Breakup cycles

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 For those nons out there who have never been the one to initiate the break up, does each breakup that the pwBPD initiate tend to get longer each time? Or does it seem totally random, or based on how ugly the breakup was or if they get involved with someone else, or how soon/who initiated NC?

Just curious if there seems to be any pattern, my first breakup lasted 5 days, second was 3 weeks and now this one, i was hoping to reconcile by now, been a month, except i messed up on NC and had some ugly exchanges (im embarrassed and sorry, said things i didnt mean, trying to take what she said with a grain of salt, assuming shes trying to justify herself) with her a few days ago.

Not even sure what forum this belongs in, have to assume its over cause i have no idea if shes coming back, but at the same time, im praying for her to "recycle" to see if i have a better grasp on how to handle this relationship, should i ever get back with her.

Im not asking anyone to guess when/if shes coming back, just if there seems to be any pattern with those who have been dealing with this for awhile. Thanks.

[blurry]

 For those nons out there who have never been the one to initiate the break up, does each breakup that the pwBPD initiate tend to get longer each time? Or does it seem totally random, or based on how ugly the breakup was or if they get involved with someone else, or how soon/who initiated NC?

Just curious if there seems to be any pattern, my first breakup lasted 5 days, second was 3 weeks and now this one, i was hoping to reconcile by now, been a month, except i messed up on NC and had some ugly exchanges (im embarrassed and sorry, said things i didnt mean, trying to take what she said with a grain of salt, assuming shes trying to justify herself) with her a few days ago.

Not even sure what forum this belongs in, have to assume its over cause i have no idea if shes coming back, but at the same time, im praying for her to "recycle" to see if i have a better grasp on how to handle this relationship, should i ever get back with her.

Im not asking anyone to guess when/if shes coming back, just if there seems to be any pattern with those who have been dealing with this for awhile. Thanks.

[Gaslit]

I'd say longer and longer, though that has some to do with me. i.e. Each time I am less interested in chasing, fixing, etc. because I no longer have the same naive hope I used to have before I "knew."

I have also discovered it takes longer and longer for them to 'reset' for lack of a better word. That is, go back after 2 weeks and the honeymoon is maybe a day, wait 2 months and if you don't slip into old patterns right away, you might be able to eek a couple months out.

Honestly, it is a lot of work and little reward. Oh, and not at all healthy!

[hithere]

It will depend on what else (who else) she has on her plate.  If things don't work out with the new guy I am sure she will come back to you again.  If you are lucky, she won't.

Maybe use this time apart to get some therapy to see why you feel compelled to stay in such an unhealthy relationship?

[Washisheart]

I would say each time he goes our cycle gets shorter. Almost as if he gives up on his unrealistic expectations of the new ho & comes back to his security blanket. This last time I think was about 16 days. The first time it was about 6 weeks before I heard from him.

[mitti]

First they would get longer and longer, from 1 day to the longest 7 months. Since then they have got shorter, at the most 2 weeks and he will never be completely NC anymore.

[blurry]

 No idea what im thinking except i cant wait to hear from her. Before i knew anything about BPD, she semi acknowledged that she had been told/thinks shes bipolar, i thought it was a "scorpio" type behavior i was dealing with and justified it that way. Shes also acknowledged that she has relationship issues, i dont think she knows about BPD though.

Maybe deep down i want a call from her telling me she figured out shes BPD, and wants help and us to be together. I know i cant manage the relationship alone because im not sure i have the patience. Anyway, this is the third one and theyve become progressively longer each time, except this is the first one that i responded to her in a negative way or attacked her character, wish i knew about BPD sooner but i dont think these things hit you until after the pattern starts unless youve seen it before.

Guess im just trying to project when she'll be back, might have to figure out my co-dependency issues in the meantime.

[Gaslit]

Guess im just trying to project when she'll be back, might have to figure out my co-dependency issues in the meantime.

If you are literally putting your life on hold and waiting around for her, someone who is possibly mentally ill, to 'snap' out of it. That probably isn't good for you personally, or even her.

And there is a good chance, she is not just waiting around for you, and that someone else has her attention.

If the later is the case, it is nothing you did or didn't do, or could even stop by somehow being perfect.

It is just often the nature of these things.

In any case, what would you tell a friend to do, who was waiting around?

[blurry]

 Idk, i think i just want control back of the situation (my ego?), instead of just abandoning it completely like i should. Todays been the best day since i last saw her just under a month ago. Lifes not on hold as of today i decided, it was at a total standstill but starting today im taking it day by day and starting new. Just still some things lingering in my mind, probably will be for awhile, this board is a godsend so far, way easier this time than the last 2 breaks before i knew what was going on. Thanks for the input:)

[Gaslit]

I think that "wanting control of the situation" i.e. returning to the honeymoon phase, or an approximation of such, is what "holds" us stuck.

Personally, I have seen glimpses, nothing more. I will never 'win' per se. Not in the traditional sense. The traditional sense being a loving, reciprocal, non-game-playing, equal, healthy relationship.

It takes time and failure to really see that.

[blurry]

 Well, low and behold, here she is, got a sincere apology and now shes reminiscing about the old days, how in love we were and wishes she could go back to those times. Can't wait to see what approach she uses in trying to get back together.

[broken but not beaten]

My ex and I used to split up for 1 day then it was good for a while,then it became longer and longer,last time was 2 months,she recycled me for 2 months and I was ejected again,I've lost interest in chasing now,as is said above it depend what or who they got going on unfortunately

[blurry]

 Yep, just got told by her "she now realizes that nobody will ever love her like i did". Translates in my mind, someone just used her for sex and bounced probably.

[blurry]

 Incredible, just reread everything i wrote in this thread and everything i said i hoped for is coming true, 2 solid days on non-stop texts from her swearing she'll never leave me again if i give her another chance, admitting she has some kind of problem (but not sure what or why exatly), basically she's throwing every line of BS out there to get me back. Funny thing is, its like she has no idea whatsoever that it's all the exact same things she said to me back in early Nov. to get me back.

She is saying she'll do anything she has to basically, to have me back, including counselling, and she seems so sincere as usual. Meanwhile i have a 3rd date tonight with a woman that actually rivals her intensity and passion, minus any of the baggage, and the first two dates were incredible. Guess i somewhat have control of the situation like i wished for, except not really because i honestly dont know if she even knows what she did and isnt just responding to the simple fact that im not with her right now.

Keep thinking of how she had lots of remorse when she begged me to come back the last time, after recycling her ex during our split, and once i was there, the remorse seemed to be totally gone. Guess i better get my own brain checked out for even entertaining the idea of trying this again, although i do feel in control of how i respond and react to her right now, and not making any hasty decisions.

[blurry]

 Last time i went back, i was on unemployment due to losing a job because i let the r/s mess me up badly, plus i had no idea she had this BPD and just figured she had lost her temper, got cold feet and that caused her to want to go back to her ex. So i basically had nothing to lose because i could collect the money while looking for work if i moved the 90 miles away with her, or stayed here. This time, im 7 weeks into a job i love, and this new r/s is looking promising. Really feel empowered this time, as opposed to the last when i was vulnerable and felt like i had nothing to lose anyway. Plus having a grasp on the fact that despite her promises, her leaving me again is entirely possible, and extremely likely, due to the fact she has an untreated illness and might have 0 control over what she actually does. I know now, no matter how deeply i love her, whether it's mutual or not, it can't keep her with me.