Feeling Trapped

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi everyone!  I was wondering if I could get some pointers from some of you on how to better communicate with my BPDD21.  She lives with my parents, and recently went to stay for several days by herself, housesitting for some friends.  I was a little worried because holidays generally tend to be hard on my daughter, and this last weekend was of course, the New Year weekend.  I texted her a couple of times to see how she was doing, and also wished her a happy New Year on Facebook (I responded to her Happy New Year post). 

Everything went ok, and as of this morning, she is back at her home (with my parents).  She is angry with me because she thinks I texted her too much and stalked her on facebook the whole time.  This is what I said "I can understand how that might seem overbearing to you.  I too would feel annoyed, as an adult, if I felt like someone did not feel I would be okay by myself.  I appreciate you telling me what you were doing, and am proud of your independence." 

Now she is saying that if I cross the boundaries of calling or texting too much, she will delete me from Facebook and not respond to texts.  She says that my reassurance is also insulting.

I am not sure I can maintain these boundaries, and I do not feel I went overboard at all.  I was also trying to do the right thing by being reassuring.  Sometimes she even asks for my reassurance.  I thought that we were supposed to demonstrate faith in our S's and D's to help them get better? 

I guess my point (finally, right?) is that I am so confused on what the right thing to do in this situation is.  This is not the first time I have been in this situation.  She continually asks for my reassurance and then gets angry and uncommunicative when I give it to her.  I feel like since she is frustrated with her living situation and I cannot fix it, then in her mind I am not doing enough and my reassurances don't mean anything.  It is so hard for me to be there for her when I am being berated for what feels like nothing.  I know that this is classic "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior, but is there something else that I should have said here?  Sorry if I am rambling and being confusing - this is a confusing situation to me. 

[stupafly]

Hi everyone!  I was wondering if I could get some pointers from some of you on how to better communicate with my BPDD21.  She lives with my parents, and recently went to stay for several days by herself, housesitting for some friends.  I was a little worried because holidays generally tend to be hard on my daughter, and this last weekend was of course, the New Year weekend.  I texted her a couple of times to see how she was doing, and also wished her a happy New Year on Facebook (I responded to her Happy New Year post). 

Everything went ok, and as of this morning, she is back at her home (with my parents).  She is angry with me because she thinks I texted her too much and stalked her on facebook the whole time.  This is what I said "I can understand how that might seem overbearing to you.  I too would feel annoyed, as an adult, if I felt like someone did not feel I would be okay by myself.  I appreciate you telling me what you were doing, and am proud of your independence." 

Now she is saying that if I cross the boundaries of calling or texting too much, she will delete me from Facebook and not respond to texts.  She says that my reassurance is also insulting.

I am not sure I can maintain these boundaries, and I do not feel I went overboard at all.  I was also trying to do the right thing by being reassuring.  Sometimes she even asks for my reassurance.  I thought that we were supposed to demonstrate faith in our S's and D's to help them get better? 

I guess my point (finally, right?) is that I am so confused on what the right thing to do in this situation is.  This is not the first time I have been in this situation.  She continually asks for my reassurance and then gets angry and uncommunicative when I give it to her.  I feel like since she is frustrated with her living situation and I cannot fix it, then in her mind I am not doing enough and my reassurances don't mean anything.  It is so hard for me to be there for her when I am being berated for what feels like nothing.  I know that this is classic "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior, but is there something else that I should have said here?  Sorry if I am rambling and being confusing - this is a confusing situation to me. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

I would say something like this "I love you and I'm sorry if I seemed to be checking in on you too much.  Would you like to be the one to text and/or call me for awhile so you don't feel so overwhelmed by me?   I would like to hear from you at least every x number of days.  Is that ok with you?  I really love you and love to keep in touch and just see what you're up to.  If you get too busy and forget, would you mind if i called you on the xth day?

Not sure why this parenting thing has to be so darned hard.  It seems like everytime we turn around we do something wrong. 

[lbjnltx]

Dear stupafly,

You didn't do anything "wrong".

crazedncrazymom had some good suggestions too.

Perhaps using her ideas and keep it simple at the same time?

Ask her "how would you like for me to support you?" or "what does me being supportive  look like to you?"

These situations are fluid and can change often,  this week she may be upset from too much contact and next week she may be upset from too little (even if she sets the standards).

Try not to personalize... .  it isn't about you or doing anything wrong.

[stupafly]

Thanks, crazed and lbj!  I am sorry for anyone who has to deal with disorder, but also glad I am not the only one who feels confused by the differing responses from our BPDkids!  Next time I will ask her to contact me first if she needs my reassurance rather than just giving it to her.  And if she doesn't like what I have to say, oh well, I guess I tried!