If my ex comes back ever... or even if not... help

[mango_flower]

I need help - I am a Non-BPD and quite emotionally strong.

I had a 10 month amazing relationship with my uBPD partner.

She never had the violence, we had a loving, close, quite co-dependent relationship.

It was amazing and I love her very very much.  (We are both women).

She had a melt down of sorts when I wanted to delay the wedding by a year and she walked out and moved away to a new town, with new people, reinventing herself.

I know she is in pain.  She is staying in touch with me at the moment but is resolute that her new life is there now.

The first few weeks she seemed happier and I was heartbroken and confused.  It made no sense.  Now I have made sense of it by looking through the BPD lense, it's all become so clear.

I am looking after myself but I also want her to be ok.

From what I have gleaned from facebook, she is now in the more reflective phase and keeps texting me for silly reasons like "hi, how are you?" and "do I have any post?"

I have a feeling that her new friends aren't understanding her as I do.  I want her home.  But I have told her I love her and support her no matter what, so there isn't much else I can do (I don't know where she has moved to).

Her facebook posts are involving "liking" pictures of quotes such as "You know people truly love you, when they stay by your side no matter what you do and who you are - they love you for you" type thing.

She is changing her identity, getting into all the things these new friends do. Well, she was until a few days ago.  And then back to the "deep" posts on facebook again.

If by any chance she DOES come back, I need to know how to proceed.  She has walked out of our joint contract on our house, she has left debts (that I only later found out about). Everyone tells me I should be angry at her lack of accountability but since reading about BPD, I just have nothing but compassion for her).

What can I do from here?  As in, 3 hours away from her new place?  Part of me knows I should move on and not play into her hands or she'll feel like she has gotten away with it. 

What if she comes back?

What are the right things to say and do?  I don't want her to look back and feel shame and hate for what she has done, but nor can I risk it happening again - I couldn't take her leaving a second time, and I don't want to be all like "Oh that's ok honey, don't worry" as surely this will send out the wrong message to her, that she doesn't have to be accountable?

I'm so confused and slightly scared, but I love her unconditionally... .  please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mango_flower]

Oh - also, I have found out about lies she has told... .  directly to me... .  many people would walk away but I really feel I can support her and be with her... .  

Do I confront those lies at any point?  I don't want to shame her/hurt her

Or do I ignore them? (that's not good either, right?)

Arggghhhhhh!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi 

It sounds like you were painted black when you wanted to delay the wedding (playing into abandonment-fears leading to dumping you before you could dump her). That's hard. It might change, may already be changing, when at some point she paints her new friends/partner black and consequently puts you back on the pedestal.

If she comes back, and that being what you want, keep in mind that normal relationship rules don't work where one of the partners has BPD. In my experience, and it seems to be par for the course for many people here, confronting the pwBPD with their "bad" behaviour leads to nothing but trouble. As long as the person isn't ready and willing to change, it's just too sensitive. Doesn't mean it's easy to not say anything. I've had to work on myself quite a lot to let go of things my partner has said/done.