Trying to make sens of it all & putting it down on "paper"

[determined NMS]

Over the last week I started considering if my dd has BPD and it would appear (as so many others whose story I have read on here) that she has a lot of the traits. Everything all seems to make sense now... .  

My dd is 19yrs. When she turned 11 our lives just turned upside down. I had just come out of a relationship and was devastated and sadly wasn't as "there" for either of my children as I should have been. This has been a constant source of pain and guilt for me. Mt dd went to secondary school (we're in the UK) and hated it - her words when she came home from school on the first day were "it was an awful first day, worst day ever" and sobbed. From very early on she started getting into a lot of trouble and then became a school refuser. There were then years of her refusing to go to school, running away, me driving round every night looking for her, sometimes finding her drunk, sometimes in inappropriate situations, stealing (from me and caused us to go massively into debt) from shops and anyone, getting into trouble with the Police, the Police searching our house every time  I reported her missing. Just on and on the nightmare went round and round. Me not coping with how things were, being angry with her, shouting at her to try and get through to her. The violence beginning when she was 15, making her move out when she was 16 after she kept beating me up. Its just been hell.

My son was coping when all this first began, for about the first year I was neglecting him as I was trying to find her each night as I was scared about what might happen to her (I continually thought I was going to find her dead) but then tragically he was in a road accident and run over. He recovered but he never recovered his physical health as it was at that point. And he went off of the rails and before I knew it I had 2 out of control kids. They have a very difficult relationship and struggle with each other.

She has come back and gone several times since she was 16, has been in a young offenders prison. She has a history of breaking down everything she ever has as she is ok to begin with then pushes things, pushes people further than they will tolerate, doesn't seem to learn from her mistakes. She has been staying with my mother for the past month as she had been here and after having to call the Police as she went into a complete rage over something very trivial. She is happier there for the moment... .  

She came down to stay with us the weekend after xmas for the holidays. We were both so excited to be seeing each other. and then it all began Almost right from the beginning she was nearly 2 hours late but hadn't contacted me so I was waiting around in the rain. Then the first evening she spent the night telling me to be quiet and how annoying I am. Then there was an issue that upset her over her father (who hasn't wanted to have anything to do with her since about a year after she went off of the rails) and after that we were in free fall. The anger, the pushing me away, the being cruel to me, but then being angry that I wasn't there for he until it got the point the following morning when I dropped her off at the train station to go home, furious.

Then I started wondering down this path and considering that it might be an illness that she has. It makes so much fall into place. And it makes me feel hopeful that I can learn ways to communicate with her and try to reduce the conflict we have. The last conversation we had was on the phone on Monday she hates me now and doesn't want me to contact her. It is only a matter of time before things break down with my mother and then she will be back again with nothing and she will start putting pressure on me. I can't have her back as she just makes our (mine and my partner's lives a misery and I start to become unwell myself very quickly) but how can I not help her? Its the continual pressure I feel.

I also feel so disappointed. When we were going through everything over the years I have been so distressed, getting help from social services and schools and the potential that she wasn't well just wasn't picked up. I was told keep putting boundaries in place and things will get better. And they didn't and our lives fell apart

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Welcome determined NMS:  It certainly sounds like you have been through a lot.  Has your daughter ever been in therapy or diagnosed with a mental disorder.  I am sorry your visit did not go well.  There is certainly alot of learning and sharing that goes on here and I know that I have learned so many things.

Glad you found this board.

Griz

[Survive2012]

Hello, Determined NMS,

I am quite new too and, like you, have a kid that has been giving us problems for years without anybody telling us about mental disorder. Still now, we are not sure. But this board is VERY HELPFUL. Even if our kids don't have BPD (we don't have a diagnose yet, have we?) they have BPD traits and the boundaries and the advice you get here will help.

First of all, I don't feel alone anymore. I spent months googleing "child violence" and similar things and only finding adult violence on kids, while I was looking for kid violence on parents.

Then, you can say everything that is happening to you and you will be understood. There is always somebody that underwent the same situation.

So, be brave and keep posting, asking and sending messages.

Start new topics if you have a question or something to say.

I do it as a castaway throwing a bottle with a message in the Ocean. Then I wait and, very soon, a reply comes.

Try not to lose hope.

Survive

[determined NMS]

Hi Griz & Survive thank you for your replies. It does actually feel good to think that maybe this (illness) is the reason why we have gone through so much. It makes a lot more sense to think its because she wasn't/isn't well rather than she is a horrible person. For years I have flet like why is she doing this to me, we talk about it all, she makes so many promises and then we are back at square 1... .  

I wish I had known or had thought about it years ago becuase all I saw was the continual onslaught and I couldn't cope and I would loose my temper back and shout and rage too, then things are said that shouldn't be said.

I too felt like I was the victim of domestic abuse and spent a lot of time looking into it, but the reality is when it is your child the same rules don't apply do they? Walking away from my child, even if its only for a short while, if she is in crisis it's like a piece of me being ripped out.

I've realised recently that I have become so co-dependent on these issues and my dd - and my son but to a lesser degree - and I have to work on looking after myself. Not quite sure what that means and how to do it. I feel I have lost so much of myself and my life over the years as it was all so crazy, chaotic and my whole world was what was going on in our crazy little world.

Right now my dd is with my mother (who I would venture a guess has/had a pd as well but that's a whole other story) and she seems to be doing well. They seem to understand each other. When I think about it though it makes sense, rather than challenging the way my dd sees things my mother validates them and understands the strong emotions she has. I am worried about what will happen when each's needs are overwhelming for the other but I guess that bridge will have to be crossed when they get there. I have enjoyed the peace of not being around her for a few days and then the fog starts to clear in my mind. But now a week later I am starting to miss her and not want her to feel I am rejecting her. I don't know how we'll go forward but I guess I feel relieved that there are others who know what this is like

[Survive2012]

Hmmm, yes! I really think you can't understand how it is unless you pass through it!

Have you read Valerie Porr's Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder? Or Randi Kreger's The Essential Family Guide to BPD?

They are VERY USEFUL books for our everyday's life.

I live in Italy and couldn't find anything for families in Italian.

Have a good day!  

Survive

[determined NMS]

I'm currently 1/2 way through Randi Kreger's book and have just had Valerie Porr's recommended.

Am trying to move past all the guilt and work out how to get back to speaking to dd and trying to support her. All thoses years of begging anyone to tell me how to cope with it all, how I can make things better... .  

Italy wow. Seems there is a lot more support in USA than the UK! Thank goodness for the WWW! What did people do 1oo yrs ago? 

[Survive2012]

I have the same thought! And even 20 years ago, when BPD wasn't known!

There is indeed much more help in the US, but I think in Europe, even if the amount is less, the quality is very good.

I found a very good quality psychiatric team for teens. It is within the city hospital, so it's free. But the problem is that my son doesn't want to be helped! It is said most of these patients refuse therapy.

 

Survive