The "Nice" him is driving me nuts

[Depression = 72% of members]

If you don't know, New Year's Day for me was horrific. For the first time in my 13 yr long relationship with my uBPDh, he raged on me in public. In a fast food restaurant with my D7 and D4. He was loud, rude, insulting, lied and scared the bejeezus out  of my girls. The good part is he realizes he screwed up and for the first time he listens when I explain to him that he has BPD and that episode was caused by a deregulation. He saw his therapist the next day and agreed that he felt it coming and committed to leaving before it got that bad and would come back when he could communicate respectfully.

Now that its over and he feels relieved, he's suffocating me! We are on an in house separation due to a "punishment" he gave me almost 3 yrs ago. He sleeps in the basement while I sleep on the top floor where the kids are. I have not let him come back because I am just ready to be in such an intense environment right now. I am still trying to figure out myself and in this mess and the last thing I need is someone raging on me in my bed. We are not very physical, again due to his "punishments". Although I realize the things he did in past were caused my his misguided emotions, I still hurt from them and I'm not quite sure hoe to 100% except that.

In the mean time, he is hanging on me, trying to hold my hand, kissing me. It's driving me crazy. He ignored me for so long and I cried and cried that he rarely was affectionate with me. I got used the rejection and never looked back. It's so hard because I don't want him to feel rejected by and really it's not him, it's me needed space to figure this out. He is more understanding now than he used to be but it's still hard to go through.

I hate being ignore yet I hate being suffocated. Doesn't seem to be anything in the middle.

Frustrating.

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

If you don't know, New Year's Day for me was horrific. For the first time in my 13 yr long relationship with my uBPDh, he raged on me in public. In a fast food restaurant with my D7 and D4. He was loud, rude, insulting, lied and scared the bejeezus out  of my girls. The good part is he realizes he screwed up and for the first time he listens when I explain to him that he has BPD and that episode was caused by a deregulation. He saw his therapist the next day and agreed that he felt it coming and committed to leaving before it got that bad and would come back when he could communicate respectfully.

Now that its over and he feels relieved, he's suffocating me! We are on an in house separation due to a "punishment" he gave me almost 3 yrs ago. He sleeps in the basement while I sleep on the top floor where the kids are. I have not let him come back because I am just ready to be in such an intense environment right now. I am still trying to figure out myself and in this mess and the last thing I need is someone raging on me in my bed. We are not very physical, again due to his "punishments". Although I realize the things he did in past were caused my his misguided emotions, I still hurt from them and I'm not quite sure hoe to 100% except that.

In the mean time, he is hanging on me, trying to hold my hand, kissing me. It's driving me crazy. He ignored me for so long and I cried and cried that he rarely was affectionate with me. I got used the rejection and never looked back. It's so hard because I don't want him to feel rejected by and really it's not him, it's me needed space to figure this out. He is more understanding now than he used to be but it's still hard to go through.

I hate being ignore yet I hate being suffocated. Doesn't seem to be anything in the middle.

Frustrating.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Curvy girl]

I can relate to that. After my stbx boyfriend and i has the biggest blowout we have ever had and he took an overdose he was super nice. It was ridiculous.

It threw me for a loop because he was doing all the things I had been craving and asking for the last 5 years and it just felt inauthentic. I didn't get why all of a sudden he wanted to do things that I liked to do why he just wanted to "hang out", buying gifts, being romantic, attentive. It was freaking me out!

Especially since I was feeling the exact opposite and I was still reeling from the overdose and using every ounce of my energy to not just run for my life.

I wonder now if he was back in the idealisation phase as this in some form a relationship recycle.

It lasted all of a month before cracks started to show and his old self started to come back.

[Oneneatguy]

sounds like in both cases they are fearing that they will be abandoned by you.  the nice act will go on until they feel they have you again.

my ex did that to me every six months, like old faithful.  she rage on me, ridiculous arguments and then after calming down would say she was sorry and make up some excuse.

If the gestures feel inauthentic, listen to your gut, they most likely are.

[Blazing Star]

Hi Complete,

Something similar happened to me when mine reached his rock bottom, I moved out for some space, and until I moved back and then for a good while after, he was Mr Nice. It was Very frustrating, I couldn't just let go and say "oh hey, here he is, that guy I have been wishing for!", rather I felt like saying "Back off Buddy, your boat has sailed, and I can't just flick a switch for you, and forget all that has happened".

However I wish I had been able to let go a little and respond to him more positively, because then he did feel rejected, and I do wonder what would have happened if I had been able to let go quicker.

I realise we cannot force these things in ourselves, but I think I did use it (his behaviour) as an excuse not to confront mine for a while.

If I were able to go back in time, I would like to think that I would be more honest with both him and myself, and say "I really really appreciate that you are feeling and behaving differently right now, I find it very hard to let go of all that has happened in the past though, how can we meet in the middle?". And I would like to think that I would confront myself a bit more, and push out of my comfort zone.

Maybe this could be something to talk about with the therapist when you get there?

In the meanwhile do you think he would be receptive if you honestly and gently told him how you are feeling?



Love Blazing Star

[shatra]

Hi

  Itoo feelupset over the push-pulland splitting us into all-good and all-bad objects. I wonder if he would be open to practicing DBT, since he is open to hearing about BPD?

Happy New Year

Shatra

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Blazing Star,

there is a part of me that really wants to let go and let him get close during the "good" times but I just can't. The episodes I went through in the past with him were no small potatoes. I had issues with affection as a child also. My parents were very young when they had me and fought physically in front of me for the first 3 years of my life. My father put my mother in the hospital several times. After my sister was born we were adopted by my mothers parents. Growing up with them was hard. Neither of them were emotionally supportive. They used insults and belittling as a way to motivate. I'm not sure when or why it's started but I never wanted my grandfather to touch me. He was not aloud to hug me or kiss me. I stopped my grandmothers affection when my grandfather used it as a "motivator" for my affection. As I got older I didn't mind it as much and when I started dating, I loved the attention. It felt good to cuddle and hug someone who cared about me. I didn't have too many problems in previous relationships but this one was different. I found that after a terrible attack from him where I did not feel cared about and there was no resolution for me, I pulled away physically. It didn't feel right to kiss and hug someone who insisted you were a b*tch the night before. It was even more confusing when I could never talk about it again or he would explode than within days he wanted to hug me and kiss me like nothing ever happened. The whole experience was truly traumatic for me. I love my husband and I know that what I feel now is because of me and not him. Well mostly me and my perception. It's hard to fully let go of pain. I realize the things he did were "not" his fault rather it was the BPD but it still hurt. Whenever he tries to hug me or cuddle with me now it just doesn't feel right and is uncomfortable. In some ways it gives me the heeby jeebies. Not a good thing. He's also the give him an inch, he'll take a mile kinda person. If i allow us to hug, kiss and cuddle, he would most definitely fight with me when i turn him down for sex. It becomes another reason i'm just not good enough. I have expressed to him many times my feelings about physical touch and there are times he understands but mostly he likes to use it as an excuse to get mad at me.  I really hope that once I start counseling I can learn to move past all of this and work on a better relationship with my uBPDh.

[Curvy girl]

Hi completely overwhelmed

In think its perfectly natural to not want be affectionate with someone you have unresolved issues with.

After big fights with my stbx bf w BPD it takes a while to get back to normal because I really can't reconcile the things he says and does that are mean and wanting to be affectionate. Why are you hugging if you think I'm a selfish b*#%h? I usually really can't unless an apology is made or the issue is discussed.

I think tr happier we are the more we like to receive give and receive

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Thank you CG! Exactly!

I struggle with this so much. Especially knowing he has BPD and seeing his ups and downs, I feel I should be more understanding and affectionate towards the times where when he is willing. You are right though, it is natural. The crazy part is I want to feel that kind of affection. I Want to cuddle with someone and be comfortable physically, it's all so confusing. I really wish I could just let go and be ok with the situation as it is. I just have such a strong guard up that I just can't right now. So there is a push/pull going on inside of my head that leaves me feeling guilty.

[Blazing Star]

  Feeling for you.

I really hope that once I start counseling I can learn to move past all of this and work on a better relationship with my uBPDh.

It's great you are going to use the counselling to looking at all of this! Your awareness and self-reflection is an Awesome start!

Keep looking after You! You're important.

Love Blazing Star