" and "Why do people always hurt me?'

I fell for it and took back everything I said to her and apologised and apologised. Then she switched out of sob mode to attacker mode and dumped me. She had a way to make me feel sorry for her

But I remember thinking- what does she mean by telling me "I'm a lonely person- I was lonely before I met you!"

What on earth has that got to do with anything and why say that before dumping me!  Was it her way of telling me she has issues?

Any ideas?

I've seen you asking about this comment a LOT, hoping to unravel the mystery and provide your own sense of closure.

You've answered it here for yourself, though.


Is there an answer you've been perhaps hoping to hear Diana, or has it been a genuine mystery? Your theoretical reason you've provided for her saying it seems so... .  hopeful. You're caught up in trying to put her first, still, and not yourself.

Yes, she was probably trying to hurt you and/or elicit sympathy. She's disordered, so you'll never know for sure. She probably couldn't tell you herself.

(Or could even just be her accepting the circumstances she believes can never change - an acknowledgment of returning to her usual state.)

[Diana82]

Veryconfusednon>

I did not stalk my ex. When she dumped me she asked me to leave her alone cos I apparently " burnt her".

I didn't contact her for two days. Then I tried calling her because I wanted to reconcile. I didn't believe the break up was real. I found it hard to accept shed break up with me so hastily after an argument. I tried again next day and sent her an apologetic  handwritten letter in her mailbox. The next week I tried calling 4 x times and emailed. That's when she sent me a dismissive text saying she wishes to have "no more contact on the this".

I guess I should have then backed off but I asked for more explanation. She continued to ignore me and then changed her number.

I let things be for a month but realised she had my mums books, my ring, clothes etc. So i emailed her  asking if she can drop them off or pick them up. She ignored me for 2 weeks and I emailed again and that's when I find my books dumped on the sidewalk by my gate. No note... And none of the other stuff.

It was so cold! I couldnt get over it. The act was full of f&ck you hatred.

I had to then ask her to return the REST of my stuff but she again ignored me and didn't respond at all. I waited 2 months. That's when I contacted her flatmate/best friend to ask for help and was abused by him telling me to " leave her alone" because she wants me " out of her life!" and apparently she didn't have my other stuff. The flatmate also yelled " you will never get closure from her!"

It was awful. Since then I have made no contact with her and removed her from LinkedIn. She already deleted me off Facebook but I blocked her so she can't even see my profile photo.

She wanted me out of her life. So her wish is granted.

But when I hear that I've been made out to be a crazy harasser when she is the one who deliberately ignored me- it's infuriating.

[Diana82]

I'm really just trying to gauge what others would have done in my shoes... .  

If your partner had suddenly told you 3 years into the rship that her ex who was always  portrayed as frigid, cold and distant was then made out to be a predator who tried to rape her?

And what if your ex changed from portraying themselves as being undesirable and unattractive and degraded in the beginning - then later changing to tell you she had loads of admirers, stalkers and prople who always tried groping her in public?

And when you did ask her why things changed shed be super defensive.

How would you have addressed these inconsistencies?

I pushed them into the back of my mind and they festered.

So that day when my ex snapped at me I thought of all her weird inconsistencies  and the way she got so weirdly defensive - and it all came out as one big attack on her. I got angry with her for the first time really and told her off

But I am wondering how others would have handled this

[VeryConfusedNon]

"And what if your ex changed from portraying themselves as being undesirable and unattractive and degraded in the beginning - then later changing to tell you she had loads of admirers, stalkers and prople who always tried groping her in public?"

--> my ex was insecure, said no body hit on her, when she went back to school, said guys would hit on her, and it's not like she ignored, ... .  did I find it weird she was always around guys... .  the company of men... .  

"It was awful. Since then I have made no contact with her and removed her from LinkedIn. She already deleted me off Facebook but I blocked her so she can't even see my profile photo." --> did you notice she even removed from mutual friends?

The sudden coldness? Right here too, I could not believe how ice cold she got.

Was it difficult to get into a relationship with her in the first place? Did she bring up marriage/future very early into the relationship? Did you guys live together, or did she want to live together very early on?

If I can guarantee you anything, you may still be obsessed over this matter 3-4 months from now, but it will be a lot easier, and you won't get heart attack chest pangs or something similar to that, from the emotional pain

[Diana82]

No, we got on very well from the get go. She also idealised me and I lapped it up. Who doesn't like being idealised?

She did seem to attach herself very quickly to me and told me I was her true love after only dating for few months.

She also told me I meant the world to her and she was forever mine. Yet... I feel now that I was there to fill her void.

[Diana82]

So was anyone else made to feel like THEY were too suspicious or crazy for thinking their ex was deceptive or unstable?

Have you questioned yourself for being too untrusting?

I have. Even though my gut instincts told me my ex was unstable and perhaps exaggerating abuse. Even when dumping me she told me I am too suspicious and have issues and "need help".

It was so demeaning.  Yet it made me wonder and I have felt bad that I was even perhaps too hard on her :/

[Diana82]

Do you think telling a BPD that they're too inconsistent/ deceptive is the worst insult imagineable to them?

My ex claimed me telling her this "burnt her". And that I sit in the top list of people who have hurt her (bullies, the sexual assaulting ex etc).

It seems so extreme. But I always think... if someone is that defensive - they're guilty or hiding something

[Surnia]

Diana

what about your original question, sending a letter or not? You got many helpful answers here. What are your plans?

And Seeking balance asked you a very good question.

diana,

what is going on with you - how can we help you focus a bit more on your feelings so you can slow that hamster wheel down?

[Diana82]

Hi

I haven't decided yet... I am really conflicted.

I know my letter (email) will be ignored. She may even have blocked my emails who knows.

I have no idea if she is saying I abused/was a bully to her or such but I am certain it's a possibility. Her flatmate already told me I have been "harassing her for months and it's unacceptable" and a mutual friend heard I was apparently crazy. So she is definitely out there playing victim and still withholding my stuff while pretending I harassed her for no reason.

If im honest... I want to warn her. I want her to know that I have a full support network who know about her smearing antics and her false stories. I want her to know that I will not tolerate rubbish being said about me.

Word gets around so fast in the gay community here. My friend knows my ex's alleged stalker! And they both know that my ex is probably bipolar and have thought so for years.

I know her words are hogwash but I genuinely believed for 2.5 years that my ex had lead an abuse-filled life. I didn't think to ask why she never filed police reports though. She is a trained Lawyer so I doubt she would lie to police.

It's more she is capable of harming your credibility in a community.

For some reason I feel it will make me feel better to warn her I know about her and won't tolerate it. But then- I think maybe she could use my email as a means of further harassment? Her sick head will twist it around and she'll show it to everyone and say "look! She's STILL harassing me!"

[Diana82]

I was so insulted when (while she was dumping me) she said she has to hide her cell phone in her handbag every day- because she doesn't know what's coming from me.

She said my texts (during the fight) are a "form of harassment".

I was like what! She was participating in the text argument and flicking back essay long responses.

This is what I asked earlier... My ex appears to be a huge drama queen. Is there HPD mixed in with BPD?

Misinterpreting words was one thing. But calling our argument harassment was just so extreme.

Can someone explain to me why they have a heightened sense of abuse? Why they feel so easily threatened? My ex was bullied throughout childhood and had safety issues. Could this be the reason?

[seeking balance]

What are you conflicted about? 

Do you feel unfairly treated maybe?

[Diana82]

Conflicted over sending my ex an email asking her to quit smearing me.

[id-crisis]

Anyone else never receive their things back and were met with hostility?  

I could tell you an insane story about what I've been through in trying to recover some of my belongings - totally insane and I am the one who ended up with an official warning from Domestic abuse Organisation in the UK ... .  whille I HAD BEEN FORCED TO FLEE MY HOME AND MOVE TO A REFUGE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! With just two carrier bags of my clothes and miles away from my family

Ugh, I cannot go through the tedious retelling but you wouldn't believe it. I still cannot believe it and it really galls me the way they can twist things and manipulate others - even professionals in the field of abuse!    :'(

I also got a bit sick of people telling me "it's just stuff" and that the important thing is that he is out of my life now blah blah ... .  I don't care about ALL of my stuff but my entire past is there ... .  all the photograph's of my children (i have never owned a digital camera) and the only item I own that my recently deceased father gave me, it's just a bedspread but it's an antique and very beautiful- and it relates back to my own childhood, I was eight years old and with my father when he purchased this particular item and it is very special to me. Was it too much to expect him to return these items?  Of course it was. He's such a cruel, selfish, child.

Anyway, I've still been letting it bother me and know full well he has not disposed of these items and am seriously contemplating a trip to his town and asking the police to accompany me to pick it up. I've heard this has been successful for some of the other women in the refuge. The trick is, to spring it on them and get the police to telephone them when you KNOW they will be at home to arrange to pick the things up in an hour or so.

Property is such a tricky area of the law but it has to be worth having a word with your local constable, explain the situation etc. After all, it is your property and she is effectively holding it hostage which is basically theft, of sorts.

I'm sorry you've had to endure the smear campaign, it's one of the things that hurt, and continues to hurt me most. It's just so unjust and unnecessary and painful!

Best of luck whatever you decide to do

[id-crisis]

Oh, and turning up on her doorstep with two policemen flanking you - will really piss her off and make some people think twice and also make her realise (probably not actually!) that her bad-mouthing and smearing campaign, means nothing out there in the bigger, wider world  

If you're worried the police will not take you seriously, be sure to tell them that all attempts in the past to recover your property has ended in abuse, and that you fear intimidation and or violence from her/flatmate if you were to go round to pick it up by yourself and that they have been very intimidating and unreasonable when you have tried to come to some sort of agreement.

[myself]

Conflicted over sending my ex an email asking her to quit smearing me.

It wouldn't do any good to send it. She may have blocked you, like you said, or may just use it as something more to use against you. If she says you're harrassing her, and you send her something, guess what she's going to say you're doing. There's nothing you can do about what she may or may not be telling other people. My ex has recently been telling people lies about me, online and in 'real life'. I didn't respond to it, even when my ex wrote the same lies to me. That's just her reality. I know what the truth is. The people who know me know I wouldn't do the things she's saying I've done, and the ones who don't really know have not exactly been trying to find out what my side of it may be. It's a temporary commotion of undue sympathy. The stuff inside of her needs to be expressed, and the stuff inside of her is painful so it comes out in painful ways. I'm sorry you're having to experience that. You sound worked up and it would be good to calm down, take some breaths, don't let this get to you so much. You know who you are, and how you were with her. How you're still being with her. She's projecting what she doesn't want to face onto you and whoever else will be projected on (sometimes we don't even realise this happens, do we?), and it's really nothing to do with you. She feels bad about herself so she's trying to make you look and feel bad instead so she doesn't have to. It hurts, as I said I'm right there with you, but we need to not take this on because we like calm much better and our ex's are not there with us in that on any level. Peace.

[Diana82]

id-crisis> quite frankly, I am scared now to even bother asking about the rest of my stuff  ever again.

I actually think my ex has lost the rest of my stuff or just doesn't have it.

Because while I think she is nuts and has given me silent treatment the entire time- she did drop off my Mother's books.  I don't think she is THAT cruel to withold my jewellery etc. I think if she had it- she may have dumped it on my sidewalk too by now.

When I spoke to the flat mate on the phone he was adamant that "she didn't have the other stuff".

But he would not let me talk to her. I wanted to explain to her over the phone exactly what I was missing and where I think I may have left it. And he then started banging on at me and telling me my behaviour is "unacceptable" and she wants me "out of her life" etc.

I tried to tell him HER behaviour is unacceptable- but he wouldn't listen. And he kept harpering on and saying that "YOU WILL NEVER GET CLOSURE FROM HER. MOVE ON!"

So I have to accept that I will never see the other stuff for whatever reason and that she wants me out of her life and to never be contacted again.

It's incredibly dramatic. I have never experienced this kind of treatment. It's been very hard to fathom this is the same woman who was so kind and loving and "normal" to me for 3 years. And how she has just turned on me after an argument.

[Diana82]

So, does anyone have any insights into BPD's heightened sense of abuse and harassment?

I feel I need to understand it more.

My ex was hypersensitive. She'd misinterpret my words as being rejecting or critical. She had a huge abusive past... every woman she dated had abused her in some way- either tried to rape her, was an emotional bully or tried to grope her in public places and stalk her.

She even told me a guy had slipped a date rape drug in her drink once and she ended up passed out.

And then she told me about her unhappy childhood- she'd been at one school and endured bullying and then moved schools but was still bullied. And her parents and teachers did nothing ... apparently. Even this didn't add up... .  her parents were the most caring and loving parents next to mine. They treated their daughter like a princess and she was always surrounded by loving family and friends. I couldn't imagine that they would have done "nothing" to help her.

And now... .  as per my notes... .  I am seen as being a harassing person. She was with me for 3 years and I know she knows I am not crazy. Yet... our text fight was a form of harassment- to her. Me trying to apologise to her was seen as harassing- and she just HAS to change her number.

And me trying to retrieve my stuff was met with hostility and I was made to feel like a stalker.

Do BPDs genuinely feel threatened 24/7?  Do they feel people are all out to get them?

Or is childhood trauma (bullying) to blame in creating paranoid adults?

[seeking balance]

So, does anyone have any insights into BPD's heightened sense of abuse and harassment?

I feel I need to understand it more.

My ex was hypersensitive. She'd misinterpret my words as being rejecting or critical. She had a huge abusive past... every woman she dated had abused her in some way- either tried to rape her, was an emotional bully or tried to grope her in public places and stalk her.

She even told me a guy had slipped a date rape drug in her drink once and she ended up passed out.

And then she told me about her unhappy childhood- she'd been at one school and endured bullying and then moved schools but was still bullied. And her parents and teachers did nothing ... apparently. Even this didn't add up... .  her parents were the most caring and loving parents next to mine. They treated their daughter like a princess and she was always surrounded by loving family and friends. I couldn't imagine that they would have done "nothing" to help her.

And now... .  as per my notes... .  I am seen as being a harassing person. She was with me for 3 years and I know she knows I am not crazy. Yet... our text fight was a form of harassment- to her. Me trying to apologise to her was seen as harassing- and she just HAS to change her number.

And me trying to retrieve my stuff was met with hostility and I was made to feel like a stalker.

Do BPDs genuinely feel threatened 24/7?  Do they feel people are all out to get them?

Or is childhood trauma (bullying) to blame in creating paranoid adults?

since you have some many questions different from your original topic, perhaps it is time to start new threads with some of these questions.

additionally, there is a WEALTH of information on all of these topics in the articles, dbt research and member threads such as 2010.  Have you read the lessons on BPD behaviors?

[Hope 4 a better day]

This has been a good thread. I understand your thoughts and feelings the truth is nothing about this behavior makes any sense and from my experience we spend our time trying to figuring out their behavior and at the end of the day we will never figure out this craziness. It's better to figure out our part as to why we got involved in this in the first place . I went through a similar situation however in my case all of her (BPDs) things were in my home and she would not cooperate in retrieving them and everything I did to try to assist her she would continue to put me down and tell others all sorts of distorted things about me. What I ended up doing as she was living several hundred miles away was to Pack all her stuff and it took me a week, Rent a storage unit pay 2.5 months rent notified her by certified mail with the key and let it go. She continued to complain and create more problems for me however the more I avoided her the less she bothered me It was very difficult for me as to this day I still have feelings for her. In the end my understanding is that one of my former friends assisted her in moving her things back to where she is. A 16 year friendship that she destroyed through my former friends wife

   In closing I would only recommend one thing, LET IT GO! and move on and start taking care of yourself as us nons have our own work to do on ourselves. The sooner you let it go the sooner you will get your life back. 

[Diana82]

Hope for a better day>

Re getting into this in the first place...

I believed all my ex's stories. I believed she had a life of pain, harassment and abuse. She showed such conviction that I had no reason to believe it was exaggerated/false.

It was only after awhile that I realised things didn't really add up.

She seemed to misinterpret my words. She was extremely sensitive she had a long unforgiving memory too.

And every woman she had been romantically involved with had happened to be a stalker or abusive. It just seemed like at the end-she was a professional victim and played on my rescuing tendencies.

And when I questioned her about being too inconsistent... I got dumped.

And now I am the harasser

[Diana82]

Sometimes I feel like writing to her friends or family and telling them she has serious issues.

I feel like telling them she lied to me about being stalked, raped etc and that's why I was so suspicious. I have this overwhelming desire to " out" her as a messed up liar.

[Newton]

Diana... .  I felt exactly the same way... .  and wanted to do the same thing... .  my word I had enough info to ruin her!... .  

So what's your feeling that is motivating this desire to expose her... .  ?

[ExTreme]

It seems like the desire to "expose" your smearing-ex's campaigns are impassioned based on a confident KNOWING of the smearage that's happening. Where are you getting evidence of this? Are you hearing from reliable sources? Are you reading actual information written my your ex.? How much of this is hearsay?

I KNOW my ex is erroneously envisioning smears b/c he has written so. He is suffering for naught. It makes me sure of HIS projection onto me, though. I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

[elemental]

Diana, is it possible to give yourself a break on this stuff?

Take a step back?

Over on the staying board, I am learning about detachment. I may have one of the worst experiences anyone here has had with BPD.

Detaching is really helping me.

I love my BPD guy, but I cannot re-engage with him until I have detached from him enough that I don't get sucked in again.

If you are able to detach, it will help you to regulate your strong feelings. From what I can see everything you write is all about staying stuck in with her, rather than moving back enough to clear your head.

SHE IS NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED.

All you are going to do is instigate drama and more upset.

If you want to stay engaged with her by causing upset, then ok. If you want to move back enough to get your own self BACK rather than get back at her, then it's a really good direction to go. Set her aside, look for healing, later, if need be, when you are both calmer, possibly this can be addressed with her in a way that helps with healing the damage between you.

[Seb]

Diana, we could have dated the same girl, trust me. She was everything you said your ex was... .  hyperHYPERsensitive, misinterpreted everything I said (once I said to wait til her phone died and she misinterpreted it as me saying that when she died! Cue more hysterical crying, "You want me to die!" I was honestly, wth? ), she gaslit me, triangulated constantly, cried at the drop of a hat... .  she was the anithesis of everything she presented herself to be when she was seducing me.

I get the injustice of it all. I have no idea what my ex says of me. I do know that she gathered her two closest friends and got them to join in on the badmouthing of me. To be honest, I don't care, they're her friends, they can think what they like. Plus, the two of them weren't very nice people. I think that's another one of my 'things' that I'd overlooked. I'm always the first person to say to look at their friends, that will tell you a lot about them - I didn't this time, big mistake. She had no real friends - I should have thought something wasn't right when I noticed that. Anyway, my point is, they're her friends and family so I don't care what she says about me.  I just carry on regardless, and let people meet me. Then they'll see the type of person I am. I'm not in the business of badmouthing people, so I let people make up their own mind, as I make up my own.

However much you feel like writing to her friends and family... .  You cannot write to them and tell them what you think of her. That is harassment, Diana. I'm sorry to be blunt, and I know how much we want our justice and to defend ourselves... .  but if you go ahead with this then you will only give her more ammunition to call you a stalker and harassing her. You can't do it. Please think about it for a second.

As BPDspell wrote the other day, she is gone and she's showing you who she is through her behaviour. This isn't personal, it's a pattern that will repeat itself. She feels persecuted, she lives in fear and she is trying to cope. You doing this will make her feel even more persecuted.

I guess it's just going to take you more time, and you will when you're ready, but you need to take the focus off her and put it on you for a second. No, you're not the terrible person she's made you feel, and you did the best you could.  Unfortunately, she is disordered in her emotions and cannot sustain a mutually reciprocal adult relationship.  If you want to start feeling better, and I'm sure you do, you have to stop obsessing over her and start getting healthy.  She and you, you weren't healthy. You need to build yourself up so that you never have another hellish experience like this again. When you are healthy, you will spot the red flags in the beginning and get out. We all need to do the work here.  Why we thought so little of ourselves that we were prepared to be a partner to someone who is empty, full of pain, and has no real love to give us... .  that's a tough question to ask, but a vital one. I know I don't want that type of 'love' forever. I want a partner who truly loves me, not just the idea of me.