can i stop making it worse?

[thefisherman]

I am reading how to stop making things worse.

I feel like I am already in control of my reactions.

Here are some examples of where I run into issues.  Any suggestions for changing my behavior would be appreciated:

- If I am sympathetic to her feelings of being mistreated, I am told "you don't feel that way".  She fills in what she thinks my emotions are.  "you hate me"  "you don't find me attractive" "you see no worth in me" (these are things she has said to me).  

My reaction to those statements are things like "I love you" "I think your are beautiful" "I see a lot of value/worth in you and who you are".  Or... .  as an alternative, I say "I am sorry you feel that way.  Those are not my feelings."

I am then told I am being defensive and combative.

It seems like, if I am sympathetic, empathetic, and patient... .  the belittleing, beratement, and projecting never end.  I can listen, sympathize and validate for HOURS... .  or at least try to... .  I have not expereinced a defusion of her upset feelings, only an eventual tantrum, dropped call, slammed door, or physical attack.

What am I doing wrong?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cartman1]

Hi,

I've read your posts on the new members board. I would say that the best place to start would be to have firmer boundaries. If you make a threat then you have to be as good as your word, if you don't believe deep down that you could follow something through then don't mention it. The very first thing I did was introduce timeouts with my wife. I told her that if things became heated that one of us should leave. Then we started talking after the emotions had gone. I compare my Wifes tantrums to that of my children at 2 years old. We get told to ignore bad behavior and praise good. I find this works with my wife. I think these things were a good start for me. 

[beachtalks]

Sounds challenging!  If she says you are being defensive and combative, perhaps your tone of voice has something to do with it.  Maybe she is saying "You're not into me" as bait because she is just looking for some extra validation.  This may be her way of saying she needs more doses of affection/attention from you. 

Also, in the book, the five love languages, there are five types of languages people use to express themselves and prefer to receive form their partner:

Words of Affirmation

Gifts

Physical displays of affection (touch, sex, massage)

Spending time together

Acts of Service

Perhaps your BPDSO wants more than words right now.  I know my BPDh does.  He wants be to show him daily that I am thinking of him in all of the above ways.  I am for it because he does it back and I like it.  (It's a lot of work, but I chose this relationship because I was drawn to the passion and intensity.)  He also wants there to be a lot of body language, sincere tone of voice, passion, facial expressions, to further validate what I am saying.  It's a challenge for me, because I'm not as demonstrative as most people, and I am working on paying closer attention.  When my SO has said things like, "These are just words you are saying, words are easy, you are lying.  I'm not important to you," I have sometimes broke into tears, so frustrated that he doesn't see my love.  Not ironically, THIS gets through to him and he thus accepts.  

Best of love, keep us posted

[cartman1]

Hey Beachtalks,

Funny you should say that. My wife used to have me on a pedestal until one day she seemed to just take a step back out the blue and removed the pedestal and that's when she started raging at me. Boy is that a long fall, since then I haven't seen any of them five things you mentioned. Not until recently, now she has started touching my bottom again  . Which to me is a fairly big thing and she has started telling me things she would like to do together in the future. I'm guessing these are good signs, my T did tell me 3 weeks ago that the dynamics of my relationship were about to shift. I've started setting boundaries which she has tested but I have kept firm. If she oversteps them I will ignore a little while emotions are high but then tell her that I wasn't happy with her testing me and I will tell her my boundary again and it seems to work. These boundaries are different from my old ones as they aren't ultimatums, they are my values as a person and if I am to be in this relationship then they have to be respected.   

[123Phoebe]

Hi thebadguy

It's really difficult learning the ins and outs of BPD and that our reactions to some of the behaviors could maybe use a little tweaking - when looking back, or from an outsiders perspective   That being said, it's kind of an inside joke around here that you'll (more than likely) get another chance to practice your new found skills... .  

If you were to tell someone without a personality disorder that you think they're beautiful when they're feeling unattrative, it might feel very reassuring to them.  Same goes for telling someone you love them, when they feel you hate them etc... .  

It's invalidating to someone with BPD, hence, being told you're defensive and combative.  Make sense?  If not, you're not alone

Here's a link that might clear this issue up a bit:

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Hope it helps and let us know how it goes!